The eight stages of WTF!

You've heard of Kubler-Ross's Five Stages of Grief?  Well this is Albertyn's Eight Stages of WTF when it comes to dealing with blog asshole'iness.

Amusement:

Haha!  I *knew* my previous post would get a reaction out of you!  You can be soooo predictable at times.  You DO realize I write for effect, don't you?  That I put on a teeny little bit to make otherwise boring life events a little more entertaining?  Imagine how much fun it would be if I did updates like:  "Rose has gone away which means that on top of having to do a full day's work I also have to look after the kids which I am not complaining about because I love my children and I am very grateful that I am their mother and people have it much worse than me and there are children starving in Africa and who I am to complain because some people don't have jobs or children or OMF!! a swimming in their backyard"

Attempt at explaining:

Darling hearts, I am not sure whether you've forgotten this but I WORK. FULL TIME.  Now, if I have to look after the kids full time then clearly, logically, mathematically and common-sensically, I CAN'T WORK.  Yes, I *know* that some of you work full time AND take care of your kids.  But I also know that unless you have invented a way to clone yourself or add an additional 8 hours a day, you are most definitely NOT working full time and looking after the children at the same time because if you are, someone is getting the short end of the stick.

Driving the point home:

To the all the SAHM who manage just fine without help, good for you!  Lucky fish that you can afford not to work.  I can't. Unfortunately we can't survive on one salary (yes, even with cutting back and eating dry bread and water and not buying new clothes or new toilet paper or ANYTHING). So I work. Which means I need help with the kids during my working day (see point two above).  I choose to have a nanny at home rather than send my kids to day care. I am comfortable with my choice, I hope you are with yours.

Getting defensive:

I love my children, very much. They are more important to me than anything, than life itself.  I know that, they know that and to be perfectly honest, I don't really care about very much else, especially whether you approve or not.  (And my husband! I am quite fond of him too)

Getting pissed off:

And WTF is the 'she is richer / not richer than us' thing?  What on earth has that got to do with anything?  When did this become about you?  I am 41 years old, I have studied hard and worked hard for what I have. I make no apologies for this.  I am sorry if what I have or don't have, or what I do or don't do upsets you.  That is your issue, not mine. Deal with it. 

Stating the obvious:

South Africa is not America.  Life is different here. Not better, not worse.  Just different.  Fact.

Asking the question:

Then a question, and you need to be entirely honest here: if you lived in a country where the unemployment rate was over 50% and many people lived below the poverty line because they were unable to get jobs, would you create decent, well remunerated employment for some or would you rather stay up on your high horse and refuse having any 'help' because (insert some holier-than-thou explanation here)?  If you could have someone like Rose help you, wouldn't you accept the help with open arms?*

Moving on:

Ok I am bored now. It's like having to e x p l a i n  a joke to someone who clearly doesn't get it the first time around. It becomes decidedly less funny having to explain the punchline. This was meant to be a tongue in cheek post that took the piss at MYSELF, if you didn't get that, sorry for you.  To those who got it the first time around, well done!  You can have a dip in my swimming pool as reward.

*I am running an office pool on how many people are going to say "Oh, I would save the money I would have spent on a nanny and stop working so that I can raise my kids myself and go to heaven, not like her who is a spoilt brat with a NANNY, A NEW CAR AND A SWIMMING POOL".  

PS and to the person who said Rose is not a real nanny because Adam can't wipe his bum? Fuck off. 

Comments

[Dayna]

Whomever said that can't wipe their bum either Tertia because their crap keeps spewing all over. Ugh.

You have worked hard for what you have, and owe no one any apologies or explanations. Their discomfort, anger, jealousy or any lack of understanding on their part is their problem, not yours.

Other people's stupidity is not your fault, and sadly, there's very little you can do about it.

[Nina-Tertia's sister-who wants to kick you in the butt.]

Hello my darling sister, lucky me, I dont work, I have a full time, live in nanny and both my kids are really really irritating little fuckers at times....I still have to wipe my husbands arse at times...metaphorically speaking. BUT we dont have a swimming pool. I am feeling really short changed now. Fuck. Grr I dont know why you and Mellie blog, I cant stand it when the ignorants say mean things about my sisters. Just want to box them in the nose. Stupid Mother Fuckers. Merry Christmas, did not send a card this year...did you get the birthday card I sent? I love you.

[Tertia]

Oh my darling sister Nina, I do love you so. Thanks for offering to box the meanies in the nose. No one fucks with the sisters.

I got the birthday card, thank you. I am devastated you didn't send any Christmas cards this year! Did you get mine?

Hahaha.

PS I also dont know why I blog. I suppose because most of the time, people are really nice. Its just the odd asshole who pisses me off.

PPS You can swim in my pool. We can drink G&Ts in the pool. Speaking of which, the last person who drank my gin was you. The rest of the bottle is waiting for you.

[jacki janse van rensburg]

i want to pee... ahem, i mean swim in your pool too. so i will also defend you. :-)

your intelligent readers with senses of humor (sense of humors?) get your sarcasm/exaggeration/humor.

i have said so before, and say again, often the comments on your posts are the most interesting part. your (very entertaining) posts sometimes tend to bring out the holier-than-thou in people.

don't let them put you off. there are plenty of us who love you and your blog! may you create controversy for a long time to come...

[ruth]

geez louise, i never even read all of the comments on the last post . . . now i have to do so, way too intriguing not to. but in (totally ignorant and speculative) response to the knockers . . . my two cents worth.

kids are better raised by communities, not individuals. anyone with half a brain (or a semi-decent education) knows that the more unconditional love and care they receive the better off they are as adults, and the world too. a mother who works full time without extra support will struggle to care properly for her kids. that doesnt make her a sinner, just an acknowledgement that she is not a superwoman.

also, MOTHERS, for fucks sake, time to get off the backs of other mothers. some of us need to work outside the home. there is no sin in having nice things or a comfortable lifestyle. the protestant work ethic and accompanying guilt about having money should have been banned years ago.

