Infertility - is it worth it?

In the beginning, when you first start out trying to conceive you are filled with hope, optimism and excitement.  You smile secret smiles while you dream about your future. You have visions of blissful mother and baby moments, all soft lighting and beautiful music.

As the months and years go by, and as you face negative after negative, the dream soon becomes too painful to dream.  Instead of soft lighting and beautiful music there is disappointment, pain and fear that the dream might never become a reality. There is no vision, there is only a big question mark.

And so you go into self preservation mode.  The music goes off and the lights go dark and you start wondering if it is really worth it.  Perhaps that beautiful vision isn't real.  Perhaps you were fooling yourself all along.  Perhaps you don't really want this. Look at your life - your life isn't so bad as it is.  Maybe deep down, you don't really want children.  The pain of trying again and again seems too much.  Perhaps you should just give up.  You wonder whether it really is worth it.  

I asked myself that question many times.  After yet another negative, after yet another miscarriage.

Now that I am on the other side, now that I am 'living the dream', I want to answer that question for everyone who is where I was all those years ago, wondering whether they should carry on, wondering whether it is worth it.

It is worth it. It is worth it times a million.  It - being a mother / having children - is better than I ever dreamed it would be, ever hoped it would be.  It is also harder than I realized it could be - children make you old / fat / poor / tired / celibate / exasperated / grumpy / irritable etc, but even with all of that, it is so absolutely worth it.

There are so many wonderful, amazing things that I hadn't even anticipated - the togetherness you feel, the sense of purpose, the grounding, the kinship, the family, the entertainment, the laughs, the way they love you, the opportunity to view the world anew through their eyes etc etc, but the most mind blowing part is how much YOU love them.  The opportunity to love someone or something so completely, so unconditionally with every fibre of your being is what makes it worth it. It is a type of love I didn't even know existed, it is a deep, primal love that comes from the very marrow of your bones, from within the cells of your heart.  It is an all consuming, deeply powerful love. The opportunity to experience that kind of love is a privilege and an honour.  

There is no soft lighting or beautiful music, I don't know what I was thinking there!  More like florescent lighting and rock music on full blast, with the occasional thunderstorm and stuck record (me). It is crazy, busy, exhausting and so absolutely 100% worth it.

If you are in that place where picking yourself up and trying again seems almost too much to bear and you wonder if it is worth it, I want to tell you it absolutely is.  Times a million.

I hope that you get to find out for yourself soon.

Comments

[Peggylive8]

Good morning, Tertia. I am crying my eyes out as I read this. It's now been 12 years since my first (unsuccessful) IVF cycle and as you know, I have been the parent of Thomas, my son who came to us via adoption in 2003. Parenting has been wonderful but desperately difficult at times. Yet I wouldn't trade the experience for anything. Tom is the only person my 86 year old mother who has dementia and Alzheimers can relate to at this point. You know how everyone tells to you have your children when you are young so that they can have a relationship with their grandparents? Well, I guess they have a point but if you do wind up missing the boat as we did, God still has a plan.

[Invivo]

I think about this so much, recalling my own state of mind just before we got our positive. I was ready to move on and take advantage of the benefits that childlessness offered (lets be hounest, there are some real benefits as well, that is why some choose that option voluntarily). But today, despite the challenges I face with one special needs twin I cannot imagine my life being different and I have so much more compassion for those still struggling because now I know that their heartache is well and truely valid. Very few things are as heartbreaking as wanting a child and not being able to and today I know why, being a parent is deeply, deeply satisfying on so many levels.

To those still struggling, put all your heart into it!

And to those who have given up, my heart is also with you - That empty feeling is not imagined, it is part of the blueprint of who you are and deserves to be mourned as much as parenthood calls to be celebrated. I'm still looking for those words of comfort which remain ever elusive. A loss will always be a loss, and words a mere expression of care, and attempt at comfort, but never quite enough.

[Marisa]

This makes me cry. Then again, I am almost 18 weeks pregnant, so I totally blame the hormones. This is why I kept going for almost two years. And this is why I can't wait for November to come. Thanks for reminding me of how precious it is.

