The Bad Mother – or why I could never be a full time, home-schooling*, SAHM

There is such a thing as too much quality time.  After almost 5 days of non stop quality time with the kids, I am about to get on a plane and fetch Rose myself.

I am tired, I am heavy, I am grumpy, I am v v busy and I am rapidly running out of a sense of humour.

I think if I didn’t have to work full time while being a full time SAHM (spot the error there), then it might be easier, but there are only so many hours in the day.

Here are some of my pearls of mothering brilliance uttered this morning:

1.  To Adam after he hurt Kate for the third time in a row.  (PS it was only 7:30am and they already had 3 arguments)

“If you hurt your sister again, I am going to hurt you, and I am much bigger than you so it will hurt A LOT”

Beautiful.  Threaten your child with violence.  Solve violence with violence. What a winner mother.

2.  To both Adam and Kate after they decided they didn’t feel like eating the breakfast I had just made them:

“Fine, don’t eat it then.  Starve to death for all I care”

Great.  That caring attitude is going to stand them in good stead for life.

3.  To both of them in the car on the way to school (thank GOD for school!) after 5 minutes of non-stop whining and ‘she/he’s teasing me’

“BOTH OF YOU KEEP QUIET!! You look out that window and you look out that window.  Don’t look at each other, don’t touch each other, don’t say a word to each other.  In fact, if you don’t utter another word the whole day, I will be VERY HAPPY!”

Yes, things are going extremely well at home.  Much fun is being had by all.

* The home schooling remark is not a judgement or endorsement on those who home school (I know it can be a sensitive issue), it is merely a statement of fact that I don’t think I could handle being with my kids 24/7.  I need those few hours a day where I happily (very very extremely happily) send them off to school.  But then again, I am a clearly a baaaaaad mother.

Comments

[mama2beans]

Oh man, if that's as bad as you get you're doing well! Mine get a curse word at least once a day!

[Molly Morgan]

You're so funny.
Just take good care of you & Max, these two cuties have got it waaaaay better than almost all children, no matter if you're temporarily a crabby assh*le, teehee.

[Egg Donor (ret)]

Ha! I would totally say all those things. I don't know who would have a bad judgment about the window statement, though. That seems like a winning solution :)

[K]

LOL! You are NOT alone!! My latest for intolerable / whiney / teasing car behaviour is turning my radio station or cd music up really loudly to drown them out.. they hate it and it usually shuts them up - for a while anyway.. until I have to do it again :-)

[Janet]

You are so NOT a bad mother, but a perfectly normal one, whose perfectly normal children push the envelope!

[kate]

I'm right there with you. Certain things can just send me right to the edge. I had a day of constant requests aka whining for the following: Cars movie, Cars movie, Sheryl Crows song "Real Gone"-Cars Theme song, Theme song again, again, oh and yet again. Oh and turn it up, up, more. Request for Lightening McQueen car, oh where's McQueen. Oh can't go to bath and bed without, MCQUEEN. Ahhh, yes going slightly bananas. And I do accept knowing that I am a better mother to my child when I have had some me time. Wish this could translate to personal me time, which is actually work time (that I do from home). I appreciate his school time too as it is not only important for me (that alone time), but important too for him to have his 'educational' play and social time with others.

[Lindsay]

NORMAL mother!!! Any mother who says she doesn't have thoughts of get me out of here, if only for 10 minutes, is lying or has the most unbelievable way of sutting herself off!! Aren't you moving tomorrow- without Rose?

[Jean]

Tertia, you really are quite normal. Happens on an almost daily basis in our home too!!

[Jo]

Sounds pretty much like a normal day to me, I feel the same way... about being a full time SAHM even though
I used to be one.
Good luck with it all, I hope Rose comes back soon.....it's one of the things I miss the most about not living in
SA anymore, full time help.

[cat]

Oh then I am a very very bad mother as well. The December holidays nearly had me in the mad house! But best Rose is off now, so that you have her around when Max comes. Take good care of yourself.

[tess]

sounds normal to me!

however, if you are bored, may i suggest working these other fine comments into your repertoire:

- don't you have a normal voice?
- SHOUT AT THEM: BE QUIET!!! (the logic is staggering)
- when you don't respond the first time the child asked you a question (not because you were in a conversation, just couldn't be bothered from looking up from vanity fair) and then child asks again, possibly a little louder, you must snap "YES? i heard you the first time!"

i don't want to overload you but i do have plenty more.
x

[May]

Oh I've got a good one.

Situation: son putting his fingers yet again in his mouth.
Me, while biting my nails: TAKE YOUR FINGERS OUT OF YOUR MOUTH!

