Exercise for the elderly

When I am not pregnant, I am quite 'good' about eating well.  I don't eat junk food, I don't splurge on cake and chips. But when I am pregnant (all 7 times), I let my hair and all other body parts down. It is a free for all, and like a bargain shopper on Sales Day, I go crazy. 

Which is all good and (s)well, but it does make the 'pregnancy weight' rather hard to lose.  The weight relating to the actual pregnancy (baby, placenta, a kilo or two of water) is easy. Comes off within a few months.  The 17,000 donuts I ate:  takes a bit longer.

And of course, as one gets older, the lardy ass is harder to get rid of.  Do I regret those extra 16,999 donuts that I ate but didn't really need?  A little, I suppose.  But you know what, you are only pregnant a few times (you know, like SEVEN times) in your life and you might as well enjoy it.

Anyway, so now I sit with an extra kilo or ten that I have to get rid of.  And because I suck at denying myself life's essentials like wine and chocolate, I decided that my next best bet would be gym.  So I joined a gym.  As you know.  About two months ago.  I've been twice - once to do that godawful body fat assessment thing *shudder*, and a second time to swipe my card. To keep up my membership.  Oh wait! I've been a third time!  I signed up for swimming lessons for my kids! (Yes, my kids are four and they are only now getting swimming lessons. I suck)

Clearly that strategy (sign up at gym/never actually go) wasn't working for me, so on the advice of a good friend in the computer, I decided that I would sign up for a personal trainer.  If in doubt, throw money at the problem.

I called the "Personal Training Manager" at the gym to find out more about signing up with a personal trainer.  I told her I am a 40 year old working mother and I would like someone who would understand what my specific requirements are.  I said I was not interested in a spotty 18 year old beefcake with big biceps and a small penis.  Ok, I didn't really say that small penis thing, but don't all those beefcake gym boys have small penises?  From all the steroids they take?  No? Well, it doesn't matter. I don't want a young guy (or a small penis). I would prefer a woman, and someone who is a bit older than 12.

"Well", says the sweet sounding Personal Training Manager from the gym, "then I would recommend Maryka".  Oh good, I say.  Why would you specifically recommend her?  And then she replies, and I quote:  "She is used to working with the elderly"

Hahahaha!!!  OMG, I nearly peed in my 2-sizes-bigger elasticated-waistband pants!  "The Elderly"!!!  SHE IS USED TO WORKING WITH THE ELDERLY!

Oh dear.  I am an elderly 40 year old, mother of three.  Life really is over, isn't it.  Now forgive me, I think it is time for my lie down.

(In the Personal Training Manager's defence, based on her accent, I think she is Afrikaans and might have been translating directly from Afrikaans - but still, it was bloody funny.  I had such a good laugh)

Comments

[beyond]

ha! that's the best line i've read all day. thank you.

[Macca]

The small penis thing is a body building myth. It's actually because they have increased all the muscles to huge sizes that the penis looks small and out of place - but it's really quite normal. I just saw a doc on body building that oddly covered this little bit of trivia, sadly I remember nothing else about the doco...

I love the Elderly comment. I remember in the UK my boss was giving birth at 32 and her charts were listed as Geriatric Mother! No mistraslation there - the London hospital just decided she was old at 32.

Don't stress about the kids learning to swim at 4. We started the twins at 9 months and it's a complete mission as everyone in the house has to be in the pool. We are taking a break over winter as it's too darn cold for our old bones in an outside heated pool and they'll go again in the summer.

[Hanlie]

Remember to put you teeth in when you go for your first session!

I turn 40 in 17 days, so I feel for you!

[Orange]

Yay!

I started out with a sweet young trainer who was about 24, and she was so sweet and so empathetic. There was lots of girl talk but we'd make each other cry if we talked about anything emotional. But! I developed muscles behind the belly flab for the first time ever, and leg and arm muscles. That was awesome.

