Moving house

This is the last weekend in this house, by next weekend we will have moved into our new house.  I feel really sad about it. Excited to move into the new house, but quite sad and emotional about moving.

Marko and I had this house built.  We were pregnant with Luke and Ben, after many years of infertility and IVFs, and this house was to be our celebration of new life.  While they were building it, we walked through the foundations and half built walls and fantasized where we would put the cots, the babies’ things etc.

And then Luke died, and I was hospitalized for five weeks trying to keep Ben inside. And then he was born and died 10 days later. I had to come home to a new home that was once so full of promise and now resonated with so much pain. Poor Marko had to do everything by himself, finish that whole house alone as I just couldn’t.

But then, our next IVF worked and suddenly the house was filled with (very cautious) hope again. And once the twins were born, they came home to this house.  The first few weeks were damn tough, but they passed and things just got better and better. We had a jungle gym built, a play room and soon our home and garden were filled with toys, bikes and lots of laughter.  This house had come to represent everything that was good and beautiful in my life and I never wanted to leave it. Perfect for an anti social being like myself! This house is my safe house, in so many ways.  I almost too scared to change anything in case I upset this wonderful equilibrium I have created.

And now we are moving.  I feel a little sad and anxious about it. Our new home is beautiful, and it will be a beautiful new chapter as a family of five, but I still feel sad.  But, as I said, our new house is really lovely, a real grown up house. And it is just down the road from my mom.  I should be happy. I am happy! I am just a little sad too.

There is a tree in the garden that was planted just after we moved in.  A beautiful oak.  It was planted in memory of Ben.  It will be left behind.  I know his memory comes with us, but I am sad to leave.

Sorry for the downer post.  The hormones must be kicking in big time because I am feeling really weepy today :-(  I am sure I will feel better tomorrow xxx

Comments

[Gill]

{{hugs}} Tertia. I know just how you feel, preggie hormones or not, moving from a much-loved home is always hard.

[BiancaW]

We had to sell our house that we moved into when we came back from the UK, with our baby son. I felt the same way you do - it is a very emotional thing. Those memories and photos are always there though, and you do get over it. (and I mean "get over" in a good way).

[Boulder]

You are gorgeous & divine, and I adore you. You can be sad about leaving without worrying that it is a downer to us to read about it.

Have you considered planting a family tree at the new place? Certainly more trees can be planted than one for such a loved little boy. Think of a tree that you can see your family enjoying the shade from on a hot summer's day, and plant that kind. Or one that you think the kids will all enjoy climbing as they get older.

So much is going on for you right now, remember to give yourself the space to experience the emotions with the move. If you do it best here, then just do it - don't worry about what anyone here will think.

xoxo

[SwissTwist]

*hugs*

Enjoy your last weekend in the house, be sure to snog Marko in every corner!! (as oppossed to christening every corner when you moved in *w*)
Best of luck with the packing, moving and unpacking.

[wendy]

You are awesome and amazing and so so brave and it will all be ok. Ben (and Luke) will be with you wherever you go. I do understand tho - I planted a tree for my baby I lost and I know that I will be sad when I move on one day too. Wishing I could give you a hug -altho I know you arent huggy - sometimes they are just what we need ;-) xxxxx00000xxxxx

[Tripsmom]

Why don't you take the tree with you - I have a friend who has moved a tree 6 times already.
Good luck with the move!!

[ruth]

oh tertia, i just sold a house on the grounds of which were buried my miscarried babies, where my emily had come home and lived for eight weeks before she died, and where my other two girls lived through my marriage breakup and divorce, to my meeting andrew. and where amelia, the 22 years later baby, spent time while i prepared it for sale. where our puppies and kittens and cats grew and died, and where one set of dreams was conceived and then died, and then a new one was born.

we had a beautiful rose in the garden, that a dear friend gave me to remember emily.

my mum took a cutting of the rose, and it is flourishing in her garden. we have a new house, and amelia, and i have survived the change and my three girls have also. my dreams are where they fell, making way to the new ones that rose like phoenixes - from the sad ashes of loss into renewed hope.

honour your grief dear one - you have earned it. and you will pass through this and onto the next phase, because that is what you do.

and max will be born into a house that resonates with the sound of happy healthy children, and a mom and dad that are perfect for him. with shouting and laughing and jumping and crying. with a house full of life. and the gentle spirits of ben and luke will be there too, wrapped around you like soft gauze, almost tangible but invisible to the eye. they will come with you wherever you go. they are yours, part of you forever, until your own death.

kisses (at a distance) and hugs (ditto) . . . i wish you so much beauty in your new lovely house.

