What would you or Jesus do?

Actually, I am more interested in what you would do because I think I am a lot more like you than I am like Jesus. (Although apparently Jesus and I share a fondness for wine, we do seem to have a fair amount in common then)

What would you do if someone did something really wrong towards you, something that was unequivocally wrong.  The person abused your trust and betrayed you.  And you had the opportunity to expose them in a way that would get them into trouble for what they did.  Would you do it?  Would you invest the (negative) energy that it would take to expose them or would you walk away?

I am in that situation at the moment, and I am not sure what to do.  99% of the time when something like this happens, I walk away. Being a naturally anxious person, I am extremely reluctant to add even the slightest bit more anxiety to my life and taking revenge / getting someone back / exposing them would make me very anxious. Actually any negative energy makes me anxious.  (actually, everything makes me anxious!)

As an example, those who have been reading this blog for a while might remember a little spat I once had with another blogger.  In a nutshell, this person was really nasty to me, completely unprovoked. She said and did a whole lot of ugly things that really hurt and upset me.  I exposed her for what she did which resulted in quite a severe backlash (for her).  She had to close her blog down and lay low for a while. And you know what, I still feel bad for her.  Even though she was really horrible to me and even though I didn't do anything to her myself, I still worry about whether she felt hurt, or whether she was sad. Still today.  I am an asshole.

I have been in many other situations where people have done me wrong, but I have never taken revenge.  Even when someone is horrible to me, I just can't be deliberately nasty or horrible back. Not because I am a good person or because of any moral / ethical reason, but because i feel other people's hurt/shame/embarrassment/pain so keenly, even when that someone else is someone really horrible. I feel bad for everyone. It is actually quite exhausting.

But this time I am really cross. I am cross because I trusted this person, took them on their word and they lied and betrayed me.  I am so pissed off about it.  It has cost me dearly. I have the opportunity to expose them, but even thinking about it makes me anxious.  Do I waste my precious time on this?  So I was taken for an (expensive) ride, just write it off as a lesson learnt.  Except - aarrgghh!  I can't believe this person lied and cheated and abused my trust!

This is the longest I have ever deliberated about a situation like this. I hate that I have wasted three weeks of my life thinking about this.  I have written to the person, telling them how disappointed I am, giving them the opportunity to make it right, but they are ignoring me, hiding from me.  It wont be hard to expose them, to track them down.  I am *this* close to going public on this, to shaming this person publicly. But do I want to go there? Aarrgghhh!!! 

What should I do?  What would you do? Would you pursue getting justice?  Would you invest the energy it took to expose them? Or would you write off to experience and just move on with your life. Do you take revenge and if so, does it make you feel better? Or do you just feel worse afterwards? 

Comments

[lindsayc]

Call them out. It usually makes me feel better and warns others.

[Jenae]

Don't think of it as getting revenge. Think of it as standing up for yourself, and possibly others they have done this to. Stand up so they can't do this to even more people.

[queermommy]

agreed. call them out. if they didn't feel the need to be honest or ethical, then you have no need to censor their actions. go for it.

[Egghunt.wordpress.com]

I don't think i've ever commented on your blog, which is strange as i've been following you for eons.

In your last paragraph you say "would you write off to experience and just move on with your life". I think if you COULD do this then you would have done it by now. Probably the only way you are going to get closure is by confonting this person, why should they get the satisfaction of making you feel like a sucker? You definately deserve better than that. Try as hard as you can to just think of the facts and take the emotional stuff out of the equation (yes, probably impossible, but try to think like a man) and yes it will be difficult but you might just stop this idiot from making other people feel the same way you do.
I completly get your desciption of exhaustion when you talk about taking on other peoples emotions, I do that too and it makes these sorts of situation so much harder, but not impossible. Go get that fool!

[D.]

I wouldn't call them out to get even, I'd expose them in case other people who are as or more vulnerable than you were also taken in, and to keep other people from being abused. Sometimes you have to be the bad guy in order to make things better for other people who are too scared to.

[MB]

I agree with the posters above. I would do it because if they did a same/similar thing to someone else, I would feel badly for not exposing them, and possibly preventing someone else from getting hurt/lose money or time, etc. I hate confrontation as well, but I have found that it feels very empowering when I do take someone on for the right reasons.

Good luck with your decision.

[Egg Donor (ret)]

I'd take the opportunity. I also tend to let things go, but there are still two things in my past for which, if I had the chance, I would want to do something. In fact, in one of those cases I had a roommate who was evil, nasty, abusive. Eventually, it got physical and I had to call the cops and move out. I could have made life a real bitch for the roommate, both professionally and financially. I decided to take the high road and didn't, and he stuck it to me again costing me a lot of money and opportunities. I still regret NOT taking my revenge (12 years later) because really, in not doing it, I just made myself look weaker and be taken advantage of again. Furthermore, it showed the roommate that he could get away with whatever he wanted without consequence, and he probably did similar things again. Jenae got it right - stick up for yourself. If you were going to be ok with letting it go, you would have moved on by now.

