The Talk aka Marital Performance Appraisal

Last night Marko and I had the Talk.  You know the one - the discussion that has been brewing for a while.  The one that starts off heated and defensive, and after two hours of dissecting and discussing, working through the various layers of resentment, hurt, misunderstanding etc, you get to the bottom line.  We told each other what we needed, what we felt was lacking, and then we spoke about how we could make it better. A marital performance appraisal of sorts. Two hours later we were both tired, but very pleased that we had open up and talked through the stuff that had our backs up for a while. 

Our bottom line is luckily an easy enough one to fix.  We just leave it too long to fix when things go off track a bit.  The way it usually works is as follows:

• I get busy through the normal stresses of work/kids/life
• I run out of time to do everything that is needed of me
• I need to borrow time from somewhere, I can't take time from the kids or the work (I get no time anyway, so none to take from there) so I borrow time from Marko.  Marko's time.
• He doesn't say anything, and gratefully assuming that silence means if not consent, then at least acceptance, I steal a little more of his time
• Marko starts feeling unloved and slightly resentful. He gets quieter
• I get resentful that he is being resentful. Doesn't he understand how tough things are for me? How stretched I am.  I pull further away from him
• He gets more resentful
• I get more resentful
• By the time a few weeks have passed, the tension between us unbearable.  There are no screaming matches, no heated debates.  Only the stony silence, occasionally broken up by the pointed comment or flippant remark.
• This goes on until one of us (me) can't take it anymore and then we eventually we have the Talk. 
• We uncover all the layers (you said, I said, you did, I did not) until we realize that it is the same issue that we always have - that although we do love each other very much, we don't spend enough time loving each other in the way we need to be loved. You know that whole "Five love languages" thing?  Well, yeah.  His are quality time and physical touch, both of which are the bottom of my list of love languages. Mine are words of affirmation and acts of service.  Both of which are at the bottom of his list.  Which means that if we don't make a conscious effort to love each other in the way the other person needs to be loved, they wont feel loved, no matter how much we think they know it.

Anyway, it was a good, albeit exhausting chat.  I really am going to make a determined effort to spend more time loving my husband the way he needs to be loved.  And he is going to do the same for me.  Things are MUUUUUCH better this morning.  We have gone back to affectionately calling each other 'my darling asshole' and blowing kisses at each across the crowded room.

And tomorrow I am going to tell you how posting this note on Facebook sparked a heated debate among my followers about sharing, over-sharing and crossing the line.

Comments

[Felicity]

I have 8 year old Boy/Girl Twins and a 3 year old boy, so Im just a few years ahead of you. I know exactly where you are coming from. Luckily we are heading back to the relationship we had before the children were born .. only WITH children! lol. But when Oscar was a baby my husband was at the bottom of my priority list as well. The thing that helped us both through it? Quickies, as many as you can handle! I explained to him very honestly that I was too tired to be sexual, so we organised that after showers, when the children were eating, or watching telly, we would have a very quick quickie! No foreplay, just lovin for him. :D And it really worked! Now we are in a different space, and our snuggles are great and grand for us both, but back then, with a baby and 5 year old Twins, giving my husband physical time just seemed to be the straw that would break the camels back.

Good luck to you! To be honest, I have all sympathy for you and NONE for Marko! lol. :) But I know that they need sex to feel loved, just as we need to feel loved to have sex.

Cheers, hope this was not TMI!

[tiah]

We tried to have a talk two days ago...going as smoothly as an atom bomb.

At least you eventually got somewhere.

[RainbowW]

i'll repeat what i said on fb: if they don't like it, fuck 'em.

[Margot]

It is SO difficult! How do you ever have time for each other? How do you ever not feel too stretched between work and kid(s) and household and chores and perhaps occasionally cooking a meal and looking after personal hygiene? For example? Argh. We are finding this a huge adjustment, and our baby is 10 months old. I might blog about this too but might also be scared of oversharing! However, the sense of relief when we do get back to calling each other arsebreath and dingbat affectionately is worth it...

[Bassett]

i was so blown away by some of those comments on FB!

[Lisa]

This sounds SOOO familiar! It is so important to share this stuff -- if we all go through life thinking everyone else's marriage is perfect, that is why people get divorced -- because they think everyone else is having a perfect life and they're the only ones who have troubles/work to do in their marriage. People need to talk about this stuff!

[june]

You hit it right there, that you really do have to make a decision to love each other in the way that the other person needs to be loved. It was very brave of you to share all of that on your blog, hopefully encouraging to someone who needed to face a sullen spouse.

[Molly Morgan]

Oh, yes. Very, very important to have these Talks, and so many of us let it go too long. Thank you for being forthright about reality within a healthy family.
And take it a little easier on both of you :-) You're great and you expect too much of the G & D Tertia, I suspect!

As to marital congress/relations, I never knew how FAST you could do it, until our child was born, lol.

[serina]

I LOVE that you over share!
All girlfriends do it!

[BiancaW]

Oh yes - I hear you. We have a very similar cycle!!!