[tess]

this is a great post...one of your best. i wish you could add it as an appendix to SO CLOSE (available on AMAZON.com !!)

if it upsets you, have you considered taking a cutting from the oak and planting it in the yard or uprooting the whole tree? and if you can let it go, do. ben remains a member of your family.

i don't think it is hormones. we soon will be leaving our place, which we only rent! but it is the only home my kids have only known, every mark on the wall means something. it's where our family started. i can't imagine being a family anywhere else.

bundles of smooches

[Whitney]

We moved last summer from the first house we'd ever owned--had been there for 9.5 years. We'd planted every tree, flower, plant, etc., and done tons of personal touches. We'd brought both our babies home there, which was the hardest part about leaving. Oh, I cried and cried over leaving that house, even though our new house is wonderful and much better suited to us! It's just so emotional when you know you've outgrown your house but you still love it just the same.

[Orange]

Yes, I'm with Boulder. Plant a new Ben tree at your new house. The people buying your old house might be irked to move in and discover a muddy hole where there used to be a young oak tree—or you could ask them if they'd mind if you took the memorial tree.

[furiousBall]

moving is always hard amiga, i really like boulder's suggestion and whenever you get advice on the internets, you have to do it.

[Woody's Girl]

I loved Ruth's response - so well written! And I was also going to suggest that you take the tree with you. Certainly that can be done in SA?! It's done in the US all the time - even full-grown trees! (sometimes for movie sets, etc.)

As a deal sweetener (for the buyers of your current/old house), you could offer to plant a tree of their choosing in the hole created by you taking Ben's tree. Surely that would be acceptable to them.

Look forward, my friend, not back. You have a lifetime of HAPPINESS ahead of you, with two darling children, an awesome DH, and your Max-imum surprise! ;-) Enjoy the new house, and please post more pictures.

Love,
Jennifer

P.S. If you haven't already done this, please go around and take pictures - inside and out - of your current home, to immortalize this special place.

[Jennifer Rindfleisch]

We just moved into our big person house too. I have to say, I wasn't as sad as you. I couldn't wait to leave our old house. We lost our twins in that home and continued down the infertility road in that house. I knew getting into a new home would lessen my pain and it has.

That being said, I completely understand your feelings of sadness, since your home turned into such a happy, safe, and loving place to be. With Max arriving soon, your new home will be filled with a lot of new memories and new laughter. You will get to see Kate and Adam as big siblings and watch little Max grow into a nice young man. Memories of Ben will always be with, nothing will take that away.

I am not sure if someone else suggested this, but maybe take a good picture of Ben's tree, so you can frame it and hang it somewhere in your new home?

Enjoy your last weekend.
J

[kristylynne]

I completely understand your sadness. I felt that way when we moved away from the first house we lived in after we got married.

Plant a tree at the new house for Ben.

Kristy

[Kristin]

{{{Hugs}}} and why don't you have the tree dug up and take it with you.

[s]

Take the tree, don't leave it behind! You'll be so glad you did and while it may cost a bit to move a slightly bigger tree it will be so worth it.

[sass]

*BIG HUGS*

[L.]

Oh, Tertia. This was very poignant to read. (And, as others have said, please don't worry about being a downer. That's how life is sometimes.) Not to mention that, among all the many memories that you are thinking about right now, moving just plain sucks. I find it disrupting and difficult even when the house *doesn't* have that kind of emotional attachment.

That said, I love the idea of planting a new tree, getting permission to bring that one with you (if it can be done), taking a cutting, etc. I believe with most trees you can graft a piece of one onto another; so you could plant a new tree and graft a piece of the old onto it. Just some way of preserving or continuing that symbolism.

Finally, congratulations on your new home! It will soon have all sorts of wonderful happy new memories attached to it, and I hope it becomes your new safe haven soon.

[laura]

I get it. I get weepy every time I think about moving. Excited, but weepy.

