So Close

Montessori Schooling – Assvice required!

At the beginning of the year, a friend of mine (no names mentioned – RENEE!!) offered to go to the preparatory school to find out more about putting our kids names on the waiting list for 2010. The particular preparatory school is a very good school and the kids will go there for two years before they start big school.

 

My friend (RENEE!) came back and said that there is no waiting list, we need not worry. Unfortunately my friend (RENEE!) went to the WRONG school. The school we want to get into has a long waiting list which I have only just put the kids name on.

 

I am thinking about breaking up with my friend (RENEE!).

 

I am now busy exploring various options (bribing my way in / offering to buy playground equipment / crying and making a scene in the office) and one of the options that has come up is an alternative school which looks really nice.

 

It is a Montessori school and I know very little about how they operate. I have no idea whether this type of school would suit my kids. Montessori seems quite granola, and I am the least granola person around. We add MSG to our fruit to make it taste better here. Cheese chips are considered a food group and ketchup is the only vegetable serving for the day. Will we fit in? Will a Montessori school suit a sensitive child like Adam and a bossy child like Kate?

 

I would appreciate any insights or opinions on Montessori schooling. Share!

Edited to add - this is the school I am talking about - they seem really nice.

Would we have believed it if they had told us?

I have just read the sweetest thing, I am sitting here with a big smile on my face.  As you might know, I also blog at Parent24.  It is a small but growing blog community and one of the sweet ladies on the list is pregnant with her first child.  She wrote a post yesterday about what she plans to do with her maternity leave:

"Despite what my sisters have told me about having a child and the implications that it will have on my personal time, I envisage my four months of maternity leave as just that - a time to turn over a new leaf.

.....as much as I am looking forward to nurturing my newborn baby, I am also looking forward to the the downtime "in between her naps" where I plan to do the following:

- Complete my degree
- Master the keyboard (I have purchased a self-teach book in preparation)
- Learn how to play guitar
- Start a herb Garden
- Take up art lessons and do some painting
- Tan and start a home gymming program to restore my body to it's former shape
- Paint my toenails and wax biweekly
- Writing ( I will excite my blog fanbase of 2 people, with an exciting new blog daily)
- Start a photography portfolio "

The poor, poor woman.  I am not sure whether to laugh or cry for her. 

I remember when my kids were born, no matter how many books I had read, nothing had prepared me for the total onslaught of newborns.  I turned to all my friends and said "why didn't you tell me it was going to be like this" and they replied, "would you have believed us if we did tell you?"

And I suppose not.  How do you prepare someone for those first few weeks?  How can you adequately describe what it is like?  Four years down the line, and I am only now recovering from it.

I lay in bed last night and allowed myself to think about the possibility that this pregnancy could actually result in a real, live baby and I shuddered to myself as I recalled the first few weeks and months of when Kate and Adam were little. I know it is easier the second time, and certainly one baby has to be easier than two, but still.....shudder. 

How do you even begin to describe what it is like, or do we let the poor dears find out for themselves.  Would they believe us if we told them anyway?

Is this a battle I should pick?

It would appear that the testing of boundaries doesn’t stop at age 3 and ¾ ‘s. I have a sneaking suspicion it doesn’t stop any time soon either.

 

I understand how frustrating it must be to be almost four years old. And I am not the type of parent who likes to ‘break the will of the child’, so it is a fine line I walk between being a pushover and forcibly imposing my will over my child.

 

I do believe in picking my battles and I like to give my children some feeling of control over their own lives. But I also realize I am a softie and sometimes as a parent, you do need to impose your will over the will of your child.

 

So, let me give you an example and you tell me what I should have done.

 

We were about to go to granny’s house and everyone was making a wee before we left. Adam went into the sweet cupboard and came into the bathroom with a roll of sweets. It was four pm and there was no ways he was having any sweets. So I told him no sweets, only after supper time. So he whinged and whined and sulked, but I was resolute. No sweets until after supper. I took the sweets back from him and walked to the kitchen to put them back.

 

I then said “come on everybody, let’s get in the car and go to Mimi’s house”. Come on Adam! ADAM! Hurry up. To which he replies “I can’t, you come here and fetch me.”

 

Come along Adam, don’t be silly, hurry up.

I can’t, you come here.

Adam! Come here!

Come here and hold my hand and walk with me.