[Leslie]

I'm crying now, too. Thank you for posting this. I am in that place right now, as my husband and I are in the middle of a cycle where nothing is going right. We've had two failed IUIs, and at this point, it doesn't look like we'll even be able to have an IUI this month. We're starting to consider IVF or adoption options, and I really needed this reminder of why it is all worth it...

[A Daft Scots Lass]

What an absa lootly brilliant post.

Its funny how you cannot verbalize or explain the joy that being a mother brings to someone who has not experienced it.

Brilliant Brilliant Post!!!

[Woody's Girl]

"That empty feeling is not imagined, it is part of the blueprint of who you are and deserves to be mourned as much as parenthood calls to be celebrated. I'm still looking for those words of comfort which remain ever elusive. A loss will always be a loss, and words a mere expression of care, and attempt at comfort, but never quite enough."

How eloquent. Thank you for putting into words what I've struggled with - from both sides of the equation.

I would only like to add that sometimes, rather than giving up when parenthood isn't coming to us the way we imagined, we might need to explore alternate routes to get to the same destination, and that does NOT make us a failure! Also that while adoption (of a biologically unrelated child, embryo, or egg/sperm), surrogacy, or any other avenue to parenthood ultimately is a blessing, I also understand that it doesn't necessarily purge us of longing for achieving parenthood via the more "traditional" route.

Society places such idealistic expectations on women - definitely in the US, not sure about other countries - which can brainwash us into thinking we aren't "good enough" if we have not achieved the "ideal." It's not just about conception/child birth... it creeps into every aspect of life, but I believe the expectations surrounding motherhood can be the most painful (especially since BECOMING a mother is actually beyond our control).

Tertia, I am so happy for you! Despite enduring unspeakable agony, you persevered, and have been richly blessed. Thank you for this note of encouragement to those still in the trenches.

[Joy]

Yes and even yesser. Worth it. Five years 6 IVFs miscarriage ectopic 3 negatives. Worth it a million times over.

[H]

It is as if you've taken my thoughts and put them directly on your blog for all the world to see. Granted I'm only 2 years down this road of infertility but I've tried convincing myself that maybe children just aren't in the cards for us, that we can be happy living our spoiled dual income no kids lifestyle, that I enjoy my sleep and having nice things too much to brings kids in to mess that all up. I'm presumably a week away from ovulating and I realized just this morning that I really don't care. It is too hard to get my hopes up so much every month only to be shattered when Aunt Flo rears her ugly head. I know it is probably just a form of self preservation, but lowered expectations go a long way towards preventing disappointment. If I don't set myself up for another failure I can just pretend this childless life is by my own choosing and that all is as it should be.

It is comforting to know that is by some miracle this actually happens for us one of these months, that maybe we'll find it has been worth of all the struggle, heartache and self doubt after all.

[Tracee]

Having "been there, done that" I agree wholeheartedly with your eloquent post. Amen, PPS sister!

[S]

As someone who is still on the hoping/wishing/praying/trying side, thank you for confirming what, in my heart, I have long believed to be true.

Here's hoping I get to find out for myself soon.

[Anna]

You say it beautifully. Nice post.

[Cristy]

Thank you for this post. I definitely needed it today. After almost 2 years of this process, we're still without a child and have been beginning to wonder if it's even worthwhile continuing. So thank you for sending hope to all of us still in the trenches. I hope one day to resolve my infertility and join you on the other side of this chasm.

[Nataly]

Great post, Tertia. Thank you for saying unspoken words for these who are already enjoying parenthood, for these who are still trying and for these who are almost ready to join happy families after many-many years of the infertility battle... We all needed them.

[The Happiest Mom on the Block despite being sleep deprived!]

I was on that road for 11 years. My bundle of joy is worth every single day of those 11 years.

I often read Tertia's 2004 post 'Giving up – When is enough enough?' and just knew I was not ready to give up.

[Heather]

Thank you, Tertia, I needed to hear that (still trying). You are such an inspiration. :)

[Samar]

you are absolutely right, this couldn't be written any better, the way you described it was more than amazing, and no matter what it is that we're looking for, if we actually tried harder and harder we will get there and we will never regret it :)

[Luann]

I heart you.

