So Close

How do you break up with a friend?

It's hard to know how involved to get with your children's friendships.  In fact, let me ask you this - how involved are you in your children's friendships?  

I can imagine that as a parent you would get involved if you thought your child was involved in a friendship / relationship that was potentially harmful to them. (I am sure that is still coming my way. Great.) But what about friendships that YOU like but your kids are not so keen on?  

Not sure if it is this way with most boys, but Adam has easy friendships. He is friends with just about everyone.  He has a few 'preferred' friends that he will choose first if I ask him who he wants to have a play date with, but he will pretty much play with anyone. He has a wide circle of friends. Like sports? You are my friend. Simple.  

Kate's friendships are more complicated.  She has a smaller group of friends.  She has friends who prefer to have a more exclusive relationship with her.  She has best friends and people who want to be best friends with her. Unfortunately these aren't always the same people.

There is one girl who I am very fond of and who Kate used to play so nicely with for the last 2 years or so. But lately Kate has said she no longer wants to be friends with this girl.  She doesn't dislike the girl, she just doesn't want to be close friends with her.  I have asked her repeatedly why, but she wouldn't say.  "I don't know! I just don't want to be friends with her anymore".  The best that she could come up with was "she asks me too many questions". For a while, I sort of forced her to be friends with this girl by inviting her over to play because (a) she was a really lovely girl and I like her a lot, (b) because I felt sorry for this girl, she really loves Kate (and me) and (c) Kate and her had so much fun together!!  When they played together, they would laugh and play for hours. So how could Kate not want to be friends with her?  I thought Kate was just being otherwise. 

I think I eventually figured out what the problem is.  This other little girl is very intense emotionally. She forms intense bonds and relationships. I don't think Kate has the emotional maturity to articulate why she didn't want to be best friends with this girl anymore, but I think Kate felt overwhelmed by the emotional neediness of this other little girl.

My heart goes out to this girl because she is so intense and she loves Kate so. I hate that she gets heart-sore when Kate doesn't want to play with her.  I feel such a strong nurturing feeling towards her. I am torn between wanting Kate to be compassionate towards other people's feelings and needs, but also wanting to respect her own boundaries and relationships. 

Today Kate said "Mom, I really don't want to be friends with her anymore".  And so I said ok, but then I think we should tell her in a way that will not make her heart-sore.  (My heart is already sore at how sore her heart will be!! She is going to be so sad :( ).  I said that Kate needed to break up with her in a way that wouldn't hurt her too much.  So Kate asked me "how do you break up with a friend?"  I was sort of stumped and said "I don't know?". How do you break up with a friend??  She asked how I break up with my friends. Again, I wasn't sure!  How do I break up with my friends?  I don't know!  I don't really break up with my friends?  If I don't want the friendship to continue, I sort of back off until it weans off and the person either gets the message or loses interest.  Which is perhaps a very cowardly way to break up with a friend.  

That approach is not going to work with young children who aren't in tune enough to pick up subtle cues, so I suggested that perhaps we write a letter to the friend to explain that the friendship wasn't working.

"Dear friend, I don't think I can be the type of friend that you need and deserve. I think you are a great person and you deserve to find a friend who can be a true best friend to you."

And then we got stuck with how to end it.  "Wishing you well"?  "All the best"?  "Farewell"? Breaking up letters are hard!!  

What do you think we should do? Are we (me!) over-thinking this?  Am I too involved?  What should we / Kate do?  How do you break up with a friend when you are 9 years old. (or even when you are older than 9 like me)

PS what makes it even worse is that not only do I really like the little girl, I really like her parents too and I can imagine it will be hard for them as well. Sigh.  

Best compliment ever

I got one of the nicest compliments ever this week from a woman I had just met.

........

When I was younger, I used to be super self-conscious about the way I looked.  At school I hated being taller than everyone else. I hated my super skinny legs, my thin face.  You know how it is when you are at school, you want to be exactly the same as everyone else.  You want to blend in so well that you become practically invisible.  You certainly don't want to look like the beanstalk in Jack and the Beanstalk.  

In my twenties and thirties, I worried less about being outside of the norm, but I still worried about what other people thought about me.  

One of the best things about being in my forties is no longer worrying what other people think of my physical self.  It is SO liberating not worrying about being trendy, fashionable, 'normal'.  I embrace my otherness. I hardly ever make-up (thank god, because I HATE the way make-up feels on my face).  My uniform is shorts, T shirt and flip-flops. I don't wear mascara, lipstick, necklaces, rings or high heels. I wear my hair tied up in a pony tail / bun thing.  I have tattoos. I might not wear all the ribbons and bows, but I am always clean, my skin is well taken care of. I am by no stretch of the imagination a 'natural beauty'. In fact, I am the poster child for 'before and after' make overs. I look so different 'after' that people say things like "wow, you look so amazing done up and with make-up on, I hardly recognized you".  I know I look quite fabulous with make up on and my hair done, but I don't want to. No amount of looking fabulous is worth the crawling, dirty feeling of make-up, the irritation of having hair tickling my face*.  This is how I look once I have jumped out of bed, brushed my teeth, showered, tied up my hair and put clean clothes on.  This IS my presentable self. And I like it. I want to be judged for the contribution I make towards society, not for my make up or my fashionable clothes. I want to be judged on how I help my fellow humans, how I raised my children, how I built my business. I want to be judged on how I have lived my life, not how I look.  I wan't to be liked for my insides, not my outsides. Because I like myself, just the way I am.  

*My tactile / sensory issues have gotten worse in my old age - I cannot handle anything touching my skin. Not my hair, not make-up and certainly not any dangly, tickly jewelry

.......

I am class rep for one of the kid's classes and this week we had a class rep meeting to discuss selling refreshments at the athletics meeting.  

We were put into smaller groups to discuss who was doing what, and being my usual bossy self I volunteered to organize the shifts etc.  We were mixed with the Grade 1 moms, who I hadn't met before.  After the meeting I sent an email (which has my blog URL in my signature) out to the moms who were in my group and I got the nicest email from one of the new moms I had met:

"Ek was gister gefassineerd toe ek jou die eerste keer sien omdat ek gedink het jy is so gemaklik in jou vel en so cool met jouself.  Ek het so vinning van jou blogs gelees en is geinspireerd.  Dit maak klasrep wees die moeite werd wanneer jy mammas kan ontmoet wie jou inspireer."

Translated:  "I was fascinated yesterday when I saw you for the first time because I thought you were so comfortable in your skin and so cool with yourself.  I quickly read some of your blog posts and I am inspired. It makes being a class rep worthwhile when you get to meet moms who inspire you" 

And this was from a mom who is stunningly beautiful!  A tall, slim, classy looking woman who was impeccably dressed.  I remember thinking how beautiful she looked. 

What a lovely, lovely thing to do - to send an email to a stranger to give her a compliment like that.  She couldn't have paid me a nicer compliment!  Being comfortable in one's skin must be one of the greatest things to be.  

I emailed her back to tell her how much that had meant to me and to tell her that I am going to be BEST friends with her FOREVER.  She didn't reply to my email so I might have undone all the coolness but that's ok.  I will try to convince her that I am not a stalker and when I said FOREVER I only meant like 20 years or something.