So Close

It's like riding a bike

I accomplished one of the most exciting achievements of my life this weekend, I taught the kids how to ride a bike. It was SO exciting!

We stay in a fantastic security estate, a little haven where the kids are able to ride their bikes around the complex with very little cars driving around and where there aren't any 'baddies' lurking around. At any given day on a weekend there are at least 10-20 young children riding their bicycles up and down. And up until this point, my children haven't been able to participate because they didn't know how to ride a bike.  We bought them bikes 6 months ago but after an aborted attempt to teach them how to ride a bike (*cough* Marko *cough*), the bikes just gathered dust in the garage. I thought about teaching them myself but it was hot and sweaty and I just couldn't.

But it is school holidays now and on Thursday night it was one of those beautiful Cape Town sunny winter's evenings and I thought I would give it a bash. I ran up and down next to the bike telling them how to balance and how to peddle (yay, I remembered!) and Adam got it straight away. Within a few minutes he was peddling up and down as if he had being doing it for years. He had got it.  It took until this morning for Kate to get it, but she has got it too.  It was such a fantastic feeling to see the two of them riding up and down on their bikes.

Yesterday I bought Max a bike too and today the kids were on their bikes the whole day. Poor Adam has a sore bum from all the bike riding. Marko and I are so excited about this bike riding thing we are thinking about getting bicycles too! 

Here are some pics from today. I was going to photoshop some shoes on Max and a helmet on Adam but I am tired and its late so I want you to pretend you can see them. Would hate to have a repeat of this.

 

 

Would you leave your 8 year olds home alone?

I posted a question on Facebook this morning that got a lot of responses really quickly, so I thought I would bring the discussion on to my blog.  The question I asked was:

"Would you leave your two 8 year olds at home in your guarded security estate behind electric fencing, controlled access alone without adult supervision. Just for 30 mins to do trolley dash at Woollies. They know my number, they can phone if there is an emergency. Pool net on. They know the neighbor. I can probably nip to Woolies for 30 mins, can't I?"

The response was about 70% definite no and a 30% yes.  I was surprised at how many adamant nos there were. Over a 100 people posted a response, it makes interesting reading.  Not sure whether you can view the responses here -> LINK.

In summary, the major objections to leaving them home alone were about the following:

1. They could get up to mischief
2. There could be an emergency like fire or fall etc
3. I could stuck in traffic / in the shop and take longer than 30 mins, what would they do

I think I have covered the gist of the concerns from those who said no ways.

I have never left my children alone at home, but today I needed to go to the shop to get some food and I thought about it a bit and wondered whether they would be ok by themselves.  And so I did it - I left them at home for 30 mins. And they were fine. And also thrilled to have been given the responsibility to be good at home and also that I trusted them enough to behave.

In response to the concerns raised by others:

1. My children are definitely not super well behaved (at all) but they don't mess around with my strict rules. I don't have many rules (I am quite a softy) but the rules I do have (which are about safety) are absolutely non-negotiable.  My faith in them might be misplaced, but I do not think they will get up to that kind of mischief while I am away. It is not in their nature to be sneaky or wait for me to be away. Whatever they do behind my back they do in front of me, knowing that if it isn't dangerous, I am pretty easy.
2. As for the emergency, obviously that is a concern. My thinking with this is that firstly there are two of them. If one of them needs help, the other one will go get it. I am not sure I would leave only one of them at home.  Our neighbours are very close (as in I can hold my neighbours hand while I am on the loo and she is in the kitchen, its delightful), so if heaven forbid something had to happen, they could run next door in 30 seconds. Secondly, Adam carried the wireless phone around with him all the time.  We practiced him calling my number. I phoned and checked up on them when I was at Woollies. Plus they can call the security guards on the internal phone system should they need help.
3. Woollies is exactly 2kms away, so unlikely that I would get stuck in traffic in Sleepy Hollow on a Sunday morning when all the good folk are at church, but of course accidents happen.  Marko was due home at 11. This was 10am.  Worst case scenario, they would have been home alone for an hour.
4. Not mentioned as a concern but a VERY big factor is that Max wasn't there - not a chance in hell would I leave Max at home alone with his siblings as (a) he is bloody naughty and (b) they make TERRIBLE baby sitters.

But what I didn't mention in my note, which is a major consideration, is that Rose was in her room.  It's her day off so she was sleeping late or doing whatever she was doing, but I knew that the children could run to her room if something happened. I obviously told them this as well.  And then just to be sure, I called her and told her what I was going to do.