[Cevdet Bey ve Oğulları]

awww... its so good to know that there are places like this in our country and that there are people who are trying to make a difference.

[Mash]

Thank you so much. I've been lying in bed all day with a Femara headache and wondering if I should even bother with the egg retrieval next week. I'm so tired.

Your post has made me cry. I needed to hear it.

[Zoey @ Good Goog]

In comparison to most people my TTC journey was short and easy. But trying for our second by the time I'd gotten to the eighth month and I'd had eight months of being absolutely devastated every time, I wondered how many more months I could do it. But the squishy is so worth it. She would have been worth years of it.

[wholesale jerseys]

Thank you for posting this. I am in that place right now, as my husband and I are in the middle of a cycle where nothing is going right. We've had two failed IUIs, and at this point, it doesn't look like we'll even be able to have an IUI this month.

[Zah K Masuku]

WOW...

[Jen]

Thank you for such a wonderful post. I have thought the same things, many times, and have cried the tears many times as well. After 6 years of trying to conceive, 11 IVF's, 3 m/c, I have my miracle child as a result of doing a donor cycle. I was a very difficult case and my doctor gave me the DE talk after my second failed cycle. I just wish I had listened sooner instead of being so stubborn. This was worth every tear, every shot, and the countless broken hearted nights. I thought I would feel so slighted, or feel I've given up so much when thinking about DE. However I don't even think about it..... ever. It makes not one teeny tiny difference. I'm so happy to be on this side and so happy that I chose this path. Thank you for sharing your stories over the years and for giving others strength, and thank you to all the donors out there (especially mine) making this option possible.

[carole]

I appreciate the sentiments and as someone who did it and got out the other side with a baby, of course it was worth it. Would have been worth it if it had lasted 3 times as long.

BUT...is it worth it for those people who DON'T end up with a baby? For who it just doesn't work? Who have gone through as many cycles as they can afford but end up with nothing? For those people who can't adopt (for whatever reason)? I wonder if they feel that their suffering really did them any good?

Does this sort of reassurance help them? Or does it just feel like twisting the knife a bit deeper?

[africatz]

Having stated this journey in 1998 and still on the same side i've never stopped asking myself how far i can go!? or is it worthwhile continuing? is it???

[crystal]

Many many times have I been touched by what you've said. I've read here a very long time, pre-K&A. Tonight I needed to hear this. We've been at this 11 years, and still not any closer to our dream. Tonight I've been thinking about how much longer I can do this, and whether I was the only one of so many women I've connected to who were ttc over the years who is still here, childless and scared of the future, and of making the wrong choice.
Thank you for reminding me what I'm fighting for, and that this too shall pass, one way or another.

[Cyndee]

Oh my worrrrrrrrrd! How apt! This is EXACTLY where I am in my head at the moment [but thanks to Leanne, things are getting a little clearer :)]! Would love to chat to "Jean" about her DE experience. Do you have her contact details, please? (PS: You have my email address). Thanks dharlink!

[Cyndee]

Sorry, I mean "Jen".

KISSES

[Liz]

I'm always curious if the people who went through it all and ended up with NO baby found the treatments worth it. Did it really give them peace of mind knowing they tried so long? I think the answer is fairly easy when you succeed, especially with three kids (although I know one happened without treatment). The ones that I watch drift away without success make me realize, not everyone succeeds. And since that's more the direction I seem to be, I find myself saying ... is it worth it to end up with only a more broken body and heart? And watching 41 approach and being a RPL veteran after 4 years, I fear I already know the truth for me.

[Treds]

Thanks Tertia for giving me hope. I just found out, in my 6th week of pregnancy, that foetal development stopped. This was my 2nd IVF attempt. I feel so alone, but after reading your post I really crave for what you're feeling.....that it's worth it!

[Carol]

It took us (me and husband) 5 years before we finally had our son. It is just a challenge for us. He will provide us what we need and sometimes even more than that. All we have to do is to wait patiently.