On Death Row and in Deep Trouble

I am not a very good disciplinarian. It is one of my weak points.  As you know, I hate hurting people's feelings and having to punish the very people I am committed to love and protect is a hard thing for me.  But even pushover like me can only be pushed so far. Today I was very, very cross.

 Adam and Kate were acting like total and utter brats the whole day.  In fact, not just today but for a while.  We have name Kate Portia Gibbons because she behaves like a Mean Girl ALL THE TIME.  I know I said I wouldn't label my kids but OMG!!!  KATE = PORTIA GIBBONS PERSONIFIED!!! 

Adam - well, Adam has been especially trying. When is not busy crying (ALL THE TIME), he is lashing out physically.  Today I moaned at him for doing something wrong and he slammed the shower door. I was very cross. He was extremely apologetic about it, but I was CROSS.

However, the last straw came this afternoon when I was on the phone, trying to sort out a work crisis. Adam and Kate had yet another fight and Kate punched Adam on the nose.  His nose started gushing blood. Beautiful.  

I handled it extremely well - I started yelling at them so much that my face went red, saliva sprayed everywhere and my throat was raw.  "YOU UNGRATEFUL, HORRIBLE, SELFISH BRATS, I AM SICK AND TIRED OF YOUR HORRIBLE BEHAVIOUR, THAT IS IT, YOU WILL NOW HAVE PUNISHMENT!!!!"

Punishment!  I don't often haul out 'punishment'.  In fact, I think I have done it only three times ever.  'Punishment' is being sent to your room and no TV for the rest of the night! A fate worse than death. In fact, they will choose a hiding over 'punishment'.

But 'punishment' it was. I was that cross.  They really do behave like ungrateful, selfish, horrible brats sometimes. 

And they know when they have crossed the line with me. They knew I was very cross.  They stayed in their room (together. Yes I know, I should have put them in separate rooms, but even when I am cross, I am still a bit of a wuss) for the rest of the evening. Rose brought them some supper in the room.  A while later I hear the door open and a light thud. And then the door close again.  It was their supper plates that they put outside the door.  Haha!  Like prison.

When Marko got home from work they asked for juice but he said all they were allowed was dry bread and water as they were being punished.  Kate told him that he wasn't allowed to punish her as she was already being punished.  "And anyway Dad, you are not the policeman". Defiant, even while on death row!

I sort of made up when I said goodnight.  I said we were friends again, but that I was still a bit cross with them.  They wanted to know whether the TV ban was forever or whether they could watch tomorrow.  I said it would be lifted tomorrow if they were good.  I am not holding my breath.

Motherhood - not for the faint-hearted.

PS Max not much better.  Temper tantrums starting already.  And yesterday Max bit Kate on the cheek. God, my kids are like dogs.  I obviously suck hugely at this parenting thing. Fuck.

PPS To the Parenting Police: Yes, I am sure I broke 17.5 Basic Parenting Rules in the incident above.  I don't care. Keep it to yourself.  If you think you can do it better, you are welcome to come over to my house and do it for me. You either help out or you shut the fuck up. The End.

Comments

[Joy]

"Help or STFU." LOVE IT

[Melody]

Wahahahahahaha! *stopping to breathe* wahahahahahaha.

I know. This is not helpful. But this post is farking funny sista.

You had me snorting tea through my nose at the *bread and water* stunt.

And now I will STFU! :-)

[Tania]

Thank you thank you thank YOU for making me laugh,I really needed it tonight!Mwah!

[M]

Love you T. ;-) even when you are cross x x x x

[Sandra]

This is me STFU! Only saying that "Prison Break" has already had a revival in my house and I believe is about to happen in yours too! Pity the eye candy Wenty Millar doesn't appear to soothe our shattered nerve! Yes singular, the only one we have left.

More power to you, girl! Motherhood IS NOT for sissies!

[Katherine]

Oh thank you! I was ready to strangle somebody this morning. Motherhood is not for the fainthearted indeed!

[It is what it is]

Oh, Tertia...I hear you! And I only have one strong-willed, stubborn little one who entered the terrible twos at 15 mos and I'm still waiting to full emerge at 3 1/2. Because he doesn't have siblings to take his rancor out on, he will resort to hitting or kicking or spitting at me and loves to slam door and occasionally kick walls (during particularly contentious time outs).

It so does my psyche good to read the challenges that other moms have because where I am in Southern California time - outs are considered child abuse by a large majority of hippy-dippy mothers.

Yeah for being cross and everyone lived to tell about it.

[Kathy B.]

I'm not going to comment on how you reacted today; I'm sure that every mom on the planet has lost it at one time or another. You have my sympathy for that.

