Trevor Noah is making me anxious.

Those who know me, know that I am quite odd.  I used to mind being odd, but now I embrace my oddness so much that I actually hide my non-odd parts of me in case people start thinking of me as normal. I like being odd.

My oddness takes many forms and probably has a few root causes.  One could be mistaken for thinking most of my oddness comes from being a Highly Sensitive Person (read more about HSP here: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Highly_sensitive_person) because I outwardly display a few of the signs of being a HSP, but I don't think that is the main cause.  I think my oddness comes from having some sensory integration issues, combined with my Generalized Anxiety Disorder (read more about GAD here: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Generalized_anxiety_disorder).  Plus if we are really digging deep here, probably a smattering of being on the spectrum too.  The GAD is managed through medication and therapy, and SPD and ASD through wisdom and experience in managing my world.

Most of the time, I function not just very well, but I would argue better than some more 'typical' people. My oddness gives me energy and drive and the ability to live at 1000 kms an hour. (Which is both a good and a bad thing I suppose. anyway, I get shit done.)

However, one of the things I struggle with is blocking out the emotions of others.  My therapist says I am an emotional sponge. I take on the emotions of everyone around me.  I worry that you are worrying. Which is why I never share my deepest fears and problems with anyone because then I will worry that they are worrying about me.  Which will make me very worried.

Things that put my worrying into overdrive are my children.  I feel their worry (real and imagined) acutely.  I try to manage that because I don't want to burden them with it.  I also worry about other children. Any child. So much so, that I cannot listen to any child abuse stories. I turn the radio off if the stories come on the news.  Because the worry about the children's fear and pain makes my head want to explode and my heart feel like it is going to beat out of my chest.  My friends know not to tell me stories about children in pain because I cannot turn that noise off in my head. Children and their vulnerability are the ultimate worry.

I also cannot listen / watch any prank stuff.  I feel the victim's embarrassment a million times over.  I HATE those prank things. 

And then sometimes I worry about totally random things. Things that are so unimportant and arbitrary and not-central to my life that it makes no sense at all. Not that there is usually any sense in worrying anyway.

I worried terribly about the weather in the FIFA world cup in South Africa in 2010.  Really.  Every time the weather was cold or it rained, I felt so bad / worried / guilty / anxious / sad for the people who had come all the way to South Africa to view the World Cup.  They have come all this way and now it is raining which means they will be disappointed or cold or wet and they might not have a good time.  I felt anxious about the discomfort of 1000s of strangers who I had no connection to other than they were in my home country. I didn't even go to any of the games so the weather didn't affect me!  And yet I worried and felt anxious.  HOW RIDICULOUS IS THAT!!  I would reprimand myself several times a day. Stop it Tertia! Do you realize how ridiculous your worry is!  Stop it!!!  And then a few minutes later I would have that butterfly-in-the-tummy / roller-coaster feeling.  For a split second I would stop and think "where is that coming from?" - do a little fight/flight check - and then I would realize it was worry about the weather for the World Cup visitors. It was exhausting. I was glad when it was over. 

And now I have a new thing to worry about. Trevor Noah. OMF!  WHY!!  Why have I picked Trevor Noah to worry about! I have never met the man, I have never been to one of his shows. I don't know anyone who knows him. The ONLY thing in common we have, is that we are both South African. And yet, I worry. I was worried about his debut. What if people hated him? What if people said bad things about him?  What if he read the bad things people said about him and felt sad and disappointed and worried.  I was so relieved when I woke up the next day and saw so many positive reviews.  

Unfortunately those positive reviews were shared by fellow South Africans (who seem similarly invested / proud). The only people awake at that time.  When the Americans woke up later, some of the negative reviews came through, and I started to worry all over again.

I mean, REALLY!! How effing mental am I!  I am stressing about Trevor Bloody Noah! A total stranger.  The first time I ever heard of The Daily Show was when it was announced a South African was taking over.  That is how random and unimportant this is to my life.  I have to stop this nonsense. I am going to force myself not to care. I am sure Trevor Noah doesn't care if everyone likes him.  He probably doesn't give a shit what people say about him (please let that be true!) so I am not going to either.  I am going to stop wasting my worry quota on someone or something that quite obviously doesn't need it.

So from this point forward, I don't care what anyone thinks about Trevor Noah. You can like him or dislike him as much as you want and I am not going to worry about it at all. (typed that last full stop REALLY HARD)

(Just please don't post that you don't like Trevor Noah because what if he reads it and his feelings get hurt and then feels sad and unloved in a foreign country so far from home with no friends or family). 

 

Comments

[Wobs]

I felt anxious for him too but I'm sure that salary (paid in dollars) will help ease his discomfort (hee, hee)

[Missie]

Poor Trevor Noah has some pretty big shoes to fill, so it will probably take some time for him to find his own voice and stamp on The Daily Show. That being said, I think he's done a fine job his past two nights and look forward to seeing where he goes with things. It doesn't hurt that he's not hard on the eyes either. So don't worry- you're boy has at least one American rooting for him.

