Hunkering down

Well, here I am. Still here but suffering from a chronic case of porridge brain.  I have SO much on the go that my brain is just shutting down.  I had a meeting yesterday and drove to the completely wrong place.  The day before, I drove to my old house twice.  However, it was the incident yesterday afternoon that made me realize I *have* to slow down.

I was pulled over by the cops yesterday.  I was driving to my shrink appointment, and I saw blue lights flashing behind me.  So I pulled over to let the cops past, as one does. Except the officer flashed his lights at me and gesticulated wildly - 'pull over lady'.  Huh? Maybe something fell off my car?

I pulled over and rolled my window down.  "Drivers license please". Showed him my license.  "Lady, do you know you were speeding? Where are you going to in such a hurry?"  Now this is a normal police man, not a traffic cop.  Why on earth was he pulling me over.

Me:  I was speeding? Sorry, I didn't even notice
Officer:  You were speeding down the road, then you overtook a car on the solid barrier line and then two seconds later overtook another car. What is going on with you?
Me:  Pointing at my enormous belly  This is going on with me, this baby is sucking all the blood from my brain! I am really sorry, I didn't even notice I overtook the car.
Officer:  Pointing accusingly at rather forlorn looking car chugging past two minutes later There! That is the car you just overtook, he had to swerve out to avoid you.
Me:  I am really sorry, I honestly didn't even know I did that
Officer: Lady, you need to go home and lie down.  I don't think you should be driving.

And it was true! I honestly did not remember doing that.  My mind was a total blank.  I told my shrink about it, and she said I am running on full on anxiety. And I am.  It is like I have a million things to do, and I am pushing myself to the limit. My mind is just shutting down. And now my body has too :-(  I am getting a horrible cold. 

I don't know why, but I have this compulsion to get every thing ready for Max's arrival. I have this thing in my head, that everything needs to be ready and prepared.  I think it was because I was so mentally and emotionally ill prepared for the newborn stage with the twins, that I am terrified of being in that scary place again. And I feel as if I will only cope if I have all my 'stuff' ready.

And that stupid 'bag', that hospital / baby bag, has become symbolic of my preparedness.  I never had a bag before, but now it feels as if unless I have this bloody bag ready, I wont be ready. And it is not as simple as throwing a few things in the bag, the bag is bigger than that. The 'bag' is making sure all his clothes are washed three times, and ironed. And then packed in his cupboard and some in the bag. That all his bottles are sterilized. That I have nappies, wipes, towels and blankets.  My logical brain knows that all of this is symbolic, and has nothing to do with how easy / hard / whatever it will be when he arrives, but my inner psyche can't let go of it. And I am not going to try fight it. I will get the bloody 'bag' ready. It is almost ready.

I have this strong, deep urge to hunker down, to prepared myself for the onslaught of the first few weeks.  My logical mind keeps telling me that it wont be as bad as it was, that one is easier than two, that I am an experienced mother now, but those first few weeks with A&K really affected me deeply.  I am driving myself crazy.

Please don't tell me to just relax, or don't stress. Believe me, I would if I could.  I can't. Instead what I am doing, is going about this in the only way I know how. By preparing my world around me to give myself some semblance of control and comfort.  If things are way, way better than what I fear, then I will be in for a very pleasant surprise. If they are as tough as I remember, at least this time I will be prepared. I will have packed my symbolic bag. 

Comments

[Natt]

The day I went into early labour with my 2nd I ran around like a loon buying a new microwave and toaster for husband and 1st son - ours had died and there was no way I could leave them without them for 3 days or they would surely starve! Completely batty - I knew first born was staying with my mum the whole time, and husband more than capable of visiting the pub and takeouts, but hey pregnancy in later stages does weird things to your brain!

I think like you too - worst case scenario, then I can only be happy. 2nd experience wasnt too bad - though you do forget just how mindnumbing that exhaustion is. The hardest part I found was trying to feed and organise a newborn, whilst dealing with a toddler wanting attention. Or trying desperately not to let the newborn wails wake the toddler up in the middle of the night.

