Hand me downs = The Infertile's Cherry on Top

When (if) you finally have a baby after trying for so long to conceive, there are many wonderful, butterflies-in-the-tummy moments that make you realize how incredibly lucky you are.  I am not talking about the traditional 'wonderful' moments like holding your baby in your arms, the first smile, the first step etc. I am talking about ordinary, seemingly insignificant moments that give you that huge rush of joy. Normal parenting moments that fill you with gratitude about what you have.  I am talking about tripping over a forgotten toy in the lounge and thinking "omg!  I have toys in my lounge! Which means I have a baby!".  Moments when you find a forgotten, full-of-old-fluff dummy (pacifier) in your handbag and your heart does a flip: "I have a dummy!! In my handbag! ME! I am a mom!".  Ordinary moments like picking up a half-eaten peanut butter sandwich, getting up in the middle of the night to soothe a bad dream, putting 5 bucks in the merry go round.  Even though my twins are almost 7, I still get those butterfly-in-the-tummy reminders often. (When I am not thinking murderous thoughts about how naughty they are!)

But you know what the biggest rush is, the biggest thrill, the biggest reminder how incredibly lucky I am?  Hand-me-downs.  

When you are going through infertility you obviously have some hope that you will one day have a child. If you had no hope, you wouldn't continue trying.  But never in my wildest dreams did I believe I would be in the situation where I would use my own hand-me-downs.  Succeeding once (with a singleton or more) is what I was hoping for. Succeeding again with a second (third) child, having the opportunity to have hand-me-downs never entered my mind.

When I see Max wearing something Adam wore (or claiming Kate's old pink scooter as his own), I am blown away with how incredibly lucky I am.  So lucky, it almost seems greedy.  Not only did I have the opportunity to dress a child in that item of clothing, but I had the opportunity to do it AGAIN!  It just blows my mind.  

Hand me downs are the ultimate cherry on top for any infertile.  And ultimate proof that I am lucky beyond my wildest dreams.  

PS Because I was convinced I would never have another child, I gave away all of Adam's and Kate's clothes to charity when they were about three.  Which means I am only now reaping the rewards of hand-me-downs. I had no baby clothes left when I was pregnant with Max!  It was a kind, but expensive gesture on my part.  Luckily because he was a second (third) baby, he survived on the bare minimum. 

PPS Even though I have three children, because the first two came as a package deal, Max is like a second child.  Although, if he was measured on the chaos and mess he causes, one could argue he is like a second, third and fourth child all rolled into one. That child is, um, busy.  

Adam and Kate: "Mom! Take a picture of our butts".  Such refined children. 

Comments

[Analise Iriya]

This is not meant as a trolling comment (i love your blog, even though i never comment) and is probably pedantic and anal, but here goes anyway.

You had a child naturally with no fertility treatment. On what basis can you continue to refer to yourself as infertile? Even in the context of being a recovering or former infertile? Manifestly, you are and were not infertile, and use of the word seems a bit disrespectful to the truly infertile, many of whom cannot have a child even with every medical intervention available.

Just wondering what your thoughts are on this, Tertia. As I said above, it's not intended as any kind of attack on you.

[Margot]

I would think anybody who has been through hell and back and then conceives a miracle baby can call herself anything she wants, but if it's infertile she chooses, she's earned it. I understand your point Analise, there's a sliding scale of being 100% unable to conceive and something less than 100%. But infertile-with-statistically-highly-unlikely baby is a little long-winded.

[Laura]

I am also a lurker, but I have to pipe in here. There is a wide spectrum of infertiles-- and I happen to be on the luckier end of that spectrum (at least for kid #1, assuming he/she survives this pregnancy with me). My last-ditch, I-truly-don't-believe-this-is-going-to-work effort prior to doing IVF actually worked (that is, I miraculously conceived a child with IUI). Even though MANY women have endured much worse (notably Tertia), I still consider myself infertile, and perhaps, to some extent always will, regardless of what happens in the future. I had to BUY my pregnancy-- with 2.5 years of grieving every month, living with a sense of loss, endless doctor visits, and a lot of cold, hard cash. Most other women take their ability to conceive for granted, and for me at least, that is where the difference lies.

