Why I am am angry

Firstly, people asked me how I find these things out - my readers email me with a 'heads up'.  It's the only way I know people are plagiarizing my stuff.  I suppose I wouldn't know otherwise.

Then, to the people who get up in arms because my readers react the way they do - I have two things to say:  firstly, I can't and don't control what my readers do or do not do. Just like I can't control who plagiarizes my work.  Secondly, believe it or not, I actually SLEEP sometimes and can't be monitoring the Internet 24/7.  And here's a little heads up - there is this thing called a TIME DIFFERENCE between our countries, so while you are getting all riled up, I am sleeping which is why I am not responding to your email or comment RIGHT THIS VERY SECOND.

As you can tell, I am still cross.  Not very very cross or very very upset, I am not weeping into my handkerchief or gnawing at my wrists (or plotting revenge), but I am cross.  I lay awake this morning and wondered why. Why did I respond so strongly?* (usually I am too scared to 'upset' other people by calling them out, even those who do me wrong - how pathetic) 

The woman who copied my life with pics of my kids, I felt sorry for her. She was lonely.  The woman who copied my personality (by using my blog posts about my personality) - well, she didn't mean harm I suppose.  See, they copied the happy parts of my life, and somehow I don't mind sharing those. 

But what got me about this one is that this woman copied the sad parts of my life, pretending they were her emotions.  And the sad parts of my life were very, very sad.  I was raw, broken, finished.  I ended up in a psychiatric ward one afternoon because the pain of my sadness was almost too much to bear, I thought I was going to go mad.  And for someone to copy that, to pass it off as their own and have people feel sorry for her feels like it is trivializing what I went through.  Trivializing my son's death.  And even worse, deceiving people in the process. You've taken 5 years of the most painful part of my life and trivialized it by cutting and pasting and pretending it's yours.

(And yes, I saw the apology this morning.  She apologizes for not using quotation marks and attributing the work.  I don't care about that. I care about the fact that she is trivializing my pain by faking it as hers.  And that is why I am cross.  But I am moving on, promise. I will stop being cross in about 20 minutes or so. I've wasted enough time on this already.  Off to work I go.)

*Yesterday was a bad day. Firstly I had a good friend fail her 7th donor cycle. That is beyond unfair. Secondly, one of my best friends found out she miscarried a perfectly healthy fetus on her 11th IVF. Total mindfuck. Thirdly I met with a couple who sold their car to finance their fifth donor IVF. And then I had some asshole try and pull a nasty trick on me (not related to this).  And then this.  I guess that is why I reacted so strongly.

Edited to add:  The blogger in question has just emailed me to say sorry. Let's just leave it. As I said, I've wasted enough time on this already. Yuck. Just when you think you've recovered from all the pain you went through in the past, you get a lovely little reminder.

Comments

[Kristin]

It sounds like that whole day was one great big mind fuck after another. I'm sorry the day sucked so badly.

[Kirsty]

wow! Angry Tertia. She doesn't come out to play very often! I've not checked in for a few days, 'cos, you know, you've been a bad blogger and haven't posted EVERY day! (People would think you had a new baby or something. And a job. And another job. Oh - and 4 yr old twins!Maybe) AND then - it. finally.happens, you post twice, and I miss all the fun!

Anyhoo - I don't blame you for feeling angry! I think its just that by doing what she did, the plagiariser ripped off some scabs on wounds that will never grow thick enough scabs for it not to hurt! Scabs that no-one should have to grow in the first place, let alone protect from plagiarism!
Hugs to you x-x-x

[Poltzie]

Hi there,
I'm a long time reader of this blog but I don't often comment. I have been reading since before your pregnancy with Max and loved hearing your "miracle" baby story!

Anyways, this post has brought me out of lurking. While I have not dealt with infertility, I have dealt with three miscarrages. I can only imagine the pain you were in. I want to thank you for sharing your story. As a social worker,a woman and a mother, I appreciate your ability to be vulnerable. No doubt you have helped countless women by being so open about your experiences. I hope that this does not discourage you from being so wonderfull honest! You are amazing!

I also want to say that I understand why you are so upset - I would be too. She stole pain, pain that wasn't hers to steal. Pain that was so incredibly personal. I get it; I wish I could say the same for everyone else!

Many kisses to you!

[akeeyu]

How cute. She now mentions that she's quoting you, but doesn't use quotations, and has still changed your text to suit her situation.

[Bernadine]

Hi Tertia

I don't no you but I do pop over to your blog to read it and I think you have every right to be angry and at that very angry.

Furthermore I feel that no one (your readers or others) have the right to judge your feelings or reactions. After all they it is not happening to them.

The people who copy your blog and pass it off as their own shoudl get a life so they will have something to blog about.

Take care. Bernie

[Lizelle]

She was WRONG - you had every right to be angry!

Hope you have a much better day today - rain and all!

[Adi]

I'm really speechless. The closest I can come to comparing would be somebody ripping off the posts I did when my dad passed away, and I can not, just don't want to, imagine the violent anger and violation I would feel. It is making something deeply personal that came from a raw place into a piece of useful literature to pull readers. Argh. Just horrible. I'd be punching something.

