So Close

Two daddies - there is no confusion!

When I first started the egg donor and surrogacy program here in South Africa, I would get enquiries from gay couples and singles from overseas. Many of them would start their email with "I am not sure whether you deal with gay couples...." and the first few times I was all like "huh? What do you mean?"  Of course I deal with gay couples, why wouldn't I? And then I realized how often gay couples were discriminated against.  And what a tough time they had accessing the things we take for granted. 

(We are very, very lucky that in South Africa we have a constitution protects the rights of ALL people - regardless of their race, religion, sexual orientation etc etc. Gay people are allowed to marry, adopt, have kids etc. I guess coming from a history of atrocious human rights abuse, we make damn sure here in South Africa that it never happens again*.)

OF COURSE we deal with gay couples!  We LOVE our gay couples so much! They allow us to be cyber aunties to lots and lots of gorgeous babies all over the world.  I keep threatening to knit pastel coloured booties and send them to all the gorgeous babes. 

Within the egg donor world, there are two groups of people - those who chose to disclose to their child that they were conceived through donor egg and those who choose not to disclose. Those who choose not to disclose do so for various reasons (religious reasons, fear of the extended family's rejection of the child, their own personal reasons etc etc).  While I am firmly in the 'telling' camp (the experts say 'tell early and tell often'), I respect that each family has their own story. And it is theirs to tell.

This baby making stuff is so personal, and I become so emotionally invested in each person's story - it is impossible for me to see this as just a 'job' or just a business. I have become really good friends with many of my recipients.  I love them and I love their gorgeous babies.  However, I realize that for some people, I am a reminder of something they would prefer not to think about - the donor egg bit.  Which means that some of the people prefer not to hear from me after they get pregnant. In fact, some people pretend they dont know me at all afterwards, just in case someone works out that if I know them, there might be a connection to a donor egg.  I understand. It does feel a little ouch sometimes but that is MINOR - my feelings in this dont matter, it is all about the child and his or her family.

Having said that, it is soooooooooo divine for me when the recipients stay in touch with me after the baby is born and because my gay couples / singles are in the 'telling' camp (for obvious reasons), I get to be BFFs with them and keep up to date with their gorgeous babies. And oh my word! What beautiful babies my gay couples make!! GORGEOUS!  I love how committed to parenting my gay parents are (as are my straight couples!) - these are babies that are most definitely wanted! And adored! And loved! And well raised!

I was at a family event recently and my mom said to me "tell Aunty so and so cousin's sister what you do, it is so interesting".  So I started talking about my work and surrogacy and cases where both a surrogate and an egg donor is used, as if for example when it is a same sex couple and ...

"Oh, those poor children" says so and so's cousin's sister.

Me: Why?

So and So:  Well, they must be so confused...

Me: Why would they be confused?

S&S: Because, you know, there are two fathers...

Me: What is so confusing about that? They have two fathers. One of them is not going to dress up as a woman and pretend to be the mother. They have two fathers, no confusion.

S&S:  But you know, two men together....

Me:  The child is going to have two loving parents. Two daddies.  Who are not going to have sex in front of the children any more than a hetro couple will have sex in front of the children - WHERE IS THE CONFUSION???

I know there are people out there who do not approve. Frankly, I don't give a shit.  There is no 'argument' against gay parenting that comes even close to intelligent debate.  Every argument against it comes from a judgemental, prejudiced point of view and I don't do prejudice. You can't use rational debate when you are dealing with the irrational. You are entitled to your views, you are not entitled to impose your beliefs and prejudices on other consenting adult's free choice.  No one expects you be a gay parent, marry a gay person or be gay. You carry on being straight and they will carry on being gay - where is the confusion here people? 

*end rant*

In my egg donor progam, I am PROUD to say that we deal with gay couples, single parents, single gay parents, hell.... we even deal with STRAIGHT, MARRIED COUPLES!! I know! Hard to believe!  WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO!!

Now let me introduce you to my one of my dearest cyber families  - T&A with their FOUR children!!!  Yes my friends, they have four kids under 7 months! Let me not ever hear you are busy with your brood - four kids under 7 months! Now THAT is busy.  Same egg donor so they are biologically related to each other - T is the bio dad of the twin boys and A is the bio dad of the twin girls.  Each dad is the adoptive parent of the bio dad's twins.  Aren't they gorgeous!  (And the babies aren't bad either) <-forget to mention that T&A live in the USA

 I would love to share more pics of my other cyber kids but I haven't had a chance to ask the daddies permission, but if you are my FB friend, you will have seen the many babies I comment on or share.  

You are welcome to share your opinion on this, however I will NOT tolerate ANY negative comments directed towards T&A, their families or the families of any of my gay parents.  You can speak about the topic in general terms, you may not be personal. Personal attacks will be deleted.