So perhaps theoretically I didn't leave them home alone as Rose was in her room (which is adjacent to the house, entrance on the outside of the house), but having done it for the first time now and having read all the responses and had a think about it, I think I would do it again, even if Rose wasn't there.  Between you and I, if it was Kate and a friend, I wouldn't do it, but Adam is extremely responsible.  He is such a people pleaser / rule follower that he would never do anything risky.  Kate would probably let the bath water run or swing from the chandeliers, but Adam wouldn't.  He was in charge of the wireless phone.  

It's hard to know when to let go. How protective to be.  It's funny, because I consider myself quite a protective parent with some things, in fact, I thought I was quite a helicopter parent but after reading the responses on the FB post and also a discussion at Whine Club the other night, I realized I am not as helicopter as I thought. Hmmm, interesting.  I know I am a terrible molly-coddler, a big softie and a little bit helicopter'ish, but maybe I have elements of free-range after all. Who knew!

So for those who did not participate in the FB discussion, what would you do?  

(Funny, you know what my biggest fear is/was? That someone will break into the house and hurt them.  I am not scared of them being naughty or too worried about accidents happening at home. Or being stuck in traffic - I could just phone Adam on the home phone.  My thing is that I am TERRIFIED of someone breaking in and hurting them / stealing them. But I had that side covered by living in Fort Knox security estate.  If that peace of mind wasn't there, I would never have gone. I think that is a particular South African fear that perhaps overseas people don't have as much.)

Averaging out on the positive side

This is Adam's letter to me.  There are 10 "I love you"s and five "I hate you"s.  So on average, he loves me more than he hates me.  Which is a good thing.  As long as the positives outweigh the negatives, we know we are winning.

The reason why there are five "I hate you"s is that I would not give him a sweet.  Things did improve after a while and this letter followed (this is me in a racing car):

A trip to museum - A photographic essay by Kate Albertyn

On Friday, armed with only a wooden spoon and the threat of Going Home Immediately if anyone misbehaved, I took 4 six year olds to the museum on my own.  Four rather exuberant six year olds.  (None of them are the shy retiring types).  It went surprisingly well.  It helped that as we arrived the chap at the front desk played along with me.  I asked him in a stern voice what the rules of the museum were and in response he pointed at the CCTV camera saying "No running, no screaming and remember... there are cameras everywhere watching..."  All four kids nodded and looked suitably tamed.  

The kids were SO excited, they love the museum.  There is a very fun / very scary dinosaur section which is a huge hit.

I only had to remind them about 17 times not to run or shout, which is quite good considering. I am quite proud of them for all being so well behaved and I am even more proud of myself for surviving it all.

After the museum we went to the Company Gardens to feed the squirrels, but that was cut short by the extremely aggressive, persistent pigeons who swarmed around us every time we stuck our hand in the packet of peanuts. 

Kate decided that she would photograph the outing, a job she took VERY seriously, stopping to photograph Every.Single.Display. Some pictures came out ok, most came out not so ok. I will spare you the 100s that fall in the latter category.  

Kate not yet mastering the art of the automatic flash: Adam at the dinosaur exhibit. He has this cool new party trick where he can stick his tongue through his teeth when the teeth are pressed shut. Passion gap FTW!

Taking pics of her best friend K

Whale bones

Getting better 

Best friend's feet were getting sore so we had to have a rest

On our way out, very relieved. Carrying shoes of best friend whose feet were sore.  Wooden spoon was in my handbag. 

One that I took. Please note how happy Kate is to be hugged. She is a non-hugger, just like her mother.

At home, safe and sound, having lunch

 

Adam sketches our family

What Adam lacks in artistic skills (and lets be perfectly honest here, art is not his strong point), he makes up in love.  His quick sketch of our family.

PS don't you just love how he has made Rose's hair curly.  Cute. 

Adam has a new girlfriend

On the way home from school, Adam blurts out: "I have a girlfriend."

Oh, I say with marked interest, who is it?  He hasn't expressed any interest in any girls so far, so this 'girlfriend' is a new development.

"Mary", he says (not her real name. Don't want to ruin relationship with future in-laws!)

Not wanting to cast doubt on his relationship skills, I casually ask "How do you know she is your girlfriend?"

"Because Ben and I make her laugh"

A sense of humour is very attractive and so I can imagine that perhaps Mary might want to be Adam's girlfriend after all, despite the fact that he sometimes cries (thankfully not as often as before) and also only ever wants to play with boys.   