[Coral]

Okay, let's be fair, the most lucid part of her blog was your words. The rest was very high school.

She cannot verbalise so plagiarises. (spelt the English way!)

Not to, of course, belittle her pain.

Smile Tertia, and move on...

[Adi]

Oh no, and then I went and found her site and read her "apology". Everyone leaving a negative comment on the issue is Satan coming to take away her hope and faith. You can't reason with that type of guiltless, blameless attitude, I'm afraid. Creeps me out, freaks me out, makes me want to hit something in frustration. My word, how can you claim that you did not know that you had to cite stuff that you copy over from copyrighted material? That's just weak. And she is STILL not putting quotes on your material, I see, just a mere one-liner at the bottm. Ok, I'm going to stop now, I don't think I'm making anything better.

[Fatima]

How sad that someone has to steal another's life, to get attention. Hugs to you Tertia.

[Katherine]

I am so sorry this happened to you. I hope you feel better.

[Kim]

I guess she is going through her on pain with her own battle of infertility and maybe the words that you wrote resonated with her. Note - not the original meaning of those words but those words in relation to her own situation. She said she feels like a dud - so maybe she thought that if she takes the words written by someone well liked and respected and pretends they are her own, then maybe she will be liked and respected too. Well, there has to be some reason. I can only imagine she thought no-one will know - which shows how naieve she must be too.

[Georgie B]

Tonight Tertia my dear you deserve TWO glasses of wine!

[Boulder]

Taking your life and acting as if it another blogger's life is a shit way for someone to gain traffic, sympathy, or thrills.

What's worse is that it doesn't acknowledge the deep, life altering pain, fear, joy, and experience of your own life and the passion with which you've committed to sharing it via your blog and your book.

Or the time that you've spent doing it.

I'm so sorry that the world has people who just don't get it. But I am glad that the world has people like you, who have made life easier because you've been empathic in your life's experience sharing. More that one person has been helped by the honesty with which you've shared and the investment in telling the truth.

xoxo

[Wobs]

Hope your week only gets better. Can't think of any comforting words right now (too busy digesting all of this) but just know that you have lots of support from your commentators, and that includes me. xoxox

[Hanlie]

I hope today is a better day! I'm sorry that this happened to you again... There are a lot of freaks on the internet.

[Shandra]

Tertia, you have a complete and utter right to be angry. And the apology is idiotic - she got caught, and that's why she's sorry now. Stealing words is stealing, and it's violating, and this woman is absolutely daft if she didn't get that. Don't feel like you have to be generous - you don't, not any more than if someone stole a bike from your garage.

[mar]

I also like how she blames people who called her on it, as if it is their fault. And portrays herself as the victim. And won't allow comments from people who don't agree with her. She says she "didn't know she needed to cite (well, she wrote "site") sources on her blog. My fifth grader knows you can't write something that was in a book w/o giving credit to the source! Oy!

Sorry this happens to you again. Hopefully people will see that the Internet has your back and not try this again!

[debbie]

Hi Tertia
Yikes,really didn't have a clue that you have to put up with this kind of sh1t,really weird....some people seriously need to get a life.

[cat]

Oh Tertia - I would also be so angry. One thing you can say is that you are such a great writer( and that is the truth) that people feel like copying you. Still not right though!

[GreyEyes]

Tertia - I know that writing about your anger was a big deal for you. I am PROUD that you put it out there. I am thrilled that you called her out. It should be addressed. I know you aren't the type to cause a raucous. Writing about that time after Ben... one could literally feel the weight of your pain through your writing. When I think about that timeframe, I still get that "punched in the chest" feeling. I think each person that read those posts walked away carrying a bit of your heartache. So yes, having someone lift verbatim those sensitive, powerful emotions expressed by the written word is inexcusable.

I give kudos to the reader that alerted you to this crime. This thief should count her blessings (hopefully not some she's stolen) that you aren't sticking her ass in the frying pan. Though you probably should.

Hugs to you.

[Haitian American Family of Three]

Dude. You should SUE HER!!!! Because this is just not right!!!

[Matt]

Yes, SUE HER, SUE HER! I swear, Tertia, apparently you have enough armchair psychologists and armchair lawyers as readers to start their own practices.

[Esther]

Tertia, I'm with GreyEyes...SUE HER ASS! Seriously. SERIOUSLY! I'm so angry for you that I can hardly see straight. I'm a Christian, and it really irritates the heck out of me when people use their religion as a blanket "get out of jail free" card to cover up a multitude of sins. "I'm a Christian, and I did something stupid, but instead of getting my just deserts, I'm going to say it is the devil trying to bring me down." No. You DESERVE to get the pants sued off you woman because you BROKE THE LAW. This isn't a game, this is someone's life work here and it is copyrighted for a reason!! I cannot urge you strongly enough...SUE HER AND GET HER SITE SHUT DOWN until she agrees to purge it of all your words. Also, love you, love your site, and keep your chin up!

[Matt]

*facepalm* Can't you people read?

Tertia:
"Edited to add: The blogger in question has just emailed me to say sorry. Let's just leave it. As I said, I've wasted enough time on this already. Yuck. Just when you think you've recovered from all the pain you went through in the past, you get a lovely little reminder."

