So Close

The Psyche of Sulking

I hate sulking. I've tried it once or twice in my life, but I have never been very good at it.  I either forget I am supposed to be sulking or it seems like way too much of an effort. I hate sulking (and people who sulk).  I hate it with a hatred that borders on irrational.  

Unfortunately my husband is a bit of a sulker.  I can't tell you how much it upsets me.  I've told him before that if, heaven forbid, we ever had to break up it wouldn't be because of the big things like money, infidelity etc, it would be because of the small things like sulking. That is how strongly I feel about it. My husband says he isn't sulking, he is just being quiet. I say that is nonsense.  I know him, I know how he normally is. I know when is he just 'being quiet' and when he is having a full on sulk. 

Why do I hate it so?  Not sure. I think it might have something to do with the fact that my 'love language' is words.  Words (and communication) is how I feel loved, how I love. It is my passion (writing), my hobby, my craft and my creative outlet.  Words are important to me. And so when someone withhold words, or when they punish me with words, it feels like they are being especially cruel and unloving. 

I am trying to understand it better.  So some people sulk when they get cross, other people like me might get vocal, or stamp their feet. Sulking is just another way people react to negative things, right?  Ok.  But why does it have to last so long?  Why do you need to sulk for hours? And why don't you take your sulking self out of the situation then? Go for a drive, go watch TV, go lie in your bed. Don't be in other people's company and let your negative, oppressive silence scream volumes at everyone else.  Why don't you just say what is upsetting you?  If you don't come out and say what is making your cross, how is anyone ever going to fix it or not do it again?  God, I really, really hate sulking. It is so insidious, so mean. So bloody unnecessary.  

Ok, so help me understand it better.  Why do you sulk?  Actually, let's define what I mean by sulking. I mean not talking.  Being quiet. Responding to questions with the bare minimum.  Not initiating conversation. And god forbid you should actually crack a smile.  

So, why do you sulk?  Am I being unfair by asking people not to be cross in the way they want to be cross?  Should we just leave them alone to get over it?  (Do they understand how unpleasant it is to be out with someone who sits there with a blank expression on their face, not saying a word?) As a sulker, do you enjoy sulking? Do you notice yourself doing it? If you don't enjoy it, why don't you stop yourself? Can you stop yourself? I can't stop myself from being cross, but I can stop myself from shouting or getting upset. I understand you are upset about something (that is clearly evident from the stony silence), but surely it is easier to talk about it and resolve it? Why don't you talk instead of brewing in stony silence? Do you understand that your sulking punishes others? Is that part of why you do it?

Are you a sulker?  Tell me how to handle you. 

 

Ho ho ho hum.

So, that was Christmas.  Woosh and its gone.  All those "how many sleeps till its Christmas", all the Jingle Bells we suffered.  All for one day of festivities.  Adam wanted to know last night how many sleeps until the next Christmas. I was very tempted to shoot myself on the spot.

As you know, 'gifts' is not my love language. I would FAR rather get (and give) gift vouchers one can use to buy exactly what one wants.  The whole gift-choosing, gift-wrapping thing does not make me jolly.  However, I make an effort for the kids sake.  This year I did really well, I managed to get all the gifts in two outings. One outing was with Max, which scores a million bonus points for bravery.  I asked Rose to keep the gifts in her room because Adam has the most amazing knack of ferreting out hidden gifts and sweets from even the most hidden place in the house.  

The gifts were bought and well hidden, the tree was up.  I had fielded increasingly difficult to answer questions about the logistics and theoretical discrepancies of Father Christmas (FC). Christmas cheer was well intact.  Of course the gifts weren't yet wrapped but there were at least 10 sleeps until Christmas. Things were going well.

