WWYD? (What would you do?)

**Warning: Liberal use of the F word to follow**

A friend of a friend would like to know your input on the following:

If you ask your partner to do something, something you think is a legitimate request* (please wash the dishes and / or pack away the laundry / bath the kids / put the kids to bed etc), and they either sigh dramatically or roll their eyes, do you:

1. Think ‘fuck you buddy’ and do it yourself because you are not going to beg for help, or
2. Think ‘fuck you buddy, you WILL do it’ and then get all cross inside because they should do it without bloody moaning, or
3. Ignore the eye rolling; you don’t care how they react as long as they do it, or
4. Kill the fucker
   

The friend of a friend does mostly A or sometimes B, when she knows she really should do C but she just can't help herself, it drives her CRAZY!!! Maybe doing D will solve the problem.

*’legitimate request’ in that you do it most of the time, and really, they can help you out every once in a while.

Edited to add: To be fair, the husband does do a fair amount around the house, 'his' chores. The problem comes in when asked to help with what he considers 'her' chores. And she also suspects that the eye rolling is more for effect than for anything else, but STILL!  It still drives her crazy.

Comments

[Joy Anne]

i'm very lucky in this respect. my partner is more hands on than most dads / partners in the house / kids / food dept

[Linda Stewart]

When I was married and my girls were little I did none of the above. I forgot doing HIS laundry, I brought dinner home for myself and the kids so I wouldn't have dishes to do and HE had NO dinner, I would bath the kids cause Lord knows they always needed it, then I wouldn't force them to bed at their usual time. The later they were awake the more rambunctious they became and I knew it got so under HIS skin he couldn't stand it. When they girls would whine for something I would send them to daddy. He learned real quick it was easier to do what was asked than deal with the wrath of ME later.

[pops]

let your father sort it [him] out

[Tertia]

Hehehe Dad, he is going to kill me!

[4katnap]

Ignore him but expect it to get done. Reacting to the eye rolls just encourages more of the same.

If that doesn't work...D. It might make you feel better but then you have to do the chore any way so... Maybe rvert to B.

Or let Pops handle it! He sounds like a cool dad!

[Katie]

My husband learned a long... long time ago not to do that. There is only one person that is allowed to roll her eyes in this house and that would be me.

[Liz]

That is why you have to 'train' him earlier in the marriage to help out. My husband is pretty good, he helps out a lot at home. I guess growing up with a big family helped. Doesn't matter what, never just do it yourself, otherwise he will never do anything!

[kate]

It's not so much that I get eye rolls or sighs, but "yeah sure I can do that" and then later realize it was never done....argh! Take for example, taking the trash out (that's not my job, but I end up doing it on occasion) or the dishes weren't put away. I'd like to think that he's just forgetful and that it isn't him being lazy. I may have to start the process in the evening to get the bedtime started but then he's good about taking over the bath-time and reading time. So for me learning to compromise on some of these things is a good thing! Bottom line for me, is that if my honey husband says he is going to do something, he just must do it! Whenever and however (within reason)! Also I don't think men can multi-task and compartmentalize to-do's like women can. :)

[Karen @ Chez Perky]

My husband never does this. I ask him to do something (or, more often - he just does it without being asked) and he does it. But IF he rolled his eyes and sighed dramatically, I'd likely choose option B, even though it's completely unreasonable, and I should go with option C or D.

[Dolce]

Makes my blood boil just thinking about it. Grr.

[a]

My husband does lots of stuff around the house...of his own volition. HOWEVER, should I ask him to do something, it is a huge imposition that he just can't tolerate. So, I merely consider myself lucky that he does so much and try not to ask him to do anything. Otherwise, I would go straight to D.

[Ruta]

My husband is generally very involved (I hate to say helpful, it's his damn house/kids, too) *but* he's huge on the sighs and eyerolls. I usually do a variation of B: expect him to do it, but tell him he just sighed/eyerolled and that pissed me off. Sometimes he really didn't mean the sigh; those seem inadvertent with him. Not so much the eyerolls, though.

[Amy]

I would have a talk with him, at some neutral time, about his horrible attitude, and how it's OUR house and they're OUR kids and so they're OUR responsibility.

If that didn't work, I would go with the ol' "If you want to act like a child, I'm going to treat you like a child." And I don't have sex with children, you know?

[Anna]

I voted C, but I don't really ignore him (let's not be PC, shall we?): I actually give him a little mocking chuckle.

[becky]

I do C. My point-of-view has ALWAYS been who *cares* how they feel, as long as they do it! And the same rule applies to kids: if you get bent out of shape every time a kid balks at doing a chore, then you're going to have REALLY high blood pressure by the time they're 5! :)

I think as human beings we're entitled to have preferences -- we can hate doing dishes, hate being told what to do etc. A lot of time with husbands I think it just feels *too* much like mommy asking them to do chores. When our division-of-labor gets too lopsided, I sit down with hubby, give him a backrub, and explain that I'm overwhelmed. Then we brainstorm ways for him to take some of the load off. He's usually happy to do so. Then it's more like we're cooperating to make OUR life better, rather than me directing him like he's just another kid in the house.

