Would you look?

Let's say there is some one who has crossed your path in one way or another (ex friend / ex acquaintance / ex boyfriend / ex whatever).  You do not get on with this person, and you've bumped heads a few times, but you've chosen to end all ties and move on. 

The person either has a blog, or posts on a website / bulletin board that you used to frequent, but you've realized that every time you read what they have written, it either angers you or hurts you. You could, I suppos, tackle them on the things they infer or imply (all of which are blatently untrue), but it really isn't worth it.  They are just being a bitch, and you don't want to dignify their irrational outpourings with a response.  In fact you are hoping they will just get over themselves and find another victim/topic/drama.

So, here is the thing - what would you do?  Would you keep going back to read what they have written, or might write, or would you just simply not look? Not go back to the bulletin board / blog?

I try not to look. I try take the logical approach of: I know they are totally in the wrong, I know that they are being irrational and unfair, and nothing I can do is going to change their minds, so I might as well not upset myself by reading the drivel.

And yet, I don't always succeed.  I go back.  And I get upset all over again.

I've done it in one situation. I have managed to click that little X in the top right hand corner for good, but in another situation, I find myself still going there every once in a while. 

I should not care. I should brush it off and chalk it up to the person's craziness, but it's hard not to let the barbs slip through.

BUT!  As often happens when writing up a blog post, writing this all down has just been good therapy for me, and I am not going there anymore. It really isn't worth it, THEY really aren't worth it.  Life is too short to suffer assholes gladly.

(ok, but I still want to know from you - would you go back to see what they have written, if only for a while, or are you strong enough to look away? Is it easy for you not to 'care', or are you like me, you care too much at times. Marko can totally not care.  If someone is being an asshole / unfair etc, he just doesn't care. I wish I had more of that.)

Comments

[Kirsty]

Hell yeah -of course I would! I would torture myself and keep going back, even though I know it hurts and its a whole load of BS ... but I can't help myself! It's called being a girl-type!
Marko is a boy-type, so they don't bother with this torture/hurt thing. Lucky them!

But then they also aren't as fabulous as us girl types. Can't have everything!

[May]

Happened to me once. I used to go back for a while, but then suddenly my interest died and I didn't feel compelled anymore - don't really know why. Let them say whatever they like, I know _I_ took the high road *smirk*.

[Fiona]

Well, I don't "know" her, but I can't help reading that bloody Zsusie woman's blog occasionally after it got some advertising on here. And I curse every time she actually had a decent idea for a kid party. So I presume I'd be the same if this was someone irl. I have the nosy gene, lol.

[apieceofwood]

I'm still doing it with someone's blog. What makes it worst is that she knows I do it, so writes things to pee me off and still I can't help myself.. I await the day where I can ignore its existence!

[caragh]

Its human nature...
It really is..
Even reading stuff or seing things that you know is going to hurt you, offend you, or upset you.
Its like.. as bad as this sounds.. its like a car accident.. bad or not.. everyone slows down to have a look..
I'm going to stick with, its human nature.. and we were born that way.
Obviously im not just a freak who can't switch off.

[gkk]

Tertia, I have been reading you blog forever, and if you look at my past comments hopefully you will see I am saying this out of love. If you are referring to what I think you are (a certain no longer admined bulletin board) then you need to just take it off your favourites and move on. Sometimes you can't go home again, no matter what. Nor would you want to, when you think about what truly belonging there would mean. You have what they want, what they may very possibly never have, and you can't really blame them for how they feel about that, no matter how it looks from the rational place you are sitting. gkk xx

[Kelly]

It is human nature to keep looking. However, I have figured out for me it just isn't worth it. I go by the mantra of "What other people think of me is none of my business." If I try to live a good, fair life and I am kind to other people - I don't have to force my point of view or thought process on another and I have to recognize not everyone will like or agree with me.

[Kristin]

I've been in that situation and its hard. I was able to give it up eventually.

[eileen]

I'm on the opposite end of the spectrum, with someone (maybe two people) reading my blog who shouldn't (but I don't write anything about them). And every time I see him/them pop up on sitemeter I think to myself "man, give it a rest already." I think of writing him/them a public tonguelashing sometimes, and then I get over it.

As for me, I don't generally read blogs/forum postings of people who piss me off, but if I had the chance, I might.

[Thumper]

I forgive and forget..........I forgive them and then forget about them totally.
Sounds harsh, but I only have one life and I intend to make the most of it, without the interference of some insecure being.

[Shandra]

Well here's my take. From 91-00, I was really active in a particular tiny corner of the early-tech Internet. Had big blowups with people and also made great friends and met my husband.

Then the big final break came. I got out of that particular drama-pool, but I masochistically kept checking in kind of like you describe for probably about 5 years. Not daily or even weekly, but every now and then. Usually, I noticed, when some particular thing stressed me out.

