So Close

Blogging about your children and when its time to stop

Unless you have a password protected blog with the password known only to you, if you blog - you share.  Some bloggers share a little of their lives with others, others (like me) over-share the minutiae of our daily existence to anyone who will sit still long enough to listen (read).

Even before my kids were born, I blogged about them. In fact, while they were still a positive balance in my bank account and a un-consituted vial of Gonal-F, I blogged about them.  When they were babies, I blogged about them. When they were toddlers, I blogged about them.  There were some of you who expressed concern (<-putting it politely) about what I was doing, but after thinking about it carefully, I felt comfortable that I wasn't compromising their needs with my need to share. I said that I would stop sharing when I felt it was time to stop sharing.

That time has come sooner than I thought.

I will still blog about my kids and how crazy they drive me sometimes, but I am increasingly reluctant to share things about them that might make them feel uncomfortable one day.  Normal day to day stuff, fine. Anything personal or particular to their individual personalities, unfortunately no longer.  I am very aware of the danger of labelling my children, even unintentionally. 

It's a pity for me, in a way. There are many things I would like to share with you so that I might ask your advice.  But I am concerned that as teenagers or young adults my children might feel uncomfortable reading these things, or having others read these things about them.

I have no doubt that when my children have children of their own (hopefully!!), nothing I could say about them now will cause them angst.  As a parent, they will know and understand that all of this is normal parenting / children stuff.  But unfortunately, they have to get through the teenage years first.  And as a teenager, there is MORE enough opportunity for the angst, I certainly don't need to provide any more fodder.

As I said, it is a huge pity for me. Its all normal ages and stages stuff.  Nothing to be terribly worried about, but there is so much I want to ask you!!!  Arrgghhh!  I have to resort to the good old fashioned method of asking for advice from my mother, the teacher and my real life friends.  Damn. You were such a good source of assvice.

PS Luckily Maxie Boy is still a baby, so he is fair game.  If (when) he poops in the agapanthus, you will be the first to know.

PPS Wow, that was a nostalgic trip down memory lane reading the agapanthus post. Times goes by so quickly, I can't believe that was three years ago already.  My babies get big so quickly :-(

Testing, testing 123... Is this

Testing, testing 123... Is this thing on?

For some or other unbelievably annoying reason, I can't post blog updates through the mobile app thingy. I click on update post and nothing happens. It makes me want to hurt my Blackberry. Which just shows you how upset it makes me as I love my BB very, very much. I go to sleep each night with my BB in my arms. True story. I have actually fallen asleep / passed out and woken a few hours later with my BB still in my hand, thumb poised on the trackball.

So anyway, apparently I can post via email. Let's see how it works. Would be fabulous if it did work so that all that 'dead time' I have whilst eating / sleeping / commuting / having sex (ONLY JOKING!!) could be spent multi tasking and updating the blog.

For example, last night I spent almost 3 hours doing the most ineffectual attempt at sleep training ever. While I was busy picking him up, not picking him up, giving him water, going in the room, not going in the room, sitting on the floor in the middle of winter, with my hand through the slats of the cot, patting his back saying 'ssshhh, dudu', freezing my ass off....well, I could have spent that time more productively and shared my woes with my blog readers and not just my long suffering FB and twitter friends.

Can you believe I typed this whole post on my BB! It better fucking post properly or else I will be very cross.
Sent via my BlackBerry from Vodacom - let your email find you!

Honesty is the scariest policy

I think I might be having a mid-life crisis or something.  I am having strange urges.  Not for fancy sports cars, young lovers or trips to Europe - instead I have urges to tell people how I really feel.  

This is huge for me!  I am about as anti-confrontational as a __________ (<--insert very extremely anti-confrontational thing here). I would FAR rather keep the peace and count to 10 / accept the situation / give in / suck it up than confront the person or situation.  Why? Because I am so scared I will hurt the other person's feelings.  Yes, I am that much of a wuss.  Even with people I don't really like or who dislike me, I would far rather keep my thoughts to myself than say it as it is and potentially hurt their feelings.

I have a million excuses:  it is not that bad / they don't really mean to do it / maybe my expectations are too high / it is not intentional blah blah blah.  This wussy, non-confrontational approach has served me well for that last 41 years.  If it ain't broke (much), then why fix it? They are happy, I am only mildly and occasionally unhappy - what's the big deal!

Well, it isn't a big deal. Not really. Mostly. Except that lately I have the urge to tidy things up.  To sort out the nagging lose ends that exist in my life.  To say 'maybe he/she didn't really mean it that way, but actually.... that's not good enough'.  That thing you always say / do / don't do, that isn't good enough for me - this is how I really feel.....

Eeeekkk! Anxious feeling - pass the wine!