[Sara]

I'm working on option C. I'd say I'm about 90% there. Option B does sometimes emerge though (but I'm not cross inside-I'm cross in his face). Haven't killed him yet.

[Molly Morgan]

Much worse than rolling eyes; this is the reason I am going to stay for the weekend with my *f-word* mother, with my charming baby.
Somebody needs to learn a serious lesson around our house.
First time for everything, right?
Since I've only ever trusted infant with a babysitter once (for an hour!), I should just pack & go alone, but I think someone needs to learn why he wants to be an active part of a family.

[Kim]

I do "a" more than anything else, although I'm striving toward "c". I have wanted to kill him many, many times, but haven't come close yet, because then I would be stuck doing all the chores all the time alone! lol Of course, I'd only have half as much laundry/dishes/cleaning up to do if he wasn't here....

Hmmmmmmm.

Maybe I should really consider "d"?

Nah, I still like him. ;)

[tess]

ask him, straight out what all the eye rolling is about.

"is what i am asking you to do so unreasonable?" "if you don't do it, who will?"

unless the issue is discussed, the circle of dissatisfaction is going to continue. and their child(ren) might be getting old enough to pick up on the bad example repeatedly being set.

definitely clear it out. air it. let him try to explain why he feels the eye roll is necessary, why he is unwilling to help, and your friend why the eyeroll ticks her off.

ps - don't discuss at the time it happens, that just makes them confrontational/defensive. after kids are in bed is a good time.

[Bee]

As a close personal friend of your friend of a friend, I voted D - kill them. I think the friend of a friend as every right to kill the offending party in this situation. Ph me on tips for good body burying sites. I mean tell your friend of a friend to phone me. I've done this before - sssh don't tell.

[Beth]

Don't forget that *if* they even CONSIDER helping you out, it will be on *their* time (you know... "tomorrow"), which translates into you getting so tired of waiting that you end up doing it yourself anyway.

And strangely enough... it works every time.

[hayesmary]

I didn't vote in the poll, because none of your choices work for me.

Really? Sighing and rolling your eyes? That's childish and disrespectful. And that would have been a dealbreaker, way before we entered a serious relationship. If I ask for assistance, and my life partner responds with contempt (and yes, an eye roll is a strong indictor of contempt, not necessarily global but at least circumstantial contempt), I would be furious. To me, that's unacceptable behavior. If my children saw it, that would make it even worse. But I'm with Tess, I would ask, is this an unreasonable request? Is there something more urgent that needs doing right now? How do you suggest we manage X? An adult doesn't respond with eye-rolling, an adult says "I'm busy with X, but I could do Y, or why don't we try (something else)."

[JenC]

I call him on it. I will actually tell him (calmly most of the time), that I really need his help sometimes and I would appreciate that he not give me attitude. Generally, he takes it well.

[Michelle]

Those of you that do A, you know you are enabling this kind of behaviour - he eye-rolls and he gets out of doing it! Kind of like a little kid and a tantrum.

[Lornagh]

My first reaction? Kill him! That's just me though hehehehehehe.
We have no kids and I don't work. I do however have RA and need help occasionally with "heavy" stuff. And he forgets.....frequently....that I need help. But....there are things I can forget too. I ignore and then I forget - works a treat.

[Molly Morgan]

What a topic. Am so fed up with directly confronting it, I'm sticking a fork in him (metaphorically!), so it's time for a short, sharp shock.
Who wants a 35 yr old toddler?
Any takers?

[KellyH]

Do it myself while being cross about it and calling him an asshole :)

[Adi]

Hubby doesn't do this. I just ask him to do something and he looks really guilty 'cause he hasn't done it already and then he sometimes forget, and then I do it 'cause I can't take that guilty puppy face... So, I guess I'll tick "do it myself"... If he would roll his eyes, I think we'd both pack out laughing so much!

[Sezhoo]

My sister's husband was being particularly arsholey a while back and kept asking her what she DOES all day. So one day, she just didn't do it. ANY OF IT. From the cereal that was thrown by the baby in the morning that was still on the floor and splashed all over everything to the dirty clothes and diapers left sitting on the changing table, etc. When he came home that Friday night, his mouth dropped open and she told him that since he was so interested in what she DOES all day, she'd let him have a crack at it. She had already called his mom and warned her not to help him out because he needed this opportunity to "grow" into a supportive husband/father. Then she packed a bag and I took her to a spa for the weekend. He was a different man when she got home on Sunday night. Now, when she has a small request for help occasionally, he jumps on it. Best. Lesson. Ever.

[Molly Morgan]

OMG Sezhoo, best answer yet. Too funny!

I almost left for a weekend myself, but just his figuring out what I had planned straightened him out.

[Smitty76]

Okay, I responded with C, but I have to disagree with the "helping me" part of the question. I'd ignore the eye rolling and sighing because putting our dishes in the washer or our clothes in the dryer isn't helping me, it's making sure that our house runs smoothly -- and the responsiblity for that falls on both our shoulders. I'm not his mother; we're all adults here.

Now, in practice I chose C because my motto for reasonable requests is "I don't care if it's done with a smile or a frown, as long as it's done!" LOL

It works most of the time. :)