*It is my feeling that in a few years time we are going to look back at this time, as we did when looking back at slavery, at apartheid etc and say "I can't believe we ever allowed that to happen" - 'that' being the discrimination against gay people as we have it today.

A final punt for future daddies (and mommies) - these couples and singles would not be able to experience parenting without the generosity of egg donors and / or surrogate mothers - if you can, please help them out www.nurture.co.za

PS Today we spoke about circumcision in the car on the way to school. More blog fodder! 

Mommy makes babies

My kids go to a private school.  This was not initially out of choice, but instead because the school I wanted to send them to was full (bastards rejected my darling children). I wasn't that keen on the private school for three reasons: 1. We didn't know anyone there (silly reason really, the kids made friends so quickly and they LOVE it there now), 2. It is expensive (but I can afford it, at least for now) and 3. It is further away than the other school.  Instead of a five minute drive, it is a 15-20 minute drive.  Nothing compared to some commutes of course, but a lot more than five minutes.  However, instead it being a pain, I actually look forward to the drive.  It is an opportunity to chat the kids - something that we don't do often enough. 

On Monday, I told them that I had a work meeting that afternoon so they would need to stay home with Rose for a bit. Adam asked me what work I did. My response was the same one we have had since they were old enough to know a little about this thing called 'work': I work on the computer.  But then Adam asked, "but what do you actually do?"

YAY!!!  I love talking about my work!!

"Well", I said, metaphorically rolling up my sleeves, "Mommy helps people to have babies". 

What an absolutely amazing, divine, cool, fantastic, awesome, special job I have! I help people have babies!! Damn, I am lucky.

I explained some more:  "Remember Mommy told you that to make a baby, you need a seed and an egg? (And a few hundred thousand bucks if neither of the buggers work) Well some people's eggs don't work so well, so Mommy finds kind ladies called egg donors who give some of their eggs to the people whose eggs don't work.  Then the doctor takes those eggs, mixes them with the seed and then the people can have a baby!"

We then had a great conversation about where the eggs are kept in one's body (pointing to my lower tummy area), whether I had eggs inside my tummy (yes), whether it meant I would have another baby (NO!!!) and whether Kate had eggs. 

Yes, I said - you do have eggs, but they are not yet ripe. One day when you are bigger and your eggs are ready, you can have a baby.

NOOOOO! says Kate, she doesn't want a baby because she doesn't want someone to make a cut in her tummy, it will be too sore.  Well, I replied - some people actually push the baby out their fannies you know (vag = fanny), you dont have to have a cut in your tummy. 

NO WAY!! I AM NOT PUSHING A BABY OUT OF MY FANNY!!!

That's ok dear, my feeling was exactly the same as yours.

Just then, I thought the time was right to chat about some of the different versions of family that exist today. 

"Do you know, some children don't have a mommy and a daddy, they have just a mommy.  Or some children even have two daddies!"

Hmm, they said, nodding their heads seriously, how cool!

And then we spoke about what the children would call the two daddies.

Well, they could call the one dad and the other one daddy.

Kate: Or dad and dada

Me: Yes

Adam: Or daddy and pops

Me: Yes

Kate: Or papa

Me: Yes

Adam: Or popa

Me: Hmm, maybe but I don.....

Adam: Or how about Popeye!

Me: No, probably not Adam.

Its amazing how children so easily accept what some grown ups seem to have such a hard time dealing with.  

And now I have to go.  But tomorrow I am going to tell you about why I am a HUGE supporter of gay parents and a bit about how I am cyber aunty to many gorgeous babies all over the world. Tomorrow we are going to talk about Papa and Popeye and their right to have children.

PS if you have ever thought about donating your eggs, please (PLEASE!) give it some serious thought - you would make an enormous difference in someone's life.  Read about the egg donor program here: (www.nurture.co.za) 

Reason #236497 why I love my job

Many of my Nurture customers are same-sex couples (men) who obviously need both an egg donor and a surrogate in order to have a child. I am Aunty-by-proxy (actually by forcing myself into the role!! LOVE those babies!! All the daddies and the babies feel like part of my extended family) to lots of gorgeous babies born through Nurture. This morning I got a text message from one of my Nurture daddies:

We will never forget the wonderful role you played in helping us celebrate our very first Father's Day!  U will always hold a very special place in our lives!

I LOVE MY JOB!!! I am so flipping lucky.

Never again

I am passionate about what I do, and I commit my heart and soul to it.  It takes up a huge amount of my energy, but I love doing it.  Every single person I help, every person I engage with is special to me. And most of the time, 99% of the time, it is worth everything I put into it.  But sometimes, very occasionally, it sucks the life right out of me.