[21stCenturyMom]

I'm with the others who suggest calling this person our if you think s/he might be a danger to others. If not then I would write the nastiest, most scathing email in the world - and then I would hit delete and let it go.

You are the only one who knows if this lying, cheating bastard of a human being might cause pain to others or if it was just you and your situation.

[heather g]

Although the temptation is there I personally wouldn't. I doubt it would make you feel much better and it could turn ugly. You have communicated with the person so they know how you feel (I don't even the guts to do that normally). However, if you think there is a chance other people could be hurt/taken advantage of by this person then you should do something. But is there some way you can do this without personally getting involved ie is it a professional matter where there is a disputes process.
A life well lived is the best revenge.

[bex]

If you think exposing them would prevent them from betrying someone else in the future - you should consider it. Balance it with the severity of the betrayal, your level of emotional energy and the probability that your actions may protect others. MHO.

[Melissa]

I'm usually like you as well. Let it go but if it's been bothering you for weeks, it might be time to oust them if it could happen to someone else.

[Fiona]

I use this as my yard stick: could I possibly be protecting someone else from being hurt/used/abused in the future? If the answer is yes (even tentatively), then I take action. If that is not your concern, then do a cost-benefit analysis for you personally.

[Kez]

I agree with most of the commenters here. If exposing this person might make them think twice about their actions in the future, it's worth it. You can't stop yourself getting hurt, but you might be able to protect others.

[sabrina]

You never know if/when this person will do something terrible to someone else. And telling people about your experience is a GOOD thing. That person has to take ownership of their words/deeds and if you "exposing" that persons actions makes them look bad, then perhaps they ARE bad and your information could stop someone else from having whatever was done to you, done to them. Golly none of that made sense. Um.... I'd tattle.

[Jb]

I like the protect others argument...I also think that someone said you waited 3 weeks...whats Marco think of it? anyone else you told (everything) that you trust? sounds like a tough one...

[Lisa]

Honestly as much as it might feel good at the moment to expose the person, to do so purely out of revenge would make you feel worse in the long run.

The only reasons to expose the person would be if there was a chance that you could stop other people from getting hurt in the same way you did, or if you had to continue to associate with this person and your own reputation was on the line with friends/coworkers/family. Otherwise, if there are no lasting implications for you in terms of needing to defend your reputation, and if you couldn't prevent someone else from being taken advantage of, I would probably just let it go.

[ruth]

i believe in consequences, and also in speaking the truth (calmly and respectfully, not all out shouting and screaming sessions) as often as possible so that i am not bottling up negative emotions. if the situation is serious enough (and many are NOT!) people need to learn about the way their behaviour impacts others, plus the actions of this person are STILL hurting you and will continue to do so until you resolve it in the way best for you.

generally, anger is a secondary emotion, in that it comes up in response to deep feelings of hurt and sadness that are sometimes not so comfortable to experience OR to express. and it is those feelings of hurt that are making you so unhappy about this - and it is the expression of those, rather than sheer rage, that will help you resolve this.

try and confront the person themselves first, and be open and honest with them about how you have been affected and how you are still feeling. be specific in detailing what they did, how you feel, and what (if anything) you would like them to do to fix it. that way you have got off YOUR chest those negative obseesive feelings and thoughts (hopefully!).

if they own up and apologise sincerely, offering reparation (if appropriate) then weigh up if you can forgive them yet - or sometime in the future. however, this is when it is up to YOU to recover emotionally. only you can make you feel better - or to keep on obsessing over the hurt. if the person has stopped what they were doing and apologised and made some sort of compensation, then the ball is in your court baby . . .

if they deny, lie, distort the situation , or just generally refuse to admit that they have done anything to hurt you, then think about what the impact on others will be if you don't speak more openly. will anyone else get ripped off, hurt, cheated by this person if not warned?

to speak to others BEFORE going to the actual person is passive aggressive behaviour that wont really affect them, but WILL affect you and people you talk to, and it won't help resolve your harmful feelings in any way, particularly if the third party launches into a general bitch session and then tells even more people. that is behaviour that belongs on the schoolground. adults deal like adults.

think about what you want before you launch into anything. how dignified and graceful do you want this all to be? do you still want the person in your life if they admit what they have done and are really sorry? do you want a feud situation in your group of friends and associates with people taking sides and gossiping about the situation? while having a bitch about someone can be lovely, it never really resolves anything and just leaves residual hurt in the air around you - and that hurt builds up over time so you are stifled by your own wounded feelings.

plus, your kids need to see a good role model of conflict resolution in action, learning that settling crappy situations is possible without throwing toys, biting, or throwing oneself on the floor and screaming.

whatever you do, clear the air somehow, with the aim of healing your own hurt, but also maybe wising the person up to their bastardliness. a true friend speaks the truth, even if it is hurtful. your may stop this person from making things worse for themselves and others . . .

completely off subject, i have a deep and painful memory of the first time the new SA under Nelson Mandela won the Rugby World Cup. i had a group of kiwis and SA's at my house in the wee small hours of the morning, and oh my lord did those SA's do a victory dance around my lounge. it HURT like SHIT! now i see there is a movie about it - and i am TORN. i imagine that many fellow kiwis in movie theaters will be facing a similar dilemma . . . while that victory was a great achievement in terms of your country becoming healthier and more equitable, at the same time WE LOST . . . and can i man up enough to go and see it when the shame of that loss is still beating in my chest

he he, even as i write it i know i will, but oh GOD it is painful, and just goes to show that each of us has some seriously pathetic areas of weakness!

