So Close

Do I make them go or do I let them stay?

Remember how I told you that I was putting the kids in aftercare and that they were excited to go etc? Well, the excitement soon wore off.  Adam has been fine as a few of his friends from class are at aftercare but Kate hates it.  Firstly, they serve food at aftercare. Normal food. OMG! FOOD!!!!  Kate doesn't do food.  I've told her and I've told the aftercare teacher that she doesn't have to eat a single thing at aftercare, I will pack extra food for her.  But it doesn't matter, there is FOOD around and she doesn't want to have anything to do FOOD*.

Secondly, apparently she has no friends at aftercare.  Which was true'ish as there are far fewer girls there than boys, but in a stroke of splendid good fortune, Kate's best friend started aftercare three afternoons a week. Perfect, I thought. I would only send the kids to aftercare when Kate's best friend went.  That went well for about a week, and then Kate said she didn't want to go anymore.  Because (a) there is FOOD at aftercare and (b) it takes too long.  She wants to come home. I asked her again today (they are on long school break at the moment) why she didn't want to go to aftercare and she said again "it is too long".  And of course, Adam has jumped on the bandwagon too and says he also doesn't want to go because it takes too long (<-- please note that aftercare is only until 3pm, three days a week) 

Rats and damnation!  I have a big dilemma now.  Do I make them go, or do I allow them to stay home.

My sister Melly and I always laugh at how different we are. Melanie's motto is 'if you start something, you finish it' and mine is 'you don't have to do anything you don't want to do'. Ok, not really. I know that in life there are somethings that you have to do, even if you don't like it. Like work / dieting / not drinking too much wine / marriage. (OOPS! Only joking! Marriage is wonderful. Am very fond of my husband at the moment.)  But they are only five years old.  Do I need to make them go to aftercare now if they really don't want to? Yes, I would like them to. I desperately need the time to work, but I work for myself. I work from home. I can make another plan.  Maybe not forever, but for now I can manage. 

Obviously they are not always going to get out of things they don't want to do. They can't say to me "I don't want to go to school". Tough luck buddy, you have no choice. But in this case, there is a choice, even if that choice is mine and not theirs. (Although, it has to be said that this choice comes at a cost - I still have a business to run which means I need to make up that time at night, which is not great for me or for my husband)

Shit, I don't know what to do.  Head vs Heart.  My head is saying something, but I can't hear what it is saying because all I can hear is my heart and my heart is saying "you don't have to go if you really don't want to".  I can't help but put myself in their shoes and I wouldn't want to go either. I am a homebody boring old fart too, I love being at home. 

I can make her go. I know I can.  But I also know that the teacher says that Kate sits there the whole time, sucking her thumb, not saying much, not eating, not mixing with the other kids and asking when she can go home all the time. It breaks my heart. That is not who Kate is.

I know I am too soft with my kids.  I know I parent too much with my heart and not enough with my head, but in this whirly twirly world of a million rights and wrongs the only thing I can trust is my gut, and in my case my gut is almost always linked to what my heart is saying. 

What should I do?  Do I allow them to decide they don't want to go anymore or do I make them go. What are your thoughts?

PS they are at holiday camp this week, from 8am until 12:45.  They had fun the first two days, but now they have had enough. They don't want to go tomorrow because 'it takes too long'. Tough luck, sorry for youuuu!  I am making them go because I need to get some work done and because it is good for them to get out and play for at least part of the day.  So I can make them do some things when I feel it is the right thing to do. 

* What does Kate eat? She has a few things she will eat and she will not eat anything else. You can stand on your head and whistle through your arse, she will not even try anything else.  Example:  the kids drink tea (Rooibos tea).  That is what they are used to.  Recently Mimi (their granny) offered to make them hot chocolate with a marshmallow in it. Delicious!  Kate would not try it. Adam loves it. Now Adam has it instead of tea but Kate refuses to even try it. She drinks her boring old tea while Adam has his hot chocolate with the marshmallow.  Whatever.  After five years, I have learnt not to get worked up over it. As long as she is getting some nutrition in, I am not going to sweat about it.

A big moment!