But its good. Just take each day as it comes. And that bag? It will never be right - I packed and repacked mine about 8 times and I still had to send husband home for more nappies/sleepsuits/nick blankets from the hospital with both sons. They keep you on your toes at an early age :-)

[cat]

I have one word of consollation, "normal". Everything you are doing and experiencing is completely normal. Love and light to you girl.

[Charleen]

I would give you a hug but I know you are not the touchy feely kinda girl so I will just say that I am thinking of you and you will do just marvelously as you always do despite you not thinking you can.

[Wendy]

Tertia - if I could take on a bit of your anxiety at this time for you, I would. You are amazing and incredible girlfriend. It will all be ok. xxxx

[BiancaW]

So? Are you taking some time out from Nurture and work to get your "bag" ready.

Would it be okay for Rose to wash the clothes 3 times and iron them, so that you can tick that off the "bag" list?

Dunno, just thinking of ways to try and settle your nerves.

Good luck for the next stage. You will do just fine, becuase of all the reasons you listed.

[Fatima M.]

Tertia, you are an amazing woman, and I admire the way you take charge of whatever is happenning in your life. As another poster wrote "I have one word of consollation, "normal". Everything you are doing and experiencing is completely normal.". I did the exact same thing, right down to re-washing and re-ironing everything, and went to bed the night before at about 11, 'cause I needed to double check everything for the hundreth time! Hugs to you Tertia.

[Kirsty]

Hmmm - I predict labour imminently! This stinks of a HUGE case of nesting!!! Good luck! Can't wait to hear the news! x

[Suzanne]

Bugger the bag. Bugger the world. You are nesting. It is normal to want to hunker down. That is the whole evolutionary purpose of nesting!

Say hallo to Max for me - I predict "min dae"!

[Veronica]

Go eat some cheese and then some chocolate. You need to keep your energy up, right? Pity you can't get sloshed drunk. That would work.

[Paz]

Seems normal to me. I am not prone to anxiety and yet I felt quite similarly. One minute at a time. Hope the bag being ready provides some relief.

[Adi]

Ja well, if it wasn't for some of the INCREDIBLY slow idiotic Capetonian sleeping drivers on the road, we'd all get to our destinations in good time without having to drive like Johburg maniacs.

AND would that cop do that to a taxi driver? Huh??? Tell him to go home and lie down, that he shouldn't be driving?? Where are THOSE drivers' brains being sucked away to, what's their excuse? DID YOU TELL HIM THAT???

Next post better show us a picture of the bag.

Yes. That time. Sorry. My periods ARE regular, despite the PCOS...sigh

[Lala]

Do you get much maternity leave? Can you start it now please? You're scaring me.
BTW - normal, sure, but a wee bit dangerous

[wendy]

Instead of you having to do it, can't you just make a list of all that you want done, and hand it off to your family to help you finish it? I am sure they would not mind. You could still be the director, and they could be your work crew.

[Tripsmom]

I went to hospital with my toothbrush and a spare G-Sting stuffed into my trousers pocket - I say no more! You would not want to hear the rest. Even if you had half a bag packed it would be WAY more than I had taken with me.

[Darckchocolate]

You sound more prepared than most people already. I went to give birth with two books (to read in between contrcations. you know) and a packet of dried fruit. My daughter is now 17. the kids .. they are resilient

[Barbara]

Ah well then, I won't tell you to relax. Second babies have the reputation of being easy, so I hope Max lives up to it. And as you point out, one has got to be easier than two. There may be some people who aren't anxious when faced with childbirth, but I wasn't one of them, so I sympathize.

[Amy]

I predict that in a month you're going to be writing that if you'd known how much easier it would be to have a single full term infant at home than it was to have premature twins, you wouldn't have been freaking out.

I'm so excited for you that you *finally* get to experience the normality that most of us annoying "fertiles" take for granted.