[Alicia]

When I get involved in a confrontation, regardless of how right I might be, I wind up a million times more stressed than before.

I think we're missing a lot of key information.

--Would confronting/exposing this person get you your money back, or create a way that whatever happened can be atoned for?

--Would confronting/exposing this person save others from going through what you've gone through?

If the answer to either of those two questions is yes, then I'd say go for it. If it's no, then I'd think long and hard about what the confrontation would likely do to *you*. A year down the road, which would you regret more? If your children were in your shoes, how would you hope they would respond? What would make you the most proud of them? What do you want to teach them about handling these types of situations?

These are the questions I usually ask myself; more often than not, they give me a good answer.

Luck and love to you.

[Kathleen]

If I am thinking in terms of revenge or simply making them feel as badly as I do, I disengage as quickly as I can (which is often a painfully slow process.) When we trust, we take a chance. Most of them it works out beautifully but sometimes it will not and I think that is just part of the human experience.

However, I'm concerned that you said it was an "expensive" ride. If this person is financially scamming people on-line, then that is something outside of hurt feelings and then I would report this person to their web host.

[kma]

i am like you. i feel others' pain so keenly that the guilt gets to me. i look at the 'other side of the situation' just a little too easily. it depends on the severity of the situation, and this seems to be pretty severe. this person needs to learn a lesson, apparently, and if you can accomplish that by exposing them, do it. maybe then they won't lie to/betray other people. even if not, they'll get their comeuppance this time, with minimal effort on your part. if it was financially expensive, like you suggest? EXPOSE THEM. people like that should not get away with anything.

[Jennifer]

I've been in this type of situation in a work environment, and I initially chose to just distance myself from the person with the evil behavior. Thing is, it didn't stop and my attempt to take the high road and walk away from it ultimately emboldened the person to the point where a huge work scandal erupted, I got bitten in the proverbial ass, and I had to initiate the whole HR incident management meeting b.s. to "out" the person for all they had done. I also eventually learned that a lot of other employees had been suffering from this person's actions in the interim. I dislike confrontation as much as the next person, but I think that (like other commenters), if there's a chance this person is going to "get away with it" and be able to do the same to others, and/or you may have dealings with them or with a mutual third party who could be bamboozled by them in the future, you are better off outing them. I also agree with suggestions to try and confront face-to-face first (if possible), so they have a head's up that you are not letting their cheating ways "just go," and they have one final chance to fess up and apologize. If they can't be adult enough, and decent enough, to even try make it right, then they deserve whatever ill repute comes from this.

[Lisa]

Would exposing this individual stop him/her from doing it to another? I think that is the question. If so, then exposure would not be revenge but a warning to others. If not, exposure would be a mistake because it would be revenge.

At least, that's my thought.

[Jana]

I think the key elements that would make the decision for me are whether the action was fruadulant/criminal behavior and whether this person is likely to perpetrate this abuse of trust on others.

If someone else was hurt by this person's actions after my experience and lost money because I said nothing, I would feel a lot of guilt. People who commit crimes of fruad/theft are likely to continue such behavior unless they are held accountable.

Otherwise, my mama always said "two wrongs do not make a right." The karmic boomerang is always out there.

[Olya]

It seems like money was involved in this situation. If you don't say something, that person might find somebody else to take on an (expensive) ride. Just my two cents.

[Sharon]

Confront and expose, but separate the possible revenge feelings from the fact that this person knowingly did very wrong. I have went both ways in the past. Sometimes standing up for myself and sometimes letting it go. Just do it and get it over with. I wish I had not let as many things go and should have stood up for myself. You are a professional and a mother. Do it for your career and to set an example when your children are old enough to learn from it. Protect yourself and others. This happened for a reason.

[kathleen999]

I agree that if you speaking out will help protect others, you should do it. If it's just a matter of standing up for yourself, you have already done that by emailing the person directly and they have not chosen to behave appropriately. I would cut my losses unless other people need to be protected.

A long time ago a professor of mine, who was noted for chasing students around the piano, french kissed me. I was appalled and shocked. He literally grabbed me and kissed me. Obviously I was not the first he had done this to, but it took him 3 1/2 years to do it to me. Everyone advised me to let it go if he apologized, but I decided he had been allowed to get away with this for way too long. I complained to the head of the dept, and he was formally reprimanded. I switched teachers and never spoke to him again. Although he did call me and cry on the phone that he should have known better...typical regret after being caught. He wanted me to forgive him and drop the complaint. I heard that years later he was fired because of a similar episode and that because I spoke up, they had a record of his past misbehavior. I really felt at the time that 18 year olds who were entering college needed to be protected from this man.