What a big moment today, Adam lost his first tooth! Very exciting. The Tooth Fairy will be paying a visit tonight. On that note, how much does the Tooth Fairy shell out for a tooth nowadays? I have no idea how much is appropriate.  I am giving him R20 (about $2,5 dollars). To be honest, it wouldn't matter to him whether it was R2, R20 or R200 as he doesn't know the difference. How much do you give for a tooth?

 

PS my babies are growing up. sob

PPS Katie E E is very upset that she doesn't have a wobbly tooth. But is trying to be stoic about it.

Letting even more people raise my kids

As if it is not bad enough that I have a nanny, I have now put the twins in after-care - is there no end to the bad mothering??

I have always had a 'thing' about after-care.  Before the kids went to school, I had visions of the children in after-care sitting quietly and sadly in a room, counting down the hours until their parents came to fetch them. Poor abandoned little children.

And then my kids started real/big school with a stunning after-care facility and suddenly my view has changed significantly.  That, combined with my children asking me when they can have a turn to go to after-care, plus my hugely increased work load, plus my kids telling me they are BORED the minute they get home from school has led me to give this after-care thing a go.  I have booked them in for this term until 3pm every day. 

The after-care facility is wonderful, they get a lovely meal, lots of activities, excellent supervision etc.  Plus it gives me three extra precious, very necessary hours to do some work. Everything is perfect. 

So why do I feel so guilty?  Why do I feel like I am somehow shirking my duties by putting them in after-care until 3?  I should somehow be able to work full time and be a full time SAHM. 

The other day I went to do some grocery shopping before fetching them (so much faster and easier on the budget) and I felt absolutely terrible.  My kids were in after-care while I was SHOPPING! I kept waiting for someone to report me to the parenting police. Which I am sure will happen once I hit 'send' on this post.

Anyway, I am being an asshole. I need to get over myself.  The kids are happy, they are well looked after and I am able to get some work done. Life is not just about what you want to do but also about what you need to do in order to thrive and survive.

PS it is not working, still feel guilty. Damn.

Its a twin thing

Today I referred to my kids as 'the twins'.  Something I never do.  It is not my fault.  It is because I now have so many children, I need to group and categorize them.  The Twins and the Baby.  I open drawers in my kitchen and what do I find?? More babies!

Remember how I wasn't so excited about having twins in the first year of their lives?  Remember how unfun it was?  Well, it is LOTS of fun now.  Now I love having twins, they play together so nicely.  They fight, of course but most of the time they have such a great time together.  They are always going on 'inciting siventures' (exciting adventures) together.  

Siventure One - going to feed the ducks.  This was two days ago, notice autumn / winter clothing.

 

Siventure Two - running through the neighbours sprinklers today.  Clearly summer is not quite dead yet.

 

Today Kate was invited to a party of a school friend that she and Adam went to school with last year.  It is a girl's party so Adam is not invited.  Actually, he was invited but only because he is Kate's twin - he would be the only boy there. The two of them are usually seen as a team AdamandKate and do all play dates together but this time I am saying 'thanks, but no thanks.'  It is a party for girls and Adam needs to realize that (a) he is not actually one of the girls and (b) sometimes he (or Kate) will not be invited.

I broke the news to him this evening that Kate had been invited to the party but unfortunately he wouldn't be going (we use the word 'unfortunately' in this house.  Unfortunately Kate uses when she talks to me which is very unfortunate indeed.  "Mom, unfortunately I can't pick up my toys right now as I am very tired"). 

Adam was a little sad for a moment and said "but ____ is my friend too".  But when I explained that it was a girls-only party and and that he and his dad would be having a special boys day at the Spur together, he cheered up immensely.  Now I just have to inform Marko that unfortunately he (Marko) wont be spending his Saturday afternoon on the couch watching sport but will instead by spending the afternoon at the Spur. I am sure he is going to be very excited.

Unfortunately it is now time for bed.  Fortunately for me Kind Marko has volunteered to sleep in the spare bed as he has a cold / blocked nose which means that his normal hardly noticeable delicate snoring will be something akin to a chainsaw sawing its way through sheets of metal tonight.

PS Two blog posts in one week! I am on a roll

PPS Buy the May edition of the Sarie magazine - Marko and I are in it.  