 

Now, he is clearly pushing at my buttons because I said he can’t have sweets. I can either MAKE him come to me, or I can give in, walk to the bathroom, hold his hand and let him walk next to me to the car.

 

I walked to the bathroom. I gave in. I did so, and have done so in similar circumstances, for a few reasons. Firstly, I understand he is frustrated with me, and he wants to save face. Secondly, it is a battle I don’t need to pick. The sweets yes, the walking to him, not.

 

But there is a part of me that worries that these pushing at the boundaries will backfire on me one day. As I said before, I am not the type of parent that believes in breaking the will and ruling by fear. I realize that I am the parent and as such I have to discipline, guide and lead my child, but I hope I can do with love and respect, and by allowing the child to feel a little in control of their own world. It is a constant battle I have within myself – do I need to be more strict, or is it ok to parent the way I do.

 

What do you think? Do you think I should have made him come to me? Or is it ok to let them win some of the battles?

 

I’ll do a poll for the shy types.

Eyelash pulling?

Hello darling hearts, I am so terribly sorry I've been MIA.  Been feeling completely revolting, blah blah.  All very tiresome.

While I am busy feeling sorry for myself, please could you put your Mommy Assvice hats on and help a dear reader:

"Over the years of reading your wonderful, completely addictive blog, I'm often struck by how fantastic your readers are, especially when it comes to giving such great advice, and I need some! Would it be at all possible to pose a question to them?"

My (very spirited) little girl, 1 year 10 months, had an eye infection about 3 weeks ago. One morning I gently cleaned her eyelashes using my fingers and I suppose she liked the sensation. Since then she has been pulling on her eyelashes, especially when she is tired or before falling asleep. I took her to the eye dr who said that she can see crusts on her eyelids (not visible without a magnifier) and my daughter is probably trying to get them off. However it seems to me to be a calming behaviour that is turning into a habit. She's not pulling her eyelashes out on purpose (ie it's not trichotillomania), but she pulls so hard at them that they are coming out. I really want to break this habit before it becomes ingrained but I am at a loss. It's usually when she is in bed trying to fall asleep.  What I've found on the internet says to gently distract her, try to get her to do something else, or say "would you like me to clean your eyes with a cloth?". I've tried to give her a stuffed toy or doll to stroke but she chucks it out of the bed. So far none of this seem to be working. Any concrete advice from you or your readers would be really appreciated!

You never stop being a parent

I just spoke to my dad now, he is stressing that my brother bought a motorbike for himself.  My dad is 59 years old and my brother a grown, married man.  I guess you never stop worrying about your kids.  (Luckily *I* never give my parents any grey hairs; me being the angelic, well behaved sibling!)

Speaking about parenting, I am VERY excited to announce that I am going to be blogging over at the brand, spanking new Parent24 portal.  If you are a parent and you aren't yet blogging, get your worrying ass over to Parent24 blogs and start one up.  It's easy, safe, cosy and hugely fun!  Check out my Parent24 blog here.

Was it as good for you as it was for me?

Apparently, as humans we are programmed to respond to a baby’s cry. The sound of a baby crying invokes a physical reaction within ourselves, to varying degrees between individuals. It makes you feel physically uncomfortable, it can make you (usually the mother of the crying baby) feel anxious, hyper alert, distressed. There are very few people who find the sound of a crying baby melodic and relaxing. This is all part of our biological makeup as human babies are dependant on adults for their survival and the only way a baby knows how to communicate is by crying. So nature has literally designed us in a way that we are forced to take care of our young.

 

When my kids were little, I had that part of my primal self turned on super high alert. Part due to post natal depression, part due to post traumatic stress after IF and the loss of Ben, and part due to the fact that I am an anxious person anyway, my receptors were turned on Super High. It was not a nice time. Every time my children cried, I had an extreme physical reaction, it actually felt physically painful inside. It felt like some had rushed in and grabbed in my heart in a vice and turned it hard. Very tough. 

 

But as time has gone by, that extreme reaction has lessoned. I suppose as the kids become more verbal, I feel confident that I don’t need to overreact. I know now that they can tell me if they are cold, hot, sore, sick etc. Plus now they are old enough to be full of shit, so some of that crying is FAKE! Sneaky little shits.