Then Emily left for a new career and I was assigned to Tony, who was about 23 and still into getting wasted with his friends. We share lewd innuendo and mock people (as well as having girl talk about his relationships!), and I am enjoying watching young Tony grow up as time goes by. He doesn't have me do abs as much, and I should really mention that but my god, I hate doing abs. Flab is a small price to pay for not touching that damned medicine ball.

The whole "working with the elderly" thing is perfect for you! The trainer won't push you as if you're a shallow, hardbodied 22-year-old but rather, a shallow, flabby-bodied 40-year-old who will look and feel much better soon.

[Tania]

LOL, you geriatric you!
ps: mentioned you on my blog :-)

[Jana]

My family has been trying all month to convince me that 40 is not elderly... but I knew the truth! I'll walker-race you to the prune juice!

[One of Two Mommies]

Yeesh. My 39 year old sister-in-law was getting a pedicure the other day and was texting a friend. The young girl doing her toes said, "Awww..that's so cute I love it when old people text". Yikes.

[Shylah]

I'm 32. A few months ago, I was buying cigarettes for my mom. The store has one of those "We ID anyone under 40" signs on the register, and the cashier looked at me and said - I swear - "Are you under 40?"

-jawdrop- I didn't find it nearly as funny as you did!

[Annie]

I'm 39, and oddly enough I much prefer a male trainer. I have a pitiful habit of needing to compete with other women whereas with men I can relax and just compete against myself. I'm lucky I work in a male-dominated field. My PT is 24 and very cute, and is really excellent at his job.

It wasn't *required* that he's cute, mind, but it does perk up the evening:) I love the training. I never can come up with good ideas for workouts, and even seeing him once a week (and working out solo other times) helps me keep doing fresh things and challenging myself. I've gone in 6 months from a size 12 to an 8 (almost a 6!), I'm a lot stronger, and I'm actually thinking of training for a marathon, which would have been completely out of the question when I started.

[Lisa O]

When I showed up for my first personal training appointment (6 years ago ... when my DD was an infant and I wanted to get back in shape and build "functional strength" yadda yadda) I realized they had booked me in with the lady that taught the seniors strength classes - where they SIT IN CHAIRS and lift 3# dumbells. ;-) She was great re: functional strength though! She had me imagine needing to pee in the woods while hiking with the baby in a backpack as she corrected my form doing squats!

[Joey]

that got my day of to a goos start!

[plunkie]

OMG i'm 40 and that was the funniest freaking thing I've read on a blog in a year!!!! thanks for sharing!

[minni]

thank you for the laugh. now you HAVE to go and meet this trainer. i can't wait to read about that bit!

[Debbie]

I received this e-mail this week and think it is appropriate: A WOMAN'S WEEK AT THE GYM

This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.

Dear Diary,
For my birthday this year, my Husband (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.

Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Christo, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.

My husband seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

________________________________
MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Christo waiting for me. He is something of a Greek god - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!

Christo gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today.. Very inspiring!

Christo was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!

________________________________
TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door..
Christo made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. His rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me.

_______________________________
WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.

Christo was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. His voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying..

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Christo put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Christo told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other @*%! too.

_______________________________
THURSDAY:
Asshole was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late - it took me that long to tie my shoes.

He took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. He sent some skinny bitch to find me.

Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.
_________________________________

FRIDAY:
I hate that bastard Christo more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little aerobic instructor. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it.

Christo wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

________________________________
SATURDAY:
Satan left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing his voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

________________________________
SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my husband will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!! - Anon

I thought it would give everyone (elderly or not) something to laugh about!!!

[Wobs]

I'm 10 months away from 40 - I see I have a lot to look forward to :)

[Coral]

You say the direct translation thingy - I have been told that my name is 'weird' I presume she meant unusual!

Good for you for gymming at all, one back put out put me off, and you do not get over any back thing easily, I still have problems.

And now I sound geriatric!