PPPS I need to talk to you about sending my kids to after care and how terribly guilty I feel about it, even though they WANT to go.

Bonny and Clyde

Toy guns

When Sister Mel had her first child 13 years ago, she was quite an ethno-bongo (tree-hugger / granola type).  She said that her son would not play with guns and there would be no toy guns in the house.  However, it wasn't long before he was fashioning make-believe guns out of old marijuana branches and shooting pow-pow at imaginary baddies. 

I have much lower standards and looser morals than my sister and the toy gun thing was never an issue for me.  I have never specifically gone out to buy toy guns for my kids, but along with pirate masks and eye patches, they have also chosen toy guns and pirate swords.  And it doesn't worry me at all.  Admittedly I have not studied in detail any studies that say playing with guns at five years old increases the propensity to become a serial murder in later life, but my gut says that banning toy guns in my house will not help much if that is his eventual career choice. I would prefer he becomes a plastic surgeon or something useful like that but as parents we must be careful not to force our own aspirations on our child.  (Dear Adam, please don't become a serial killer, there is no money in that! Choose a nice profession like plastic surgeon or IT entrepreneur so that you can help mommy one day). I am not anti guns, and I am not pro guns. I don't feel strongly either way, but I know that some people do. (Some people feel strongly about EVERYTHING. I wish I had the time)

Adam came home from Mimi and Pops the other day with a REAL GUN! It was a pellet gun (I think you call them air guns/ air rifles) that used to belong to my brother when he was a teenager.  You shoot tin cans with them, I think.  It was empty of course, but Adam was BESIDES himself with excitement.  He is so thrilled with his 'weal gun', he sleeps next to it every night and carries it all around the house with him.  I am not mad about it, only because it looks so damn real.  He is not allowed to point it at people, but I've let him carry it around the house. 

My children started an annoying habit last year where they want to take something to school every day to show the rest of the kids. Something new / exciting etc.  It's annoying because they are not allowed to bring their own toys to school so I have to schlep it to the class, and then schlep it all home again. 

Anyway, Adam obviously wanted to take his 'weal gun' to school to show his friends and I had to tell him he couldn't because some moms don't like guns and would judge his mother for allowing him to play with a gun and then they will talk about me behind my back and label me etc.  Well, I just said that some moms don't like children to play with guns.  A conversation we have had to rehash a million times.  "But why don't some moms like it when their children play with guns?"  "Which moms?"  On and on.  Anyway, I've stood firm. The gun can come with in the car, but it can't come out.  The gun has travelled to and from school every day this week and last week.

Then, yesterday as I put them in the car after I went to fetch them, my phone rang.  I was standing next to the car with the door open chatting to whoever was on the phone.  Next thing, Adam is by the open door, proudly showing his gun to the other kids (and their moms), saying "LOOK, I GOT A WEAL GUN, AND IT HAS GONE WEAL BULLETS IN IT".  I couldn't get off that phone fast enough.  I giggled nervously and said in a falsetto voice "oh, haha, don't be silly Adam, its not a REAL gun and it certainly doesn't have REAL bullets in it, nowputitawayandgetinthecarimmediately".

OMG!  Now they are all going to hate me.  I saw the look the one mother gave me (only has girl children who clearly don't have weal guns with weal bullets in them).  Sigh.

I don't know.  I don't think it will do any harm for Adam to play with the gun but I am obviously not 100% convinced about it because otherwise I wouldn't be so anxious about other people seeing. 

I really don't think that playing with a toy gun is going to make him any more or any less violent.  In my gut, I don't feel this. I am not sure what it is about toy guns that upsets some mothers (and I am sure I am about to be enlightened why), but I am actually way WAY more concerned about violent computer games and TV programs where 'baddies' explode / have their heads chopped off / fighter planes shoot each other out the sky etc than I am about toy guns. 

How do you feel about toy guns? Do you let your boys & girls have toy guns in their toy box?  Is a water pistol in the pool allowed?  What about those squirting water tube things?  A sword?  Where do you draw the line?

Uncle Paulie's girlfriend has teeth!