Anyway, I think each situation is different, but only you know what the fallout will be in this one. I'm sure you already actually know what you should do.

[eileen]

I had the opportunity to do this and didn't with someone who is a lying sack of crap. He knows it, and so does the other person that got hurt. To this day I have not "outed" him. I don't know if it's because I don't want to deal with the fallout or because I don't want to deal with how much I blame myelf for trusting. It's been about a year, and at this point I did the right thing, but maybe time and more perspective will tell.

[Anon For This]

I was recently confronted with a very similar situation. Please call them out. What I found out was that I wasn't the only person used and manipulated. It felt right to call them out not for revenge but because it became clear this person didn't cheat just me, it was a pattern. And having a hand in stopping the pattern felt really, really good.

[Lynn]

Yikes! Tough decision because you clearly still hurt from the time you JUSTIFIABLY did it before. Having said that - if you may even protect ONE other from your heartache (and wallet-ache) then to me, it's worth it to "expose" them.
I don't know what it has to do with but I read several blogs and there have been so many blog hoaxes going around where people share this sad, sad story, collect money (and emotions) and then end up being a fake. To me, I appreciate GREATLY when they are exposed.
It's unfortunate, but common in life - sometimes a few bad people ruin it for so many others.

[Lynn]

Having said that...thinking about it, I was not clear. If it's a personal life issue, then definitely. If it's something at work or at the kid's school, I would likely have a different view.

[Alex]

Call them out on it and then tell us all about it here ;)

Seriously though I can't stand when people walk all over me or more importantly abuse my trust. If they really aren't apologetic then it serves them right to be called out on it.

[Woody's Girl]

Well, since you asked for a Christian perspective, I'll give you one. ;-) Sounds like you are assuming that Jesus is passive? Didn't Mel ever tell you that there is such a thing as Righteous Anger? "Be angry, yet do not sin." The Bible also instructs us to personally confront those who have offended us, and give them the opportunity to ask for forgiveness (and make the situation right). If the offender is unwilling to resolve the matter, we are supposed to approach them with an impartial witness in tow. If they STILL are not repentant, then we are supposed to call them out publicly.

Even Jesus himself was enraged at men defiling the temple (flipped tables over and everything!).

So you would be completely justified (even in this Christian's opinion!) in being assertive - not aggressive! - and confronting this person with his (her?) behavior. Which it sounds like you've already done... and they are not owning up to their horrible mistake(s). Time to move to the next step, and bring in a 3rd party. If s/he STILL doesn't fess up and attempt reparations, you need to go public.

As the others have already noted, you may be "sparing" this individual of public shame (and allow them to "get away with it" this time), but you may be HURTING someone else down the road - the next victim. Do you really want that on your conscience?

Good luck! And FWIW, I'm really very sorry that you got duped, especially since it sounds like quite a financial loss. :-(

[Kim]

Could you say to them that if they don't return your money by such and such a date then you will be taking the matter further? Also, another thing to consider is - is this person a nutter, I mean could they take revenge if you take revenge. Just that you don't want to put yourself and your family at risk.

[Amanda]

De-lurking after three years because I'm in the exact same boat. Our close friend and baby-sitter stole from us for over a year before I caught him. Confronted him three months ago, fired him a month ago, kept the friendship going for the sake of his wife (who is my best friend ever). Now, I'm torn... do I tell my best friend what happened? It's over, the pain has come and gone... but I haven't been able to move on. Exposing him would allow me to talk it through with my best friend, and I think it would bring me closure. Except that it would hurt their marriage, and do I want to be responsible for that?

I have little advice, except to say that if you expose this person out of anger, it will bring you no peace. If you're not angry but you still feel it's the right thing, then trust that instinct.

Waiting for instinct...

[Ice]

If it would help others, now or in the future to speak up...... then do it!!! Imagine how you would feel, if it happens to somebody else, and you could have prevented it. Or.... if somebody could have prevented it for you........

[Jen]

May be somewhat out of context, but this (mis)quote comes to mind.

"For evil to thrive, good men need do nothing..."

I'm with the others - if this person is likely to hurt others, step up and deal with them. Why let others have the pain you feel? You may find you feel better after taking action if you view it this way, rather than a "revenge" thing. Even Jesus had a go at the arseholes in the Temple!

[Julia]

I am exactly like you and it sucks big time. Drives my husband batty because he is completely the opposite and is NOT one to shy away from conflict.
I hope that you find the answers you need..xx

[tiah]

I think a lot of others echoed my feelings. There are degrees of confrontation and degrees of "revenge."

Telling this person to their face, "I am unhappy with what you did." etc is a way to stand up for yourself. To expose them publicly for the heck of it will probably only feel good momentarily.

That said, being part of the "online world" I have seen many a scam artist come by. The "poor me's" lurking in between the real "poor me's" and taking people for rides.

When it all comes out, there are so many people who knew or suspected, but didn't want to make a fuss. So left others vulnerable, some who really could not afford it, but could not say no, fearing their "friend" could not eat that night or whatever....

If somebody had simply exposed them for the sham they were, a lot of heartache could have been avoided.

