So Close

So how long do you and Dad do it for?

“Mom, what is rape*?”  asks Adam in the car on Saturday afternoon. It was just Kate, Adam and myself on the way back from the Root44 market.  A question that sparked off the most wonderful conversation between the three of us.  The timing was perfect.  The two of them were sitting in the back, me in the drivers seat, staring straight ahead and trying my best not to let the grin creep into my voice. Not at the rape question of course, but at the conversation that followed after my explanation.

I explained to them that rape was when one person wanted to have sex and the other person didn’t.  I said that it was important to remember that when you have sex one day, it needs to be something that both people agree on.  One person should never force sex on another person if the other person doesn’t want it.  And everyone is allowed to say they don’t want sex.  A no is a no.  Kate interjects with gusto: “I choose no!” she states. (Kate is determined not to have a boyfriend or get married ever because boys are gross and stupid).   I say that I am glad she says no now, but maybe one day when she is older she might want to say yes.  She says she wont. I say fine. 

Adam asks “but why doesn’t the person who wants to have sex just find another person who also wants to have sex?” Exactly my child.  I explained to them that rape wasn’t just about sex; it is about power and violation.  That rape often happened alongside violence.  Adam then said that if anyone had to put a gun to his head, he would do a karate chop and then kick them in the knee and then poke them in the eye and then he would…. “AND THAT IS WHY WE NEED A POCKET KNIFE MOM!!” Kate interjects midstream!  She just can’t let go of the pocketknife thing. 

(There was a stall at the market selling knifes and pocketknives. They were begging me to get one.  I said no, it is too dangerous.  Kate declares dramatically “We are NINE years old already mom, when are you going to TRUST US?!”)

Adam then asks “So what is it like?”  What, I ask? (still chuckling at the pocket knife comment). Sex, he says, what does it feel like?  OooKkk.  I am trying not to grin too much, thankful I am facing forward so they can’t see my smile.  Feeling a little sweaty at the thought of having to explain to my children what sex feels like, but determined to use this opportunity to gently educate them about sex.  “It feels good when it happens between two (grown up!) people who really like or love each other.”. Why do people do it, he asks, to make a baby?  I explain that people do it to make a baby but also because that is one of the ways adults show love for each other.  Oh, he says.  Kate asks:  “So, do you and Dad do it?”  EEEK!  “Yes we do” I reply calmly but having a little cringe. It feels very strange discussing your sex life with your 9 year old children.   “So how long does it last?” asks Adam.  OMG! How long does it last??! What should I say! “Well, it can last a few seconds to like, 30 minutes or so”. Kate asks:  “So not like 2 hours or something?” I am tempted to say “only in the movies” but I stick to “no, that seems a bit long, I think people would get tired by then”.  Adam asks:  “So how long do you and Dad do it for?”  O.M.G!  “All different times” I reply.  Ok, they say.  I explain to them that sex is something that should only happen between two people who agree to have sex with each other and should only happen when you are grown up, children shouldn’t be having sex.  I explain that even teenagers can have a baby if they have sex, so it is better not to have sex too young.  I tell them again that a ‘no’ is a no when it comes to sex.  I explain that sex is a private matter and shouldn’t be discussed with friends on the playground etc.  I remind them that their privates are private and no one is allowed to touch them unless they give permission. We discuss the red, orange and green zones on the body.  And then they see something on the road that distracts them and our conversation is over. 

It was such a great opportunity to talk about sex in an open, honest manner and even though it was a bit uncomfortable for me in parts (how long do you and Dad do it for! OMG!), I am so glad we did.  I have always been determined that I want my children to learn about sex and the associated issues from me, and not in a negative way on the playground. I am sure they will still get exposed to it on the playground, but I want them to hear it from me first. 

I drove home with a big grin on my face.  Such a cute, honest, real conversation.  I hope we can always communicate so openly. 

*The reason why Adam asked the question is that he overheard someone mention the word at the market we were at.  

The best father in the universe

Kate and I are very close.  She is always on my side / on my team.  She is going to live with me forever because she doesn't like boys and is never getting married.  She loves her father, but he is a boy so he is at a major disadvantage. Plus he likes to tease her and she doesn't like being teased.  Adam and Marko often do things together (they have a lot in common, they both love sports, cars, motor racing etc) and Kate and I are very happy to stay home.  

Recently Adam and Marko went away to Durban to the Top Gear car show and so Marko told Kate he would take her away on a special weekend away too. Which I thought was a very good idea because they don't spend enough one on one time together.

Last weekend Marko arranged the most amazing weekend away for the two of them. They flew to Durban (airplane trips SO exciting!), stayed in a hotel (exciting!) and even more exciting, he arranged for THE most amazing experience at uShaka Marine World in Durban.  It must have cost him a fortune, but I am not going to think about that now. He arranged for Kate to be called to the front to touch and kiss the dolphins, he arranged a special seal thingy, he arranged that they go shark cage diving, scuba diving, water park....  she had the best time ever!  Both Marko and Kate love animals and they love the outdoors.  