"Is she your girlfriend, or yours and Ben's girlfriend?"

"Both of us" he replies.

Oh, I say, that sounds great.  After a few minutes of internal smiling, I remember that Adam already has a girlfriend, my BFF's daughter.   

"What about Kristin, I thought she was your girlfriend?"

"She is. I have two girlfriends. Mom, I am going to play on my iPad now, ok?"

And that was the end of our conversation about girlfriends. 

My little big boy is growing up!  So sweet.

PS I am fine with the girlfriend situation only because I am hanging on the promise he made a few years ago when he swore that he would never leave me and that he would marry me when he was big.  He better not forget! 

 

Six years old

Adam and Kate are six years old today. SIX YEARS OLD!  I can't believe it.  I know it's a cliché but it really does go by so fast.  It feels like yesterday that they were tiny babies.

I was going to write a moving post about how much I love them and how proud I am of them but we had a swimming party today.  A party in this heatwave we've been having (see below).  A party in which I didn't (a) swim (b) relax or (c) sit down longer than 1 minute due to the fact that along with my six year old twins (who are pretty much self-maintaining), I have a very VERY busy 20 month old baby who I had to run after constantly. I am exhausted.

In summary:  twins had birthday today, am very fond of them etc.  The End.

(Note - as my sister says - it is the same recipe I used to bake the cake last year. Amazing!)

Current warning: Western Cape

• Updated: 07/01/2011 13:16:13
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• Subject: Heat Wave and Extremely Uncomfortable Conditions

 

Forcing your child to be friends with others

You know how some children are just so sweet and sensitive and soft and gentle?  Kate is not so much like that. She has MANY redeeming qualities, but being soft and sweet is not one of them. To be honest, I prefer her the way she is. I love that she is so strong, that she is a leader and that she takes charge. I love that she is so confident and I especially love that she gets along with just about everyone. 

While some children have BEST friends, or a small group of really close friends, Kate is friends with everyone.  She prefers playing with the non-girly girls, but she does play with them too (she ask them if she can be their dog and they love it). She also plays with almost all the boys, except for the really rough ones. She moves between all the groups of friends at school.  

Kate is a gregarious, confident, friendly, clever, take charge kind of girl.  However, sometimes she can be a bit insensitive to the more sensitive type of friend.  And although I said above that I love her just the way she is and that I am actually quite proud of how she interacts with her world, I do think a dose of sensitivity towards others wouldn't go amiss. 

I was chatting to my BFF about this yesterday.  Should I, can I *make* Kate be more sensitive to her BF who loves her so?  Can I tell her that she HAS to play with a friend's slightly developmentally delayed child who adores her?  My BFF said I can and should as this is a life skill - through out life you sometimes have to be friendly with or nice to people you might not always want to.  She is right - sometimes you have to kiss ass or play nicely with people you would far rather give a kick up the pants.

Yesterday on the way to taking her to a play date, I decided that it was the perfect time to have a little heart to heart with Kate about this. We were alone, she had just told me she loves me up to Jesus, even past him and even up to Space (because I was taking her to a play date), it was the right moment:

Me:  Kate, you know how some people are a bit bigger than others, or faster or stronger and some people aren't?  Well, we must remember to be nice to all people, even those who aren't as clever or strong as us. 

Kate:  Am I stronger and faster and cleverer?

Me: Well, yes but not everyone is good at everything and it is important to be kind to all people, even when you sometimes don't want to play with them.  Being kind is very important. Even when you don't always feel like playing with the person, you should always be kind. (carried on a bit about being kind etc)  What do you think?

Kate:  Excuse me, can you repeat that? I fell asleep there for a minute.

Me: KATE!!! 

Kate: That is what Chowder says on TV *giggles*

Me: You are not watching any more Chowder!

Me:  And anyway, we have to be especially nice to XYZ because he is a bit sad at the moment.  Sadly his mommy and daddy have decided not to be together any more (explained a bit about divorce etc) Isn't that sad..

Kate:  Yes, that is sad...... Please PLEASE can I get a puppy*???

I laughed to myself.  That child!  Adam is SO sensitive and caring and worried about others.  Kate not so much. I am always amazed at how two children who shared a womb and who were raised pretty much the same can be so different. Adam has a best friend who he absolutely LOVES.  He wants to marry his best friend.  Kate plays with anyone who comes along.