[Shelly]

Keep your integrity intact, but you need to call them out. Apologize to them for anything that might have caused them to take advantage of you.
I had to do it this way with a particular friend and it really changed her attitude. She apologized and has tried to make things right since.

Sounds crazy, but it works.

[Gillian]

"I exposed her for what she did which resulted in quite a severe backlash (for her)". And then you write, "even though I didn't do anything to her myself". Dude. Ummm, who are you trying to kid with your saint act? You could have turned the other cheek and ignored the entire thing but chose not to. While I am not entirely unsympathetic, (in most cases, I believe people should get what they deserve), for God's sake just own it already. And perhaps you should tell us exactly what it is this person did to you, it's really difficult if not impossible to judge what action you should take (if any).

If it bothers you THAT much (and clearly it does because you are still stewing about it), just let 'em have it with both barrels already. You know you want to. Look at it this way, you'll never be able to have a normal relationship with them or trust them ever again anyway, you might as well make yourself feel better. It also might make them think twice before pulling a stunt like this again. If it helps, the only regrets I have are NOT taking action when I had the chance. Sometimes, karma needs a little shove.

[adi]

I think the least she can do is apologise to you at this point. But even if she does, I'm not sure outing her is going to make things better, in any way, for you at least. You will loose a bit of yourself and it won't be enough consolation that she has lost a lot in the process too. But you are still hurting from this and the fact that she is not owning up to it just shows me a person that really is not worth bothering with. And with that, the fact that she did something which now proved that she is a class A a-hole (which you knew all along), gosh, people probably know that. And if someone ever defends her and does not know about whatever it is she did, then you can tell that person in confidence, if you wish so. What would Jesus do? Gosh, people kinda treated Him like crap and he didn't do a thing, just kept doing what He does best...

[tara]

Usually, helping people hide bad/abusive behavior by keeping quiet helps breed bad/abusive behavior. It's better if you can talk about it openly with others without a feeling of revenge, but rather as a way to show that won't help hide bad/abusive behavior.

[Heike]

I am sure that you must have heard about the phrase “to pay it forward”. I think this can be both positive and negative. I also try to avoid conflict as much as possible, but when someone has really disappointed me where it has cost me severely, I would have absolutely no qualms about exposing them. I would however, first let them know what I am going to do, so that they have the opportunity to prepare themselves.
Take for example the woman that was really nasty to you and you exposed her. Because of the backlash she had to close down her blog and lay low. You know what, she will probably think twice before she does that again to anyone else. Therefore, you are actually saving someone else the grief/pain and anxiety that she may have caused you. Perhaps you gave her the opportunity to think and have a look at herself and grow through the experience. Every action has an opposite and equal reaction. I am so tired of arseholes getting away with treating people like shit. Go for it, nail that person to the wall.....

[Lindsay]

If you don't "out" them- won't they do it again and again and again! Some people need to learn QUICKLY! You won't forgive yourself if they do it to someone else!!!!
P.S Forgive me if someone else said something similiar- I haven't read the other posts!

[Diane]

Bad behaviour should have consequences. Would you let someone hit your children and not speak up? Of course not. Your feelings are just as important. When we turn another cheek, we are not protecting the rest of society. Accountability! Sometimes I wish we could go back to the old way of putting miscreants in stocks and let them undergo public ridicule. Since we can't, we have to be our own town criers. It's your responsibility to make these bad actions harder to perpetuate on others.

Go do what you know must be done, Tertia.

[Tanya]

I'm of the same opinion as "Woodys Girl" as another "Happy Clapper Christian person". (just cause I can't be fagged typing it all up myself). Good luck with it Tertia anyway xx

[Mash]

What outcome has the most opportunity for both people involved to learn and grow?

- if exposing them is as revenge, nobody gains from it, least of all you. You will feel shit, and they may not even care. They are unlikely to suddenly "see the light" and become better people from it.
- if exposing them is to rescue other people from the same fate (i.e. it could be something that you should be phoning Carte Blanche about, and the person involved should actually be in prison) then it is your duty to expose them

The fact that this person feels no remorse is not your problem. You cannot change the way someone behaves no matter what you do, and it isn't your job to fix their behaviour. That was their parents' job.

Bitterness is a pill that you swallow, hoping someone else will die from it. Spit it out and move on ;-)

[blackbird]

Walk away.

Sometime in the future this person will deal with someone who won't walk away but confrontation is dangerous.
If you have the opportunity to explain to others that this person is dangerous, do so.
But I'd walk away.

[heather]

i was like you, i let people get away with what ever they did because i was/am very soft natured, i couldnt be nasty even if i tried, they only result that comes from this is i have been hurt over and over again. every time i got up brushed myself down and started again, that is after the tears had stoped. but the big massive ball of hurt my heart was carrying just got bigger and bigger.

eventually someone a "friend" done something unforgiviable to me, i lost my business and my reputaion through it, and for the year i was out of work i am now badly in dept i have anew job in a new direction and i love it, but never again will i let someone walk all over the top of me again.

i think you should call them out tertia not for revenge but to let them and others know they cannot do and say as they please and get away with it, there are consequences for there actions and they need to face up to it.

i hope you get some peace, for 2 years i was very bitter and angry i just could not get passed what they had done to me, but in the end the only person who was hurting was me.