[SheBee]

HAHAHAHAAAAA. You are very, very odd. But you're not alone - I was up at 2am googling reviews of his debut and at 4am when the baby woke Jon up through the monitor I proceeded to tell him that it was ok, shew, the Americans seemed to like Trevor and that he should be fine after all. And then I saw someone tweet that Trevor Noah was a terrible host and they TAGGED HIM IN THE TWEET! HOW RUDE! I was very worried for his feelings. Even though he put on a very strange American twang here and there, which I didn't think was necessary.

I'm also an emotional sponge. During pregnancy Jon banned my family from telling me any drama whatsoever because I would just sit in a lump and cry for them, not provide any solutions or support or anything like that, I was useless, I'd just cry. For days.

Anyway. My oddness recognizes yours and says whattup.

[Caroline]

Having a lot of intense emotions is a good thing, if only most people had high empathy- the world would be a much nicer place. Seems to me that psychopaths can make non-human decisions which get them promoted until they have high office.
Being highly sensitive myself, and unfortunately infertile (numerous treatments for years that failed to produce a pregnancy, let alone a 'live birth') have made me very self-protective. I focus on worrying about me and 'suiting myself' by writing play, poetry - anything! I gave up work and hanging around with other moms because I just cannot function well when the subject of kids/siblings/'how annoying my kids are yet I love them with all my heart' comes up which is like every 3 minutes with other women of a certain age.
I think you can make a conscious choice to disengage with areas of discomfort (worrying about strangers and others kids in your case) because you ultimately have to protect yourself. How can you put on your child's oxygen mask if you haven't put yours on first? I also wonder if your meds are being interfered with by your Chardonnay consumption?! I stopped drinking beer and redwine because it got int he way of my mood altering medication. I take anti-depressants because I couldn't have the family I wanted and Im not OK with that and I know deep down I will always be unhappy because I wasn't fucking 'blessed' with 2/3 children.
Therapy is amazing for helping you focus on what's important Tertia- like your own family and work, and techniques for stopping anxious thoughts and allowing yourself to be upset/angry/honest over real issues that affect you.
Take it easy!
Not that you can....!

[BiancaW]

I hear you loud and clear. I have also been stressing about him!!! I cannot fathom why ANYONE would want to do this to themselves. Move to another country and take on a massive position like that - all so in the limelight! It makes me shake with anxiety!!

I hear you on the world cup thing, except for me it's the losing teams. I always feel SO bad for the losing team/person in sport. Shame man - they have played their heart out and they have been pipped at the post. It actually takes the joy of winning away from me!

Sheesh! It sucks to be us!

[Meriel]

oh for pete sake. now I am worrying about him - in fact I am going to double worry so he does not lose out on your share.

[Ellery]

I watched the Daily Show with Jon Stewart and as someone else said, Trevor Noah has big shoes to fill. That said, he is doing a great job and time will truly tell how he will do long-term. People who have already given him poor reviews need to give him time to settle in and they need to pull the stick out of their bum. Also, except for the accent, I don't see him as much different than any other host on TV.

[G&D K]

Ha ha ha Tertia Loebenberg- I love you and your oddness!! Friends like you make life so full of rainbow colours x

[Chickenpig]

Your worries sound very much like my son Nathan who has ASD. People seem to think that if you are autistic that you don't have empathy, but I have found that when it comes to my son the exact opposite is true. He worries and is anxious so much for other people and sometimes even inanimate objects. He used to run from the room while watching his favorite show (The Wonder Pets) because the last leaf fell off of a tree and he was afraid it was going to die. Not just a tree, but a CARTOON tree, in an episode where he knew that the tree turned out ok in the end. So I totally get you worrying about Trevor Noah. :) I, for one, absolutely adore your oddness and your total honesty in sharing it with us.

[Lindi Mogale]

I know exactly what you feel, world cup was the same for me, I worried until Bafana was out of the world cup, I stressed so hard about the Boks first game last week or so I got a headache, and mind you, I am not sports fan. Trevor Noah will be the death of me, I tell you, for exactly the same reason. I can't promise that I will only focus on myself, tried that didnt work, so maybe I need to see a therapist, cause the one thing all of this anxiety is not making me do is be a thinner trimmer version of myself, cause that would have been a nice bonus.

[Jan]

Well, Chickenpig had already answered the question I was going to ask about autism and lack of empathy!

Thank you for your honesty and willingness to share so that we can better understand you!

[juliag]

OMG. I am in a real trench of worrying about other people's potentially hurt feelings...and what horrible things may result from those feelings. I feel like I can't talk to anyone without looking back on the conversation and wondering if I may have said something that hurt them. Ugh. I hate it. Is there a name for this? A fix? It's making me not want to engage with people :(

[Sara]

I can relate to a lot of this, especially about pranks. I absolutely cannot bear seeing or hearing of someone deriving pleasure from making someone else look foolish. I have always wondered whether something was wrong with me (because I don't think it's funny at all) or with everyone else (seriously, how can people think that is funny?).

I am a white American woman and also fret about Trevor Noah. We have absolutely no point of connection, but I worry about him. Weird.