 

But it is amazing how that instinct, that deep inside stuff remains. I see it at night. I will be asleep, snoring with mouth hanging open beautifully a slumber thanks to my glass of Chardonnay and half a sleeping pill, and my kids just go ‘ah’ in the night and my eyes snap open, my breathing stops and my heart beats faster. I lie there, in a state of absolute readiness, waiting to hear if the ‘ah’ is followed up by a serious cry or not. If it was just a brief bad dream, or talking in their sleep, I go back to sleep, but if it something more serious, I get up. Even in my sleep, I have that instinct turned on.

 

Marko- not so much.

 

On Friday night, someone (MARKO!!!) forgot to put Adam’s nappy on, so he woke up in the middle of the night crying because he was sopping wet. I got up, stripped the linen, put on clean sheets, undressed him, put on new PJ’s, a nappy, gave him a kiss and a hug and went back to sleep. I got up later for a bad dream (Kate). 

 

On Saturday night, Kate woke up crying because she had a sore tummy. I got up, took her to the loo to make a poo, gave her some medicine, lay with her for half an hour and went back to sleep. I think I woke up later for a bad dream as well. Last night was a disaster as Adam woke up coughing, Kate had a bad dream and one other incident that I can’t even remember.

 

Marko wakes up in the morning and says “how was the night?” (Meaning, how did you sleep, how were the kids?) This despite the fact that the man sleeps 20 cm away from me (where oh where is my king size bed), in a room only a few meters away from his children’s room. Clearly that instinct thing is not as switched on for him as it is for me.

 

How was the night? Clearly not as good for me as it was for you, my darling.

 

Men – annoying little fuckers. Can’t live with them, can’t kill them either.

And the moral of the story is…

I was chatting to Sister Mel the other day and we were talking about how we are teaching our children about values and our approach to life. My sister says that she looks for opportunities to teach her children about compassion, about tenacity and not giving up. She said that her motto is “if you start something, you finish it”. I told her that I tell my children that they don’t have to do anything they don’t want to do. “If it feels horrible inside, you don’t have to do it”. Which just goes to show that you can raise your children the same, but there is no telling how they might turn out.

Seriously though, I am trying to teach my children about caring and compassion towards their fellow humans and also reaching out and helping those less fortunate than ourselves. Not just in our words but in our actions as well. This morning we gave loads and loads of our toys and stuff to a safe house for abandoned children. If there is one thing my siblings and I have all learnt from my parents, it is that we have a duty to give to those less fortunate than ourselves. My parents have always had great compassion for others. Sister Mel runs her charity and my other two siblings are also always helping others.

My children are so enormously privileged, and not only because they have an incredibly good looking and extremely witty mother, but because they have so much in comparison to so many. Using the opportunity of the daily drive to and from school, I have been trying to teach them that there are people who are less fortunate than they are. I am introducing them to the concept of poor and unprivileged. They are getting it, slowly.

Me: “See, that poor man is walking in the rain, he has no car”.

Adam: “And he doesn’t even have an umbrella”

Me: “yes”

Adam: “Why doesn’t he have an umbrella?”

Me: “Because he has no money to buy an umbrella”

Adam: “Why doesn’t he have any money?”

Me: “Because he doesn’t have a job”

Adam: “Why doesn’t he have any job?”

Me: “Because of an evil system called apartheid that subjected many people to terrible conditions of forced separation and poverty, the results of which can be seen by the massive amounts of poverty and unemployment that are keeping the poor downtrodden even today”

Ok, not the last part.

But I think I’ve been trying too hard at the Life Lessons, because they are taking this poor thing a bit too far.

Adam: “Look at that poor man, he doesn’t have an umbrella”

Kate: “Yes, and some people don’t even have legs or arms”

Adam: “Or a nose”

Kate: “Or a face”

Another thing we’ve been discussing is family, and how different families are made up. Some people have a mommy, a daddy, a boy and a girl. Some people have two mommies, some have no mommies etc etc.

Now, I live in a predominantly wealthy, white area. In South Africa, those two things – white and wealthy – go together more often than not. The hangover of apartheid. There are black people who live in the predominantly white and wealthy areas, but they are wealthy. There aren’t too many wealthy black areas. It is changing, but it would be dishonest to say that it isn’t so.

We are at a coffee shop / park the other day and there were a whole lot of (>90% white) families there. Kids playing, parents drinking coffee etc and there was one black guy standing there, watching while his daughter played on the climbing frame.