PLUS, we ALL need SUPPORT to raise our kids, and a nanny like Rose - well paid, loved and cared for herself, part of the fricken family for god's sake. WHAT A TREASURE. i WANT ONE. i have been in belgium with my husband and two year old for three months (his work takes him overseas often) and i have decided that we will have an au pair next stay - its way too hard on my own. i need it, the KID needs it. i am not enough on my own in a foreign land.

anyway, when will you arseholes realise that tertia is way too busy DRINKING AND CAVORTING NAKED in her sinful swimming pool to take care of her kids. she is obviously ill equipped to have kids in her care (she can't even cope with FLEAS) and rose is there to ensure their (and marko's) safety.

p.s. next house me and the other half buy is going to have have a swimming pool. we cant afford a nanny over in aussie, but pools come fairly cheap - and i am not ashamed to admit that it was the photos of your kids in your pool that made me decide to push for a pool . . . my 2 year old (and all the kiwi visitors that will stay longer now enticed by the sun and water) THANK YOU for your decadent display of wealth and selfishness . . . you continue to inspire me.

[Suzi in Vegas]

Tertia, I think you are just grand. We had a house keeper / nanny 3 days a week and I adored her. Mom, not so much.... till I became an adult and saw how amazing a person she is. So since all three of us are well adjusted, financially independent adults who have never raped a puppy or murdered anyone, I think your kids will be JUST FINE. Better, actually because they will get a mum who is somewhat sane.

Also, I will trade you my house in Las Vegas for your house in SA. A week swap, if you like. I don't have a pool though. but I do have VEGAS.

chin up, girl. Those that sow discord are usually very unhappy persons to begin with and as I always like to say, "piss on 'em."

[Liesl]

Well fucking said T. Great follow up post. PS I've also been known to knock a few gins back. I'm also alone without help for 3 weeks as from next week so I think I deserve to come swim. I will happily wipe bums too. Stupid asshole readers.

[Boulder]

Loving:

1. Getting pissed off,
2. Stating the obvious, &
3. telling someone to fuck off.

ALL IN THE SAME POST.

You are a hero & goddess to me, darling.

xoxo

[Robin from Israel]

Trolls really do suck. It's a shame they have nothing worthwhile to do with their time.

And the wiping his bum thing? My daughter is six and still can't be completely trusted to do the job properly (or dare I say at all). Tell 'em to fuck off from me too.

[J from Ireland]

Don't mind them begrudging bastards T. Jealous fuckers. I am a Stay at home Mammy and my kids drive me insane and everyday a different child is my favourite, they even ask "who is the favourite one today?" Best wishes from Ireland.

[tiah]

This is what I get for being in your time-zone, having you on google-reader, and working on a computer...I tend to read your posts before the comments.
Bummer.
Clearly I've missed much.
Hmmm...maybe I'll go back and read the train wreck.
In the meantime - enjoy the glorious weather. Bliss!

[Yes, that Petunia]

Ooooh, those who dare to criticise should climb down from their darn crosses! I tried the SAHM thing. I failed. My hubby was terrified of walking in the door every evening to be faced with a yakkety wife who'd had no adult conversation all day. (We had no extra money for me to swan around to malls and attend moms-and-tots groups, living as far as we did from said amenities.) And so I went back to work and 'abandoned' my son to being entertained by people at daycare.

Cut to the nuclear meltdown a few years later when my MIL decided she'd criticise my lifestyle choice -- making remarks about how poorly my son was being raised and how backward my daughter was ... yes, she used "backward" on a three-year-old who still wore night nappies, FFS! Fallout took many years to settle, but I was left MIL-free for the entire duration....haha!

And when I found I couldn't handle the job, and the housekeeping as well, I got help. YAY for help. I HATE VACUUMING! YAY for G&Ts. YAY for swimming pools.

[jc]

Oh dear God, some people have no sense of humour !!

Please don't go all boring on us just 'cos a few people don't get it.

[Dreamer Mom]

Nothing in that last post bothered me (every busy mom has the right to grumble here and there), but saying that you write for effect and that you predicted this response sounds very odd. Why would you bait trolls so that your fans will run to your defense? Just what purpose does that serve?

[Beth]

You are right in everything you say ... but I also ask you to have a little sympathy for the poor overworked, American moms. Yes, these two countries are very different but one of the perks of living in S.A., it seems, is affordable live-in care, which seems to be the norm. That just is not the case here for all but the very wealthiest. Many well educated women with good jobs work hard and struggle to keep it all together without any live-in help. All our money goes either toward private school or to the expensive house in the good neighborhood where the public schools are decent. So yes, for all the problems SA has, it seems it may be a wee bit easier for upper middle class educated moms, who seem to have a whole lot of help around the house. Nothing aginst you ... jsut saying:)

My other observation from this thread: Women everywhere are overwhelmed. Yes, Women. In all but the very rare case, we do seem to bear most of the burden.

[Pictou]

I cannot understand why women spend their efforts criticizing other women. If one has a success, then we feel we must find where she had the extra advantage and discount her success by that factor, then point out all the ways she is not perfect!

You go girl! I hope you have a grand time with the kiddos, horrible little wretches all of them. I'll come share your G&T and we can whine together.

[Chickenpig]

You are one of the funniest bloggers I read, Tertia, which is why I keep reading. If the people who read your blog don't get your humor by now, they should stop reading.

But, and this is a big BUT....Please, please don't say that I'm LUCKY enough to get by on one salary. Luck has zero to do with it. When my husband and I were in the trenches of TTC we bought our house and planned our lifestyle to be able to get by on one salary...his salary because it was greater than mine, and because it was getting harder and harder to do my job and get pregnant too. I was LUCKY enough to switch jobs to one that was flexible enough to make all those appointments, it also paid less money. When I was LUCKY enough to get pregnant with twins, my job didn't pay enough for me to pay for daycare and to keep working...so I was LUCKY enough to get to stay home all day. Living on one salary for us means living in a very small and inexpensive house, one that is now too small for us. It means having to choose all the time between having the help of my husband (when I was suffering from PPD, say, or when I had to bring my son to the emergency room)or money...and 90% of the time money wins. It means having zero money for luxuries like pre school, the hair dressers, or anything really. It means not getting a shower most of the time.

