Honesty is the scariest policy

I think I might be having a mid-life crisis or something.  I am having strange urges.  Not for fancy sports cars, young lovers or trips to Europe - instead I have urges to tell people how I really feel.  

This is huge for me!  I am about as anti-confrontational as a __________ (<--insert very extremely anti-confrontational thing here). I would FAR rather keep the peace and count to 10 / accept the situation / give in / suck it up than confront the person or situation.  Why? Because I am so scared I will hurt the other person's feelings.  Yes, I am that much of a wuss.  Even with people I don't really like or who dislike me, I would far rather keep my thoughts to myself than say it as it is and potentially hurt their feelings.

I have a million excuses:  it is not that bad / they don't really mean to do it / maybe my expectations are too high / it is not intentional blah blah blah.  This wussy, non-confrontational approach has served me well for that last 41 years.  If it ain't broke (much), then why fix it? They are happy, I am only mildly and occasionally unhappy - what's the big deal!

Well, it isn't a big deal. Not really. Mostly. Except that lately I have the urge to tidy things up.  To sort out the nagging lose ends that exist in my life.  To say 'maybe he/she didn't really mean it that way, but actually.... that's not good enough'.  That thing you always say / do / don't do, that isn't good enough for me - this is how I really feel.....

Eeeekkk! Anxious feeling - pass the wine!

I had lunch with a friend recently, a man - and I was amazed at how logical he was about having to confront someone he liked about something they had done wrong. I was dying all sorts of deaths thinking about how hurt this person would feel when confronted but my friend simply said 'what the person is doing is wrong, and I need to tell them that'. 

I need to be more like that.  I think I need to man-up a bit and tell it like it is.

Tuesday.  I will start on Tuesday.  Tuesday the 01st. Tuesday the 01st of December. Tuesday the 01st of December 2022.

Or maybe a bit sooner, depending on how brave I feel. I might just have a glass of wine instead and wait for the feeling to pass.

PS it isn't you, its me!

PPS can we still be friends?

PPPS pass the wine anyway.

PPPPS To distract you from this outpouring of confrontational mid-life crisis stuff, here is a pic Adam took of Kate and I yesterday.  

 

Comments

[Shelli NT]

I am so with you. Keep thinking about what a friend of mine said about the difference between peace-making and peace-keeping. Women often just try and keep the peace to avoid confrontation - and end up never "making" peace ... hence the bitter and twistedness later on in life. I say "go for it!"

[Tertia]

Shelli - wise words. I must be more of a peace-maker than a peace-keeper.

[Lynese]

Have nothing of any value to add. Am a peace keeper all the way....feel all the resulting resentment coupled with the irritation with myself for being such a wuss. Hate it! It has become more of an issue as I get older and am confronted with situations in my work and personal life.
Having to tell someone that I feel unhappy because of their behaviour....urgh, feel anxious already.
Have improved though, baby steps.

Look out for that over confident, cocky, in your face honest granny at the retirement home....surely I will have got it together by then?

[Marcia (123 blog)]

Please please please tell me what your Myers Briggs is - are you by any chance an F?

I'm busy blogging a series on Motherstyles on my blog (have done first 3 letters already) and the last one I did (F vs T) tells me you're an F.

Am I right? LOL

[Charis]

Recommend "Boundaries" by Cloud and Townsend. The authors write from a Christian perspective, but the material is universally applicable (meaning, you can easily sift out the religious elements and still end up with the main gist of the book). These concepts have been life-changing for me.

[ruth]

sorry to get all ageist on your ageing ass, but i read somewhere that this is an age-related thing in women - our hormones change, and the ones the make us act all 'feminine' and 'peacekeepingy' decline as we head towards perimenopause, while the more masculine ones - androgens INCREASE.

so we say stuff and do stuff we wouldn't have done when we were younger. we care LESS about keeping the peace and more about saying our PIECE.

don't fight it - its just a stage. just work on your diplomacy - you know - a diplomat is someone who can tell someone else to go to hell in such a way that the tellee looks FORWARD TO THE TRIP. and if the diplomacy doesn't work out, you can just blame early onset dementia and say you forgot.

[Katherine]

I am actually a fairly confrontational person, but over the years, I've come to realize that it's not actually my job to tell everybody how to behave. My kid, sure, and my husband, oh yeah, but sometimes people decide, "Oh, it's time to tell people how I really feel, I need to express myself!" and it doesn't go well - I think cutting others some slack isn't a bad idea, or working around whatever limitation there is.

I'm NOT advocating being a doormat or accepting bad treatment... but sometimes a head-on confrontation won't help matters.