Do you MAKE your children play with other children that they don't want to be friends with? Do you make them be friendly in the way that you think they should be friendly.  Please dont think Kate is nasty to other children, she isn't. She actually loves her BF a lot, she is just not always so sensitive to her needs. Kate is just not a one-on-one, intense kind of BF. 

I hope I have made sense in this post. I've had to change some facts here and there so that I don't upset anyone, but I hope you get the gist of my question.  

*The puppy thing - Kate is begging every day to get a puppy.  A puppy and a fish. I am leaning towards fish.

There ain't no cure for what ails him

Adam: I feel sick, I need some medicine

Me: What is wrong?

Adam:  I feel sick, I need some medicine

Me:  Yes, but what is wrong? What hurts? Where are you not feeling well*

* Very important not to ask leading questions like "does your tummy hurt" because the answer is usually yes to whatever body part you've pointed out.

Adam: I think I have got the fluid (I am assuming he means flu)

Me:  Hmm, I don't think so.  I don't think that is what is wrong with you. You need to tell me what type of sick you are feeling.

Adam:  Well, what is the blue medicine for?

Me:  Oh no, it doesn't work like that, you only have medicine when you are really sick and you are not sick.

Adam:  Well, I have FLUID and I could DIE you know, I need some blue medicine.

I managed to persuade him that a sweet would make him feel better.  What he has is the common or garden Pain-in-the-assness and blue medicine (Demazin - our medicine of choice) doesn't work for that.

On Death Row and in Deep Trouble

I am not a very good disciplinarian. It is one of my weak points.  As you know, I hate hurting people's feelings and having to punish the very people I am committed to love and protect is a hard thing for me.  But even pushover like me can only be pushed so far. Today I was very, very cross.

 Adam and Kate were acting like total and utter brats the whole day.  In fact, not just today but for a while.  We have name Kate Portia Gibbons because she behaves like a Mean Girl ALL THE TIME.  I know I said I wouldn't label my kids but OMG!!!  KATE = PORTIA GIBBONS PERSONIFIED!!! 

Adam - well, Adam has been especially trying. When is not busy crying (ALL THE TIME), he is lashing out physically.  Today I moaned at him for doing something wrong and he slammed the shower door. I was very cross. He was extremely apologetic about it, but I was CROSS.

However, the last straw came this afternoon when I was on the phone, trying to sort out a work crisis. Adam and Kate had yet another fight and Kate punched Adam on the nose.  His nose started gushing blood. Beautiful.  

I handled it extremely well - I started yelling at them so much that my face went red, saliva sprayed everywhere and my throat was raw.  "YOU UNGRATEFUL, HORRIBLE, SELFISH BRATS, I AM SICK AND TIRED OF YOUR HORRIBLE BEHAVIOUR, THAT IS IT, YOU WILL NOW HAVE PUNISHMENT!!!!"

Punishment!  I don't often haul out 'punishment'.  In fact, I think I have done it only three times ever.  'Punishment' is being sent to your room and no TV for the rest of the night! A fate worse than death. In fact, they will choose a hiding over 'punishment'.

But 'punishment' it was. I was that cross.  They really do behave like ungrateful, selfish, horrible brats sometimes. 

And they know when they have crossed the line with me. They knew I was very cross.  They stayed in their room (together. Yes I know, I should have put them in separate rooms, but even when I am cross, I am still a bit of a wuss) for the rest of the evening. Rose brought them some supper in the room.  A while later I hear the door open and a light thud. And then the door close again.  It was their supper plates that they put outside the door.  Haha!  Like prison.

When Marko got home from work they asked for juice but he said all they were allowed was dry bread and water as they were being punished.  Kate told him that he wasn't allowed to punish her as she was already being punished.  "And anyway Dad, you are not the policeman". Defiant, even while on death row!

I sort of made up when I said goodnight.  I said we were friends again, but that I was still a bit cross with them.  They wanted to know whether the TV ban was forever or whether they could watch tomorrow.  I said it would be lifted tomorrow if they were good.  I am not holding my breath.

Motherhood - not for the faint-hearted.

PS Max not much better.  Temper tantrums starting already.  And yesterday Max bit Kate on the cheek. God, my kids are like dogs.  I obviously suck hugely at this parenting thing. Fuck.

PPS To the Parenting Police: Yes, I am sure I broke 17.5 Basic Parenting Rules in the incident above.  I don't care. Keep it to yourself.  If you think you can do it better, you are welcome to come over to my house and do it for me. You either help out or you shut the fuck up. The End.