 (Remember the loveys that Adam and Kate had as babies?  We still have them. I have bought 36 of them and we are now down to two. They don't make them any more (Woollies used to make them, if anyone finds any anywhere, I will pay good money for two more).  They are no longer allowed to leave the house. They absolute love their 'babas'.  PS how cute were the twins when they were babies!! Love that pic)

Unfortunately, Adam's nose for hidden treasures proved too much of a match and the kids FOUND the stash of gifts in Rose's room.  I almost cancelled Christmas right there and then. Luckily, half of the gifts were still in the plastic bags so they didn't see all of them. So now they believe that FC brought half the gifts and the other half came from Rose. Whatever.  My fault for not wrapping them as soon as I bought them.

Of course I left the gift wrapping to the last minute and Christmas Eve found Marko and I sitting on the lounge floor wrestling too small pieces of wrapping paper over bulky, pointy gifts.

May I just say here that Marko is not a good last-minute gift wrapper.  Last minute gift wrapping requires more speed and less precision.  By the time I had wrapped three gifts, Marko was still s l o w l y and painstakingly perfectly folding the corners of the wrapping paper over three times.  I wanted to climb over the pile of gifts and shove the sellotape up his bum.  Not that I was in a irritable mood or anything like that.  But by 9pm the gifts were wrapped, the milk, cookies and carrots were half eaten and clues of Santa's presence was well evidenced.  

Christmas day started at Sparrow's Fart.  It wasn't yet 6am and we had opened all the presents.  

Adam's best gift:  a paintball gun thing that shoots paint every where.  Kate's best gift:  An ant pod science thing (a nest like thing that you put live ants inside).  Max's best gift: a pink shopping cart.  

Marko got each other the same thing!  In fact, it was the same thing we got each other for our birthdays and for last Christmas too - nothing.  We really are terrible!  So unromantic.  In our defence, we buy each other (and ourselves) gifts all the time.  

We went for lunch at Moyo at Spier. It was really nice to be with Sister Mel and her kids and with my parents. but it was DAMN hot under the tents and I thought it was very over priced.  R350 odd per person, no drinks. Expensive. But, as I said - it was really nice to be together. I am hoping that next year Sister Nina is here for Christmas then we can make her cook.  She is the food expert in the family. 

My dad, Sister Mel, her daughter Rebeka and my mom. So good to have my parents healthy and happy at Christmas!  We've had to deal with some pretty big hits the past few Christmases.  

I really do sound like the Christmas grinch, don't I? I'm sorry. I do make an effort for the kids, but it feels terribly hypocritical to get all romantic and traditional about Christmas when (a) I am not religious and (b) we are not big on traditional things like that.  We will create our own family 'traditions' and things we like doing. 

Well campers, that's it for now.  I hope you had a good Christmas if you celebrate it and that you were filled a bit more of the festive cheer than I was. I leave you with this last pic of my biggest boy and my littlest boy. What a handsome pair they are.

 

Mothers on holiday and other myths

It's December in Cape Town which means just one thing - HOLIDAYS! 

I love this time of the year - the weather is absolutely gorgeous and the vibe is so jovial. Flush with time off and hopefully a bit of a Christmas bonus, the city is bursting to the seams with locals and visitors on a holiday mission.  

Life is already pretty laid back in this gorgeous city of ours, but during December it becomes practically horizontal - lounger / pool chair type of horizontal.  Think bikinis, cocktails, tanned limbs and afternoon naps.  Now wipe that thought from your mind IMMEDIATELY as none of that applies if you are the Mother of Small Children. If you are the Mother of Small Children then you will be running around (in the heat) making cocktails for your guests, putting sunblock on the tanned limbs of your kids and trying hard to get your baby to take an afternoon nap in the heat. Holidays have a slightly different meaning for the Parent In Charge of Children and Other Domestic Duties. 

We are off for a four day getaway tomorrow*. We are leaving our 4 bedroomed air-conditioned mansion** to spend some quality time together in a cosy two bedroom apartment, right by the beach.  As soon as I am finished this brief blog post, I am going to throw a few hundred things into about 50 bags in preparation for our holiday. Fun fun fun! But I don't like to complain (absolute rubbish, I LOVE to complain), so I will suck it up and force myself to enjoy the feeling of sand stuck up my bum and sunscreen in my eyes.  