I worked very hard to get where I was too. And yes, I consider myself VERY lucky to have been able to get pregnant at all, but I miss my job. I miss being clean. I miss talking to adults. Being a SAHM wasn't exactly a choice we made because we were rolling in dough, ya know? So please PLEASE don't say I'm lucky enough to stay at home all day with these kids. I don't even have enough money for some good wine. Okay...done whining now. I wish very very much that I could afford a nanny right now, or a housekeeper, or a cook...or all three.

[beyond]

just went back to read the comments on the last post. had a little chuckle but am mostly speechless.

[MFA Mama]

I. Love. This. Post!

Look who got their blogging mojo back! Between the oven and this post you are on a ROLL!

[Anna]

Why explaining at all? The time for women to explain their actions and apologize is out.

PS 'A room of one's own' by Virginia Wolf should be required reading for schoolgirls of any age.

[RuthM]

Yay for you Tertia. I am a Brit married to a South African and living in KZN. At first I found having domestic staff a bit weird but my mum in the UK always had a cleaner and we had a child minder when we were kids- what is the difference? I feel privileged to be able to offer a secure job and opportunities and support to my staff. When we have kids I would love to have a Rose so my kids can get excellent care and love in their own home. But my husband and I will have worked bloody hard to be able to do so. SA is not America or the UK so don't knock it until you have tried it.

[MollyMorgan]

Well, I guess I missed some wild, rude craziness, lol. And I'm quite glad; not even going to go back to read whatever awfulness was written to you!

I don't even have an occasional babysitter (because I'm too paranoid to leave Pooh Bear with anyone else), but I DO NOT CARE that other hardworking mothers have a Rose (or at least a daytime person to help)!

And God knows, it is the proper, decent thing to do in Africa to employ as many people as one can afford. It's part of being a participating member of your community.

Sure, I'd love to have more money for some luxuries, but I CHOOSE to spend what we have where I want, stay home for awhile with Pooh Bear and have a bit less luxury. If I want more, I'll go back to work after he's in full time school.
And other people can go back to school (like a certain person whose name starts with T and has a whale of a sense of humor ;-D)to improve their income-generating position....like my husband is doing right now (while working), despite his already having a doctorate!
And, and, and....Fuck them, anyhow!!

Much love,
another sensible American who loves Tertia

[Lindsay]

YOU GO GIRL!!!! I LOVE YOU! I love my "help" too, enjoy my job and moan about my child and my job because I can! Clearly I am very South African and LOVE it!!! YAY US!

[Sean]

As a father of twins (boy & girl), a year younger than your two, I have been following your blog for years now - it always makes me smile to see someone else is also experiencing some of the "twin effect" and sharing the pain/frustration/excitement/... :-)

Anyways, as a proud South African I agree that SA is not the USA, just different. So F! them!

Good for you to have a nanny (whether you can afford it or not is not my problem :-)

Raising kids are TOUGH! no matter whether it's 1 or 3 - it's a life changing experience, so any help you can get/afford is GREAT ! (you are lucky to have someone as trustworthy as Rose)

Good luck to you and your family, hope Rose is doing ok.

Merry Xmas to all !

P.S. Yes, MEN also read/follow this blog :-)

[Sheridan]

Ah, new readers who just don't get it? I haven't read the comments on the previous post, but I don't need to.

If they know you at all, they know you were being facetious.

Obvisouly they don't know you at all.

And fuck me, do I get tired of people who think the whole world is just like their little town and everyone can live like them. Fuckers.

[Lisa]

People are so judgmental. I am a professional woman, early 30s, newly married and I plan to have kids soon. I have already heard from my mother-in-law that she had to sacrifice when she got married, stop going out w/her friends, etc, so she could stay home and take care of her children. But what she neglected to account for is that I am not out partying w/friends, I work because I provide half the income for our family and if I quit we would only be able to afford a one room apartment and wouldn't be able to eat. People act as if it's a choice - it's not a choice for everyone! My husband and I work in the entertainment industry, we can't move to a place where the cost of living is less and I could afford to stay home, because we couldn't get jobs anywhere else. People say, oh that is your choice, you are selfish, etc. That really pisses me off frankly. And what ever happened to women supporting women?

[leah]

Well said!! Everybody knows that you are the queen of bloggy world! You can wear a tiara for all I care! I would still adore you!

[Margot]

Chuckle Chuckle Chuckle! what a breeze of fresh air this post is! Snigger. Off to read the comments from *that" last post now. Hee hee hee. Still chuckling.

[Liz]

You know they are just butch of liars and green with envies. If nannies are as affordable in America as they are in SA, they will get them in a heart beat.

[Sarah]

Yeesh, people are such bossy fuckers. If I lived in SA, I'd do what you do, pay someone 3x the going wage, treat her like the real human being she is, AND work.
I hate it when people are butt heads to you.

[[email protected]]

someone insulted rose's position/place in the home? glad you set them straight!

[Stephanie]

LOVE this post too :-). In part I agree with chickenpig's comment- it's not luck that lets me stay home. I got laid off. So, we're making things work on just one salary, because we have to. What IS lucky, is that I enjoy staying home with my daughter :-).
You've also been lucky. You "have studied hard and worked hard for what I have". So did I, so have thousands of people who are having rough times. We're just not as lucky as you professionally.(Which, if I may say so, you have made perfectly clear in other posts over the years I've read your blog-do not mean to imply in any way that you do not appreciate how lucky you are to be where you are). Don't mean to nit pick, but the implication that those of us who are having a challenging time careerwise didn't work hard, or study hard, or try hard enough, gets to me sometimes.
Love you, and love reading your posts- people are just stupid. You may have a nanny, but you also have 2?3? full time jobs-so it's not like you have a nanny so you can sit and relax. *Sigh*
Hope Rose is home soon, so life can return more to usual!

[Sheri]

You have accomplished the MOST important thing....you have YOUR priorities straight, and you do what you need to do to accomplish said priorities. You put your head on your pillow at night and you sleep (when they let you). LOL. Everyone else can go fuck themselves. ;-)

[Megan]

What the prior post really needed, and what we ALL need really, is a sarcasm font. Clearly, some people don't get sarcasm, nor can they figure out when humor is being used. Perhaps what you could do for those who lack the ability to determine sarcasm and humor is use a combination of color to indicate degrees of humor and this new to-be-invented special sarcasm font.

