The Birds and The Bees

We were driving home from the mall the other day when we drove past a chap shovelling gravel that had fallen off a truck. It was a boiling hot day so I said to the kids “that poor guy, he has to pick up all those fallen stones on such a hot day, what a pain”.

Adam replies “well, at least his boss will give him money”

Yes, I say, so that he can buy food for his children

(I am trying to teach my children that not everyone is as fortunate as they are and that for some people, even having money for food is considered lucky)

Or, says Adam, he can use the money to buy a house. Or a child.

(The conversation about people less fortunate than us often lists all the things we are fortunate to have that others might not – like a car, a nice house, iPads, toys, a warm bed, a garage(!?))

I briefly considered ending the conversation there but realized I couldn’t let the “or a child” comment just go.

“Well Adam, you can’t ‘buy’ a child. Where would you buy a child from?” I asked.

“From the doctor. Duh! Like you did” he says

DAMN IT!!!  My years of joy in being able to answer the question of how they came into being with “mommy went to a kind doctor who mixed the eggs and the seeds together in a petrie dish and then put the babies in my tummy” instantly shattered.

*Deep breath*

“Well Adam, not everyone needs to have the help of a doctor in order to have a baby.”

Total confusion on Adam’s face:  “What do you mean??”

“Well, some people’s eggs and seeds work and they don’t need a doctor’s help to make a baby”

*Oh shit!*

“Well then how do they make the baby?”

*Sweating*

“You know, I’ve explained this to you.  In order to make a baby you need a seed from the dad and an egg from the mom.  They mix together and then it creates an embryo. We’ve seen the pictures of it growing from two cells, to four cells etc”.  Hoping to move back to the familiar terrain that is science.

*Times slows down to a crawl as I steel myself for the inevitable next question*

“But how do the seed and the egg get together?”

Or as I heard it in my head:

“BUT HOW DO THE SEED AND THE EGG GET TOGETHER?”

*OMG!!!!!!  Blood pounding in my ears, scrambling through several options in my brain:  Opt for distraction !? (Look! There’s a bird!), lie!?, make something up!! HELP!!! IS HE READY FOR THIS??!! AM I READY FOR THIS??!!*

“Well, when a mom and dad really love each other and they want a baby, they can make a baby through their love and their hugging and kissing”.

*OMG!! SOMEONE SEND HELP NOW!! SAVE MEEEEE*

“Oh. Cool.  Look mom, there’s a bird!”

*Thank you Jesus*

It was a harrowing few minutes.  I am so not ready for this conversation.

PS Kate did not even look up from the iPad the entire conversation. Totally disinterested in any talk about birds and bees unless it involves actual birds or bees. 

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Which reminds me of a conversation I had with Kate about a year ago.  She was telling me that she never wants to have children.  I asked her why and she said that she doesn’t want a doctor to cut her tummy like mine in order to get the baby out. I casually mentioned that actually, there was another way babies could come out that didn’t require a cut in the tummy. 

“How?!” she asked excitedly

“Well, some ladies actually have the baby come out their vaginas”

A horrified expression on her face, she exclaimed “Well, then I am DEFINITELY not ever having a baby!”

(And she remains adamant to this day, she does not want a baby because there is no way she having it come out her vagina or out a cut in her tummy. We have agreed on adoption or living childfree.)

Comments

[Angie]

I made the mistake of telling my oldest that "mommies have a special opening where the baby comes out". To which he of course replied "let me see it".

[jane]

Angie, that is too funny, I laughed out loud on that one!! You should send it to reader's digest or something.

Tertia, I miss reading you every day! Love your view on things!!

[tryingtobegrownup]

Tertia, I recently discovered your blog while searching for fertility info for someone at work, and have spent the last week or two reading through the archives. I'm in awe of your resilience with all that life has thrown at you, and your ability to keep a sense of humour. Please keep writing!

[MacLeod House]

If it wasn't for a close friend that had a c-section and told me how easy it was (and really, both of mine were), I too would have been adamantly childless as a result of the same conversation I had at her age!!

[Patti]

Love it. Kate and Adam are both too funny. And so are you Tertia!!

[Kate]

Here's a hilarious take at the sex ed discussion from a v. v. funny American comedian named Julia Sweeney.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ry-LwxR746s

[Trish]

hahahahahaahaa.
This hasn't come up at our house yet, but recently a friend's daughter managed to catch me off-guard asking about where my son's milk came from. (My boobs!)
My friend wasn't around, so I hadn't the faintest idea how she wanted me to handle it. The child in question had been formula fed because her mom had supply issues. But still, even if I knew she was okay with me explaining anything, do I call them breasts? Boobs? Jugs? I was in a total panic.

I managed to get through it w/o using any of the above words, but the kid in question still managed to look horrified and then told me "Well, when I have a baby, is it okay if I just get milk from a can?"

I told her if that's what she wanted to do, that was fully her choice, yes. And then changed the subject as quickly as humanly possible.

[escort girls]

I told her if that's what she wanted to do, that was fully her escort girls, yes. And then changed the subject as quickly as humanly possible.