It was really good for both of them to spend one on one time together, just the two of them.  They had the most awesome, special time.  What a sweet thing to do.  

I must say, there are few things more attractive than when your spouse does something so sweet like this for your children. No amount of jewelry / flowers / diamonds / flattery / romantic holidays / new cars etc could ever compare to how many points Marko scored with this. Having lots of fond thoughts about him at the moment. 

Some pics from the holiday:  Link to FB album

My day off

Yesterday was supposed to be my day off (as husband is away with girl child).  Instead I spent the day in my car. It was HORRIBLE. My plan of catching up on all my work came to naught.

4:00am – wake up early so that I can get some work done

6:45 – wake boys up, give them breakfast. Both boys not feeling great – snotty noses, coughing the whole week. But relatively chipper.

7:15 – leave house to drive to cricket tournament in Kuilsriver

7:45 – arrive at cricket tournament along with 500 other people. Forced to park 23094432 kms away and carry Max on my back because he is tired and can’t walk.

8:00 – get Adam settled (give him money and phone and a list of instructions), instruct father of friend to keep an eye on him.

8:30 – drive from Kuilsriver to Tygervalley to take Max to breakfast and then do shopping for farewell party scheduled for later

10:00 – leave Tygervalley to drive back to Kuilsriver

10:30 – Find WINNER parking spot right at the front entrance, my meeting spot with Adam

10:35 – Adam arrives with a sad face as has lost the last game.  Drive straight through to party in Evertsdal.

11:00 – Drop Adam off at party imploring him not to eat too many sweets as he has another party to go to later. Realize that the question is an exercise in futility

11:15 – Arrive home.  Tidy up house, do a load of laundry, hang washing up, make lunch for Max, make lunch for myself, try to finish doing the invitations to Adam’s party, do not get even close to being able to do any of my own work.

12:45 – Put poor Max back in the car to fetch Adam from party to bring him home (Max was a total trooper the whole day actually, didn’t moan once about the back and forth, even though he loves staying home)

13:00 – arrive at party, pick up Adam

13:15 – Arrive back home, make lunch for Adam. Pack Adam’s overnight bag for his sleepover that evening. Stack the dishwasher and put it on.

13:45 – leave to take Adam to next party (put Max back in the car) with this overnight bag.

14:00 – arrive at party, ask Adam not to eat too many sweets as he has a sleepover later. Realize that the question is an exercise in futility. Also realize have forgotten party envelope at home with the birthday boy’s party money in it.  After wrestling with “do I give the cash now or tell her I will give the envelope to child on Monday at school” I think I just actually can’t worry about this anymore and hand over the cold, hard cash. Embarrassing.   

14:30 – arrive back home again.  Notice Kate’s friend from up the road walking past and invite her in.  We tell each other how much we have missed each other.  I finish printing out Adam’s party invitations.  Amount of actual, income generating work done so far today:  minimal

15:00 – Granny Val arrives to drop off my BFF's daughter who I am taking with me to the farewell party.  Even though my BFF is not going (she was away) and my daughter (who is actually my BFF’s daughter’s BFF) is away too.  Adam was having a sleepover with his BF whose dad was taking them both home from the party. 

15:30 – Pack all the bags and food etc, and drive to farewell. 

Eventually relax at farewell and try to forget that I haven’t managed to tackle any of my chores I had planned for today.

18:10 – get call from the sleepover mom saying Adam is not feeling well and is crying.  Speak to Adam who says he has a bad headache but wants to stay at the sleepover.  I speak in code and ask him whether he would prefer to come home. He say yes.

18:11 – grab Max and put him back in the car and drive to fetch Adam from sleep over.

18:30 – get lost

18:32 – arrive at house, pick up Adam who says he is crying because has a bad headache, but I think it is also partly because he feels embarrassed that he ‘failed’ at the sleepover.  The mom (who is awesome) and I promise the boys we will do it again soon.  Next time not after a three hour cricket tournament in the sun, plus two outdoor parties in the sun plus LOTS of sweets.  On the drive home I tell him that I am secretly VERY pleased that he chose to come home because I miss him terribly when he is not with me. I tell him that I am like a mother hen and I prefer to have all my chicks with me in the nest.  He whispers that he is secretly glad to be coming home too.  I feel sorry for him. He is a big boy most of the time, but sometimes he is still my little boy who wants to be with his mom. I think to myself that I would crawl over cut glass for my children. Even if I do spend the whole day shuttling them around

18:50 – arrive back at the farewell party with a very weepy Adam in tow.  Give him medicine for his headache.