[maddy]

Tertia, Ugh, hope the rest of your week is an improvement to these past few days. Only one way but up, right? ;)

All best to ya ...

[bj]

I got it -- I cannot for the life of me understand why someone would want to steal your pain. My only thought is that to some, who see your blog or read your book and don't think to hard, you feel to them like you're a fictional character, like Anna Karenina.

You aren't of course. I understand, too, though, why you'd want to move on, even though what she did was wrong.

[Lisa]

Bleh. I don't think you need to sue, I think she's probably learned her lesson at this point. BUT it irks me to no end that she says that your readers are an example of Satan's work. What a way to deflect responsibility. She's making herself to be the victim and you and your readers out to be the tyrant. That's what I think is bothering most of your readers.

[Matt]

Lisa,

Considering the caliber (or lack thereof) of many of the reader responses in this comment thread and the previous one, in addition to the hateful vituperation Sarah has received via e-mails and comments on her blog, I'd say your description of many of Tertia's readers as tyrants is not that far from actuality.

[Sandra Millsap]

Dear Tertia, (and supporters)

I hesitated to leave a comment, but decided to go ahead at the high risk of being noted as "the mother taking up for her daughter".

First, please allow me to say that my daughter's intention was NEVER to discredit or minimize your pain and claim it as her own. I have not read your book, but she has told me of it and has shared with me how certain things you've said explains exactly how she is feeling right now. After 5 failed IVF's, including a chemical pregnancy this last time, I assure you her pain is real, her journey is real and your description of the pain, the fear and the heartbreak of it all hit her to the very core. It has been heart-wrenching for me as her mother, to watch her go through this terribly unfair journey of infertility. It has opened my eyes and my heart to the issue of infertility, which is so much bigger than most people realize. My heart breaks for each and every one of you out there who has had to travel this road. There is no fairness or reasoning in it at all. Your strength, perseverance, stubborness, determination and faith to carry on is nothing short of amazing. I don't know how you all have the moxie to keep putting yourselves through the emotional and hormonal roller coaster that the road of infertility requires. I so admire you all!

Sarah is young and deeply hurting. She is hormonal and is grieving her most recent loss. She is trying to figure out where to go from here. She has been through a tremendous amount of physical and emotional turmoil over the past few years...much more than most 26 yr. olds should have to endure. This is not an excuse, but please try to understand and forgive her innocent and unintentional mistake of using your words to vent and describe her own feelings of pain, fear and grief. (yes, some mistakes are truly innocent ones) She so identified with your description of where you were at that time and she has just openly expressed it on her blog without thinking it all through. Ignorance is sometimes bliss, obviously not in this case.

I know you and many of your supporters are angry. I get that. Please hear with your heart. She never dreamed for one minute that her post would generate so much hate, anger, nor the multitude of hurtful responses that she has received from so many of you out there. But more than that, she is mortified at the distress this has caused you, Tertia.

She is a devoted and faithful Christian, as I'm sure many of you are, but that doesn't make any of us perfect. We all make mistakes. Some mistakes are intentional and hurtful, some are hurtful, but never intentional. I hope you will look back at this situation and see it for what it really is...

Tertia, I am aware that she has apologized to you and has made attribution on her blog. She has learned an important lesson in a very hard way. Thank you for your time and your understanding.

Gratefully,
Sandra Millsap (Mom)

p.s. To any "followers" of her blog - if you choose to not read her blog anymore because of this, that is certainly your choice. She is really not interested in the number of followers she has. Her blessing has come in meeting some incredible friends through the blog community, which has been a tremendous amount of encouragement to her. Her blog is simply a place to vent, to share with the sisterhood of infertility, and to record her journey. I simply ask that you at least please continue to pray for her and her sweet husband as they continue to hope for their miracle baby. She would and will do the same for you.

[terri c]

Hi Tertia! I know you don't like hugs. Am sending you virtual glass of wine. So sad, too, for your friends and their losses.

[Molly Morgan]

Well done, you.

This is why your readers and friends appreciate you. Of course, your use of writing out your own pain and insights which have helped so many of us is another great reason :-)

[Molly Morgan]

Correction (distracted by 3 yr old):

Your use of writing about your own pain and insights gained, while helpful to you, has also helped SO MANY of us.....God loves a giver, Tertia.
THANK YOU.

[Shandra]

Sandra,

My goodness.

You know, there are lots and lots and lots of infertile people who have blogged, and they have not plagiarised others. It's not hormones. Hormones make people angry and sad and so on. They don't make them go around deciding to take other people's creative work. It makes me just a little bit angry to read your comment.

Please don't go around apologizing for your daughter and asking people to think about her feelings. She needs to stand on her own two feet, obviously. What you could do is introduce her to ethical behaviour.

[Katy]

Gah I missed the drama as usual. It seems very strange that this person would not write "So I read this and it perfectly describes my pain..." but would just copy and paste someone else's words. I don't think that is a "hormonal mistake" in the slightest, I think it was deliberate.

Ah well, I'm sure she has learned her lesson. And I hope you had a glass or two of the old vino, Tertia.