So Close

The Mommy Love addiction, or 'why I want more of the love'

You are all absolutely amazing. Thank you so much for your wonderful comments on my last post. I am really touched. You were all part right, some perhaps more so than others, but there was much wisdom in your words.

The reason I want more children is because the awesome, amazing love I have for my children is so wonderful that I think to myself ‘how can I not want more of this?’

What does Marko want, some of you ask? He wants whatever makes me happy. He is perfectly happy with our family of four, but if I want more, he would be perfectly happy too.

 

My life at the moment is exactly as I want it to be, or as close as dammit. My family does not feel incomplete, nor does there feel as if there is something missing. And yet, I don’t have that strong “I am done” feeling that some of you describe. I think I might always have a yearning for more children, but I think that would be true of whether I have two, three or more children. I honestly don’t think I will ever feel ‘done’. That is just me.

On every logical, financial, marital, sensible level, I should not have more children. My life is perfectly complete as it is now. The thing that is keeping me from taking that next step (going on the pill, closing that chapter) is the fear that one day I will come to the regretful realization that life is more than the logical, financial and sensible. That when you are old and your time left on this earth is few, you will realize that all that really matters is the richness of love that family, and especially children, bring. And I will be sorry I didn’t have more.

I can’t just stay off the pill and ‘see what happens’. I want to live in the present, I want to enjoy my life and be fully present in this moment in time. I need to make a decision, I am just so terrified I will realize one day, too late, that it was the wrong decision. But, after reading all your comments, and taking to heart each of your points of view, I am probably pretty much decided that I am done. I just wish I felt more certain about it. But then again, what in life is certain?

All that I know for certain is that I am incredibly lucky to have my two children and that my life is immeasurably richer for being their mother. Which is exactly why the decision not to have more is such a difficult one to make.

The Pros and Cons of having another child

(Ok, this post is starting to mess with my mind. I can NOT fix the table or the font so it is going up as is. It is starting to make me cross and we can't have that. Please look past the appalling formatting. EEEKK!  The table is too big to leave like that. I am going to have to do a 'read more' thingy. I know you hate it, but until I've fixed that forking enormous table, it is going to have to do)

This has been weighing on my mind very heavily the last few weeks. I feel as if I am at a point in my life where I need to decide whether to have another child or not.

In a bizarre turn of events, it would appear that having sex with my husband could in fact, lead to pregnancy (you should try it, comes highly recommended!)   I’ve suggested that we cease and desist with immediate effect, but to date he has shown a marked lack of enthusiasm for my suggestion, selfish bastard that he is.

Anyway, the bottom line is that I need to decide whether I am going to leave the factory open and entertain the possibility of another child, or whether to draw a line under that chapter in my life and stick with being a family of four.

I need your advice. I need you to step outside your current situation, and tell me what you really think. I am going to give you all my pros and cons, and I need you to tell me what you would do, if you were me.

Now, I want you to pay careful attention to the following two VERY important safety announcements:

1. What I am about to say is NOT a judgement on you, on your choices, your circumstance or your situation. If I say I feel ABC, it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with me and MY situation. Ok? I’d appreciate the same type of tolerance. Ta.

2. I need you to not think about yourself and how many children YOU have or you would want to have. If you have three kids, saying that I should only have two does NOT mean you don’t love your third child or wish that you could swap him or her for a bucket full of cash and a new car. Got it?

The emergency exits are marked clearly and are being pointed out to you now.

The one big plus that outweighs all the minuses

Thank you so much for all your input and your thoughts. You have given me so much to think about. I adore you, really I do.

Do you know why I want another child? Because I want more of the mommy love.

Before I had children, I had heard about this thing they called unconditional love.  I heard people make reference to how much they love their children, but I thought this ‘unconditional love’ they were talking about was how much their children loved them. I imagined having a child of my own who loved me so completely. Unconditionally. Who thought I was the best thing since sliced bread. There were many nights that I lay awake, wondering how that love might feel. Trying to picture that little face, eyes looking up at me, filled with love.

And now that I have children, I can see how wonderful it is, to be loved like that. My children love me very, very much. I know that I am at the centre of their universe. I am their everything. All they want is me, and it is both absolutely wonderful and overwhelming exhausting at the same time. Because all they want is ME!

However, what I didn’t understand before about this ‘unconditional love’ people spoke about is that it isn’t about how much my children love me, but rather about how much I love them.

