So Close

The weary traveller

 **Warning: Due to extreme levels of irritation, liberal use of the word “fuck” has been used**

 I loathe travelling. I despise it.  It is boring and irritating and frustrating and I miss my kids tremendously. I abhor being away from home.

 Being away from the kids is hard enough (I count the moments until I get to see them again), but the grating irritation of air travel and hotel accommodation drives me up the bloody wall. Being forced to suffer the mind-numbing ineptitude and inefficiency of so called ‘service professionals’, whose slavish dedication to stupidity is nothing short of exhausting is enough to finish me off completely.

 I really, really hate travelling. I am not a happy traveller. Holiday travel is almost bearable in view of the fact that on the way there you are buoyed by the thrill of excited anticipation, and on the way back by the afterglow of your reminiscence, but business travel has no such joy to redeem itself.  There are few people who approach business travel with any sense of enthusiasm.

 Air travel takes an inordinate amount of one’s time.  People (read those who book your air travel) forget that it is not simply a two hour flight we are speaking about here. It is the hours before and the hours after that also needs to be factored in.  Parking, queues, inefficiency, more queues, waiting, more inefficiency, delays, more queues ……

 This trip was not a good one.  It started off very badly. I normally do my own travel arrangements, making sure I fly at a respectable hour. In other words, an hour that does not require me to get up at some ungodly hour; an hour at which some revellers have yet to go to bed. 

This time my travel arrangements were done by someone else.

My flight on Thursday morning was at 06:45am. Which meant I had to be at the airport at 05:45am. Which meant I had to leave home at 05:15am. Which meant I had to wake up at 4:30am. What a completely ludicrous idea. Childish actually.

 I got to the airport at the required time; only to circle the car park 45 times looking for parking.  I then succumbed to Queue Bad Choice Syndrome where I chose the queue filled with tourists, extended families and inbred halfwits.  I am not lying when I say my queue took THREE TIMES longer than any other queue. After eventually getting to the front of the queue, I was informed that there were not aisle seats left. Obviously.

 I then had to stand in the 15 kilometre long queue waiting to go through the security check point.  As I got to the front of the queue (scheduled boarding time 15 minutes ago), the metal roller doors start closing.  WHAT THE FUCK??? Over the intercom I hear “Ladies and Gentlemen, due to security reasons the Airport building is to be evacuated.  All passengers are to make their way to the designated area outside of the terminal building.” Oh good god, I think I am about to explode.

 It turned out to be a false alarm and I eventually made it on board. Thanks to my annoying middle seat allocation, I had to spend the two hour flight sandwiched in between two armrest hogging polyester suited travelling salesmen.  Large, sweaty ones. Sitting in the middle seat is extremely upsetting for someone who has personal space issues such as myself.

 The one good / slightly shy part of the flight is that three people recognized me from the TV show and congratulated me on my story. So that was nice.

 Anyway, we arrive, I eventually track down my shuttle service driver and off we go, arriving at the office at 10am.  5.5 hours after getting up that morning. Talk about a long commute.

 That night I was booked in at the Holiday Inn Garden Court next to IBM HQ.  Not luxurious by any stretch of the imagination, but adequate in terms of accommodation.  However, they put me in a smoking room, which really annoyed me.  As a non (ex) smoker, that cigarette smell is incredibly strong. Unpleasant actually. But by the time I made it to the room, I was too tired to go back downstairs and change my room.

 I arrived at the hotel at 5:30pm and immediately tried to order room service.  Considering I had been up for about 745 hours that day already, I was starving.  My food arrived at 7:30pm. By that time I had made 4 calls to reception asking where the fuck my food was. As mentioned previously, when it arrived it was pretty revolting. Slightly cold, congealed, starchy pasta. I ate it anyway.  Thank god for the wine.

 My flight back home today was suppose to be at 3:15pm, arriving at 5:25pm, meaning that I would get home by 6:15’ish pm.  Enough time to spend some time with the kids and wave goodbye to the husband as he leaves for his school reunion get together thingy. 