[shannon]

wow, and thanks. I so appreciate someone being big enough to admit that their life together is not a bed of roses. I get really frustrated with people I know who let everyone think that their marriage and life is perfect and then make me feel so ashamed if I hint at some small insight into my unrosy / normal life, because "its not the done thing". Thanks for breathing some fresh air into my aching heart.

[Jamie]

How is that post on FB considered crossing the line/over-sharing? I don't get it. If we are not supposed to put up status updates such as that, then I'd better quit updating my status. LOL

[Melissia]

Is it a cultural thing? Here in the States people share the most intimate details of their lives on their facebook at times, pregnancy details before the peestick is dry, divorce news. Your message doesn't seem inflammatory to me, as a matter of fact it confirms to me that you work on your marriage, which I consider a good thing.

[Wobs]

It's always good to clear the cobwebs... glad it ended up with blowing kisses!

[boliath]

This kind of thing could get you featured here: http://stfumarrieds.tumblr.com/ not by me of course, I'm just saying...

[JenC]

This is really freaky because we had the Talk a week ago with the same outcome and conclusions. Thanks for sharing it's nice to know I'm (we) are not alone.

[Kristen]

Tertia, I am delurking to thank you for writing about this - I think what I like best about your blog is your honesty. My partner and I continue to struggle with showing our love for each other in ways that can be understood and appreciated, and hearing that you and Marko have this issue (and can deal with it) is immeasurably reassuring. So thank you!

[Amy]

We have the same cycle except the roles are reversed. I am Marko.

[tess]

good for you and marko for being willing to put in the time and have the unpleasant talks, for the sake of creating that strong foundation and re-connecting.

[Wenchy]

I wish I could have 'the talk' and not shout

[Pam]

Funny, I saw that status on FB when you posted it and thought nothing of it. So I had to go back and read what all the fuss was about. Personally I see nothing wrong with writing whatever you want on FB as long as it's not malicious, rude or insensitive to anyone else. As Marko is on your friends list, if anyone has any right to comment, it is he. Keep on doing what you're doing. I think it's fine. And I imagine it's time me and my DH had the talk too.

[Lisa]

Sunday, we had "the talk", I'm so glad that there are couples just like us. I hate the silence, where I know things will just keep getting worse and worse until we have "the talk".

I also am feeling much better that things have been resolved...and ACTS OF SERVICE was screaming at me during our talk. Why can't I just show my love for him by keeping the house a little bit more tidy and organized. It's not about the housekeeping or liking to clean up after 7 people - it is showing LOVE! I need to remind myself that...alot.

I wish our love languages matched up a little bit. This marriage stuff is hard work!

[Netta]

Bravo Tertia!
We also let things go too long until the silence is deafening. In the last 10 years the sulking period has decreased though. Although the number of niggles has increased...
Then we have the Talk (by the end of which I'm crying and he's slightly exasperated) and things roll on for a while.
And even though we only have one child (18 months) I have less time and energy for romance (real + euphemism). I'm glad to know it eventually gets better...

[AmyElle]

My fiance and I have a relationship that from the beginning I showed love by doing things that helped his life be less stressful. Actually, it's a very male dominant relationship. Long version of that is available by email or IM only lol.

Anyway, one of the biggest issues I have found in relationships, both mine and others, is that men don't understand that if they do not give a very clear, concise, verbal response to a woman about something, she assumes it is ok to do whatever she wants. They then get resentful and think we are selfish bitches. I am constantly telling men I know to be very verbal in their responses to things. Polite, but clear and verbal. It helps to avoid so many misunderstandings and resentment buildup.

[Martha]

We have been married for 34 years and raised four kids, and we still have to have The Talk sometimes. And, really, surely your facebook friends know what an open person you are. If they don't like what you choose to share, they can remove themselves from your friends list.

[mamabee43]

Thank you for this post! The timing of it, for me, was perfect! Your honesty about it (especially the "steps" that it takes to get you two to the point where "The Talk" is needed) are so real. I think that we moms need more conversations like this instead of the magazine articles that tell us to have a date night and it will all be better. Yeah, right! I love my husband and want to have a great relationship with him again, but date night isn't really going to cut it! Besides, whenever we DO do something like that, we end it by saying, "See ya 'round sometime!" because we know that we are walking right back through the door for more of the same!

[Single Mom Seeking]

Wow, my pal Louise just sent me here via LHJ -- and I'm so taken by this post.

The reality: I'm a single mom with a boyfriend. I was married once, more than a decade ago.... and I somehow feel so relieved reading that married couples who love each other DO fall apart for a bit. But more importantly, you figured how to repair this.

I'm awed by your honesty. Thank you.

Ditto on more conversation about this!

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[Father Ade]

Looks like You've really struck a chord with this one. I've noticed that when couples argue, they have two possible outcomes after the "talk": either they're closer, or they're further apart. The difference is partially the way they fight, but I believe it is largely mitigated by the trust they had in each other before the discussion ever started. If there's trust, then it's okay to fight because both of you will still be there the next day. There's something really comforting about that. If there's no trust, It's quickly replaced by fear. Relationships suffocate if there's too much fear. Sounds like you two had trust before you went into this. Keep it up.

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