Keeping secrets

I desperately want to have the type of relationship with my children where they feel they can talk to me about anything, without fear of judgement, admonishment or embarrassment. I don't want to be best friends with my children, I don't want to hang out with them, dress like them, be their peer - I want to be their mother, but I want to be the type of mother they trust - someone they feel safe enough to tell their secrets to, to talk about anything - good stuff and bad.  

At the same time, I never want to keep secrets from my husband (besides how much I spend on buying stuff for the kids, how much I spend at Woollies and other budget related issues - some things are not meant to be shared).  He is my partner in this parenting thing.

So what do I do when my daughter tells me a secret and asks me not to tell her father?  

In this case, the secret was fairly innocent - she got into trouble at school for talking in class.  (Third warning for talking in class, so has to stay in during break time. Fairly serious punishment*).  She was quite embarrassed by it and so asked me not to tell Marko in case he got cross.

This 'secret' is fairly innocent but it made me think long and hard about what I should do if the situation was more serious, when both she and her secrets get bigger.  And I am not sure what to do. I don't want to betray her trust, I feel quite strongly about that, but I don't want to keep secrets from Marko.

I don't believe in lying to my children - about almost anything. I understand that some lies are necessary to protect them, but I really do try to stick to the truth as much as possible.  When they ask me if something is going to hurt or if it will taste yucky, I always tell them the truth. I want them to be able to trust me, it is important to me. 

What should one do when your child tells you a secret and asks you not to tell their other parent?  

* Note that on the same day as Kate got her Serious Punishment, Adam came home with a certificate for good behaviour.  Which just about perfectly sums up the twins at the moment.

Comments

[dekorasyon]

Çoğu evlerde, oturma odası insanlar görüyorum ilk odasıdır. Salon Dekorasyon Uçuştaki oturma odasına misafir ağırlamaktan çok kullanılır, hala size ve tüm aile üyeleri için rahat bir ortam var oda istiyorum. Eğer oturma odası etrafına bakmak gibi, çok şey güncelleştirilmesi gerekiyor biliyoruz, ama bütçenizi tam bir yeniden yapılanma işi izin vermeyecektir.

[amy]

You and her father are a United Front. There is a difference in a child being able to talk to you about anything (which is a good thing to strive for), and a child thinking that they can keep something from one parent by telling the other. You need to know that if anything they tell you is serious enough, their father WILL know.

[Tanya]

I had a similar situation with my son when he got detention. I considered keeping it between the two of us but reconsidered when I realised the implications of the precedent I was setting, which worried me more. I explained to him that it was important to tell his father the truth because the consequences of it "slipping out later" would be way worse(like losing your husbands trust?) He understood and reluctantly "allowed" me to tell his Dad. I chatted with my hubby, explained the situation and asked him to "go easy on him" the first time around, which he did. We agreed that it was more important to build his trust and confidence in being able to come to us with anything than to keep secrets. So far it has worked well, I just have to quietly tell my husband certain things on the sly first so that he doesn't overeact and mess it all up ;-P

Another rule we have in our house is that we don't keep secrets, we may only keep suprises !! Secrets can be bad, get people into trouble and hurt people. I have drilled into my kids that if ever anyone told them to keep a secret, that I should be the first to know. Suprises are fun, something we plan to make a person happy and suprises aren't kept forever like secrets can be. (This was taught to us at a sex and child abuse prevention course)

Good luck with your decision......
PS...does Marko read your blog BTW?

[Julie]

Secrets is a bad word in our home. We do not keep secrets. We can have surprises that we don't tell other people about but we don't keep secrets because secrets can be dangerous. It's one of the most commonly used word by people who victimize children - don't tell anyone - it's our secret. If you tell the secret, your parents/you/your pet will (insert horrible thing here).

Sit down with your kids. Tell them that there are no secrets in your home. That they are safe and can tell you anything.

For us - if Dylan misbehaves at school and the school deals with it - we'll talk about it but he doesn't receive a second punishment. Maybe that would be a good option to make her feel safer for you both to know what is going on in her world.

[MomQueenBee]

I'm with Amy--keeping secrets from Marko is the first break in your United Front, and no matter how wonderful they are, your children will eventually try to take advantage of that break. I sometimes agreed to delay telling my husband something (until after a punishment was served, for example) but I didn't even agree to this before knowing the situation, and that was only with the understanding that the child would tell his father himself.

[Cristy]

I'm in agreement with everyone else about not keeping secrets from Marko. But I was also raised in a home where my mother freaked out about any little thing. So we never told my parents anything. Which meant I never told them when I was almost molested by the neighbor boy (I was 12 yrs old). Which meant my sister didn't tell them about being molested by the same boy (she was 8 yrs old, had flashbacks when she was 18 yrs old).

I'm not a mother (infertile and all), but I know that to instill trust means leveling with your children and setting the stage. I would explain to Kate that you can't keep this secret for her, as it's important her father knows. But, then I would offer her the opportunity to tell Marko. Before she does, prep Marko by explaining what's going on and explaining that she's afraid of him being upset. Then be present when she tells him. I'm certain she'll be nervous, but if you both emphasize how happy you are that she told you instead of keeping it a secret and emphasizing that she can always come to you, I think you'll accomplish your goal.