 The flight was supposed to board at 2:40pm.  By 3:25pm we were still sitting in the departure hall. No announcement, no reason why, absolutely fuckall was happening.  Then suddenly, again with no announcement, we are ushered on the plane, take up our seats (this time an aisle seat, thank god) and begin taxing out on the runway. Not too bad, I think. I should get home by 6:30pm.  At least I will get to spend some time with the kids before bed.  I text Marko and Rose and tell them that I should be home a few minutes late.

 FORTY fucking minutes later we are still sitting on the runway while they sort out whatever the fuck it is they had to sort out. By this time I am practically apoplectic. I haven’t seen my kids since Wednesday night and I am sitting on a runway 800 miles from home.

 I eventually got home at 7:05pm this evening and I have never been more pleased to be home.  I think I kissed my kids 400 times. Each.

 And to top it all, this is the weekend that I agreed to have a romantic night away with my husband. Booked months ago. I have never felt less like going. Sigh. Hopefully it will be better than my business trip.

 I really, really hate travelling.

Work = Time consuming

Gah! Can you believe I am starting a new role just as we head into our holiday season.  December is supposed to be about taking it easy, shopping and boozy lunches. Not training, orientation events and business travel*.  Most inconvenient.

 I am away for two days on business.  Please excuse my tardiness in replying to any email you might have sent me.  Work has been occupying a disproportionately large amount of my time.  Where they are going with that, I have no idea.

 * I am off to our HQ to meet my new boss and find what exactly it is I am to do in my new role.  Quite nervous.  

Welcome to IBM

 As of today, I am an IBMer. Welcome to me. I got a new access card (horrible photo, look hideous), a lovely fleecy jacket and a watch. A watch? I thought you got a watch you left a company not when you joined. Oh well, thanks anyway, I needed a watch. Mine broke two years ago. 

 As part of the joining process, we all have to undergo a medical exam. Mine is next week and in preparation there is a loooong questionnaire to complete. 

 Do you wear glasses for reading? Yes, am as blind as a bat without them
Are you hard of hearing?  No, but my husband is. Which annoys me no end
Have you ever had any kind of fit? All the time! I have a bloody fit when I have to repeat myself over and over because my husband can’t / doesn’t want to hear!
Do you often get diarrhoea? No, and I also don’t poo at work!
Do you have any skin problems? Yes, fine lines and wrinkles
Have you ever worked in a mine, quarry or as a sandblaster? Um, no.
 Do you smoke cigarettes? No (halo shining brightly)
Have you ever smoked anything else? Yes, but I never inhaled, really!
What is your weekly alcohol consumption? 2 units (TIMES SEVEN!!)
Are you on any medication? Do AD’s count?
Has a psychiatrist or psychologist ever treated you? One of the guys I used to date is a psychiatrist.  He treated me to dinner a few times. I treated him to ….well, never mind.
When was your last period?  Period of what? Haha! Funny me. Last period about two weeks ago after a 39 day cycle!! Am practically fertile.
Are you on any contraception?  Yes, abstinence. My husband is sick and moaning.  V unattractive.

 Next week is a very busy week for me.  A full week of orientation, medicals, training, travel etc. WORK! Gah! Can’t believe I actually have to work for my salary – how archaic? What happened to just pitching up and looking good?

 Seriously though, I think next year is a going to be a busy year for me. It is a new career direction, and I am actually quite excited about it. I am going to be doing something that is right up my alley. Would love not to have to work, but I have to do it, I might as well enjoy it, right?

 Well, on that note, let me be off. Just so that we ease into the new role and not have a total shock to the system, off to a lunch. A business lunch of course! (Lunch with work colleagues = business lunch)

 Oh, and just so that we are all clear, the views on this blog are my own personal ones, and do not reflect the views of IBM in any way, shape or form, blah blah official fishpaste. Disclaimer etc. Just in case.

 Have a fabulous weekend.