(And for those who are lacking this ability, the above would indeed be in a sarcasm font ... even though a bit of me really does believe we should have a sarcasm font).

[Anon]

I'd personally like to see someone like Rose (who is clearly an intelligent young woman) be able to attend college or some form of higher education so she doesn't HAVE to work as a nanny? Unless she wants to? Or is higher education in SA, like so many other things there, almost soley the province of the white and rich?

[mommymel]

Wow. I didn't read the last comments (okay, or comment myself) because I was busy. But my first thought was - HEY, she works full time- how is she going to manage without taking vacation time?

And to answer your question? I really don't know. I guess it depends on my life circumstances. I love being home with my kids, but I've also worked full time and had a child in daycare. If I could have afforded to create a job like you have for Rose? Yeah, I think I'd do it. Right now with 4 kids 8 and under I sure could use the help, but I can't afford it EVEN if I go back to work.

[kim @ Beautiful Wreck]

Damn, I sure did miss the drama!

[Paz]

Go Tertia Go!

[Athanja]

I'm a SAHM without any help and my 4yr old can't wipe her own but either. Does that mean that I'm not a REAL mom?

Love you, T!
Fuck them!

[Athanja]

I'm a SAHM without any help and my 4yr old can't wipe her own but either. Does that mean that I'm not a REAL mom?

Love you, T!
Fuck them!

[Melissa]

I'm sorry people are so ignorant. Sorrier still that many of them are from my country.

I apologize for all of them; silly, simple people.
Melissa

[ren]

just so you know..I admire and support you..I think you're fabulous and don't let anyone tell you different. As you know I stopped working 2 years ago to be with Ethan (who has some special needs) And i can vouch for the fact that it is a flippen FULL TIME JOB! There is no way that anyone can work full time AND look after their kid. i mean, I only have 1 and he takes up 95% of my time (simon takes up the other 5% poor chap :-) So I truely take off my hat to you! Successfully raising 3 gorgeous beautiful kids, running a hugely successful business and still working a 2nd job in your spare time, all that whilst running a household with hubby and nanny. You're an inspiration Tertia. Don't let those ignorant "on their high horse" simpletons get you down.
You and I both know how devoted you are to your family. You need never explain that to anyone. EVER!
xxx

[Sister Mel pool owning SAHM with a helper]

At least you were not accused of child pornography. Made ME even say fuck off! People seem to want to pervert things, to make things ugly. Their is a bitterness, a deep unhappiness and nastiness in many people that is so disappointing. Sometimes I also wander why I blog, add that anxiety to my life when I already have Agatha after my ass half the time.
I have a helper, no paying job AND a pool so I am clearly the winner sister here.

[no]

You and your sisters all kinds of narcissistic icky. How did your parents create such entitled monsters?

[Liesl]

PLEEeeeeaaaaase tell me that comment above is a joke.

[JenC]

It's too bad that your computer can't have some magic way to filter people who read your blog. If you don't have a sense a humour, understand sarcasm this blog is not for you. I am not from South Africa, but I completely understand your writing and love it. From the super sarcastic house in Canada.

[Vee]

When you put yourself out there by writing a blog and inviting people to comment, you have to understand, expect and respect that not everyone is going to agree with you all of the time. I enjoy reading your blog as much as I enjoyed your posts on IVFC years and years ago. However, sometimes I feel that if you don't belong to the 'Yay, Tertia! You are the funniest and the coolest' camp, you will be labeled a troll and hounded by the other 'Yay, Tertia!' readers. It's like there's no room for comments that don't say how funny / talented / awesome / brave you are. It's a bit like high school all over again. I hope that doesn't offend. It's just how I see it after reading all the comments here.

[Sickened]

Thank you Vee... well said.

[Kelly]

I believe that everyone is entitled to their own opinion, but that being said, no one is forcing you to read this blog if it offends you! No one said you have to like what is being written, but if you don't, why read it? I really don't understand why you would do that.

[Dana]

My dear, darling, gorgeous and divine Bond girl - that you even feel like you have to defend yourself SUCKS. Period.

I have two kids, I work full time, my kids are in daycare, my days are crazy hectic, my house is a wreck, and my husband and I are both exhausted by the end of the day - but we're all happy. My best friend chooses to be a SAHM who homeschools, her husband is currently not working, the whole family is all up in each other's face all the ding dang day - and you know what? My kids are generally happier and more well adjusted than hers when it comes to knowing that their parents love them.

You don't have to defend how you live your life OR raise your children, OR who helps to do so. All you "have" to do is love your children, your life, and everyone in it. And you do. You're a lucky woman, you KNOW you're a lucky woman (it comes through in your blog all the time) and you have a wonderful family - which includes Rose (so why WOULDN'T you miss her when she's not there?). May you continue to enjoy your family, your job and your life!

[Hope]

LMAO! Tertia...I so very rarely comment but couldn't help myself on this one. I'm American so let me say something about "us". We are self-righteous SOBs and especially the "Christian" ones. I've never met a bigger group of people who don't hesitate to point out what they think are your shortcomings. I think it's fabulous that you have a nanny. I don't have kids yet but I sure hope I can afford one when I do because I will always work full time. Not necessarily because I have to (I've got an attorney for a husband..yay!), but because I need some sanity and I think spending my entire day at home would drive me to drink. And I don't drink...LOL! Love the blog, love the humor....Piss off to the lady who says Rose is not a real nanny. Can I borrow her PLEASE?! ha!

[Tania]

Vintage Tertia!!

[Kim]

Who is watching their children while some of these barbarians type in judgment of you?

Right. Not them. Knuckle-draggers

[annash]

Loved the PS, beautifully put!!!

[After Words]

You know that I love you, and I'm sorry that some people are such enormous assholes. Life is complicated--especially the lives of mothers--and people who don't get that are being intentionally obtuse.

Still and all, I confess I bristled a bit at the, "Lucky fish that you can afford not to work." I'm a SAHM who can't afford to work--salary wouldn't cover the cost of childcare/nursery school/etc. It doesn't mean I'm happily at home, contently passing judgment on others, as I hope others are not at work passing judgment on me.

[Kathleen]

Tertia, I read your blog because most of the time you are interesting writer.

However, the way you justify your life would be funny if not so sad.