[bpwade06]

Actually, if you want to get 'technical', there IS Scripture to cover these things. See:

Mat 18:15 ¶ Moreover if thy brother shall trespass against thee, (offend, embarrass, betray) go and tell him his fault between thee and him alone: if he shall hear thee, thou hast gained thy brother.

Mat 18:16 But if he will not hear [thee, then] take with thee one or two more, that in the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established.

Mat 18:17 And if he shall neglect to hear them, tell [it] unto the church: but if he neglect to hear the church, let him be unto thee as an heathen man and a publican.

In a nutshell, you take your issues to the person in question, one on one, privately, first.

If that doesn't resolve anything, you take witnesses.

if THAT doesn't resolve they you expose them publicly.

The goal, of course is to reconciliation, but if the other person isn't interested in making things right or correcting themselves you amp it out to the highest degree of exposure. the goal here is not only for YOUR protection, but the protection of others, because if this person gets away with such things they will continue to leave a trail of pain.

i didn't read any of the replies, i just jumped the gun and posted. you can email me if you think i'm off.

everyone thinks that jesus was a pascifistic wimp. he wasn't. he stood up for himself and others, he just did it in a righteous eay.

[parodie]

Ooo, tricky. Well, I think that generally you're right: revenge only results in more negative energy spent on someone who doesn't deserve that much energy from you in the first place. The only thing that would change that is if this person is likely to take advantage of someone else in a similar way - then your energy in revealing this person's misdeeds is going to a positive source, namely to helping others who might get similarly caught. That's my 0.02$.

[Jan]

Call him or her out. It's not revenge, it's your social responsibility if fraud is involved. You offered an opportunity to talk about it and possibly settle, if not financially at least emotionally. This person passed on that. At least give him or her another chance, with the warned that your next step will be exposure to authorities. I would not even do that.

[Beth]

I think I would need to know more information about the situation in order to really understand and answer the question... but, as others have said, one major factor would be whether or not this person was likely to continue the same kind of behavior with other people who will be hurt as you were. And, generally speaking, if someone behaves that way with one friend/acquaintance/business associate (whatever your relationship is), it is most likely a part of their character, and they will do it again and again. I would definitely expose them under these circumstances and not feel any guilt, because you are simply telling the truth about your experience. It's not "revenge", so much as "truth-telling." It's why we have courts and a legal-justice system (not that your situation has legal ramifications, but this is an analogy). Forgiveness is good, in the sense of getting over something and not letting it wear away at your mind forever. But truth-telling as part of that process can be a good thing, too, and will show the other person that they need to be accountable for their actions (and that there are appropriate consequences for bad behavior).

[Leigh from 123 blog]

No time to read all the comments as I usually like to do but....

you need to stand up for yourself one way or the other. If you've spoken and voiced your opinion, hurts, etc. then that's good as it's an empowering place to be.

If outing them will get you results (financial) then do it. Otherwise let it go.

I've had situations like this and the emotional aftermath is, in most cases, not worth the fight. My husband once taught me a lesson and that is...PEACE of mind also comes at a price. Sometimes the money is not worth the anxiety and sleepless nights.

BUT I always believe that you stand up for yourself, tell them exactly what you feel and at least you have THAT satisfaction.

(a few weeks ago we had to fire our once-a-week cleaning lady who stole about R1800 from us over 3 months THAT I KNOW OF - am very lax about where I leave my handbag and how much is in there...maybe all those other times the budget didn't balance it was her but anyway....we knew we'd never get it back but I told her in no uncertain terms how she abused my trust, etc....)

[Nicole]

I always tell myself when I get really angry over something and find myself stewing about it, 'Either do something or let it go. If you aren't angry enough to react then it is not worth the mental energy of thinking about.' Its been a pretty healthy rule to live by. Sometimes I do react, and feel really good about confronting someone horrible. Sometimes I just force myself to let it go, and I am much happier not being burdened down by that negative energy.
I think by this rule, you need to do something. If you have spent this much time thinking about the problem, it is something big enough that you need to confront it. I guess I would say that the ancillary rule is that you HAVE to do something if it is impossible to just let it go.

[mommanats]

It's simple: Has he/she hurt only you? If yes are you hurt enough to take action? If her actions involves hurting other people expose the traitor for who and what they are. I love Carte Blanche and all these other expose shows because they expose fraudsters and criminals for what they are. And by doing that I feel more knowledgable and there fore in a better place to protect myself and my loved ones.

Out the bitch/bastard!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[sheilah]

I think you said it in your last paragraph. Is it justice? Or is it revenge? (I started composing this in my head before I read any comments and just scrolling down I noticed the first 3 disagree with me...oh, well). But I still say if it confers some kind of justice (whatever that is), then go ahead and call them out. If it is just revenge, I say walk away. It just isn't worth it.