Then I stopped. 'Cause I was truly over the bad parts. Nostalgia conquers all in a way, I guess. The individuals involved also stopped talking about me. :) Then a few months ago I went back and am having a blast in a bizarre high school reunion type way.

All of which is to say, I think if you listen to your gut, you eventually find your way either forward or home again. :)

[Jennifer Rindfleisch]

Tricky. I think logically too and tell myself it isn't worth, but in reality I just can't help myself. If I was constantly getting upset everything I went to look, I would have to talk myself down from the ledge and listen to reason. It's just not worth it. Life is too short. I voted only for a bit and then would move on, because I know it would take time for me to stop looking all together.

[Sister Mel]

Move on, life is too short. The past 4 months of moms chemo and Bernadette's pain has made me selfish in terms of taking on arb hurt. God, friends and family, its all that counts

[Adi]

It must be very hard to defame you. At least admire them for their Don Quixote style courage.

Perhaps they were, once, not such mean assholes and you even liked them. But seems now, by perpetuating your interest in their activities and blogging about it, you may only be fuelling their rather unhealthy "cause" which is to divide a community by trying to see how much they can bring the "opposition" into disrepute.

Infertility is not an election with political parties, that gather support and parade leaders around for cheers and admiration. Perhaps it sometimes become that in order to quiet the hurt and the pain, put it away and show the world you are still Strong and Powerful. It is sad. It has no place. Yet it is here, like a big stinking moose in a tiny room.

Please move on. You are above that. Nobody is taking whatever they are saying to heart, unless that is what they would like to believe. About you, or about anything or anyone. I don't know where this forum and blog(s) are but there are so many other more important forums and blogs to read, perhaps it is a blessing.

[Pictou]

Move on, darling.

The irritant is reveling in high schoolish power plays. S/he is probably jealous of your successes and this is an attempt to level the field.

[older and wiser]

I'm sure its not the same position but it feels like it must be close. In my case, no matter how much I gave or how much I tried, it wasn't enough for this younger family member. She blamed me for the saddness in her life. The (angry)blogging community found her and supported her wholeheartedly, no matter what she said. She reveled in the love and acceptance.
I tried to be the adult, to not look, to not let it hurt me. It was like a train wreck. I had to look, and even found ways to do it without it showing on site meter. It finally changed our relationship forever. We still speak and see each other occasionally but I protect myself and keep my distance. She hurt me too badly.

[carosgram]

No, I would not go back but not because I am strong. It is because I am weak. I do not like being hurt. I avoid it if possible. I would not go to a site or group where the likelihood of being hurt is high.

[Carla Hinkle]

Whenever there is a situation like that, I invariably look. Sigh. I seem to have no backbone when it comes to staying away from that kind of stuff. Maybe I don't look every day, or even every week, but I do go back.

[Katrina]

I've been on the opposite end. I have had my journal for seven years or so and I used to write EVERYTHING down. So when I caught my (now ex-)boyfriend shooting up oxycontin in our living room, and ended our relationship I wrote all about it. I wrote about how he was a drug addict, how he shattered my world, how he was a nearly 40 year old failure and I was just waiting for his drug habits to catch him up and kill him. (Mean, I know, but my god the rage I felt at having picked up my life and transplanted myself for him... And to be living unknowingly with someone using illegal IV drugs!) My ex would leave nasty notes and torture himself by reading all about how much I hated him. Now nearly two years later, and a year into a relationship with a new fellow, my ex STILL reads my journal. I never talk about him anymore but he still finds reasons to insinuate I'm thinking about him. (A work acquaintance died of a drug overdose and he left me a note saying, "I know you're thinking about me..." The nerve!!) He leaves me notes, writes me emails - all to which I do NOT respond.

I do pity him, just a little. He ruined the one good thing he had in his life. Now he lives in a condemned house with ten cats and a drug habit. He can't help but come back to the one thing that made him happy...

Poor thing.

[Mamalooper]

I'd probably look. Why is it so much easier for most guys to just walk away/ignore? I do that for the most part but can catch myself "peeking" and ruminating.

There's a mom group that I used to be part of a couple of years ago. Some drama erupted and I chose to leave. I have a friend who is in that group still and I try not to "catch up" on what this particular "mom-bully" is doing now but I sometimes can't help myself.

Talk about poking yourself in the eye with a stick! ;-)

[Lisa]

I am so bad about this. I can't stay away from ex's (ex-friends, ex-boyfriends, ex-girlfriends of current partners) Myspace pages. I don't look every day, more like once every couple of months, but my curiosity keeps me from stopping permanently.

[HappyGrl]

My SIL does this to me all the time in the flesh - I wish the solution could be as simple and just clicking the little x. I wish I could turn off the hurt and just x her out of my life as easily as that.

[Sarah]

We had this happen this summer in a big way. Our house burned down and the story was posted on a local news site where people were able to comment on it. People had the most hateful, rude things to say about it all. Things that couldn't possibly be true. But I still looked several times to see what they had to say. Finally it clicked that by reading and being upset by those things it was only giving them the power and I haven't looked back since.