18:51 – Adam pukes all the medicine up along with at least some of the 2397329 sweets he has eaten today.  Luckily he made it to the toilet in time.  He lies on the couch and after weeping a bit more, falls asleep

19:00 – eat dinner (was lovely! Tania is best hostess ever), manage to relax for a whole hour! Unfortunately still no work done, think about doing some when I get home.

20:00 – pack up bags, collect kids (leaving sleeping Adam for last). Drive to Pinehurst to drop off BFF’s daughter

20:15 – drop off daughter, say hello to friend, leave

20:30 – arrive home. Feed dogs, bath kids, in PJs, in (my) bed. (Adam sleeping on a mattress on the floor and Max next to me in the bed.  We are having a sleepover as Marko and Kate are away)

9:00 - Realize I am too exhausted to work.  Shower and get into bed. Lights off for the boys.

9:30 – Fall asleep, damn thankful this day is over

4:30 am – feel Adam crawling in next to me, crying  “I had a very bad dream”. I mumble that I am sorry to hear that and he can sleep next to me.  I shift up to the edge of the bed. “Can I tell you about my dream?”  No, I say – he should tell me in the morning so that we don’t wake Max.  He is still crying. Ok I say, tell me about your dream (desperately trying to hang on to the last threads of sleep before they disappear for good). He tells me about horrible dream in which Kate died*. I mumble a few words of consolation and suggest that we try to go back to sleep. I hear him sobbing a bit more.

5:45 – I give up trying to sleep while Adam is rolling around next to me, clearly not sleeping.  “Want to get up now?”  Yes he says.  So up we get.  I make myself a cup of coffee and pray that today is going to be better than yesterday.

Marko is never allowed to go away again.

* Adam is like a lost fart without Marko and Kate.  The twins are very attached to each other lately and they hate being apart. It really unsettles them.  Marko usually does stuff with Adam every weekend, so he is missing his dad as well.

PS And do you know what the first thing is that Marko will say when he gets home?  “Did you enjoy your day off yesterday?”  and then I am going to have to work hard not to want to punch him.  

Remembering Ben

Time is a great healer. When you are going through a terrible time, it is hard to believe that you will ever feel whole again. New grief (whether it is loss / divorce / any pain) is so raw, so overwhelming painful. It feels as if it will never end. But it does get better. You never forget, but you learn to live with the scars. You actually wear the scars with pride because you know they give you character, wisdom and empathy.

I haven't cried about Ben for a long time, for years actually. I can talk about my experience or about him with relative ease. But today I cried. I was caught unawares by my grief. I was reminded that although time does heal, you never forget.

I was at my dermatologist today and during conversation she mentioned that her husband was a paediatrician, a neonatal specialist - specialising in prem babies.  She spoke a bit about the NICU her husband was working in. I started telling her that I think NICU staff (nurses and doctors) are so important.  Such heros.  They do such important work, they can make such a huge difference not only to their patients (the little prem babies) but especially to the parents of the prem babies.  It is such a difficult, terrifying time for the parents.  And their job doesn't always have happy endings.  Some times the endings are sad, it is important to be able to deal with that - for the parents and for the NICU staff.  And then I touched on my and Ben's story.  And suddenly the memories of that awful, awful, horrific time we went through came rushing back as if it was yesterday. That horrible day when he died.  How dreadfully sad it was. The depth of the pain and grief.  How wonderfully amazing the staff were.  In particular a young nurse called Samantha.  Samantha was the NICU nurse who was with me when Ben died.  She told me to sit down in the rocking chair.  She picked Ben up from the NICU bed and took all the pipes and tubes and plasters off him.  She cleaned and dressed him and gave him to me to hold for the first and last time ever.  She quietly stayed nearby while he died in my arms. I don't even know how long it took for him to die.  About 30 minutes I think.  It felt like seconds, it felt like days.  One he had died, she gently took his body from me and I don't even know what she did after that. I was crying too much to see or think.  The mortuary then fetched his body.  We went to pick up his ashes a few days later.  OMG.  What a terrible thing we went through. No parent should ever have to do that.  I am so grateful to Samantha for the support she gave Ben and Marko and I during his time in the NICU and in particular the day he died. 

And then for those who don't know our story, that very same nurse Samantha was the same person who discharged Adam from another NICU in another hospital after he spent the first 12 days of his life in NICU due to prematurity of the lungs. Exactly a year before, she handed me my son so that he could die in my arms.  A year later she handed me a healthy son who I could take home with me. Samantha van der Merwe, you are still my hero.

All of those memories came flooding back this morning. I cried in the dermatologist office. I was trying to cry quietly but she noticed.  She got up and walked around the desk and held me while we both sobbed.  It came out of no where.  I am crying now as I write this.  I told my dermatologist to tell her husband that he is a hero, and to thank him on behalf all parents who have children in the NICU.

Time heals.  You learn to live with your scars.  But you never forget.  

RIP little boy.  I love you xxx