I often tell people that when you do a cost / benefit analysis of having children; on paper, the costs far outweigh the benefits. If you do a simple spreadsheet, you will 474 thousand items in your cost column: Children make you poor / tired / old / frustrated / make you resent your partner / force you to give up your social life and probably your sex life / they don’t listen / they hate you when they are teens / they shout at you / they disobey you / they break your things / they puke on you / they wipe their nose on you / they kick, bite, scratch you etc etc. The list is looooong. On paper, having children, or at least more than one (did you not learn the first time around!!), seems like a really silly idea. But that is because you haven’t taken into account that one and only item that appears on the plus column: the love. The absolutely amazing love you feel for your child. And that one single item, that mommy (or daddy) love, far outweighs the entire minus column. That love is what makes having children so absolutely wonderful. And it is why I want another.

I thought I knew what love was before I had my children; I had no idea. It is an absolute honour, and a privilege to be able to love someone so much, so intensely and so completely. To have the opportunity, twice over, to love so, so much. This mommy love is headier, rushier and more trippy than any drug I have ever taken. It is deeper and more moving than anything I have ever experienced in my life. I had no idea I could love this much, and I want more. And THAT is why I want another.

Because if loving two children is so absolutely, mind-blowingly wonderful; what will it be like to love three?

And yet, I am not totally blind to the risks.  As my friend V so poignantly pointed out, there are enormous potential downsides to having more children. And I need to decide whether I am prepared to take on those risks. I am not sure what I should do. I want more of the love, but I also want to enjoy the children I already have, my husband and a life that I am only now starting to reclaim as my own. As I say, I am not sure what I am going to do, but I wanted to tell you why I wanted more children. It is about the love. All the other stuff is just noise. 

 

Closing Shop

(bodily functions and faulty reproductive bits mentioned)

I’m having a bit of a dilemma. Which is putting it mildly. I am not sure whether to shut the factory down for good, or keep it chugging along in its pitiful, yet marginally functioning state. 

If things were normal, if *I* was normal (cue hysterical laughter here), then I might be happy to let things chug along as they were and see what happens. But things (my body and I) are far from normal and so I feel like I need to make a decision either way. Which really sucks and makes me feel a renewed sense of frustration, irritation and mourning for the sorry state of affairs of my reproductive bits. 

I need to decide whether I would like another child, or whether I should go back on the pill / Mirena and put a final full stop at the end of ‘Mommy, Daddy, Adam and Kate.’

There is a part of me that would LOVE to conceive naturally and be pregnant with ONE baby. A big part. I have been so cheated of any ‘normal’ conception and pregnancy experience, plus I haven’t ever had a chance what it feels like to hold just one baby. To focus all your attention on ONE baby. So yes, there is a part of me that would love to have all of that. Plus I like the idea of a big family. I come from a big family.

But do I want another child? Children are expensive. They are exhausting. It has been a rough first two years with the twins; I am FINALLY seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. Do I really want to go through this again? 

And what about the very high chance of another loss? Can I handle yet another loss? What about the wear and tear on my body that pregnancy brings? I have been pregnant five times already. I am not sure my body and mind can handle any more.

It is not just the psychological and emotional limbo, I can handle that. Hell, I’ve been handling that for eight years now. Plus I don’t have the same sense of angst anymore, obviously. It is more a case of “would be nice, but not heartbreaking if it doesn’t happen”.

Another factor that is coming into play is my age. I will be 39 this month. OMG! How the fuck did that happen? Woosh! The sound of the years between 27 and 39 just racing by. I swear I was 27 only last week sometime! I am not sure I want to have another child at 40+. Not because I think there is anything wrong with being an older mother (in fact, I think there is a lot to be said for waiting a little), but because I am feeling my age. I feel old, and very very tired. Both my kids, but especially my son, take up so much of my energy that I am not sure I have it in me to have another one. What if it too is a non-sleeping, hard-work child! So, yes, the age thing is something I am considering. I am not sure what the cut off point would be for me, but it feels soon’ish.

The thing that is driving me to make the closing-shop decision sooner rather than later is that my cycles are completely wonky and it is driving me crazy.  I have loooong cycles and I take forever to stop bleeding. Sorry if TMI. (It is as if my body doesn’t have the hormone necessary to say “ok, you are done with your period, you can stop bleeding now and make eggs or a lining or whatever the fuck normal people make” My body gets stuck on repeat. No period………no period………no period………no period………no period………no period………no period………no period……… PERIOD!! Periodperiodperiodperiodperiodperiodperiodperiodperiod.  