Do you have a favorite room or spot in your current house? Maybe you could replicate or make something similar in the new one!

[Stephanie in PR]

my first pregnancy ended in miscarriage and when I held what-would-have-been-my-baby in my hands, I knew I couldn't just throw it in the trash. But my hsband is in the Army, meaning we move a lot, and I also couldn't bear the idea of leaving him behind. So I buried him (I think) under a tree at my parnets' home. Anyway, just wantng to say that I understand your feelings.

[Kirsty]

Oh - what a beautiful post! I felt sad too, when we left our dream home behind in the UK, to start a new life in SA! I know exactly how you feel - happy and excited about the new, yet sentimental and sad about the old! Do yourself a favour - photograph your house and capture all your memories of it NOW - whilst it's still a HOME! Because when you walk around the house when its empty, you realise that without you and your family - it is nothing but a shell! YOU made the house what it was - and you will take all what it was with you to the new house! AND - take the tree! You'll regret it if you don't! Happy packing! x

[Adi]

Oh it's so hard to leave a place behind. But it's a new beginning and your new place will always be a huge association with Max's arrival. Go hug that tree and take a few leaves in a big book with you. Good luck with the move. I hope Marco is doing everything (thank goodness you have an anal man, imagine how you would be driven PEANUTS with a disorganised one...)

[Rae]

I thought this was a great post!! Oh the stories these walls of our homes hold! Sad, happy, exciting, they are all within the walls. You are about to create new memories in a new house. Some sad, and hopefully many happy ones!!!
Good luck!!

[Sue]

When we moved, I felt the same way - and nine years later, that house still holds warm and wistful memories. It represented so many beginnings. But once we had a few celebrations in our new home, it became ours. Bringing a new baby home to your new home will make your new place have its own special memories right away! Blessings!

[Jean]

If the oak tree has recently dropped acorns, then you can plant a new tree from them. If you need directions, email me. Otherwise, you can take some of the leaves and preserve them. Or you can paint some of the leaves and stems with clear wax that is melted, and after the leaves dry, you can display them in a vase.

[Paz]

Change is hard, and this one is particularly tough, the oak tree especially touches me. I like Jean's ideas to try and take some of with you, especially the part of taking some acorns and planting them.

I can see that you'll be happy in your new home, but for now be weepy, cry and feel it all. There is reason for the sadness...just as there is reason to be joyful about the coming move.

[Laura]

Gosh Tertia I had no idea about Ben and Luke :(

Moving house is terrible sad! It broke my heart to leave of my house more than leaving my ex. I still mourn for that house *sigh*

((HUGS))

[Kez]

Change is always hard for me. I focus on what I am losing, and forget what I am gaining. I had to leave a much loved home too, the home that I brought my son to after he was finally released from hospital after his premature birth.

However, once I was in my new place I became focussed on what I had gained by the move. My new home does not have the baby nursery that my old one did - but it has the crazy chaos of a toddler's bedroom. I still have pictures and memories of the old place - but I have the pleasure now of creating new and different memories in this home.

Re Ben's tree - do whatever your gut and heart tells you to do. You can definitely take a piece with you to grow a new tree or place in a memory box or book. Take the whole tree if you feel you need to. In this situation I think whatever FEELS right to you is what IS right. Ben will always be a part of your family and therefore he will be wherever you are.

[Michelle]

If I was the person moving into your house I know that tree would be special to me. If I had children, I would look at them playing around it and feel so blessed. If I was trying for children and suffering, I would know I was not alone. If I didn't have children, I would honour it as a beautiful, strong symbol of the human spirit.

I hope the new family has as many dreams come true in their new home.

Smooth moving and enjoy the grown-up house!

xx

[Terri]

We just moved from the house we started our family in 10 years ago, and it is hard. We planted a cherry tree in the front yard the month before our daughter was born and in the 7 years it has grown into a gorgeous centerpiece of our yard. I miss that more than anything else. We are going to plant new trees here -- one for each child and one for our kitty who died 2 years ago. And as it happens, our new house has lots of mature flowering trees, but no Yoshino cherries, which are the ones I love best. I love the idea of growing a new tree from acorns, and I think you should plant some for Adam, Kate and Max. Hope the move goes well!