This "lucky fish" stayed at home with her kid by living in mobile home (yes, the kind you can put on blocks but also but on wheels and move around.) We drove cars a decade old and never ate out. I loved it, worth every sacrafice we made but the idea that I'm somehow a "lucky fish" compared to you is insulting to me and every other mother who has lived a life you truly cannot even imagine, let alone would lower youself to live (ie no plastic surgery, etc.)

Also, there are parents who work full-time and do not have childcare. Again, because you cannot imagine it due to the life you live does not make it untrue. I have friends who work when their kids nap/go to bed (yes, they are always tired but they cannot afford children AND rent AND food, etc.); thow who work opposite shifts with a spouse/grandparent or friend and so on.

Would it kill you to pick a book, just one book, on how poor/lower middle class poeple live? You know, how the VAST MAJORITY of the world lives.

It's one thing to be as lucky as you have been (let's start with being born white in SA), it's quite another to believe oneself a martyr and no "luckier" than anyone else.

As race, well, I wonder if you can be honest enough with yourself to answer if you would rather live the life Rose was born into or the one you were born into? Would you rather be you or work for you?

[Kathleen]

So yes, for all the problems SA has, it seems it may be a wee bit easier for upper middle class educated moms..."

They have that "ease" because of the problems of South African. If America still had a class of people who were so newly free from sub-human status, life for many white Americans who choose to benefit from that would easier.

All over the world, there is a huge difference between being generous out of choice and working to dismantle the very system that keeps money/power in the hands of a minority while the majority carry the load. That's not specific to SA ;I find disturbing the ignorance or dishonesty about it (ie I work hard/ your just lucky/etc. with no credit given to the combination of luck and human suffereing that factors in) no matter where it is coming from.

[Beth]

Yes, some of the comments sounded judgmental... but now I'm scratching my head, thinking, did mine sound like one of them? Surely not my intent; I thought I was rolling with your humor. When I said "I don't have a Rose" I certainly wasn't begrudging you that; I was saying I wish I had one, too! Like, "Lucky you! Poor me!" Just being silly. By the exaggerated, self-deprecating nature of your post I thought you were inviting that. Oh well, the difficulties in interpreting the written word...

[Anne]

First, let me state that I am a caucasian American. I have two points.

1. Addressing "Anon", above, who suggested that instead of employing a Black South African like Rose, Tertia could pay for her college education: that's a great idea, but then Tertia and Marko would have to come up with the money to also hire a nanny to watch the kids or send them to daycare. I don't know what the costs of those things are in SA, but it seems a little far-fetched to assume that they could do both. If Tertia didn't work, they probably couldn't afford to do either. And also--I have no idea what nationality Anon is, but I will take a wild guess and go with American. If this is true--have you yourself contributed all of your discretionary income to pay for a ethnic minority American youth to attend college? We don't have quite the level of income disparity between rich and poor in the US as they do in SA, but, if you ever visit say, Cabrini Green or the Robert Taylor homes in Chicago, you'll notice that many Americans are also struggling just to get by. Or, I suppose, Anon could be one of those struggling Americans who can't afford college. In which case--can some other Americans step up and help Anon to attend college?

2. This is directed to those leaving scathing comments (in contrast with comments that disagree respectfully)in general: sure, you're entitled to your opinion, everyone is, but what I would like to ask is: what effect are you actually going for by leaving these comments? Do you truly believe the blogger on whom you're commenting will respond to the vitriol, wring their hands, and transform themselves into what you would like them to be? If not, what is the point? Can someone elucidate, because I'm really curious.

[Anne]

....I should add, "what is the point, besides indulging in some online drama," since that part is obvious...

[Melanie]

Dude, you are amazing.
Any body who knows what you have gone through to have children and then critise you should be stabbed, any body who doesn't know what you have gone through and then critise you should also be stabbed, and anybody who reads your blog and doesn't like what you write, well they should also be stabbed...as a matter of fact i'll help you hunt them down

[Beth]

um ... stab tertia's critics? is this a cult or something?

also (as someone who didn't criticize you) sort of wondering why you posted this in the first place and then came back with all the outrage if, as you state above, you knew everyone would react that way.

[Tripsmom]

Oh dear - I live in SA, work full time, have a live in Nanny to look after my triplets, and yes I am white and she is of Colour (PC)AND I do go for pedicures, I've had my boobs done, I've had botox AND I drink LOTS of wine. We love her to bits, she is part of our family, I can't cope without her, totally overpaid (I am scared she leaves)and loves my girls like they are her own. My girls are 5 years old and occassionally I still have to wipe a bum - what they do the rest of the time I don't know - I can only hope they do wipe? My best friend is American and wishes she had room for a full time live in maid - she only as help 3 times a week - gosh how does she cope! Please people, get real this is Africa here we help each other even if it is paying someone to clean your house, at least they do not have to go to soup kitchens for food or beg for money and maintain some kind of dignity. LOOVVEEE your blog Tertia!

[ruth]

wow, this post hit a huge deep nerve with some people didn't it?

still, regardless of our personal response, why the hell is it ok to attack someone on their own private blog? and yes, it is public, in that it is open for anyone to read, but we come to this page BY CHOICE don't we?

its been said before - but worth repeating. if you don't like the content don't read it! how simple can that be?

it is possible to disagree with Tertia, or any blogger for that matter, without being scathing, self-righteous, victim-minded martyrs. it is possible to criticise her decently - without attacking her personal choices about her lifestyle. you dont have to be a ra-ra fan, but how about dealing with the issues instead of going for the jugular of the person involved? tertia DOES, as past experience shows, respond to constructive non-personal criticism. if you want her to change, then modify your criticism style. he he, as the post shows, the personal attacks only get her back up, and she aint gonna change because of them - will probably do what she is doing a thousnad times more intensely as a result.

to all the knockers - you make your own decisions on how to live. it is almost ALWAYS possible to change your circumstances if you want to. what won't improve your life is bitching about people whose lives seem more comfortable than your own. and if you can't change your circumstances, you sure as hell can change your attitude, so that you don't get upset by other peoples seeming better fortune.

we get one life each, much of which we don't get to manage too closely - why not enjoy what we have in hand, and stop wasting precious energy and time eyeing up other people and knocking them to pieces?