I had lunch with a friend recently, a man - and I was amazed at how logical he was about having to confront someone he liked about something they had done wrong. I was dying all sorts of deaths thinking about how hurt this person would feel when confronted but my friend simply said 'what the person is doing is wrong, and I need to tell them that'. 

I need to be more like that.  I think I need to man-up a bit and tell it like it is.

Tuesday.  I will start on Tuesday.  Tuesday the 01st. Tuesday the 01st of December. Tuesday the 01st of December 2022.

Or maybe a bit sooner, depending on how brave I feel. I might just have a glass of wine instead and wait for the feeling to pass.

PS it isn't you, its me!

PPS can we still be friends?

PPPS pass the wine anyway.

PPPPS To distract you from this outpouring of confrontational mid-life crisis stuff, here is a pic Adam took of Kate and I yesterday.  

 

Bon Voyage to the Fockers

My parents left yesterday morning at Sparrows Fart for their six week long trip across South Africa and into Botswana.  I miss them so much already!!!  

This has been a dream of my dad's for so long and when he had his heart attack and stroke last year, six months after my mother's cancer diagnosis he decided ENOUGH - time to realize his dream.  

He has been planning this trip for over six months.  He has packed and repacked the Jeep and RV fan a million times. He has spent a shit load of money on gadgets and tents and sleeping bags and all sorts of camping things.

I am not sure what he is more excited about though, going on his dream trip or having my mother all to himself for SIX whole weeks!! No kids or grand-kids to take his darling wife away from him.

Bon Voyage dear Fockers - be sensible, dont take chances, hold your head up high, remember your name, pack a sensible cardi, make sure you are wearing decent underwear and don't do anything I wouldn't do.  Love you and miss you!!

More pics here

 

Maxie boy

Look how big my baby has got!

(Real post coming soon, promise)

 

 

 
 
 

Karate kids

  
 

Get that vuvuzela out of my food

I did a Facebook status update today that elicited quite a few entertaining responses, so I thought I would carry it over to my blog. 

Tertia Loebenberg Albertyn Listed under: Things I never thought I would say one day: "get that vuvuzela out of my food"

I am often amused when I find myself saying things that I could never have imagined I would say one day ('stop sucking on my printer', 'please tie my tubes', 'fine, but just don't wake me'*). I would love to hear some of your recent ones. Share!

*That last one was a joke.  Kind of.

Is it ok to lie to your kids?

When describing my parenting style, I could use words like 'strict', 'disciplinarian', 'take charge', 'consistent', 'authoritarian', 'tough', 'no-nonsense', 'firm'....except that I would be lying.  If I had to describe my parenting style, words like 'wussy', 'pushover', 'total softy' would be more appropriate.  I aspire to the former, I default to the latter.  So take this from where it comes.

I want to know from you, is it ok to lie to your children?  

Big lies, hurtful lies, horrible lies and dangerous lies are wrong.  I think most of us will agree. But I am talking about small lies, 'white' lies, 'innocent' lies..... lies that you tell your children because it is easier (on you), because it is faster / simpler / better for them.

For example, your five year old remembers at five to 5 that you said you would buy her a new colouring-in book today.  You realize that DAMN! you did promise to get her a new colouring in book today but quite honestly, you would rather have a red hot poker shoved up your bum than gather all three kids, lock all the doors, take off your sweatpants and put on decent clothes and some shoes, wave away the wine breath and drive to the shops to get the promised colouring in book.

Do you tell a little white lie and say "oh rats! The shop has already closed, we will go tomorrow morning first thing and get the colouring-in book" (knowing full well that is not going to go down well with your five year old for whom tomorrow might as well be SEVENTEEN MONTHS AWAY but it will at least mean you don't have to leave the house), or do you face up to the truth and say "sorry my darling, mommy forgot to go today. We will go tomorrow" (knowing full well your five year old will say I DONT WANT TO WAIT UNTIL TOMORROW, YOU PROMISED I COULD GET IT TODAY! I WANT TO GO NOW!)

I could name numerous examples. But the bottom line is, is it ok to take the easy option by telling a small white lie (the shop is closed. there are no more cookies left. yes, it really is bedtime already), or should we be facing the music by telling the truth.

I am a terrible liar. I hate lies and I lie badly. It is not for any particularly moral or righteous reason, but mostly because I suck at deceit and because having to continue with the pretence makes me anxious.  But in the case of my children, I feel that I have a trust relationship with them and by lying, I am somehow abusing that trust.  

Marko has no such qualms.  He will quite happily say "oh sorry guys, the shop is already closed, we will go tomorrow". And that is it. Not too much fuss or drama (maybe a small stomp of the foot or whine, but mostly just acceptance and moving on).  With me, I feel their little eyes burning into my soul with the unspoken question "mother, are you telling the truth or are you taking advantage of the trust we place in you to protect us and look after our best interests?  Can we trust you with this, dear mother? Is that shop really closed or are you bullshitting us? IF YOU CAN LIE ABOUT THIS, WHAT DOES IT MEAN ABOUT ANYTHING YOU EVER TELL US IN FUTURE???"