[ExMi]

i'm 4 months away from 25. clearly it only gets worse from there! ;)

you old whorebag you tertia. i think you're fab, so don't stress about your flab! (which is non-existent btw)

xx

[Nicky]

Quick question-I noticed your gym fees are only R90 bux. Why??!!! Virgin Active and Planet Fitness are both R300 and upwards, and I absoloutly cant afford that now. R90 is do-able.....We live in the same area(sort of) so I'd love it if you can tell me where this fabulous gym is. I wont stalk you at the gym I swear it.

[Lynn]

"The elderly..."
I am still laughing on that one! Priceless Tertia! Priceless!

[Summer]

I live in a part of Florida that is heavily populated by retirees, so my gym is full of actual elderly people. I'm often the youngest person in a class by a good 20 years... and I'm pushing 35. My Pilates class is full of women in their 60s, 70s, even 80s. I try to go to Pilates 3 times a week; I can't go more often than that, I get too sore. But the older women in my class? THEY ARE THERE SIX DAYS A WEEK.

[Woody's Girl]

Nicky, if I'm not mistaken, the R90 is T's fee for the TRAINER... not the gym fee.

Go, Tertia, go! I hope having a personal trainer provides all the motivation you need to accomplish your fitness goals. :)

[Rachel]

You old fart. Don't forget to wear your panty girdle when you go for a training session. :)
Don't worry my dear Tertia, you are at least 40 years away from being "elderly"!

[Pam]

Too funny! Maybe you should ask if they have a senior's rate for membership. :)

[Molly Morgan]

omg, rolling on the floor.......

You are SO funny. Thanks for this :-D

[Nicky]

Woody's girl, in another post she mentioned R90 for the actual gym fee, before the trainer thing?

[rindacella]

And which reminds me of the following when it comes to men and women:

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN:

Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry basket according to lights and darks.

Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.

If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to
do more sit-ups / leg-lifts, etc.

Get in the shower.

Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.

Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.

Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.

Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair.

Shave armpits and legs.

Turn off shower.

Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.

Spray mould spots with Tile cleaner.

Get out of shower.

Dry with towel the size of a small country.

Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see partner along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.

Walk naked to the bathroom.

If you see partner along the way, shake willy at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.

Look at your manly physique in the mirror.

Admire the sizeof your willy and scratch your bum.

Get in the shower.

Wash your face.

Wash your armpits.

Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off. Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.

Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. Wash your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap.

Wash your hair.

Make a Shampoo Mohican.

Wee.

Rinse off and get out of shower.

Partially dry off.

Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of bath the whole time.

Admire willy size in mirror again.

Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on. Return to bedroom with towel around waist.

If you pass partner, pull off towel, shake willy at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.

Throw wet towel on bed.

Ha ha! Boys and their bits ;-)

[Dana]

oh, you, ancient mother of three... Thanks for the laugh.
Debbie, your email is hilarious!

[Mommy Melting Pot]

Oh, that is too funny. I am another "elderly" 40 year old, too! That email Debbie posted is hilarious :)

I came to the conclusion that I am not a gym person. By the time you get dressed, make it out the door, fight for a parking spot, and wait your turn to use a machine, I'm already tired. I could have just worked out at home.

What I use for exercising is our Wii. We've got Wii Fit with the balance board and also Wii Active. I'm usually sweating by the time I finish. The kids sometimes join me, so I feel like I'm encouraging them to exercise, too.

As for the kids learning to swim at age 4, I just signed my 4 year old up, and my daughter started when she was 4, too. Some people say it's better at that age because the kids are more in control of their movements.

[eileen]

I love the language confusion. I live in a sometimes bilingual world (American living in Chile, some Chileans speak English, most expats speak Spanish), and it's amazing what we come up with by accident from time to time.

Now if the manager tell's the trainer you're elderly, the question is, will she figure out the linguistic snafu and be able to find you? Because you are definitley not old!