I will say, though, that you created the monster(s) and it isn't going to get any better as they get older. The key to being able to disclipline children when they are older is to lay the groundwork when they are young. Setting boundaries and teaching them the fact that there are consequences to actions is all part of loving them, and it has to start very young. Babies understand more than we give them credit for.

Sorry I'm not very supportive on this subject, but it is one of my pet peeves when people never disclipline their children and then don't understand why they won't listen.

[Veronica]

I have an almost 4 yo and an 18mth old and I have lost it like you, multiple times. No advice because while we have good days, I've been rather at the end of my tether lately with my eldest. Yay for kids.

[ruth]

tertia, my first two girls were easy to manage easily controlled kids - and i was a pretty crap parent as far as my temper, routine etc - but i had no real troubles with them. they were EASY. i used to wonder why women around me were going mental with trying to manage their kids.

since having amelia, i have discovered how freaking hard it is to manage a kid who is DIFFICULT. she has 'sensitivity issues' coming out her ears, and life can be one hell struggle. constant, unremitting exhausting struggle. my husband and i have BOTH ended up in tears some nights when she is finally asleep because we were so very exhausted.

all i can say is that you do a bloody good job considering what you deal with in your own self, and also with managing their quirks, especially adam's sensitivities.

we have recently (under the direction of a dietitian with 35 years experience in this stuff) put amelia on a diet to help us figure out if she has food related issues (and yes, i have turned into my own biggest nightmare in so far as i am restricting her access to certain stuff. i am a FOOD NAZI- fuck - and it has taught me that i knew FUCK ALL when it came to this particular field of problems. I NEEDED HELP!!!!). it is helping immensely - and on the couple of days where she has eaten stuff she reacts she has turned into a demon again, reminding us how very very very hard it was to MANAGE her before this diet.

ALL kids with special and intense needs can be incredibly hard to manage.

we have an amazing book that the dietitian working with us has written, and she acknowledges that people will almost ALWAYS say that the parents just need to manage the kids better - and that the parents will be going to pieces inside because they are ALREADY doing the best they can to 'manage'. i bawled my eyes out reading that because it hit me that i was and had been struggling so very much.

since she has been on the diet, we have been able to reach her. she is sleeping through the night, she is not melting down every millisecond. she can be told not without biting, kicking, screaming. she is not hitting kids at the local playground. she is not throwing herself on the floor in a shop without warning. she is a normal (i use that word loosely!) manageable, mischievous 3 year old - and tells me she is HAPPY that she is not having 'gwumpy days.' she is the happy easy going person that was living in side a fractious, irritable, hyperactive, aggressive, shrill, busy, loud, obnoxious body.

what i want to add to your STFU message to anyone that is sitting on the sidelines, perched up on a high horse judging other parents is that until you have LIVED with a kid who is this way YOU KNOW SWEET FUCK ALL. and that your horse just shat on someone.

if you are reading this and have kids who are able to be easily managed, get on your fat self-righteous knees and kiss the ground. if you have a kid with certain issues, you could have 20 PhDs in parenting and you will STILL have difficulties, because parenting them is like dealing with someone locked away behind glass or in a bubble - they don't hear, see or feel things the way that EASY TO MANAGE kids do.

FYI . . . contrary what is said by Freud and his fellow mental patients, it is NOT ALWAYS THE MOTHER'S FAULT!!! so stop judging and start SUPPORTING (and i think you should start by INFORMING yourself about how difficult life can be with kids with special needs).

last thing - just wondering what the B after your names stands for Kathy - after reading your comment i thought it was self-evident but don't wanna speculate too wildly.

have a chardonnay on me tertia - and let ALL MOTHERS OF UNUSUALLY DEMANDING KIDS UNITE AND RULE THE WORLD.

(p.s. didn't mean to hijack your blog - but this issue really shits me and people need to get informed or get fucked)

[Lynn]

You are the freaking best! I love this - especially the ending! Way to go Tertia!!!!

[ruth]

p.s. - that comment above about the 'fat self righteous knees' was metaphorical - and aimed at people super-stuffed full of their own superior skills at child raising and looking down at those of lesser ability, not people with genuinely chubby knees like my own - no offense intended.
p.p.s. sheesh tertia - there is something about some of your posts that makes me really get my angry on - THANK YOU FOR THE OPPORTUNITY TO LET RIP!!!

[Adele]

@Ruth - I am interested in the book that your nutritionist has written. I have not children yet but very interested in nutrition and glad to hear how it has helped your daughter.