Will it regain what you lost (money, prestige, feelings)? If not, do you think the 'feel good' of calling them out will last? Remember the example you mentioned. Do you still feel good about it? Maybe speak/write to him/her/them and say what you said to us. Mention your large following and say what you could do and then say you are going to walk away because you are the bigger person.

IMNSHO, of course.

[cassey]

Out the person, especially if there is a chance that s/he could do it to someone else. Hope you figure out something that works for you.

[jen w]

be the bigger person and walk away. Unless they are doing something that could harm someone else and that person should be warned. I don't think you will feel good about it in the long run. and you are taking the higher road by walking away.

[ren]

Expose the bugger!

[valarie]

It doesn't sound like revenge to me. It sounds like someone abused your trust and confidence. If exposing them will keep them from abusing someone else, isn't it really your "duty" to expose them?

Good luck!

[Liz]

If they've done it to you, they will do it to someone else. Expose them.

[Dietfacts]

Usually the best thing is to walk away and never waste another moment of energy on the whole affair. But there are a few exceptions to this: (A) The person committed a an illegal crime and if you don't turn them in, they will likely reoffend and hurt someone else; or (B) You can be made whole again by exposing the person, e.g. Mary stole your necklace and gave it to Sue, and if you tell Sue she would likely return your necklace to you. I hope you are not losing sleep over this ordeal. Breathe and things will work out.

[Per Sonal]

I think in your case I'd ask the person if he/she has read my blog and if they'd please do so and let me know what they think about this post. Ask sincerely and earnestly 'Should I expose someone who has let me down?' Ask 'What would you do?' Ask 'Do you see any other solution?'

And see what they come up with. If they can fix it, I'll bet they will.

Good luck.

[Kay]

2 lines of questions - 1) could they do the same thing to someone else? have they? would your warning prevent it? 2) is there any way your family could be harmed? could you be sued?

[Sharon]

This is my second post on this situation. I have read all the other comments to this point.

1. Turning the other cheek only gives them a fresh one to slap.

2. People who take advantage of others prey on their vulnerability and forgiveness. Being nice too often gets confused with being weak.

3. Do not warn the other person what your possible reactions are. It gives him/her the chance to prepare for it or run away.

No matter what you decide you will have to deal with the emotions of your decision. Hoping the best whatever you decide. <3

[Lizelle]

It really does depend on the situation - if it is something they are likely to try on other ppl I'm all for exposing them. I can certainly understand you being anxious about it (being extremely wary of confrontation myself); but if it will save other ppl getting conned/hurt etc. then go for it!

[marion]

Revenge is paying for giant billboards that expose your affair with a married man who's dumped you to return to his wife. Exposing something wrong done by someone else, IMHO, is not typically revenge. (Okay, yes, there are situations in which it's not appropriate. Exposing a homeless man at a shelter who stole the quarter you accidentally left lying on a counter, for example, is Not On.)

From a Christian perspective, I'd say there are two angles to consider. Yes, you are supposed to turn the other cheek...BUT you're not supposed to sit around passively and allow someone to harm someone else when you could have said something. And, generally, that is how bad and rude people get away with everything they do. People who they have hurt don't want to get involved. Confrontation can be ugly and, in extreme cases, dangerous. It requires you to spend time trying to comprehend the mindset of someone who is different from you in a very bad way. But the only way people who do nasty things are counteracted is by the actions of someone willing to say "no more."

I know you feel bad about the blogger who shut down her blog. But, try thinking of it this way: Do you really think she would have limited herself to going after you? I don't think so; that's not how people typically behave. She would have gone after other people. She might have attacked other infertility bloggers who hadn't yet gotten their wonderful babies. Imagine logging into your blog minutes after confirmation that your fourth IVF hadn't succeeded and seeing nasty comments. You've probably kept other people from shutting down their blogs in heartache and disgust -- people who, IMHO, were far more worthy additions to the blog world than your attacker. You don't see any of this, because it never happened, but trust me, it's a real factor.

I think bpwade06 has the best idea for a strategy. There's no way to do this that's light and happy, but I think you can do this on a way that focuses on helping others rather than on wallowing in negative energy. Somewhere out there, there is someone who will benefit from your actions, even if you and he/she will never know that, just as you and your loved ones have benefited from the actions of others you don't know about.

Good luck. Whatever you decide to do will be okay. Does Marko have an opinion?

[Dana]

I like those "technical" solutions provided by the Bible!! First time I hear them but it sounds like practical advice: step 1, 2 and 3. I like my life organized; I love those how-to manuals. I would follow that route but... it is difficult to say with so little information. For example, would someone else be hurt if you expose them? what is most upsetting to YOU and your anxiety levels, going public or doing nothing? Is it something that, even if you are pissed off right now, you can forget in a few days?
You normally trust your gut, why not so now?
Good luck

[sarah]

i would agree with the person who said give them a chance to resolve it..in talking to them..and if they still continue then expose them. That way you know you have given them a chance for resolution even if they refuse to take it.

[Stephanie]

It sounds like you've given them a chance to resolve it, and they've chosen not to. if there's a chance they could do the same thing to someone else, then I would say they should be exposed, as much as possible, to prevent them from doing it to someone else.

