One of
the (several) really hard moments in the infertility journey is the appointment
when you get The Talk, the Donor Egg talk.
Even if it has been raised tentatively before, the Donor Egg Talk is
always a really difficult, highly emotional one. The Donor Egg Talk usually comes after many
IVFs, many disappointments, usually some losses, lots of money spent, tears
wept. The Talk is where the doctor sits you down and says “based
on your history / situation / the facts before me, I have to say that it looks
like the only way you are going to conceive is through the use of a donor egg”. And just like that, all your hopes and dreams
of having a biological child are over. And
while a donor egg baby is every bit as wonderful, special, beautiful and loved
as an own-egg baby, there are very very few people who, when they decide they
want to start a family, say “oh I know! Why don’t we totally give up on my DNA
and use a donor egg from someone else!”
There is a huge amount of grieving and loss that goes into the process
of acceptance of using donor eggs, and some people never manage to get over mourning the loss of their own DNA. But of
course, for those who do (and some do very quickly and matter of factly – they just
want a baby, where the DNA comes from is just not that important any more), it
is an absolutely wonderful, beautiful thing. Your chances of conceiving go from
<10% to 70% per attempt! Thanks to
the generosity of the young egg donors, there is so much renewed hope and
happiness.
But, as I
said, hearing The Talk is very upsetting, and I often get a call straight after
The Talk. (as part of the The Talk, the doctor hands out the numbers of their
preferred Egg Donor Agencies, of which
we obviously top the list – cos we are so fabulous). I hear the pain in these women’s voices and
my heart aches for them. I want to reach
through the phone and hug them. Yes, I will break my no hugging rule for these
heartbroken women, if it means I can offer them any comfort at all.
So, while
I was driving with the kids in the car yesterday, I got one of these calls. And
I could hear in her voice how much she was hurting. I spoke to her for a while, and tried to
reassure her, offer her some hope. I put
down the phone and sighed deeply, and muttered ‘that poor woman’. Adam asked me why I was sad, and I said I was
sad for a lady on the phone whose heart was very sore. So he asked why and I said that she really
really wants a baby and can’t have one.
Aside: You know how all kids love their birth
story? Here is ours: “Before you were born, mommy was very very
sad, she used to cry and cry because she had no children. Then she went to the doctor and the doctor
helped mommy make some babies and put them in mommy’s tummy and then you were
born and mommy was SO happy, she just loved her Adam and Kate so much.” They love that story.
So back
to yesterday. Adam asks ‘but why can’t
she have a baby’, and I replied because she can’t seem to make one. And as I answered I thought “oh no! I know
what is coming next!”
“But how
do you make a baby?”
Oh fuck.
I am not ready for this conversation!!
(Are you ever?)
Um, well…
(brain scrambles for age appropriate conversation, severely tempted to delve into
IVF 101 where there is no mention of mommy’s vagina and daddy’s penis….)
“Well,
the mommy has an egg and the daddy has a seed, and they mix together and then a
baby slowly starts to grow from the egg and the seed… OH LOOK, THERE’S A BIRD!”
And thank
God that was that, for now. We looked at
the bird and on we drove.
But this
morning he brought it up again. And I am
afraid, I copped out. I know, I know.
But in my defense, I was on the loo trying to have a number two (sorry
TMI), with Adam hanging over my lap (because he can’t leave me alone for FIVE
MINUTES). Anyway, he asked again how you make a baby. So I reminded him of the egg and the seed and
he said “oh yes, the mommy has the egg and the daddy has the seed, and then the
doctor mixes it with some medicine and a baby starts to grow”
That’s
right my boy. Now please get out, I
think I can hear Rose calling you.
Sigh. Maybe I should have used the opportunity to do a bit of a birds and bees talk, but, well, I need to get the story staight in my head, and decide just how much detail I should be going in to. And it is true what he said! The doctor does mix it
with some medicine! But ok, not
always. Dear lord, spare me when Max
asks the question. I think I will hand
it over to Marko to do the talk about penises and vaginas. After all, it was
his penis that caused all the trouble in the first place!!
PS our
first (Nurture Egg Donor) babies were
born yesterday!!!!!! Twin girls! What a special, special moment. I feel so
incredibly humbled that I had a small part to play in the creation of these two
beautiful babies. Mommy and babies are doing very well. The Nurture Aunties are
very proud! www.nurture.co.za