See. I have issues.  

And yet, maybe I am hypocritical.  I tell the kids that Father Christmas exists and so does the Tooth Fairy who uses the teeth to build her castle.  But, to be honest, even that doesn't sit too comfortably with me.  I will carry on with the fantasy for as long as they want to, but when they ask me if it is really true, I am going to tell them the truth.  

Lies make me anxious.  I would far rather tell the truth and deal with the consequences now than to delay the pain and risk the disappointment and hurt of being found out.

I am laying it on a bit thick, I obviously understand the need to tell some lies.  There are lies that protect us from hurt and they are very necessary.  This post is not about those lies, but instead about the lies we tell our kids because they are easier to deal with than dealing with the truth.  The small white lies about there being no cookies left or the shop being closed.

Are those lies ok?  What do you think?  

I am going to ask my friend-in-the-computer Moxie to do a blog post about it on her blog Ask Moxie.  As soon as it is up, I will add the link.

Also, for the shy types - here is a poll:

SWC2010 - Very proudly South African

There was a time when I was ashamed to be a South African.  When I travelled overseas, I pretended to be from another country. I was ashamed to be associated with a country that had so much to be ashamed about. I loved the land, I hated the legacy.  

In 1990, I started gaining pride in this country when Nelson Mandela was freed.

In 1992, I was proud to vote YES to end apartheid in the referendum

In 1994, I stood for hours in a queue to vote in the first free and fair democratic elections in South Africa. I was finally proud to be South African

In 1995, South Africa hosted (and then won!!) the Rugby World Cup. At the time, I was on business in Botswana.  I was heart broken not to be in my country to be part of the amazing vibe afterwards.

It isn't easy living in South Africa.  There is poverty, there is crime.  Lots of crime. And lots of poverty. And yes, there is corruption and xenophobia and AIDS and and and.... but there is also hope and joy and freedom and equal rights and beauty (lots and lots of beauty) and space and then there is the Soccer World Cup 2010.

Never before have I been prouder to be a South African. South Africa is in the most amazing place right now, I dont think ever before in our history has their been more enthusiasm and passion and unity. The vibe is AMAZING!!  We did it!  It is not over yet (only three more games to go *sob*) but so far we have hosted a very, VERY successful soccer world cup. I AM SO PROUD!!

There were so many who doubted us. There were so many who were too scared to come.  But we did it and we did it well!

This was huge for us.  I was SO nervous leading up to the first few matches.  Every bit of negative press (the vuvuzelas were too loud! there were too few toilets on the fan walk! OMG, the weather! It was too cold and rainy!) was like a knife through me.  I took it so personally, I so badly wanted us to do well. I wanted the world to know that although we are African (and therefore somehow not quite as civilized), although we are not rich and powerful like many other Western countries; we are capable, we are competent and we can deliver.  I wanted the world to like us.  However, as the World Cup draws to an end, I realize that more important than the world liking us is that through this World Cup we have realized that WE like us.  We like each other and we love our country, and for most of us, we are so very, very proud to be South African.

I don't know what us South Africans are going to do when the world cup draws to an end. No more soccer??? For the last few weeks we have lived, eaten, drank, consumed soccer.  It has been a magical ride. What an honour and a privilege to have experienced hosting a world cup.  I am so proud of our country.  Well done all!

 

(Oh, forgot to add: Hup Holland Hup!!)

There has been lots and lots of press about it, but the two links below caught my attention,

Blank Spaces Fill World Cup’s Crime Scorecard

A cataclysmic wave of violent crime in South Africa, the fear of so many World Cup killjoys, has simply not occurred. http://www.nytimes.com/2010/07/07/world/africa/07safrica.htm

Boston Big Picture

http://www.boston.com/bigpicture/2010/06/preparing_for_the_world_cup.html

http://www.boston.com/bigpicture/2010/06/halfway_in_-_2010_world_cup.html

Guess how much fun I am having?

Rose (the nanny) had to take a week's leave on short notice. She left on Sunday.  I have decided to use this time to get Max to sleep through the night (haha!) in his cot.  No more co-sleeping (he wasn't doing much sleeping with the 'co' bit).  No night time bottle anymore. And I am going to move him from two naps to one.  Oh, and he is now sick (snotty, which means he can't suck his dummy and breathe).  Plus I think he is teething.  Plus Marko has gone to soccer tonight. Plus Adam has a splinter which I can't get out (and as we all know, Adam is THE biggest wuss ever).  Plus I had a very important meeting in town today that I could not miss.  Plus I have a business to run.  Did I mention I have no nanny?

All I can say is THANK GOODNESS for my mother and my father who are helping me out where ever they can.

The joys of being a working mom ;-)