Me: Guys, remember Uncle Paulie, mommy's brother? * lives in London, so we dont see him too often
Adam:  yes?
Me:  He has got a new girlfriend.  Apparently she is really pretty (apparently Uncle Paulie's big sister went spying on Uncle Paulie's Facebook friends list to see what Uncle Paulie's new girlfriend looked like - and yes, she is really pretty)
Adam: What is her name?
Me: xxxx

pauses for thought

Adam:  But does he still love us?
Me:  Of course he does.

pause

Adam:  Kate, I love you
Kate:  Well, I dont love you
Me:  Kate! That is not very nice, your brother is being so sweet
Kate:  But I dont love him
Me:  Adam, dont worry, I love you, very much
Adam:  And I love you mom, up to a million times.  I love you even when I be a dad. I love you even when I am a Pops. 
Me:  Thanks Adam, that is so sweet, I love you a million times too

pause

Adam:  Does she have teeth?
Me:  Does who have teeth?
Adam: Uncle Paulie's girlfriend
Me:  Of course she does! (she says hopefully)
Adam: Does she have teeth like me or big teeth like you?
Me: Big teeth like me.

pause

Adam:  Mom, why do old people's teeth fall out?
(now it all makes sense!  His grandfather Pops bit into a peach pip on the weekend and his crown broke off.  this clearly had a big impact on Adam)
Me:  Well, sometimes when people get older their teeth get a bit looser and then they fall out.

pause

Adam:  Mom, I love you even when I am a Pops and even when my teeth fall out.

Me:  Thank you Adam, me too

We are meeting Uncle Paulie's new girlfriend soon.  I hope she does have teeth or else Adam is going to be very disappointed.

My day was interesting, how was yours?

This afternoon, in the middle of a meeting I suddenly heard a loud thud followed by a yell. Adam had fallen and bumped his head.  It is always difficult to tell whether Adam is seriously hurt because Adam is rather fond of regular and intense crying.  I put him on my lap and soothed him (in other words asked him to cry quieter please) but when he began falling asleep and didn't want to wake up I started to worry.  Off to the pediatrician. On the way there he seemed to perk up and I wondered whether I wasn't wasting my time.  Doctor had a look, he seemed ok.  When we got home he fell asleep for about an hour and a half.  Woke up feeling much better, quite perky.  Had a few sips of juice and promptly puked it all up.  Phoned the doctor and had another chat.  Adam seemed completely fine, so we decided to just keep an eye on him.  He had a very impressive bump.  He fell so hard that he even scrapped the skin off:

30 minutes and three grapes later, another big puke. This time I called the doctor and said I was coming in. Jumped in shower, grabbed my toothbrush and his PJs and ran towards the garage.  Where I found Adam riding his bike.  Decided to take him to ER anyway.  Adam chatted up a storm on the way to the ER, skipping around. Had a long chat to the doctor and decided that we would not admit him to hospital, he really does seem fine.

We are home now and I said he could sleep next to me in the bed - GREAT excitement!  I want to keep an eye on him through the night.  He seems absolutely fine but head injuries are not to be messed with.

Tomorrow is tuck shop day at school and each child has to bring R5 to buy whatever they want at the tuck shop.  Adam is SO excited, he is sleeping hugging his backpack with the money in it.  (and he has to go to sleep with this camping light thing.  I switch it off once he falls asleep)

So sweet, I am really fond of this boy.  Today was a little scary, I must admit

Anxious is my default setting

On Monday I start work at my regular job after EIGHT months maternity leave.  To say I am feeling a bit anxious about it would be a gross understatement.  I am not even sure I remember what to do, never mind remembering all my passwords and log ons.  It is going to be hectic balancing all the parts of my life and trying to fit in three full-time roles in one day.  We will see what happens.

On Wednesday the kids start at their new school.  The start of a new chapter in our lives. They have spent the last two years at Aunty B's playschool which has been absolutely wonderful.  I couldn't have asked for a better introduction to school than what they had at Aunty B.  It was a small, protected environment and each child was allowed to be what they needed to be.  They could have their dummies in their mouths if they needed, they could have their lovies in their hands all day if they needed. 