Good luck and I hope all goes smoothly!

[Catherine van der Wolf]

Tersh.....I honestly think you need to keep it a secret. I have kept things from G when the kids have asked me to.

[Sunny]

My oldest is only 4 years old, so I can't say I've been-there-done-that. But I don't plan on keeping my boys' secrets from my husband, and I would be clear to my children that that is the way it goes. Tell one of us, the other will hear about it too. It may keep them from telling me (or my husband) certain things, but I think the overall benefit (Mom and Dad are always a team) outweighs it.

[It Is What It Is]

I think you have to exercise some judgment because there are things, as she ages and into pre-teen and the teen years that she will want to share in confidence. I would not say that getting in trouble at school qualifies. I would explain to her that families have an open door policy with each other which generally means no secrets. And, because this one involves an infraction at school, her dad has the right to know. Then give her the choice of telling him herself or having you tell him (and even if she elects to tell him, you should prep him, first, so that he understands that her fear of his reaction made her not want him to know at all).

My son is 5 and I give him the choice to either tell his daddy or I will. This just came up on our drive home from Taekwondo. My son sauntered up to another boy, watched him for a bit, then hit him, unprovoked and for no reason. On the way home, my son asked if I was going to tell his dad and I told him that one of us would, me or him, and for him to choose. He asked me to tell him (which I will do in the company of my son).

So, that's how we handle it.

[Just Me]

I am not a parent. I have worked for most of my career with people who were at high risk for suicide. Since the goal is to stop that, obviously, I can't keep it secret if someone tells me that. So whenever someone who I would be mandated to report about asks if they can tell me a secret I lay out exactly what kind of secret I will be able to keep and what I can't tell and let them decide. In a few years Kate asking you to not tell Marko she has her period, that's probably an ok secret. But secrets that hide things (for example my suicide routine), those aren't good.

[Vivian]

I agree completely with Just Me.

[Student Mom (Jenn)]

I'm with Amy too. ANd Just Me makes a really good point too.
Biblically (if you go that way) you become one flesh, therefore you can't keep things from each other - if a child is aware of that they'll understand. You could always say you can't keep it from Daddy, but you'll tell Daddy you've already dealt with it. It also stops them trying to play one off against the other...

[JaneF]

To me the crux here is, that if you do tell her secret and she knows it, then she may not trust you as much any more and may withhold other (more important) secrets from you.

I would discuss with HER why she shouldn't feel the need to withold the info from her dad.

But it may be more important for you to remain her confidante. There may be times where you'll have to protect info for her, but she does need someone mature to be able to trust and speak to, particularly in a situation where she may need help, or be out of her depth.

If you want or need to involve Marko discuss it and let her understand why, so it is informed consent, and you are not breaking trust.

I am super grateful that my boys trust me enough to tell me the down and dirty truth when needed - last week's situation being a PRIME example!!!

[Rose]

Why does she feel she can tell you - and that you won't get cross - but that she can't tell her father? Why is she worried about his reaction and not so much about yours? (Because my kid's the same...)

[Stephanie]

I agree with everyone who says to give her the opportunity to tell him, because that's not something you should keep. I'd let her control it...but Dad needs to now. And if she won't then let her know you will have to.

[Sara]

I think this is tricky, because right now she is a young child, and really she doesn't have any secrets that she has any particularly good reason for wanting to keep from her dad, but as she goes through puberty, she may feel more comfortable confiding in her mother about things related to being female, and I think that you'll find that she's a lot more trusting if she knows that you're not going to run off and tell her dad about things related to her girly parts or what have you.

I haven't gotten there yet (my daughter is only four), but I suggest that you and Marko think about setting some clear guidelines now about what kinds of issues you will agree to keep private between one of you and a child and what kinds of things you won't. For example, you might discuss it with Marko and agree that all issues related to school, safety, and health will be discussed among both parents, but that he doesn't need to know the minutia of Kate's period, interpersonal problems, her first kiss, etc. Once you and Marko have figured out what you guys feel comfortable with, you can find a way to let Kate, Adam, and Max know what they can expect about privacy.

[Diane Dawson]

I think as kids get older there are different types of allegiances that form. Ideally, there would be no secrets in families. But lets be honest - we all have preferred siblings and parents, depending on the current dilemma.

So generally, I'm all for keeping secrets. But I think as the kids get older conversations about types of secrets are important. And discussions about the consequences. One of my sisters asked me not to tell the other she was immigrating... um... yeah. Bad choice.