@Tertia - have your read the Gisele (the model) and her breast feeding article? Prob not since you are a busy-bee but the comments after it on every site that has the article are very interesting. She has come off as one of those mothers people that think they know it all and now preach.

Ax

[Tripsmom]

Sounds like my house - I think it is just a phase. I am FOREVER playing referee between my triplets and they are the same age as your kids, then when they go visit friends or family I always hear "your girls are so well behaved" - what the f....k MY KIDS?????

[BiancaW]

You are not alone. Thought I would just tell you that. Hannah just turned 3. Sheesh Kebab! I had forgotten how bad three was!

[Lindsay]

pick me up off the floor, i'm laughing so hard! I know it's not really funny especially when you are seeing red BUT I so identified! You are fabulous and so, so real! Love that!xxx

[ruth]

@Ax - i do a blog about amelia because both of her sets of grandparents live in NZ (we are in Australia)- this is the entry about the diet http://ameliathefirepig.blogspot.com/2010/07/elimination-diet-warning-explicit-food.html

the dietitian has a downloadable book about food sensitivity - pretty amazing reading for anyone at their wits end with unmanageable kids (or self :P) - her website is http://members.ozemail.com.au/~breakey/ . . . she has helped literally THOUSANDS of families, particularly little boys with huge behavioural problems. she also has a book on "fussy babies" which identifies food stuffs that send babies off the deep end (and their mothers follow pretty quickly).

hope you can use some of the info!

[L.]

So....you just take a deeeeeeeep breath, and remind yourself that nothing is forever, good or bad.

Wine helps dull the pain, too!

[Lindi]

Well done Tertia. Sadly you have to do those things now,coz if you dont do them now, you'll regret it when they are teenagers (and then its too late)
Lindi.

[Elaine]

Thank you for posting this one. I need to see that I'm not the only bad-mother out here!

[Wobs]

Tertia - this is not the first time and certainly won't be the last. ALL Mom's loose it from time to time. Don't be so hard on yourself. I also had a good laugh though at Kate's retort... she's not a wuss that's for sure!

[Kerry]

This post had me in stitches! And it was exactly what I needed today. I have been feeling like the worst mother in the world and was worried I was raising potential serial killers (or worse...SARS employees!!) but after reading this post, I realised that at some point we all have a moment when we turn into "mommy-monsters" and I guess, as long as the little terrors know we love them and have their best interests at heart, a little ranting and raving and punishment is okay!

[SheBee]

Dude, seriously, this is YOUR blog. Why do you care so much what the (negative) commenters say?

I fucking LOVED the plates picture. That made me giggle a lot. My mother used to send me to the room weekly. It was so annoying, but it worked (for a while).

You're a fine mother. Fuck anyone who doubts that.

[Rachel]

We discipline regularly - time-outs, no tv, no dessert - (with the occasional mis-step and inconsistency, of course) - and our children STILL misbehave. My 2.5yo is, as befits her age, mischievous and defiant. My 5yo, thought, has always been overly emotional, sensitive, anxious - a bad combo - and stills throws tantrums at the drop of a hat. We send her to her room to scream in there but we are making little, if any, progress. We're just waiting for her to grow up. Your other commenter was right - parents of easy kids have no idea.

[Anna]

OMG, dry bread and water?! That is awesome! I am not being sarcastic! Hang in there. :) hugs to you!

[birdie]

THIS is the Tertia I've been missing. Hahahaha. You're awesome.

[Anna]

Can't help. Looks like an ordinary day at my house.

[Meghan]

@ Kathy B and Lindi

Right on ladies! As a grade school teacher i see it all the time.Parents don't want to take responsibility for the little monsters they created and expect others to iron out all the wrinkles for them.

Where is it said that actually parenting children would be easy? It's hard sometimes and hard all the time others.

Enablers don't help at all......

[Meghan]

@Ruth ....Since when are Kate and Adam special needs kids?

[ruth]

@meghan - not kate so much - but Adam has always been a super challenging kid - remember when tertia posted a lot of stuff a year or two ago about adam's sensitivities? he used to (and i assume from this post where she says he was crying so much, still does) react to things in his environment more than lots of other kids do) - that's why tertia was taking him to the physical therapist (can't recall the actual title - want to call it an OTT therapist but that is just freudian slippage). that is a special needs kid. you can't handle them the same way as you do kids who don't have those overreactive tendencies. you don't need a physical or intellectual disability to be a special needs kid.