Adam and Kate are going to be a huge help, too. Max is an against-all-odds baby - he'll probably sleep through the night, breastfeed like a champ, limit himself to only filling (not overfilling) his diapers, cheerfully wear the same clothes for 3 days without getting them dirty, and learn calculus and ancient Greek by pre-school.

It's going to be GREAT. Sure, it's nerve wracking, and you sound like you have a bad case of placenta head. It's your body's way of telling you to slow down.

I think the hospital bag is just homework they give us so that we'll have something to do to "get ready." I completely forgot mine when my first child was born, and remembered it with my second. I didn't use anything in it, anyway, the second time! After the baby was born, there was plenty of time for my husband to bring me a change of clothes, my toothbrush, etc. Let it go.

Will your doctor let you have a glass of wine?

[Jean]

I wish I could come over and help you pack your bag, and organize the nursery for you.

For me, I needed to get everything tied up at work so that when I went on my 6 month maternity leave, I wouldn't have to think about work at all. I was scheduled to be induced on a Sunday night, was heading into the office on Saturday afternoon to tie up some loose ends. My water broke on the way to get lunch before I went into work. I went home and called the doctor and asked if it was okay if I went to the office before I went to the hospital. He laughed and said okay, and told me he'd had women take conference calls while in labor, so he understood.

So I took a car service and my husband came with me, and I tucked a towel between my legs -- yes, I did -- and I went to the office. I had the car wait in front of the office. My husband stood over me while I wrote about 50 emails and letters at a furious pace, gave instructions on everthing I could think of, and by the time I left, the towel was no longer enough.

People thought I was insane, but I can't tell you how much better I felt when I checked into the hospital having that off my plate.

Once you get your bag packed and everything ready, you'll feel so much better.

I will tell you that for my first, I had his room completely ready, all his little clothes washed and folded (not ironed, THAT is crazy!), all his little diapers etc. lined up. My bag was packed, everything was ready.

For my twins, who came 9 weeks early, I had NOTHING. My mother had bought me a bassinet, but I had done nothing to get ready for them I was so depressed. And it all turned out more than fine.

[kathleen999]

I so sympathize with you. Is there any way that Rose can take any of this on for you while you are at work? You must take care of yourself and Max.

I really understand the need to be as ready as possible. You will get there and this time it will be manageable. Two is exponentially harder, not just twice as hard. You will really be okay this time.

[Woody's Girl]

The night before my water broke (and I went into labor, and delivered), I was consumed with the urgent need to get all the Christmas stuff PUT AWAY. NOW! My poor husband was diligently re-packing the tree lights under my "supervision," and I fell asleep sitting up in the chair next to him.

4 hours later, my water broke.

I think the urgency of getting things ready - and the loss of brain cells - increases exponentially as you get closer to delivery. In fact, I'm sure there must be medical papers on the subject.

Good luck, T, and DRIVE SAFELY. We don't need you hospitalized for any reason other than delivering Max. K?

[victoria]

This post has me really worried: you are driving recklessly without even knowing it. Please, do whatever you need to (including asking Marko or Rose for help) in order to stay safe.

[Kristin]

There is absolutely nothing logical about this stage of pregnancy. I'm sorry its hitting so hard.

[Judy]

Raid the pantry - you will feel so much better. Works for me, at least!

This, too, shall pass...and hopefully sooner rather than later (I'm looking forward to "meeting" your Max!).

[D]

When I get that feeling... esp before vacation. I make a shit to do list. With everything, even stuff I have already done, then I can check things off the list and it helps to calm me and reassure I haven't forgotten to do things and I have at least gotten X amount done so far...

Also...your a IF girl deep deep down... don't we all live with the saying "Expect the worst - Hope for the best and Settle with outcome" Or some variation of that...

Good luck. Can't wait to see pics of the new addition and the new home! Congrats. You're so strong.

PS - Call you mom - she can come hang out at your house and help you out.

[Nancy]

the one thing I will say for your first few weeks with Max is that 1 baby is A LOT easier than 2. I have BTDT even to having my last child near forty and there is a big difference when you are only feeding one baby in the middle of the night and then just going to sleep. Good luck!!