I hate living like that. It wears me down and I actually want to reclaim my body back. Go back on the pill to force my body into a proper cycle (and stop the bleeding), or go on the Mirena and have no cycle at all. Even better.  If my useless reproductive bits (including those spectacularly ineffectual hormones of mine) aren’t doing anything except annoy me, why bother keeping them functional? Why not just shut them down for good and move on with my life. Eight years is a long time after all. And I do have two wonderful children. So why not just shut it down and move on?

Because I secretly think I want another child. And because dammit, I want my chance at normal. And because putting myself on birth control goes against every infertile bone in my body. Plus, my body has done it before. Conceive. Four times with a lot of medical intervention and once where, in a rare moment of planetary alignment and supernatural luck, the forces combined to ensure that there was an egg, a willing sperm cell with a keen sense of direction, a couch and napping children all at the same time. Of course that pregnancy ended really well, but the point is that with enough divine intervention and thinking of England, I apparently can conceive on my own. Do I really want to close off that tiny chance?

And yet, I feel as if I must make a decision. I want my life back and my body back.  (My mind is long gone) It is so unfair though. That I have to make this decision. Makes me cross all over again. Infertility: The gift that keeps on giving. It is amazing how something that other people don’t ever give a passing thought to can cause so much anguish in the lives of others. Sigh. 

Anyway, if you were me (aren’t you thankful you aren’t!), what would you do? Shut the factory down and get on with your life or keep the rusty machinery going just a bit longer. Just in case? What say you, oh wise and wonderful ones?

Finding joy in being normal

I got my periods this morning and I am THRILLED about it. I am so excited. I’ve never had a normal cycle, ever. Ever since I started my periods way back in the days of ox wagons and shoulder pads, I’ve always had v irregular cycles. 100 days long, then 40 days, then nothing for ages etc. I never even thought I ever ovulated, at least not without help. Well, the couch incident proved that I can actually ovulate on my own, albeit about once every 17 years or so. A bit like Halley’s comet, only less often.

As you know, I was going to track my cycle this month with that fertility monitor gadget thingy. Just in case I maybe, kind of, POSSIBLY felt like actually trying that old ‘s e x’ thing to get pregnant. Not that I think it will work, obviously! I mean, duh! As if s e x is going to work. (Oh please God let it work, it is my only chance). 

But of course SOMEONE (no names mentioned but it was the girl offspring) dropped it on the floor and lost all my readings so that was the end of that. BUT! On CD16 I felt a funny achy kind of feeling in my left ovary, similar to what I felt the day of the couch incident. And I thought “I wonder if that could possibly mean what I think it could mean…..”  And as true as Bob, here I am, exactly 14 days later with my period!!!!

DUDES!!!! DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!!!

I had a normal cycle!! I ovulated!! Now if I actually have sex at the right time I might be in with a chance. That is if, of course, I was thinking that I might like another. Which I am not of course. Not thinking about it at all. Nope, not at all. Not even a little bit. 

LIAR!

Well, there you have it

Using the fertility monitor has been very tricky with Kate around. Kate is our little much appreciated and adored alarm clock. Yes, even though we don’t need to be awake until much later, darling Kate wakes up every morning between 5 and 6am. She is a total morning person and 0.25 seconds after opening her eyes she is singing, wriggling, wanting me to sing “Mrs Miss Polly had a dolly”. Which I do in an effort to get her to ‘please my girl, please lets lie here for another five minutes’. Singing anything that early in the morning is enough to give one a splitting headache for the rest of the day. Especially when you get “another one Mom, louder!” This morning, all within two minutes of waking up, I had to sing Miss Polly, then sing it like a baby, then “sing it like a spider” (WTF??) then I had to “be like a monkey, Mom”, then when I asked if we could just lie quietly for a while I was told I was very naughty and that I had to go to my room. Then thank goodness it was Marko’s turn. All before I’ve pried the sleep out of my eyes.

Anyway, you are supposed to use the fertility monitor just after you have woken up and with Kate around, this has been a bit of a challenge. I first tried to sneak off to the bathroom but having the nose of a bloodhound, she is quick to ferret me out of my hiding place. “What you doing Mom?” Which signals the end of our lying down for the extra five minutes.