[Laura]

Been there before, actually many times this summer. My kids and I thrive on routine and with school out it has been a less than pleasant summer. There have been many of the red-faced screaming, send them to their rooms days. Hang in there!! Oh, and I LOVE your disclaimer at the end. My boys decided that they were going to have a knock down drag out fight in the library and while I was trying to get them to stop and check out at the same time the librarian chose that moment to give me parenting advice. I am a very non-confrontational person but I tore that woman a new asshole and made sure to say that if she wasn't going to help then she needed to mind her own damn business. What makes people think it is okay to butt into your parenting, especially if you are trying to fix the situation? I wasn't abusing my children so stay the hell out of my business.

Sometimes kids are just assholes and all you can do is hang on to your sanity. :)

[Laura]

Katie B and Meghan-

I regularly discipline my children (don't let them run wild at all because I have worked in Education) and guess what, sometimes my boys still misbehave! Shocking. I think your comments were less than helpful.

[Lena]

I admire moms of multiples. I have one 17m LB and it is challenging enough. And I believe twins are more than double the "work/effort".

The Gisele article also irritated me.

It is hard to try and discipline your children and not suffocate their little spirits and personalities. Home should be a place of love and fun, not a military camp. And even people who are soooo strict on their kids have "little monsters" every now and then. Otherwise they won't be kids.

I love to share in your life. I think your kids might be naughty/bratty some of the time, BUT they are VERY cute and clever.

[Janet]

It's so jolly easy to pass judgement, but I can RELATE EXACTLY to how you felt just then. I am sitting with a sick mother, who is NOT behaving logically and NOT eating, just closes her mouth like a naughty little girl, and I feel that FRUSTRATION!! Only my punishment with Nan would be to force her to eat a banana sundae! Don't lose your sense of humour - it helps!

[Helene]

Excellent post! I find that most mothers pretend that all is fine, but we all know that nothing pushes our buttons like our own children. We all loose it at times and are therefore not in a position to judge at all. Thank you for sharing this, Tertia

[victoria]

"If you think you can do it better you are welcome to come to my house and do it for me." Brilliant! This is my new motto.

[Caroline]

You should do what my mother did enroll them in classes and program alllllll summer long.I never had a summer to just lay around and chill.

I was a campfire girl,girl scout,brownie and a sunflower girl.I went to swim camp,music camp, wilderness camp.Took cooking classes and sewing classes.Then plain old summer camp,which was almost like school but the classes where freelancey artsy activities.

By eight grade I was begging for mercy not to go to another camp and promised to be do stuff around the house.

[Candice]

Come on Darling, you can't be THAT bad, remember, Kristin wants to come and live with you!!!!

[Stefanie]

You make me laugh! LOL I'm always glad to know it's not just my kids! My 14 yr old is grounded from her phone and internet at the moment. She is going through withdraws. LOL But, texting a boy for 5 hours in the middle of the night ain't gonna cut it.

I would give you advice on the biting - as my pediatrician gave me but your followers would freak. So, you're on your own on that one. OH - I will tell you the daycare would wipe off the biters mouth with white vinegar to "get rid of the germs." Lot of good that did with my dd - she loved it.

[Tania]

I think you handeled it famously!!!!! Trust me I have ONE almost 8 yr old (two weeks till 8) as I posted on FB last night "8 is the new 15"!!! OMG! I told her this AM(she hadn't even been up 15 mins at his point and had already started whinning,crying,complaining......being a brat)(yes I do love her...LOL) before her great grampy came to get her (summer break here) that she was indeed acting like a spoiled brat.....and that, that, that in fact she was a spoiled brat!!! I love my daughter more then life, we joke that she is my million dollar baby!!! (it took some help to conceive her..LOL) but this attitude (her friends are the same way...LOL) is killim me!! lol

[Tania]

Oh about the bitting...my ped gave me the followin advice "put hot suace on her tongue" or "bit her back" (Yes I do realize people are gonna have issues with both) and ummmm, we did both, she LOVED the hot sauce....LOL but once I bite her back, the bitting was done with!!! :)

[ruth]

i got my almost 2 1/2 year old to bite HERSELF . . . gently and without bullying her, just asked her to see what it felt like. it hurt. she cried. she doesn't bite anyone any more. they HAVE to LEARN empathy - as in - what stuff feels like for other people!

[Minna]

Amen ruth, amen! (And throwing more amens at you for you comment to meghan regarding who is a special needs child. )(Not that I am a very religious person.. :P) As a mother to an extremely challenging Asperger & ADHD son, I KNOW what you are talking about. My child gets consequences, yet he still behaves badly. My, how can that be, especially when intellectually he's normal or above?

Thanks to T for a very funny post! You're doing good at this "mothering - not for the faint hearted" thingy!

Ok, now I STFU!