Adam in his booming voice pipes up: “OH DEAR, SEE – LOOK AT THAT POOR GIRL OVER THERE”

(Now, remember the “Black Work” post from last week? Remember I told you that we are a little sensitive to the race thing?)

Well, I nearly shat in my pants. I have obviously been over-zealous in my Life’s Lessons and now he thinks all black people are poor. Instant sweaty armpits.

I laugh with false cheer and whisper “no Adam, she is not poor, she is fine” Haha, nervous laugh. Grabbing his arm and trying to steer him away from the situation

He booms back “BUT SHE HAS GOT NO BROTHER”

Gawds truth, this child is going to be the death of me. I had to explain that yes, some people have no brother, but that is ok. They don’t even mind and it doesn’t make them poor. (Some sisters would even argue they are LUCKY to have no brother to irritate them!)

Phew. This parenting thing is damn hard work. I am thinking “You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to” is a damn site easier than this other life lesson stuff.

(Now, don't get your granny knickers in a knot! I know this sounds like I am too sensitive to race issues and that blah blah I am going to teach my children to be over sensitive to race etc etc, but it just so happened that the two incidents happened a few days apart. Relax! I am actually very chilled about race issues.  Some of my best friends are white.)

Drinking in front of your children

Funny that, it was only after your comments yesterday that I realized that for some people consuming alcohol in front of children could be problematic. Hadn’t ever thought of it that way. I had a moment where I thought “omg, perhaps it is wrong” but then I realized that I was perfectly ok with drinking wine in front of the kids.

As I was explaining to Sister Mel this morning, to my kids, wine is like chilli – something that mommies like, but that tastes yuck to kids. I’ve let them have a sip of my wine before, to taste it, and they thought it was absolutely revolting. Wine is like the sweet chilli sauce I put on my sandwiches, like the peppadews I eat in my salads and like the olives I snack on out of the jar – mommy likes it, but tastes very yuck to children. It is such a non-issue in our house.

My parents never really drank when I was growing up. My dad still doesn’t drink, but my mom is now as fond of wine as I am. I have never seen my parents drunk, and I intend that my children never see me drunk either. I think being fall down drunk is quite revolting actually. Yuck. Tipsy  =  fine. Fall down drunk = not so fine.

There is a difference between enjoying wine as a way of life and being a drunk, and like everything else, moderation is key. Too much of anything is not good, whether that is eating, drinking, smoking or whatever. But just because something has the potential to be abused, doesn’t mean we should hide it away from our children. There are many people who abuse food, but you wouldn’t think of not serving food at a party.

It is very far ahead, and it will probably be one of those “when I have a baby / child / teenager, I will never rock him to sleep / buy sweets just to shut him up / XYZ”, but I would like to think I will have an honest, open relationship with my kids where I say things like “I can’t forbid from doing something ‘just because’, but I would really like you not to, here is why….”  But then again, what do I know. If this parenting thing has taught me anything, it is that you can never say never.  We just take one glass of wine step at a time, and hope we aren’t fucking it up too badly.

PS Do you know, my kids have never seen anyone smoke a cigarette!! Isn’t that amazing. No one in my circle of friends, neighbours, family etc smokes. How weird is that. Quite cool actually. Probably makes up for the fact that their mother and grandmother are permanently on the sauce.

What’s the worst that can happen?

I want to know whether, if you are a mother, you feel this too. Because either I am an asshole beyond compare, or I am just normal. 

I hate it when my kids are sick. HATE it. I react so badly. It makes me so anxious, it is all I can think about. I find it impossible to concentrate on anything else. I have that terrified feeling inside. It feels like my heart and lungs are in a vice, plus I have that horrible adrenalin rush feeling inside. I know most mothers don’t like it when their kids are sick, but my reaction seems extreme. 

I keep giving myself stern talking-tos, but it is not helping.

Previously, when I was seeing another therapist, we spoke about this terrible fear I have inside sometimes, especially where my children are concerned. At the time we were speaking about sending them off to school for the first time, and how anxious I was about it. She asked me to ask myself ‘what is the worst that can happen’, to try and put things in perspective. It is actually a useful thing to do when you are really nervous. Like when you have to do a presentation in front of a hundred people, or you have a job interview. What’s the worst that can happen? Put things into perspective and makes you feel less fearful.

Except it doesn’t really work when your kids are sick. 

What is the worst that can happen? Well, they could die. That would be pretty bad.

They have the flu, they are unlikely to die from the flu. 