[melissa]

I am in this exact situation, and I WISH I could stop looking!! Like, this woman is a FAKE and she is so not worth it, and yet ... I look!!! And of course, because of statcounters and stuff, she probably knows I look, and it irks me that I give her that satisfaction, like she knows I can't let go. Bleurgh.

[Dolce]

This is the problem with the internet. If it's out there, you could find it. And pick at it, like a scab. *eish*

[Catherine]

In a similar situation...it took me a while, but I replaced my need to look with Facebook...and that has made the withdrawal that much easier. :o)

[juliette]

I am pretty sure I know who you are talking about; I checked out 'it's' blog and have been in hysterics ever since! What absolute drivel the sanctimonious fool spouts!! Don't let her bother you; she is a total fuckwit!

xx

[Sara]

I'm pretty sure that I'd look for a while, wallow in the bad feelings, etc., and then one day I just couldn't be bothered again. Life's too short and all that.

Good for you for deciding to let it go.

[Andrea]

are you talking about zsuzsanna

[Aurelia]

Everytime I read this kind of post---my paranoid insecure voice peeps up and wonders if it's me you are talking about!!!

I know it's not, but still. Hate these kind of subjects. Anyway, I don't look anymore, although at one time I did. There comes a point where you need to protect yourself, you know?

[ruth]

i heard somewhere once that "what other people say about you is none of your business" - i agree. and, if they don't have the guts to come and say it to you in person, face to face, then it is not worth reading or listening to. anyone can gossip and whinge and whine and blame and criticise behind someone else's back. it takes a real adult to ask for a sit down with another individual, with no audience to take sides or join in the comments, and truly try to fix a problem between two people. it also takes an adult, an educated thinking person to let others be who and what they choose to be. the person you are referring to is no adult, and is - like a small child throwing paddies in a sandpit, probably better off being ignored.

i do understand why you would want to read it, yes, like picking a scab (eewww), but don't do it.

one of your strengths (this sounds rich coming from someone who has never met you and sees 2% of your thoughts online) is that you are capable of seeing the truly bright side in a situation. why why why let a nonce rain on your parade? choosing who to listen to is like diving for pearls, you have to be selective, and decide where you are going to expend your energy.

with life so short, and at times brutal, harsh and unkind enough, why why WHY would you focus on negative crap? when you are on your death bed in a 100 years time, is this drivel going to be on your mind? or will you regret the cool stuff, the loving stuff, the appreciative stuff that you never got to do because your time was sucked up by some emotional vaccuum cleaner like whatsher/hisname?

let it go babe - it is so a big fat nothing.

[Angela]

Once upon I time I left a blog comment that unintentionally/thoughtlessly hurt the blogger. She in turn must have thought it was okay to mock me and hurt me back. She still mentions the incident from time to time. Do I still check her blog? Well, I guess you have your answer. I still wish her well.

[21stCenturyMom]

So glad that writing this post put you in a better place. Reading that stuff and letting it anywhere near your brain just puts power where it doesn't belong - in the hands of some vapid asshat.

[Tamsen]

I used to not be able to help myself (especially with facebook). Not "stalking" my ex-boyfriend, but yeah kind of. Just to see what he was up to, if he was mentioning me, what his new girlfriend was posting on his wall. It ended up being a sort of a torture, you know? I would read it, feel the pain, but still go back. I ended up "blocking" him on facebook. I could not see his profile and he could not see mine. I knew that at any moment in time that I wanted to, I could go through the few but pain-in-the-ass steps to unblock him... but for me, having a slight barrier helped. I every once in a while check up on him, but it's been maybe eighteen months now.

You could do this too - with facebook. Or install one of those "website" blockers. It's a small thing but it really made all the difference.

[Flicka]

Don't feed the trolls, darling. That's what they trhive on. There's no way you can stop your feelings from being hurt, I understand that having a similar situation of my own. But don't give them the satisfaction of seeing you down. You're gorgeous, divine, expecting a miracle baby, blessed with a gorgeous family (nuclear and extended.) Let the haters hate on. You rule supreme.

xxx
Flicka

[Cory]

This happened to me on a certain egroup, and not only did I go back to look, I even created a new fake name/user to fan the flames annonymously. I totally tortured myself with it. I finally was able to cut the cord for good eventually, but it took a while.
Like people have said, I think it's just human nature. Good luck!

[Kandi]

Its not that I am strong, I don't go back because they actually feed off of the drama and I don't wish to feed into it. They think I care, and maybe I do, but I refuse to give that satisfaction. (in ref: to an ex) Kandi Ann

[Kahlen]

I keep reading even though it totally pisses me off and I just work myself up all over again. I don't know why I torture myself reading her blog, but I do. I've tried to stop, I've taken her blog off of my favorites, but I keep going back. The curiosity gets the better of me.