(is important these days in our household because of me being paranoid about pinworms)

[Midori]

If you are a bad mother, then so am I as I feel exactly the same way. I think that the beauty of being a mother these days is that we have the chance to choose the parenting method that suits us best. I am like you, I need a break from my son to be able to get through the week. He, in reverse, needs a break from me and time to be a little boy with his peers. I stayed at home with him for a couple of years, which was a circumstance thing rather than a choice thing and I know for a fact that that way of living doesn't suit either of us. That said, like you, I don't think any less of people who stay at home and love it, we are all lucky enough to be able to make the choice.

[Deblet]

Rose will be home soon,as for your comments to the kids ,you sound like me on most mornings and we do this all between 06h00 and 07h00,so give yourself a break it's quite normal (well I think so and I'm sticking to that story)

[Tripsmom]

Sounds like you live in our house!

[beyond]

sounds like quite a regular household to me. rose will be there soon. (and so will max! wow!) just breeaaathe through it.

[Kristin]

No, not a bad mom...just a normal mom who knows what she needs for her sanity.

[Me]

I dont know why you beat yourself up. I am a mom to 18yo, 14yo and 12 yo boys who have heard me yell this and much more/worse and yet they all adore me and think the sun shines out of me. And in fact if I try half of these with my 18yo we end up laughing at the ridiculousness of it all.

[cece]

When I went back to work after 3 months, everyone was telling me that I would want to leave owrk early and run to be with my son. I cried a little at the drop off, but then realized for the first time in 3 months, I was not in charge of a little baby. I could pee without worrying he was being licked by one of the dogs. I could type on the computer with BOTH HANDS. I left him with an awesome childcare place - so I knew he was safe and lovingly cared for.

Is it wrong that I wasn't upset one bit to be back at work? I think not! I think it makes me a better mom. Rose does the same for you! Good work surviving this week! I know, 100% that I could never, ever be a stay at home mom. I would shoot myself. It takes a heck of a lot more patience and energy that I posess! More power to thsoe who can do it!

[CM]

Tertia, you missed "stop that crying or I'll give you something to cry about!!" ;-)

Changes in routine can be stressful. Glad you're maintaining a sense of humour.

[Heather]

You sound like me!!! LOL Those few hours a day are good for you it helps you to be a better mom. I have had those mornings/days that I don't have any patience and take it out on them. The good things is kids are resilient and if you give them some kisses and hugs they will never remember it. Good luck and I hope Rose comes home soon.

[Amy]

We've all been there - I think you'd be abnormal if you DIDN'T have mornings/days like this. Every once in a while if I'm in the midst of one of these "episodes" with my 4 yo and 2 yo girls I try to smile or even laugh out loud - sometimes it snaps me out of my anger and even shocks the kiddos into good behavior!
Hang in there!

[Heather]

I always say, kids try to push boundaries until they realize that "Mommy can't take it anymore" and then they decide to be total angels for awhile. Please note that it takes about 2 weeks to 2 months for them to decide that "Mommy's had enough", so I've had my share of those days. I love my daughter and I'll love my boys when they are born, but I want them all someday to be great self-sufficient grownups and MOVE OUT!

[Kellie]

Sounds like a normal day to me.

[Rae]

SAHM here and ahhh how I can relate and ironically 'thinking' about home schooling. But wondering not only CAN i do it, but can I be around my kids that much!!!
But I do enjoy my time home and like everything, it has it's perks, as does working. I do miss my 'career' days.

ps oh how divine it must be to have Rose. I wish I could have a Rose:)

[Peach]

I was in the middle of posting about how you missed using the "Mommy's pregnant and isn't allowed to be upset" line... and it made me think, have you posted about talking to the kids about the impending sibling? I think there was one right after you were pregnant but I was wondering how the kids are taking it, knowing there will be another one around...

Just curious is all!

I can see it now... "Wehn baby Max comes, you won't be allowed to whine at all, so let's practice..."

[wookie]

I think the more moderate version of "go ahead and starve" is "If you choose not to eat, you get no more snacks until I serve the next meal. You are choosing to be hungry if you choose not to eat*."

You choose to hurt your sister on purpose, you choose to have (insert punishment here).

I'm a big fan of getting through their minds that the choices they make have direct consequences. 3 is absolutely old enough to start understanding that on a basic level.

And it is completely and totally fair to expect children of their age to do a quiet activity for a reasonable amount of time, like 30 minutes or an hour. Coloring, playdough, look at books, do a puzzle... this is not an unreasonable request on your part, and in fact could be a really nice thing to add to your routine.