Yes, but that is the worst that can happen, right! THEY COULD DIE. 

Is this anxious, fearful feeling normal? I am not sure whether I really fear that they could die. I don’t think I do. I mean, I know logically that they are unlikely to DIE when they are sick (unlike when Kate had her operation and I spent the entire time almost vomiting with fear). So if I don’t really think they are going to die, why do I feel so anxious and out of sorts? Is it an instinct / mother thing? Are we programmed to get upset if our offspring are not well? Or I am extra fearful because the worst has already happened to a child of mine?  Or is this just fearful / anxious / paranoid / highly strung normal Tertia behaviour?

All I know, is that I absolutely hate it when my kids are sick. And we have had four long weeks of sick kids.  So for four weeks I have lived with my heart in my mouth. It’s exhausting.

(The latest victim is Adam with a fever last night of 104/41. Nice. Took them both to the Paed today. He suspects flu. I feel like we are under siege here!)

PS  This has been a VERY expensive week.  I had to have my car repaired (R3000), Shelly spayed (R2000) and with all the medicine I've had to buy for the kids (>R1000), I am now officially BROKE.

Should children be seen and not heard in public?

This is one of those times I ask a question with a slight cringe, anticipating that I might not get the answer I like. But I do want to know your opinion. I might not change my behaviour, but I would still like to know.

Do you think that children should be seen and not heard in public? And when you give me your answer, I would be interested to know whether you have small children, grown children or no children. I am interested to hear how that does (or doesn’t) influence your opinion.

My children are quite loud. Especially the boy child. When he talks, he talks at full volume. It doesn’t worry me at all, but Marko is forever saying “shh, stop making so much noise” when we are out. Marko was brought up very much in the ‘seen and not heard’ way. 

I’ll give you some examples: yesterday I was with the kids at Baby City (a store selling baby goods, not babies, unfortunately. Would be so much more convenient). Anyway, Adam was on the one side of the shop (like an open warehouse kind of place) looking at toys and I was at the other side looking at sippy bottles. So he asks me (in his booming voice) “Mom, can we buy this toy?” and I answer “No” across the room. He says “why not” and I tell him “because it is too expensive”. We are having a conversation across the store. Not shouting, but clearly not whispering.  

I often walk around the shop with both of them in the shopping cart, having long and obviously louder-than-whisper conversations. Again, not shouting or screaming but we sing, and talk and dance and laugh in the shop. I couldn’t care less what other people think. We always have fun when we go out and everything is an adventure. Even going to buy groceries.

Another example: We were having breakfast at a café. It is one of many in a big open air courtyard type thing. Tables outside and a little fountain nearby. The kids normally play around near the fountain and parents and other big people sit at the tables having breakfast. My kids laugh and talk loudly to each other, playing around. NOT screaming and not running around causing havoc, but also not sitting quietly reading a book. I think it is perfectly fine and Marko thinks that they should be quiet. He says that other people don’t want to have to hear them, my point is that it is an open air, casual place and if the other people want peace and quiet, they should go to a grown up place.  I would never take my kids to a grown up restaurant, because when I want a grown up meal, I don’t want kids running around disturbing my meal. But if I go to a casual café, I should expect it will be noisy. I actually don’t like going out to eat with Marko and the kids because he gets so uptight. I am always so stressed that he is going to get stressed if the kids talk loudly etc. Pain! (BTW, I know I have been moaning about him a lot lately, but I do actually love him, very much. Especially at the moment, seeing as he is away on business hehehe!)

I know I am a bit of a soft (ill disciplined?) parent, but my feeling is children are children only once. They are not army interns to be broken down and forced into military like obedience. I do not think they are entitled to run wild and be brats, but if they want to laugh and talk loud, why not. They are children.

I know that some people don’t approve because I do get disapproving looks sometimes. Often from the older generation. But I also get lots of smiles, so I know it doesn’t piss everyone off.

What do you think? So you tell your children to talk softly, sit still and behave or do you let your children laugh and talk freely? Should children be free to be childlike, or should they be seen and not heard when in public?

PS Re Adam's binki / paci / dummy in the last pic – Kate still has one too. Both my kids still have dummies.  They are only supposed to have it for sleeping and in the car.  I said when they were two, I would take it away. That changed to three. It is now four. They might keep them forever.  Told you I am a soft, ill disciplined mother. My children will clearly grow up to be (loud) axe murderers.