But now big(ish) school starts.  No school uniforms yet, but a lot more structured and a lot more rules. No more flitting in at 8:55 (ok, sometimes 9:05).  School starts at 8:30 sharp and the kids are expected to be there by 8:15 at least.  Plus the school is a good 20 mins further away than the last one.  Which means we (and by 'we' I mean 'I') will have to become a lot more organized in the morning. And by 'organized' I mean 'do not spend 45 mins on your computer in the morning catching up on emails while the kids run around playing'. 

I am obviously feeling a bit anxious about the new school. Because anxious is what I do.  But don't be alarmed, I am going to do my very best not to let the kids see or feel my anxiety.  All of their little friends except for one are going to another school, the public school near the old school.  But those selfish fuckers didn't have place for my twins because their mother didn't know you had to apply while the children were still in embryonic phase. Not that I am bitter of course. (Note to self:  Enroll Max in ass-wipey school TOMORROW)

I have made a big deal about our new school, the kids are very excited and keep asking me how many sleeps they have to go.  Lets hope that excitement lasts!

Our new school is a very good school. It is a private one, top education, small classes, cost a fucking fortune etc, but if I could have chosen, I would have sent the kids to the local school that the rest of their mates are going to.

Anyway, I keep remembering how anxious I was when the kids went to school the first time, and how quickly I LOVED that school and how much more I LOVED having a break in the mornings.  So it will all be good I am sure. 

Aarggh!  I can't help but feel anxious about this.  I wish I didn't, but I do.  And no, telling me to just not be anxious doesn't work.  Telling a person who is naturally anxious not to be anxious is like telling a person who stutters to just not stutter.  You either are or aren't, or you do or don't.  There are things you can do to help, and I will do those things, but anxious is my default setting. 

PS I've taken to updating my Flickr photos a little more often, so if you like go there and have a look at a few pics of the kids

There are lessons to be learnt everyday

Lesson One:  Pick your battles aka What Were You Thinking, Tertia

Me: Lets go to the park guys

Kids: Much jubilation

Me: It's late though, so we aren't staying for long

Adam: Can we stay for 5 mins

Me: Yes

Kate: Can we stay for 13 minutes

Me: Yes

Adam: Can we stay for 17 minutes

Me: Yes

Kate: Can we stay for a million minutes

Me: No, we can't stay long. Just play for a bit and then we will go home

Kate: I want to stay for a million minutes!!!

Me: Don't be silly, we aren't staying for a million minutes

Kate: I WANT TO STAY FOR A MILLION MINUTES!!!

Me: Kate! Don't be ridiculous, we can't stay for a mill....... (I suddenly realize I am arguing with a five year old who can't tell time - WTF!!)  ...... ok Kate, we can stay for a million minutes.

Kids: Much jubilation, skip off to go play. 

We leave 20 minutes later, everyone is happy. 

Lesson Two: Teaching children about the value of money and hard work aka Be Careful What You Wish For

Scene 1:  At the kids play place

Kate:  I want one of those squishy ____ (a ridiculously overpriced toy that some sadist left right at the checkout)

Me: No

Kate: But I want one!! (to be read in whiny voice)

Me: No Kate, I am not buying one of those, they are too expensive

Kate:  (with great dramatic flair) YOU'RE RUINING MY LIFE!

Me:  I am not buying that toy. That's it.

Kate: Then I will buy it myself

Me:  With what money?

Kate: You must give me money.

Me: Oh no, it doesn't work like that. You have to WORK for money

Kate:  (dramatically) But I ASK and I ASK to go to work with you (true story, they always want to come with me when I say I am going to work), and you always say NO!  How am I supposed to work if you wont let me go!

Me:  Kate, you aren't supposed to come to my work to do work, you need to have a JOB. You need a job to make money.

Kate:  (throws hands up) But my job is to make a mess and you are always telling me not to make a mess and so how am I supposed to do my job if you wont let me?

Me:  (I try my best to hide my laughter and explain about jobs and pocket money etc.  I see a light goes on in Kate's mind).

Kate is now on a mission to make money.  She is constantly hounding me for jobs for money.  This morning at 6am on New Years Day, she pries open my eyes with the words "have you got a job for me?".  I let her reorganize (read 'mess') my sock drawer. 

This is her collection of money she has made so far.  Next step is to teach her the actual monetary value of each coin. But not too soon, it is far cheaper letting her believe that more coins are better than a few paper notes.