[Mommanats]

Ok so someone tell me what's with all this racist bullshit "Born white in SA"

WTF does that have to do with anything?

Hallo to all you stupid ass people all over the world...............Appartheid is a thing of the past. 15 years to be exact.

You can say what you want but don't try and play the racist card, it's so last season!!!!

[Wendy]

I don't think luck has anything to do with it. We are all born into certain circumstances, we make certain choices in our lives, and other things we don't have any control over, and by the time we have kids, hopefully we are where we want to be financially, to be able to provide for our families. Most of the time I think we are not happy with our situation, and want it to be better, and that is human nature, I guess. It seems it is also human nature to envy others too, and compare ourselves to others. Each to his own - what others have is not necessarily what will make you happy, even if you think it will.

Love you Tertia - just carry on being your true authentic self.

[Another white South Africa]

Kathleen darling, you really need to get with the program. You haven't been lucky to be white and born in South Africa for at least 10 years now...

Don't always agree with you Tertia, but love the way you write, and have enough of a sense of humour to know when things are said tongue in cheek.

Now please excuse me, I have to go and wipe my childs arse.

[Deanna]

Some people just don't get slapstick humour. If people would just take a moment, whack their funny bone and re-read what people write.. they might just figure out that some of our stories are written for peoples BEST REACTIONS EVER, rather than offer up our real life stories that are probably quite boring.

[Aurelia]

I'm sorry about all this Tertia. I'm beginning to think that this economic downturn has really made a lot of people desperate and sad and jealous of anyone they perceive as even doing a tiny bit better or easier than they are doing.

I hope someday they get jobs and start to do better financially than they currently are. Maybe they will be less angry.

[Heather]

I'm in the camp of thinking it was hysterical. It was very timely for me too. I also have a nanny for our 6-month-old twin boys (she's my SIL who is currently living with us for this gig, but this is what she does for a living!) and I work full time. I have also had this thought recently as when Nicki needs days off and I still have to work, I can't get much done. I miss her terribly. It's funny, I do refer to Nicki in my brain as "my Rose" because I know how highly you think of your Rose and I know I think very highly of my Nicki. We get along great because she'll ask me if I care about what the boys wear that day or something of the like and I just tell her she has free rein. She knows what she's doing and it's so much more freeing that way.

[annie]

Was home with a sick kid recently and I can vouch for what T said: Hard to get any work done except for nap time, bed time.

People can be mean, bitter, insensitive and just clueless. Agreed.

Here's my problem: I do feel, in my very humble opinion, that this blog is sometimes schizophrenic: You talk about taking in all of life's luxuries from cosmetic surgery to large houses and then you claim you are "just getting by." I agree with others who commented and pointed out that it is almost always possible to live on one income if that is what you really want. Given that you just moved to a much more expensive house, I have to believe you could make the life choices/sacrifices to stay home with your kids if you wanted to. Do I care? Is it any of my business? Of course not. I myself am a mom who also enjoys having a career and does not (too often) feel guilty. However, I also enjoy having money for little luxuries and I enjoy getting away from the house and the baby talk. Let's call our choices what they are -- choices -- and not claim to work out of sheer necessity.

Also, I do feel that sometimes this blog takes a tone of flaunting. Of course you are clearly talented and hard working and have worked very hard to get where you are. All the same, times are extremely hard right now. In the U.S. people are losing their homes at record numbers and most even well-off families cannot afford live in help. Unemployment is through the roof and people are worried and stressed. This does not mean that we should take it out on you. But please try to be sensitive. And if you suspect what you write will get a reaction -- and if you don't want that reaction, then maybe you shouldn't write it, huh?

(I personally enjoy your blog and all the more firey debates. But the righteous tone you and your groupies take at times? Don't enjoy that so much)

[ellen]

I agree with everything annie just said and appreciate the way she said it.
For the posters who are saying that apartheid is a thing of the past, do you really believe there is racial equality in South Africa now? Really? To those who are implying you are doing your household help a huge favor by employing them what if you cleaned your own houses, yards, ect. and put the money you would have spent on services in place to educate the people you are claiming to help.

[Billie]

Personally, I just want to know how unusual it is for kids to not be wiping their own bottoms ALL THE TIME at 4 and 5 years??? I think you should do a poll. Mine cannot be trusted to do a good job. I make them call me for a clean bottom check, and about half the time they need a little help. Seems pretty normal to me. If I never checked, they'd be running around with dirty bottoms spreading their fecal matter all over the house. LOL

[Rosemary Riveter]

Tertia, I thought the previous post was very entertaining, but then I am a sarcastic Brit, I only live in California. Irony is hard to convey over the web, but you manage it perfectly. Unfortunately irony is even harder to convey over the web if the reader in question has no sense of humour whatsoever, and is already prickling and looking for places to take offense at every turn.

Just because there is a big recession on doesn't mean it's bragging to talk about moving to a new house. This is reality: some people lose their jobs while others are doing swimmingly, it's not about fair or unfair, it's just the way the world works. Am I being a patronising elitist asshole to take my work clothes to the local cleaner's to pay someone to wash and iron them? Or is my patronization of that cleaner's supporting a local business run by an ethnic minority?

[CJ]

I have been reading you since you were attempting to get pregnant. If people can't take a joke, fuck 'em. You've dealt with this before. People are ass hats, bloggers more so because they can hide behind their computers and not have to take accountability for their words. You go on with your bad self, we love you...even if you can't handle full time work AND watching your children (because we all know that's REALLY the case, right?!?) Ass hats.

[Dana]

Finally a good entertaining fight! It's been a while.
Tertia, are you sure you are not "Sickened"? just there to increase the ratings... hahaha ;-)
Enjoying your blog, as usual.

[Lucy]

I know when you blog about your life, you leave it open to scrutiny, but blumen 'eck! You don't half get some moralistic, holier than thou comments here. Everyone can disagree, but is there really need for a complete character assassination? Rosemay hit it on the head - some people really are looking hard to find something negative to say. I read that last post, laughed, then moved on. I didn't even realise you could be offended by it, mainly because Tertia was taking the piss out of herself. And maybe because it sounds the type of life that I hope to have when Im married and have kids. Tertia, I hope this won't stop you blogging, I really love reading it.