I've had a revolting week, absolutely revolting.  It is a story too long, depressing and political to go into but suffice it to say that it is a week I wouldn't want to repeat.  It took all of my energy, emotions, time and sanity to sort out.  But sort it out, I eventually did.

However, looking back I have realized that there is such a thing as 'too much'.  You can give too much, you can care too much.  And you can sacrifice too much to appease others.

Looking back, I have decided that never again will I let this take so much of my soul

Looking back, I have decided that never again will I let this take so much from my family

Looking back, I have decided that never again will I allow this to make me doubt myself

And looking down, I have decided that never again will I go so long between pedicures. 

There is only so much I can sacrifice; cracked heels and chipped nail polish must never, ever happen again. 

My trip away

So, let you tell you about my trip away. In a word, it was fantastic!  It was so good for me, on so many levels.  I've come back feeling unbelievably inspired, driven and motivated. 

It was very good on a personal level - I feel VERY proud of myself for going. If you know me at all, you will know what a big thing it was for me to leave my kids, my husband, my home and my country. In fact, Sister Mel said that she was more proud of me going away than she was of me writing a book, doing an MBA or starting a business.  And my mother and father told me that they were very worried about me going, but were so pleased to hear that I not only went but enjoyed myself. That tells you what a big thing it was for me to go. (one day, if I have time, I might tell you about why and how this is so)

I went because I had to - we run an egg donor program in India in association with various Indian surrogacy agencies*, and my partner had been three time already this year.  So it was my turn to go. And I had such a great time there that I want to go again!

Mumbai isn't the best destination in the world - it is extremely busy, hot, sweaty and DIRTY, but the people are amazing.  They are so friendly and exceptionally hardworking.  I met the most amazing, skilled doctors there.  Business wise, it was a great trip as well.

The flight there and back wasn't so much fun.  There wasn't so bad, but back was a 'mare.  The flight out of Mumbai was delayed by 3 hours and Mumbai airport isn't exactly what one would refer to has a first class international shoppers paradise.  Because we were delayed, we missed our connecting flight to Cape Town.  Oh, and then they lost our luggage en route.  And one of the girls had their luggage broken into. Fun.

But those are minor details - the trip was GREAT.  Well, for me it was. For Marko, not so much.  We Skyped every night (I had a webcam in India) and the first few nights he was skippy and full of the joys of Spring.  By the last night, he sounded like he had done 10 rounds with the Heavyweight Champion of the World. I asked him what was wrong and he said "I am exhausted, it is not easy working AND looking after the kids!"

YOU THINK??

Seriously though, he was a star. Everyone was. I had a whole team of people running my home and family in my absence - Rose was with Max, Tarryne (the teaching assistant) looked after Adam and Kate in the afternoons and Marko did the evenings.  It obviously helped hugely with my peace of mind knowing that everything was under control at home.

Oh, except for this one incident: I arrived in Mumbai on Friday morning at 01:00am. Got to the hotel at 2am, did some work (took a call!) until 3am.  Woke up at 8am.  Needless to say I was a little tired by Friday afternoon.

On Friday afternoon I get a text (MMS) message from Marko with the subject as "Max at the doctor".  Nothing else.  So obviously my heart starts to race and I worry. So text back "what is going on? Is Max ok?"  No reply.  I send another text saying "let me know, I am worried".  No reply. So I call Marko on his work cell - no answer. I call him on his personal cell. No answer.  By this time I am hysterical, imaging the worst.  I call Rose on her cell - no answer. FUUUUCCKKKK!!  I freak out, imagining scenes of Max at hospital, Marko and Rose fighting for his life etc.  I eventually get a text message saying "all ok, he is just teething and has a snotty nose". Well, I lost my cool. I went OFF at Marko telling him if he ever did that again blah blah. He shouts at me, telling me that I always overreact and think of the worst and how can I shout at him blah blah.  Of course I was due for a meeting five minutes later, so you can imagine how I looked and felt.

When I had calmed down and Marko and I spoke that night, I realized what had happened - Marko had sent an MMS (picture message) of Max smiling with the caption "Max at the doctor", basically saying that Max was at the doctor but he clearly wasn't sick as he was smiling and ok. I didn't get the picture as I didn't have data roaming enabled.  Sigh. I think I aged about a 100 years that afternoon.

But besides that little incident, I had a fantastic time.  This little trip has done me the world of good!

(I want to go again in March but Marko nearly had a heart attack when I told him that.  I think I might need to give him a few weeks to get over the shock of having to work AND look after the children ;-) )

*If you would like to know more about our India egg donor / surrogacy program, you are welcome to email me - my details on the Nurture website www.nurture.co.z.