* I have one fabulous eater and one very mousy eater with no rhyme or reason to when she will and wont eat. Sky not blue enough? Wind blowing the wrong direction? Who knows! We tell her that a LOT, and for her, it really works.

[Bec]

Heh, I hear you. And I only have one and I'm not pg. The other day I answered the question But WHY can't I do x?" with "Because I really like being MEAN, that's why"

I've also been known to remind him that he needn't speak continuously for 12.5 out of the 13 hours he's awake each day.

It is hard

[Joc]

Ha ha, I have said exactly the same things to my kids on more than one occassion (saving up for the future psychiatry bills now) so there are more bad mothers out there than you would think ;-)

Love the idea of home schooling my kids, but I think it would be better if someone else did it!

[Mari]

I don't think that you are a bad mother at all! I thank God every Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday for Child Care. I then get to spend time being able to look at after the twins with out the whining.

[Anna]

HA! HA! I have said these three sentences to my children several times too...why? is there anything wrong with that?
Ciao

[Elaine]

When we were whining in the car, my mother used to say, "If you don't stop RIGHT NOW, I will stop the car and you can get out and WALK home." Very effective. I think once she actually got as far as stopping the car and flinging open the door.

Judging by the fact that I still remember this, it worked pretty well. And didn't traumatize me one bit.

[4katnap]

LOL! from a homeschool mom... The big difference is I only have ONE at home. You don't know how much I look forward to going grocery shopping. Add on top DH works from home. Some days I just need alone time. We are working on it. some days I get it soem days I don't. I don't think you are a bad mom. you recognise your limits and I didn't hear you say you beat them, locked them out fo the house or got out the duct tape...

I'd say you were surviving Roses absents fairly well!

[Pengal]

Tertia, I love love love your brutal honesty. The truth is, "stay at home mom" is the toughest job in the world, bar none. I worked for 15 years as a corporate lawyer before deciding to stay at home with my baby and even with the luxury of a full time helper, I am challenged every single day and exhausted when I flop into bed at night!

[ExMi]

hahaha.

The Kid goes to a daymother 3 times a week. I treasure those 3 days. She's going on leave for a MONTH soon. Am going to DIE.

Sigh...

[Helen]

That's exactly what and why I love your blog. Your so NORMAL!!
Makes me feel normal too :)
Glad things are going so well for you and Max. Take care xx

[kathleen999]

It's hard to know how to get through when one hurts the other. My response to the boy giggling while his brother cries, "Do you think that's funny? Would you like me to hit/kick/bite you?" He invariably says no, but occasionally says yes with a glint in his eye...once I got so mad I actually did slap him as he had slapped his brother, thinking if he understood how much it hurt he wouldn't do it again. Nope. Has nothing to do with that. That's my entry for Worst Mother of the Year.

I know what you mean. And I am not even pregnant. Mostly now I give time outs and try not to say anything because I can't say anything useful. To the "we don't want to eat" thing I just tell them, "You don't have to eat it if you don't want to" and then walk away. They always start eating. They do it just to get Mommy all riled up. My goal is to not let them get to me, at least on the outside. It makes returns of the bad behavior diminish.

At least I'm not doing what my mom did, which was to get the hairbrush and spank us violently. Damn that hairbrush hurt.

[Noelle]

You are not a bad mommy!! What you sound is completely normal :)

[Laura]

Bwahahahahaha I have had all these conversations word for word with my kids - more than once!!!

[21stCenturyMom]

Nothing wrong with any of that. If the little buggers are being a PITA then they get 'the treatment'. They will survive and be better people for it!

Hope you get some rest soon.

[Jenn (dish)]

You've simply been taking lessons from me. On one particularly bad morning (I think I was deep in PMS) I told my son, who would not stop talking and whining and whining and whining, that if he didn't shut up immediately I was going to stop the car and leave him on the side of the road. Yeah, nice mom. Of course, he then switched gears and started rattling on with questions about why I was going to leave him there. (sigh)

[Flicka]

My mom said #2 and #3 to us kids all the time! Especially #3. Good grief, we were brats. But I love her to pieces and to this day we are as close as can be. We affectionately call her the "Mean Mommy" but you know, we couldn't have lived without her discipline. Don't worry, you are doing a fine job!

xoxoxo
Flicka

[Marelize]

If it's any consolation, I'm a teacher and I don't think homeschooling is for me. I admire those who can, because it's a tough job. Teaching is draining; imagine doing it all day, every day, and without the holidays. Nope!

[Wobs]

My problem is that my daughter is now shouting back. OK, she's 18 but I've been told in no uncertain terms that I've "ruined her social life...."; I'm "shockingly unreasonable".... I want to be quiet and just look out of my window at times like that.