I think that anyone who has endured IVF ten billion times carries that experience around with them for the rest of their lives. Thus, with all due respect, I think "infertile" is appropriate.

[D]

So very true. It's an amazing feeling isn't it.

[Even in Australia]

I love this post. Reminds me to cherish those mundane moments.

[Sue]

I so totally agree about the hand-me-down situation. An awesome reminder of the miracle of lucking into pregnancy and family despite the hell of enduring infertility treatment and related sorrow.

[Neesie]

I had one of those exact same moments today...Lifting three sweaty, stinky, just a little obnoxious, darling tween boys to and from a hockey match. Only one of them belongs to me, but as I drove and listened to them chat in the back, I smiled and thought....12 years ago...who would have thunk? How blessed am I? Yay!

[Alexicographer]

The "who is infertile" discussion was covered (well, I think) on Karen's blog: http://thenakedovary.typepad.com/cheek/2008/02/infrtl-4-evah.html .

As for me, Tertia I am jealous you get to experience hand-me-downs, but also delightedly happy for you. Ambivalence: I embrace it!

[Kitty8218]

Analise, just because she had one miracle baby with no treatment does not discount the fact that she went to hell and back to start her family! Read her book and then you will realise that Tertia was infact very much an infertile and because she managed to have a miracle baby after going to hell and back to have the twins does not disqualify all she went through to reach this point!
It is unfair to judge and classify who and who isn't infertile. If you have struggled and been through it all to start your family you are infertile and by no means does having a natural conception disqualify you from being part of the 'club'.... I think you're being extremely disrespectful!

[Lindsay]

As an INFERTILE to a 'freebie', the 2% chance, I feel exactly the same as you. We had a jungle gym put up yesterday for my daughter, who will soon be 3 and I kept looking out the window and thinking OMG I have a jungle gym in my garden which means I have been blessed with a child! Often have those moments!
Am not giving up HOPE that I will be blessed again with another precious soul to nuture and love! What an amazing gift that would be (AGAIN!).

[Marcia (123 blog)]

I know exactly what you mean - I had my first "moment" when I was in a Preggi pregnancy class - "me??? in a preggy class?"

And have MANY of those moments all the time - the fact that I now have to lock my freezer to prevent my twins from getting in and being naughty (tossing food all over the kitchen!) - all "oh my word, I'm finally a mother" moments

it's fun, isn't it? And keeps you oh so very grateful!

[Mary]

I couldn't have written it better myself Tertia! That is exactly how I feel!

[yasmina]

Max is God sent, because there is no explanation why he came to your life. You were not prepared for his coming. I am not a religious person, but I believe that this little guy comes with a mission. Thanks for sharing!

BTW, in my opinion, there is no true infertile unless you lack of reproductive organs, therefore, infertile is a loose term for people who have difficulties to conceive. Agree with Margot, Tertia has been through 9 (or more, I am too lazy to confirm) ivf cycles, that would make her more infertile than most of the ivfers who don't need so many cycles to conceive their babies. I was pregnant at 24 but needed one fresh ivf cycle and few frozen cycles to bring me two children at 45 and 47. Yes, I still call myself infertile!

[D]

Your description of feeling like "Wow I am a Mommy" is also similar to what I feel now that I have an 8 month old boy. My first born boy was lost after an early delivery at 35 weeks when he was only two days old. So I never got to bring him home and have baby items all over the living room or pacifiers in my purse or diapers/wipes in the center console of my car. Now that I have those things I am thrilled and amazed at the most boring normal things. I hope if we have a second baby I get the joy of hand me downs too. Thank you for sharing those feelings in your post.