(and to that person who wrote something about Tertia and her sisters being narcissistic, best have a look at Tertia's Nurture program, or maybe have a gander at Sister Mels blog to read about her not for profit charity she has).

[Luann]

and to think you wanted to break up with us? Aren't you glad you didn't? LOLOLOLOL.

Cripe I love you T.

[Jeannie]

Wow, I didn't read the comments to the last post. Mind-boggling. Seriously WTF!

One thing I wish is that when working mothers defend themselves that they didn't always have to say "I have to work." Maybe you would choose to stay home if you felt you could afford it, but I definitely get the feeling that you are a very high-energy person who is really GOOD at working, and that you enjoy it a lot, like living a nice lifestyle, etc., and choose to work because you want to. Maybe I'm wrong. But I always get the feeling that working moms think they have to say they have to work. Screw that.

I work. I want to work. I have full-time live-in help (an au pair, which is actually pretty affordable, but still). I have great kids who are well-adjusted, and happy. I adore them, and my working is best for our family. I make no apologies for it, and neither should you.

You are a fabulous mother, Rose is an amazing nanny, you lead a busy lifestyle, and your lifestyle is designed around the fact of Rose. When Rose is gone, it disrupts everything, and it is hard. You are not spoiled. From what I can tell, you work really hard at all your jobs, you are great employee and a great employer, and you should not have to apologize for any of it. It makes me want to reach through the computer and throttle the nasty people who make comments like you got on that last post.

But I still want to see pictures of your fabulous house.

[Tami]

OKAY, no time to read the other bazillion comments, so apologies if I repeat. But, HELLLLOOO? Have those negative commenters you speak of not read your other posts??? Did they just (virtually) meet you? Sheesh, people. If you don't share her sense of humor or whatever, GO READ SOMEONE ELSE'S BLOG. TERTIA ROCKS. And, I am not a big potty mouth myself, but I always get a tickle out of your liberal use of (ahem) colorful language. Guess I'm going to hell with you! **CHEERS!**

[Kay]

All my life I thought I would be a SAHM and a wife. It was my life's goal. Turns out that I got married at nearly 31 and you know what? I would want to put a bullet in my head if I had to stay home with my kids all day.

God freaking bless all the Mothers who can. I am in awe. I am amazed that anyone has the patience for that.

I am a better Mother because I work. Because I am fulfilling a need within myself to do that. I agree with Jeannie - stop apologizing. I choose to work. Yes I "have" to work to maintain the lifestyle I've chosen. But, that was my choice to begin with. Everyone is different. Everyone has different priorities. I don't love my children more or less than a SAHM loves her kids. However, for ME - I "LIKE" them more because I'm not with them 24/7. Absence makes the heart grow fonder and all that mess.

Keep on keeping on.

Southern, middle class American and proud working mom.

[Kathleen]

Posters cannot be serious in arguing that because legally apartheid is over, then being born white or black in SA makes no difference.

I was lucky to be born white in the United States and we are several centuries ahead of SA when it comes to human rights and race. Why am I lucky? Because racism still exists here. And it exists in SA. (It's painful that I would have to point that out to you but, at the same time, not terribly surprising.)

"also (as someone who didn't criticize you) sort of wondering why you posted this in the first place and then came back with all the outrage if, as you state above, you knew everyone would react that way..."

Tertia does this every so often, far less than she used too, so that's good. She writes something she knows will get this reaction, then gets upset when one out of every twenty posters is not kissing her ass.

I reply simply because it's entertaining in a twisted way to watch otherwise intelligent women say things like this is a private blog. When the white people pity party gets tiresome, I just stop posting in the thread.

[barbara]

I don't know, Tertia. It is almost 2010 and really past time you modernized your comments section. To allow a streamlined area for some (they know who they are), might you not offer a simple form such as the one below for your more inflamed readers?

* * *

Oy, [Blogger's name here]!

How dare you ___! I can see you are an ignorant, rude ____. I have been reading this blog for _____ days/weeks/years/minutes (circle one) and I am finally fed up by your ___. You are obviously ___ and your readers kiss your ___ and live in ___ and don't know ___ .

Everyone knows when you _____, you are a slatternly ___. Though I grudgingly recognize that your "blog" is only a biased, subjective bit of writing possibly slanted for comedic and/or dramatic effect (circle one), I take every word as some sort of personal affront and am in total umbrage regarding your choices to ______, you feelings regarding ________, and I insist you admit you are a ___, a ___ wife, a bit drooly and have no attractive features whatsoever.

Please do/do not (circle one) check your sitemeter. I do/ really do (cricle one) keep checking in for the next __ days to read comments about this comment, as it makes me feel important while I sit in my basement and peel dry bits of skin off my _____ to collect in a jar.

Sincerely,

[your name here, but anonymous is standard]

* * *

[Enough already!]

Unless you live here you can't understand how life is in SA.
If help is available and affordable and you don't take it, well then duh! If someone is desperate for employment and you are desperate for help, then HELLO! Some Americans are so damn critical and self-righteous and they get up my arse. I don't see them funding the education of the 5 dollars an hour McDonalds staff or sorting out the rife racism in the US as in the rest of the world. Unfortunately people all over the world have race issues. We all have our problems and crap and we are trying to raise our kids the best way we know how with what we have. Giving each other a hard time is just stupid.
(PS, I love most Americans, the ones with a sense of humour and spunk especially. The other ones, not so much!)

[Kim]

I think Tertia has worked f'in hard to get the lifestyle she has and it wasn't all handed on a plate. Did you miss the post where she said she had an MBA - which likely means she has a first degree too. You have to work hard for that. Ever heard how doctors and lawyers get paid more than a cleaner - well some other professions get paid a fair bit too and maybe she just managed to get into one of those. Funny enough I thought to myself when she posted about the new house and new car etc, then the swimming pool that no doubt that is going to get some people jealous.

[Blog stalker]

Sorry, Sickened, was the message not clear enough? FUCK OFF! Yes you do open your self to criticism when you write a blog, however when you have never been in the footsteps of Tertia you have no right to insult or infact share your opinion about her or her life! I am in no ways a Tertia worshipper have only recently started reading the blog and I instantly got her humour, so seriously, go on a search for your funny bone before you read another blog post!