[emilyinpdx]

Time to stop driving for a while. Exhaustion and pregnancy brain are no excuse for endangering others. Go home and put your feet up, and have somebody help you with all that nesting stuff.

[Celtic Mom]

With regards to the cop saying you were driving recklessly, I would take it with a huge pinch of salt. Firstly he was a normal policeman and not a metro/traffic cop, so he has no juristiction in a traffic situation (and I have seen people drive right through a red robot in front of a normal cop and he did absolutely NOTHING) and secondly, as I said last week in my 24.com blog, I was pulled over by a off duty metro cop who accused me of driving without my seatbelt on (complete lie), driving at 112km (no way I could have or would have) and numerous other things. None of what he accused me of was true, and even though I was crying and very distressed, he carried on with his vitriol. Only when I said I was pregnant, did he suddenly backtrack and let me go. Very fishy indeed. Everyone I have told the story to have said he was looking for a bribe. Unfortunately I think the same may be true in your case as well. I doubt that you would have forgotten overtaking 2 cars in a dangerous way.

[Ute]

Dear Tertia, I haven't read any of the previous comments, but I'm sure quite a lot of parents will be able to confirm that the second time round is nowhere near as hard as the first. Especially when there's only one newborn instead of two. It took me about three months to really adjust to taking care of my daughter. It took me about three weeks to adjust to life with another baby. Not even the fact that I lost a kidney (five weeks after No. 2 was born) really managed to throw me out of my routine once I had left hospital again.

Plus, your twins no longer need to have nappies changed, they can tell you clearly what they want, they can play on their own for a while - and they can even help. And... you have a nanny.

In short: You'll manage perfectly fine. Promised. :-)

[Colleen]

Tertia--Good for you! I have an 8-month-old girl, and even though I thought I was ready for her birth, I had left a lot of little odds & ends not done (like sterilizing bottles, setting up the changing table, etc). And when we got home from the hospital--wham! We were full-on into 24/7 baby care without a moment to finish any of those last-minute items. So be as over-prepared as you feel the need to be. It will pay off later. Unfortunately, nothing can help with the severe lack of sleep you'll feel after the baby arrives. It is hell. But just keep comforting yourself with the fact that it only lasts for a short while (maybe 9-12 weeks), and then it gets a little easier, and a little easier, until one day you realize you haven't had to get up in the middle of the night for weeks. Then you can breathe again. Good luck!

[ruth]

babe, work your little ass off . . . no way are those hormones going to ease up til maxi boy shows his lovely self to the world . . . the energy has to go somewhere. but, if you are driving even slightly erratically (i had an accident only a few weeks after amelia was born, my fault, didn't even see the bleddy car), then DON'T DRIVE. do what you need to, but hand the life threatening stuff (like driving the twins around) TO SOMEONE ELSE. take a cab (for all i know you may be rofl - what is the cab situation there?) or make marko drive you, or your dad, or SOMEONE ELSE.

apart from that, so many people will be wanting to give you stuff, anything you have forgotten will be lost in the rush of presents.

finally . . . no matter what you do, you can't control the outcome. i know you try to, and want to, but its not in your hands. you can control your world to the tiniest weeniest details, but what will happen will happen.

you have a team of experts and supporters and us lot rooting for you, to ensure a good outcome. so i wont say relax, or to let go, but to take a few quiet minutes to yourself and just breathe for a while, acknowledging in that little fear-filled anxious mind of yours that while this is scary and unknown and beyond your experience, you are an amazon woman like your mom and you will manage, whatever happens, because that is what you do.

i predict a pretty easy birth scenario, with it being all over really quickly, and max going straight to sleep on your boobs, and you wondering what the hell just happened . . .

bugger the bag, just have the damn baby already!!!!

[Sarah]

Slow down....sloooooowwwwwww doooowwwwwwwnnnnnnnn.

Do you feel like you're revving in high gear? That's different than the overwhelming urge to nest.

Sloooooowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
Doooooooooowwwwwwwwwwwnnnnn

You can still be who you want to be while going slow!

hugs (slow ones)

[Schae]

shame man! I so get what you're saying! Lurker finally commenting.
Write it down! Write all the stuff that needs doing down. That's what works for me. Coz once it's on paper then it's doable and it's not all in your head kwim? Then you can relish in crossing them off bit by bit. Oh yes, cheat too. Write stuff like, "Brush teeth" or "Put shoes on" lol, so that you can cross MORE stuff off!
You'll be okay though, coz there isn't another option.

[J from Ireland]

I can only imagine how hard it was with twins but you did it. I admire that in you, having only ever had singles myself. It is a very anxious time for you, try not to be too hard on yourself. I think you will be fine. Kind thoughts and prayers to you T.

[Carrie Jo]

Washing the clothes 3 times! Sounds crazy now, but I have a feeling that come late December, early January, I'll be feeling the same craziness. Hope everything is way easier than last time and all this crazy preparing is the worst of it.

[heleen]

What I don't understand is that a lot of pregnant women just KEEP ON GOING. Even on the last day of their pregnancy they are working, housekeeping, DIY, whatever. Why don't you just do NOTHING until the baby has arrived. Go sit on the couch, doze and delegate. The only thing you need to do is sleep eat and write lists and give 'm to people to do and to get. It's that simple. Even when you are just sitting on the couch you are already doing a big job, letting that baby grow. Come on T, you've been pregnant so many times, you really should know better.

[Mari]

To help myself prepare for my new twins I imagined all sorts of crazy scenario's, for me thinking about the worst case was the best way for me to deal. If the worst case did happen then I was prepared, but it never got to that and I felt in the first few weeks that it wasn't as tough.

[Flicka]

Wow, your cops are way kinder than our cops!

I haven't ever been pregnant so I can't really say that I understand. But anxious? I have been that and I understand at least a fraction of what you're saying. I hope you can get everything done in time. You're doing great with everything.

xxx
Flicka

[Carolyn]

I completely and totally get it... you just do what you've got to do... But will concur with anyone else who may have said it... I've had twins and I've had a singleton, and baby, there's no comparison... the first it was all a blur... the second there were actually lots of nice quiet moments together... so much different. Not trying to change anything you're thinking and feeling now, just passing that on. It's much easier, you'll see...

[minni]

oh no, i feel so bad for you. i am a rare commenter. but just had to stop and say don't beat yourself up for feeling this way. that is adding yet another level of stress. i have 3 kids, a singleton the first time, and twins the 2nd time, and honestly, the 2nd time was easier than the first time. if you can believe that, repeat to yourself like a mantra - it will be easier.
could you take some sleeping pills like ambien and get some more sleep? perhaps that could help.

[Gabrielle]

Tertia,

I'm only 17 1/2 weeks pregnant and this has already started. Not to the point you are at, but.. It's started.

Make a list. Get some help to help you wash and iron. Sister Mel or someone can take the kids for two or three afternoons and you can just get stuff done (with a person or two helping you, not by yourself!) Have hubby help put furniture in place. And for gods sakes woman, BREATHE.

Have someone take Adam and Kate for 2-3 days so you can get solid nights of sleep after working all day. You're going to need the energy, and if you're worn out, your recovery won't be any better or faster.

[Melissa in TN]

Everything was perfect for months before I had my daughter. With my son, born in January, I was so unprepared. I had so much to do with my daughter I didn't have time to have everything "just so" with my little guy.

You have a full-time job, two energetic kids and a husband, your mother has just finished chemo and you've just bought a house, sold a house and moved. You've done all this while blogging and running a business. Wow! Moms can do anything!

Hang in there, dear. I am thinking of you.

[Saki]

I did the very same thing when I was about 30 weeks pregnant! The officer advised me to stop driving. I didn't listen, and the very next day drove straight into the back of a very large truck. I thought he "came out of nowhere," but alas, he had been waiting several minutes for the light to turn green. I was just oblivious.

Relax and allow yourself to be chauffeured :)