My next trick was to leave the monitor next to my bed, so that I could surreptitiously sneak my arm out and take a quick reading. (If she thinks I am getting up she is out of that bed like a bullet) Which worked until she found the monitor lying there. “I do it Mom”. There is something a little weird about seeing your daughter with the fertility reader thingy in her mouth, taking her readings.

Then this morning, after a terrible night with Adam (he has a cough, had to neb him at 3am) she woke up at FIVE am (oh dear lord). After finding the monitor next to the bed, she decided that “I be the doctor Mom”. In desperate hope of just five more minutes of lying down, I gave the monitor to her while she ‘beed the doctor’ using the monitor to poke around my feet.

The next thing I heard a crash and an “oops” and there was the monitor in pieces. Battery out, all my readings lost.

Well, there you have it. I’ve been wondering whether using the monitor was just creating extra negative stress and if I should stop using it. Looks like I have my answer. For this cycle anyway. Just as well, because this cycle is a total mess anyway.  I’ll pack my little monitor away until later and just shag for fun this month. Probably better that way.

That Kate. She is an unbelievable child. And she used to be such a sweet, good baby. I have no idea where she gets her sassiness (and dress sense) from.

Those of you interested in the words for Miss Polly, read further. Perhaps I will tape us singing it. V catchy tune. V annoying tune after the 100th iteration.

Stupid *&&%ing ‘surprise’.

You know, the surprise pregnancy in March was the worst thing that could have happened to me. I was so done. I had made peace with never trying again. I thought conceiving by having S E X was impossible, so I never thought about it. Now it is all I think about. Conception that is, not sex.

I don’t know what to do about it all. I know I can’t do another IVF (oh, how I wish I had the money to do another IVF!!) so that is out of the question. If I hadn’t ever conceived naturally I would have said ‘that is it’ and be done with it. But now there is this tiny possibility that is driving me crazy.

I have started using a fertility monitor (given to me by the very lovely Candice from Fertilitree*) to predict my fertile time. Ha. ‘Fertile’ and Tertia don’t go to together. And in case I forget, my little fertility monitor reminds quite succinctly every morning. “YOU ARE NOT FERTILE YOU STUPID ‘HO, HOW MANY DIFFERENT WAYS DO YOU WANT TO HEAR THE SAME MESSAGE”

Yes, yes, I know it means this is not my fertile time right now (as if anytime is), but I started bleeding today. CD11. Good one. Just perfect. Way to make a baby. Well done etc.

AARRGGHHHH!!!

I wish I hadn’t bloody got pregnant naturally. That was a particularly cruel mindfuck.

Perhaps I should just give it all up and have the ‘if it happens, it happens’ attitude, but I know myself. That doesn’t work with me. It is impossible for me NOT to think about something. I know I am going to think about it all the time now. It is such a bitch. In all my time of trying to conceive I never equated sex with the possibility of having a baby. Sex was for fun, IVF was for making a baby. Now all of that is all fucked up.

V v v annoying. Very. I will hopefully find some peace in all of this soon. Stop stressing about it. Stop thinking about it. Give it up. Move on. I hope so. Because it is starting to annoy me.  Plus I need to know whether I should sell all my baby stuff or keep it! As if that is the most important thing. Really, this shit is stressing me out. Blech.

*If you are in South Africa and looking for any fertility related products, have a look at Candice’s site. Super quick and efficient service.  She has everything there you need.  Except mail order babies – that would have been a nice touch, don’t you think.  Bugger the ovulation kits send me one or two of them babies over there. 

What is stopping you from doing just one more IVF?

My answer?

80% too poor
10% too old
10% too much without hope that would work anyway

If I had unlimited funds, I would carry on trying until we had another one.  The pain / hormones / discomfort etc aren't enough to put me off.  The money is.

(if you choose 'other' on the poll, please enter your reason in the space provided. if you want to)

Beeee End

Got the call. It's negative, as I expected. There is definitely something to be said for being prepared for the bad news.  Didn't even cry. Really am ok. Would have been nice, but oh well.  Onwards and forwards we go. Crack open that bottle Sheila, it is time for a drinkie poo.

As my kids* would say, "Beee End!"

*Was in Toys r Us, buying my kids presents** (just because) when I got the call. I thought to myself, 'how fucking lucky am I, to be here in this store, buying presents for MY KIDS'. Hard to be to be too tearful when I am so lucky. Perspective.

**Clearly the 'not spending so much money' part of my To Do list hasn't started yet.

Test #4 - All over bar the shouting