In this case, the real issue is why she is scared of Marko. I'm going to out on a limb and suggest (based on your blog) that he's not going to flip out. But maybe she is scared of disappointing him? So maybe agree to keep it a secret for a little while - i.e., till you can talk to him and make sure he doesn't overreact, as someone else also suggested. It seems like an awesome opportunity to bring the two of them closer. See? You can trust Daddy with your problems! I suspect she'll be mightily relieved once he knows AND is not disappointed in her.

this made me think of so many things I'd like to discuss with my 5 year old when this comes up. Because my 5 year old is very outspoken and I'm sure there are detentions in her future. For instance, I don't have a problem with talking in class, generally :) But we could talk about things like why the teacher needs quiet, why the teacher is unreasonable (if s/he is, in my view). And why detentions don't reflect on the child, to me - they are often more of a reflection on the teacher and school than the kid. But we could discuss the importance of keeping order in the school. And how sometimes a more innocent kid gets caught up in the need for rules. And at this point my kid will probably pass out from boredom and be determined not to get another detention because i might talk at her again :)

I think a United Front is awesome, if it is practical. But sometimes one's Beloved turns into a demon at unexpected times. And if my husband was processing his own demons around detention, I'd totally keep it a secret until he could be trusted to behave.

[Joanne]

We also have the "no secrets" rule in our house for the reasons Julie and some others mentioned (I wonder if any of them took Feather Berkower's Child Abuse seminar I took recently). I agree with the others who recommend that you (1) tell her that we do not keep secrets in our family and (2) encourage her to tell her dad herself (but tell him if she doesn't). Our kids don't get punished twice. If I am the one who discovers the bad behavior, I deal out the discipline. (And the same if my husband witnesses/discovers the behavior). I also tell my husband -- he does not also punish if he knows I've already dealt with the behavior. But I feel he needs to know if it is anything semi-serious.

[Anna]

I'm a divorced mom with a domestic partner, so my 8-year-old son has a bio-dad and step-dad. Therefore, anything HE does at school has the potential to be repeated not once or twice, but three times. Four, if you add his therapist. This is pretty annoying to him: he used to get really embarrassed about doing wrong and he hated it when we'd repeat the story to another parent. He'd much prefer that only one person know: that he only have to "confess" to one person and get it over with.

I tell him that really, we ALL need to know. Not just because of the two-household thing (and not wanting him to have a separate life in each one) but because the other parents need to know what's going on with him emotionally. Pets and grandparents have died at bio-dad's house and I've not been told, so I have NO IDEA what's going on in my kid's head. This is NOT OKAY as far as I'm concerned. Also, bio-dad isn't as good at talking things out with my son, and step-dad isn't used to being a parent but has a lot to offer. I try to encourage BOTH to have these conversations, so that my son feels he can turn to anyone and be supported whomever he's with. It's not always been easy for him, but it's gone a long way to showing that unconditional support can come from three very different people.

[Jade Leth]

Like Just Me above pointed out, I think it's important to help your children to understand that there are some things that it is reasonable to expect you to keep in confidence (like she has a crush on X or she started wearing a bra) and some things that it is not. As her parent Marko deserves to be aware of what is going on with Kate at school, even if she is ashamed of her actions. Two thoughts come to mind about this: first, the fact that she doesn't want him to know points out that she knows she has done something wrong (minor though it may be). If you agree to keep this a secret then you are giving her the implicit message that she doesn't need to try harder to correct this behaviour because you will protect her from the consequences - in this case, her father's anger or disappointment. Knowing how our actions affect other people is a part of how we learn how to behave and interact with the world. In this situation, this applies to both Kate and Marko. She no doubt wants to make her father proud of her, and he probably wants her to be able to have the same feeling of trust that you strive for. Being the mediator and explaining to Kate why it is inappropriate to hide things from Marko and also talking to him first to make him aware that she worries about his reaction will give him a chance to prepare for the conversation and approach it in a way that will help to underline to her that while neither of you want her to be getting in trouble, at the same time you can be incredibly proud of her in doing the hard thing and admitting that she did something wrong. Building this trust and understanding with your children is going to be much easier to achieve when the stakes are lower, like it is now with Kate's relatively innocuous 'crime'.
And second: even if you didn't tell Marko, that doesn't mean he wouldn't find out. I imagine lots of kids at her school would be aware of her having recieved this punishment. Adam might know and not realise it was something to not tell Marko. Or he might know she doesn't want Marko to know and tell anyway to get back at Kate for a sibling disagreement. Kids could mention it to their parents, they could mention it to Marko. The teacher could mention it when you have teacher/parent interviews. You should make sure that she understands that he's going to be a lot more angry and disappointed that she tried to hide it if he finds out some other way than if she owns up to it now, of her own accord.
I think this situation offers you a wonderful opportunity for each of you to learn and grow and really build on that unconditional trusting relationship that we all hope to be able to have with our children. Good luck!

[Diane Dawson]

@Jade - you make an excellent point about parents finding out anyway. I suspect Kate would easily see the wisdom of this - better Dad find out now, from her, than give Adam or any other kid leverage later!

[J]

You and Marko are a united front. Explaining this to both children and making sure they understand there are no "secrets" in your home is so very important. I grew up with that philosophy and I grew to trust both parents equally. If I told my mom I got trouble at school she delt with it, and my dad didn't really bring it up. (No need to brow-beat). If I had girly stuff I needed to talk to my mom about, I knew my Dad knew about it but he gave me the privacy I needed and didn't bring it up. But, I found that because they both were supportive of me and always presented a united front, I could really go to either of them for anything. To this day I have very close and open relationship with both parents. Secrets cause a divide in the home.