Actually, although I might sound ever so slightly un-enamoured about this holiday thing, I don't mind too much. I am looking forward to seeing the kids enjoy themselves and spending time with my husband.  I am sure we will be just fine with having the baby sleep in the room with us and no spare room to escape to when the husband snores. I am all about letting go and enjoying myself.

(And if you believe that, you'll believe anything)

Wish me luck.

PLEASE NOTE:

* I am getting someone to stay in my house while I am away so please shelf that plan to break into my house and steal my most prized possessions***. 

** I do not live in a mansion. The word mansion was used for illustrative purposes only

*** I will have my most prized possessions with me anyway (My BB, my iPad and my laptop). I might be on holiday but I am not completely mad.

Forcing your child to be friends with others

You know how some children are just so sweet and sensitive and soft and gentle?  Kate is not so much like that. She has MANY redeeming qualities, but being soft and sweet is not one of them. To be honest, I prefer her the way she is. I love that she is so strong, that she is a leader and that she takes charge. I love that she is so confident and I especially love that she gets along with just about everyone. 

While some children have BEST friends, or a small group of really close friends, Kate is friends with everyone.  She prefers playing with the non-girly girls, but she does play with them too (she ask them if she can be their dog and they love it). She also plays with almost all the boys, except for the really rough ones. She moves between all the groups of friends at school.  

Kate is a gregarious, confident, friendly, clever, take charge kind of girl.  However, sometimes she can be a bit insensitive to the more sensitive type of friend.  And although I said above that I love her just the way she is and that I am actually quite proud of how she interacts with her world, I do think a dose of sensitivity towards others wouldn't go amiss. 

I was chatting to my BFF about this yesterday.  Should I, can I *make* Kate be more sensitive to her BF who loves her so?  Can I tell her that she HAS to play with a friend's slightly developmentally delayed child who adores her?  My BFF said I can and should as this is a life skill - through out life you sometimes have to be friendly with or nice to people you might not always want to.  She is right - sometimes you have to kiss ass or play nicely with people you would far rather give a kick up the pants.

Yesterday on the way to taking her to a play date, I decided that it was the perfect time to have a little heart to heart with Kate about this. We were alone, she had just told me she loves me up to Jesus, even past him and even up to Space (because I was taking her to a play date), it was the right moment:

Me:  Kate, you know how some people are a bit bigger than others, or faster or stronger and some people aren't?  Well, we must remember to be nice to all people, even those who aren't as clever or strong as us. 

Kate:  Am I stronger and faster and cleverer?

Me: Well, yes but not everyone is good at everything and it is important to be kind to all people, even when you sometimes don't want to play with them.  Being kind is very important. Even when you don't always feel like playing with the person, you should always be kind. (carried on a bit about being kind etc)  What do you think?

Kate:  Excuse me, can you repeat that? I fell asleep there for a minute.

Me: KATE!!! 

Kate: That is what Chowder says on TV *giggles*

Me: You are not watching any more Chowder!

Me:  And anyway, we have to be especially nice to XYZ because he is a bit sad at the moment.  Sadly his mommy and daddy have decided not to be together any more (explained a bit about divorce etc) Isn't that sad..

Kate:  Yes, that is sad...... Please PLEASE can I get a puppy*???

I laughed to myself.  That child!  Adam is SO sensitive and caring and worried about others.  Kate not so much. I am always amazed at how two children who shared a womb and who were raised pretty much the same can be so different. Adam has a best friend who he absolutely LOVES.  He wants to marry his best friend.  Kate plays with anyone who comes along.

Do you MAKE your children play with other children that they don't want to be friends with? Do you make them be friendly in the way that you think they should be friendly.  Please dont think Kate is nasty to other children, she isn't. She actually loves her BF a lot, she is just not always so sensitive to her needs. Kate is just not a one-on-one, intense kind of BF. 

I hope I have made sense in this post. I've had to change some facts here and there so that I don't upset anyone, but I hope you get the gist of my question.  

*The puppy thing - Kate is begging every day to get a puppy.  A puppy and a fish. I am leaning towards fish.