[Ginny]

I am the same as you. I feel sick at the thought of confrontation and causing drama/scences etc. and I have always just dealt with things privately and tried to let it go. But last year something like this happened at work. Spoke to the person privately blah blah blah and promptly dropped it. A few months later I observed the same situation being perpetrated by the person to another collegue. It was awful. I could see how angry and upset it made the other person. I could see how unfair it was that this asshole was getting away with stupid bullshit. I should have kicked up a fuss and screamed it from the rooftops because I realised the more you let it pass the more that people like them keep getting away with it and hurting more people in the process.

NAME AND SHAME TERTIA DARLING!

[amanda]

Hey Tertia

I hope you are still reading comments all the way down here. I know exactly how you feel and am so similar it is frightening. I feel anxious about all the same things as you (everything!) and I battle between getting my own back on people and getting peace in my life.

My 2 cents worth. If you can unequivocally get the truth out with no mud on you, then do it. Having agonised for 3 weeks means you may need action to get peace. However if it will open you to mudslinging and hell - then write it off. Write the letter you want to or the email rant or whatever it is and dont send it. Let it go. choose peace.

But I say name and shame.
And I fear I may even know what you are referring to. I have a gut guess that it is someone I know but I could be wrong.
GOOD LUCK and keep us all posted.

[Diana]

Yikes! What a tough position. Just wanted to point out that there's a term for people like you (and me). We're "intuitive empaths". It IS exhausting going through life this way. . . feeling everyone else's feelings. Thought you might like the term :)

[helen]

A tough one. You have already written to her. Like so many readers said "she will do the same again and again".(a character like this will sadly not change). Your time is precious and you seem precious also. We are in this world for such a short time and time wasted on such a toxic person is wasted. You need to heal your soul and be gentle with yourself.It is a time for you to withdraw and be quiet, take long walks in solitude.One must ask oneself "what have I learned from this"

If it is financial you will make that money again and again.

God Bless your heart, mind, spirit and body.

[Cathi]

If you don't expose them and they do it to someone else, are you not then in some way ethically responsible for that next person being ripped off? Put it this way, how would you feel to know that they had done this before to someone else, and had that person done something about it, you could have avoided being taken for a ride.
Cathy

[Jean]

I see this from a different view point. To me it's not worth it to waste three weeks time getting upset over. It's not worth it wasting more than five minutes getting upset. You have too much to do to get involved in internet drama. You're raising children and have a good, solid business. There was a time when I probably would have said something, but now? Nah. I just don't care any more. I have kids and a business. I don't give a hoot any longer what bad things internet people are doing. I work a lot. My hobbies relating to the internet are reading some blogs and boards for enjoyment and Twittering. It's a nice and enjoyable diversion from working. I read some blogs, comment if the mood strikes, and go back to my real life responsibilities. I read what's in my tweet stream, comment if something catches my eye, and go back to real life responsibilities. It's really much more healthy to do things this way, for more than one reason. Most importantly, anything more takes away valuable time that you can never get back-time from your children, time from working, time from volunteer work, time from places you need to go, etc-all the important real life things. I'm not saying not to help anyone or not be compassionate if someone has a problem. If you help them and find out that the money went to something else, then chalk it up to an "oh well that's life," shrug it off, and move on. You helped with good intentions and a good heart. That's all that matters. You have an important business. Don't risk someone slandering it out of spite if an all out internet brawl breaks out. Shrug it off, walk away, and take a new attitude when it comes to computer use. Use the internet for work and for things you enjoy. You're too important to get involved in who is doing what to whom. You're someone's mother. The kids need you not to be stressed, irritated, or tired because you were spending too much time online. Your business is too important to be thrown into any strife. I am assuming that your problem stems from someone from the internet, as you added in about a problem you once had with a blogger. If this is a person who is from your RL, the advice is still the same. Getting back at someone isn't worth the time it takes and the stress it gives that goes along with it.

[julie]

If the person in question could do this again and you could prevent it from happening to someone else then it would be a good idea to take this person to task. If it is purely for revenge for yourself it may just cause you more anxiety.

[Val]

I haven't read all the comments, so helpfully I'm repeating...

If the people have the chance to do this to others, expose them. It's a community service activity on your part. If it isn't something that they can likely do to others and you really want to be righted on, give them one more chance and warn them to make it right or you will expose them. If they really care, they will explain themselves and make it right. If not, they need to be exposed because they might do it again.

[Amy]

It so really and truly depends on the situation.. Most times I take the high road and just try to forget this person even existed in my life. Get over it, move on...

But you know, letting her have it after 5 years of abuse was rather rewarding too. Done one on one. I will never regret speaking my mind after so many years of taking her crap. (Boss/friend situation.)

After a life time of keeping quiet, letting people walk on me it DID feel damned good! And helped me recently when I told a neighbor who so deserved it after ten years to just GET OVER YOURSELF and I am tired of listening to your demands!

With age I think you get less tolerant, more able to express what you are feeling and feeling justified and ok about it..

Trust yourself.