[ellen]

Enough already, I think you were responding to my post about funding education. I was responding to the poster who claimed that they were "helping" their household help by employing them. People in the states do not eat at mcdonalds to "help" the people who work there. I think they eat there because it is fast and cheap. Just like white people in South Africa who employ a household staff do it because it is cheap, and they could not run their homes in the same way without that cheap labor. To claim it is for altruistic reasons seems well, like a crock.

[Christina (Apron Strings)]

Oh dear word. I've decided that there are a lot of idiots out there who have nothing to better to do then to spew their angry ignorance everywhere. You keep on keeping on-I like you even if you don't clean toilets : )

[NewReader]

Ok- I come from India where the same rules are applied. People do use the same argument to hire help - which is very very cheap.Having said which, in my opinion, the lack of privacy is just not worth it.
However, I don't think people really appreciate other countries' cultures. Some things happen the way they do in certain countries. So if I were to go back to India i would hire help again, perforce, because everything is geared to be labour intensive there. E.g. you don't GET dishwashers. You either hire someone to do the dishes or you do them yourself- which is obviously a right pain if you work full time.
Does that mean hiring someone to do the dishes makes me a bad person?
When in Rome and all that..

[K]

I came back to read all the comments, as I have to say history will show that things were destined to carry on along similar lines, and I love a 'good' debate.. (Tertia posts something sarcastic &/or humorous / controversial / specific to SA / etc - some applaud, some criticize - she sometimes defends, although mostly her commenter's do - the debate rages on and we all vicariously enjoy the banter).. I have to wonder tho' since she was almost giving up her blog, if this little 'storm in a teacup' isn't a relief to her.. she doesn't have any pressure to post whilst the debate is hot, especially since Rose is away and she is working and being a SAHM ;-)

[Angel]

I had a good giggle at the other post comments... it was like people were just reading the one or two comments above the one they posted- not the actual post you wrote!

[Sara]

Wowowowow. Tertia, love the blog. I've got a similar extreme sarcastic/hyperbole-prone sense of humor, and luckily, all my friends get it. Clearly a lot of your blog readers don't. Hope this latest round of bullshit doesn't scare you off from blogging entirely.

I think the 'live in help' issue is a very American one. Only the super rich here can have it, so people are simultaneously super jealous and super offended. It calls to mind images of slavery, segregation, and tons of other shitty American legacy. Then of course there are idiots among us who don't realize that some parts of the world are not, in fact, America, and they get their panties all in a twist. Thankfully, some of us know better.

[Alison C]

Tut, tut Tertia. You will burn in hell for posts like this!

I'll save you a place there right next to me. Can't promise there will be a pool but I'm sure there'll be plenty of wine.

Luv ya, T. Keep up the good work

[Anon]

Anne, where did I say that Tertia should personally be paying for Rose's education? What I said was, it would be BETTER (for people like Rose anyway, perhaps not so good for those spoiled by the large pool of individuals desperate for employment as nannies, waiters, gardeners, janitors, and household help) if there were some system in SA whereby people like Rose would be able to attend college, or vocational training if college isn't their thing, instead of hoping that the best they could do would be to luck into a cushy nanny or maid gig. Unless they WANT to be a nanny or a maid.

Also, I happen to BE an ethnic minority, and also American, so you're only half right in your assumptions. I worked my way through college with the help of scholarships, grants, and part time jobs. All but ONE of the scholarships I was the lucky recipient of, was open ONLY to people of color! So, had I been white (and I knew PLENTY of poor, struggling, white students during my college days) I wouldn't have been able to afford school. Though Tertia seems to be a kind and generous employer and I'm sure Rose is happy there, I sincerely hope Rose is putting some serious thought into what she'd like to do with the rest of her life. She is still young.

My husband and I both contribute annually to the American Negro College Fund. Were it not for them, I wouldn't be a college grad today. If anyone would like to find a charity that deserves their hard earned money, please consider them, they do a world of good.

http://www.uncf.org/

[Bea]

To Kathleen,

As per the human rights comment perhaps you've been too busy not wiping arses to have obtained a proper education. From a South African law and politics major, a tiny heads up on the human rights issue, you imbecile.

1) Our Constitution together with it's implementation and enforcement are light years ahead of the American system in terms of entrenching human rights.
2) As a cornerstone of the protection of human rights the death penalty was abolished in South Africa over 10 years ago (unlike the crispy/grilled/lethal injection options still imposed in some of the US states).
3)Education in South Africa is largely free, student loans are easily available, and perhaps climb down from your ill informed patronising high horse to realise many women would far rather be well paid nannies than poorly paid supermarket cashiers etc. Earth to imbecile- it's called tertiary education - not standarised everyone no matter their interests/aptitude/ability must attend education (do you not have waitresses/cleaners/cashiers etc in the States?).

And finally, fuck off. Seriously, how condescending are you to believe that someone like Rose doesn't not have the ABILITY to explore the options available to her?Economically disadvantaged people are not stupid, they are not to be treated like children - they are adults capable of making their own decisions.

PS Ever heard of the black diamonds?Thought not.
PPS Off to ride my pet tiger now.

[Bea]

Last thing human rights moron - did the dudes at Guantanamo enjoy the last care package of goggles and rubber booties you sent them?

[Liesl, your arse wiping, white, lucky bitch with a pool]

LOVING you Bea. Thank you.

[Cam]

OMG

Since when were followers supposed to be so damn judgemental. If you don't resonate with the blogger then get lost and find someone else to inspire your sad little reality. Better still...start your own as clearly you have issues to resolve. Don't attack someone else's world just because you don't understand the context and by the way I don't remember Tertia inviting you to debate anything! So make way for humour, laughter, celebration and REAL LIFE...and go find a new source of inspiration so we don't have to be exposed to misery, upset and stupid opinions...love and light sisters.

You go Tertia...toss the tossers.

[Sonja]

Genugtig, maar die mense kan kla oor stront!

In English ( the above was afrikaans ) ... get a life & concentrate on that.

bye to all & have a lovely day!

[Yes, that Petunia]

LMAO @ Sonja. Nice translation.... :D