A bit of this and a bit of that

Today was the last day of school for Adam and Kate.  Our six week summer holiday has begun - six loooong weeks of 24/7 quality time. I am so excited! 

I can't believe this school year is over, it has gone by so quickly.  This was the first year of their reception phase, one more year left and then they go to 'big school' (grade 1).  I was really nervous at the start of the year - new school, new teacher... but they have absolutely thrived and blossomed this year.  I am so happy with the school they are at, such great care. Look at their sweet school photo.  My big babies.  Can you believe they will be SIX years old next month. Can you believe I have been blogging that long!

I've been a bad blogger lately. And by 'lately' I mean the past year.  Oddly enough, I've found that having a baby really cramps your style and takes up a lot of your time.  Very tiresome. Luckily I am quite fond of the baby.  Not so much between 3am and 4am this morning when he decided it was time to play.  But besides then, I quite like him.  

(Last night I was so tired, that I eventually just lay on the bed and let him play in the room. I discovered this morning that he had a 29 second conversation with my friend's mother-in-law at 3:48am.  Oops.)

Speaking of babies, I thought of you all the other day. I went into the baby shop to buy new dummies (pacifiers), I knew it was time to upgrade to the next age - 18m+.  I am very fond of those dummies and have no intention to give them up until at least age 3.  I had a moment when I laughed and thought of you. I was looking for the bottle nipples/teats or whatever you call them in size 18m+ and was most annoyed when I couldn't find them. Until I realize that Good Parents don't have their children drinking from bottles at age 18m+. Unlike me. Whose twins only gave up the bottle at age 4. CALL THE PARENTING POLICE IMMEDIATELY. 

Max is now 18m+ and has officially entered the Terrible Toddler phase. I have been expecting it and like clockwork, it arrived as we hit 18 months.  Like millions of 18 month olds before him, he has suddenly morphed from sweet baby into headstrong, obstinate, wilful little kamikaze-pilot.  He is Very, Very busy and Very, Very headstrong.  You can't tell him anything, he knows it all.  And he can do it HIMSELF.  It is actually so interesting to see the difference between a first child and a last child. He is one tough cookie, he has to be with those two as siblings.

Although I am dreading the summer break on one level (nanny going on leave + no school = very very difficult to do a full day's work), I am also looking forward to the holiday vibe.  A break from the mad school rush in the morning.

Next year we start even earlier.  Lord knows how I am going to manage that.  

Besides that, work is fine.  Busy. But busy is good. Not complaining (too much).

In other news, it was my birthday last week.  I am now 42 years young. OMG, that sounds so bloody old. 42!!  How the fuck did that happen? Wasn't I 21 year just last week or the week before? 

I don't mind getting older, I don't really care about the number, and I really, sincerely do not want to go back to the angst of my younger years, but I have to say I am kind of taken aback as to how much I seem to be ageing physically.  Do you find you age in sort of big steps?  You look and feel the same for a few years and then suddenly you seem to age really fast. I feel like the last two years I have gotten a million new wrinkles.

I considered doing Botox briefly but that means I would not only need to find an hour extra in my day, but I would have to do other stuff like wearing make up and dressing up. And I don't think I can. At this stage in my life, I have FAR more important things to do than wear make up and uncomfortable clothes.

But!!  I have decided that I will make more of an effort with what I wear.  I bought TWO dresses recently (a big change from my standard uniform of shorts and T shirts), plus two kind of trendy-yet-comfy outfits.  I even wear earrings sometime!!  

BTW - that flip flop collection wasn't the only shoes I have, I do have others. I just don't wear any of them. I recently bought a cute pair of sparkly (flat) sandals for a business trip (to go with my new trendy outfit). I lasted until the airport. My feet went into absolute revolt. I was forced to buy an emergency pair of flip flops from a shop at the airport and carry the cute sandals in my handbag.  I tried. 

Anyway, that is my very boring update for now. For the 2,5 people left who still read my blog, thank you.  I am going to endeavour to do at least a few more blog posts within the next few days.

PS Husband is fine, am still quite fond of him.