[Tripsmom]

I am normally the peace keeper aka doormat, and recently I have also found myself blurting out things like "no actually, this does not suit me" or like last week I invited girl friends for "tea" as it was my birthday and one of my friends wanted to bring her kids with (mine were off on a exciting day trip with daddy as a present to mommy). For the first time I actually voiced my opinion and asked her to please make other arrangements with her children as I dont want children at my party - the guilt lasted 10 minutes. WOW it felt soooo good. You go girl - say your say! It must be an forties thing as I am now 43.

[Fii]

Yep, you sound a lot like me... a few years ago! Haha. I used to take the path of least resistance, smile nicely, nod politely, and bottle up my real opinion.

And then something changed. I don't know what, but it did. Maybe it's age (I'm hurtling towards 47) or simply that I don't have time to waste on niceties any more.

However, one thing I have added (like a hefty shot of vodka) to the more-blunt-me is a sense of 'encounter'. Greeting and chatting with shop assistants, clerks, service people. Anyone who I come across. Get 'em to laugh with me if I am overly-blunt...it's amazing how people respond. And even the most-sullen looking person gets a wry smile on their face when you take the pi$$ (of them or yourself).

And sometimes you get a 'shot of life' in return, learning something new or seeing another's point of view.

[SheBee]

Listen lady, I've met you in person and you're not exactly short. So Kate clearly takes after you, which means that right about now, your kid is about my height.

Sob :(

When you settle on a date let me know and I'll also start confronting on that day. I suck at it too.

[Jayne]

Interesting reading thank you its so refeshing

[bc]

About 3 years ago I had a life threatening scare and, once I had recovered, felt a great yearning to make peace with those that I felt I had hurt or mistreated in any way - luckily there weren’t too many :) Perhaps the need was a selfish one but I feel that saying “I’m sorry” is powerful (not only for the person giving it, but also for the person receiving it). I just wanted to know that if I (or any of my family) bumped into them it would not be a tense or unpleasant experience… that we could smile and greet each in an adult / amicable manner and walk away without any heaviness in our hearts (or theirs). After approaching them, it would seem that even after so many years some people prefer to hold on to their anger / grudges / misunderstandings because it is what they know. It would seem that it is easier, or maybe they just feel more comfortable holding onto it than actually giving others the benefit of the doubt - or believing that people learn, change & grow. Confrontation is never an easy task and I think not many go into it willingly… sometimes there isn’t a success story – just a realization that sometimes it works for you & sometimes it works against you. Even when it comes with the very best intentions! So here’s to peace making and lots of chardonnay!

[Marina]

I'm exactly like you! I moan like hell about a situation or someone, but don't have the "balls" to say how I feel to the person causing my distress. I hate that about myself and wish I could change it. But alas. Maybe when I get to 40 I'll change too, something to look forward to :)

[Beth G.]

Very cute pic of you and Kate, and what a fantastic little photographer Adam is! I'm the direct opposite of you, Tertia. I have been very willing to confront any situation immediately rather than wait and stew about it. Now that I am old, I feel less apt to jump right in. My midlife Wuss-Crisis!

[Joy]

I have been the person on the other end of the peace-keeper. I have been the people whom the people-pleasers seek to please. I seem to attract peacekeepers and it's not healthy for me either. I can usually feel that something is not right, and often end up feeling like a selfish turd when I get my way too easily, even if I don't quite know why. So ... perhaps consider that, when you are ready, establishing stronger boundaries isn't just going to benefit you. You may be inviting a healthier dynamic into some of your interactions, and even if the other person isn't aware of this, he or she will probably benefit from it. just my 2 cents

[Dana]

I am not exactly a peace keeper; I say what I have to say when I feel the need (that is also part of my job and why I am good at it). I do not feel the inclination the tell everyone how to behave (on the contrary) but if someone is doing something wrong to my family or myself, he/she better be prepared for my sword-like tongue! Your friend is right "if someone is doing something wrong we need to tell her/him"!! Who cares about their feelings; wrong is wrong! Deal with the consequences of your actions. Otherwise, they think their actions are ok...
So, I would say, go your instincts now! (before they go away...)

[Adele]

I suggest if you feel the need to confront, be direct and to the point. Don't waste time pretending that it is because you want to catch up and be best buddies. Be honest about why you want to talk to them. Otherwise it is just so fake and brings no purpose.

Also I guess you need to really figure out how big a deal each one is individually and can any be let go without confrontation. Depends how many on your list. Or perhaps you are talking about one big event.

All the best!