From a family of four to a family of five

This pregnancy is totally different to my other pregnancies. Perhaps because the situation is so different. For many reasons, and not just because I conceived naturally. Firstly, my mom’s illness has just about taken my total focus. Can’t think of much else. Then, unlike my previous pregnancies where I had nothing else to focus on but the pregnancy and my fears, this time I am so busy with my kids, my egg donor business and of course my mom. There is simply no time to wallow and live in fear. And in the words of my dear husband, I am pregnant, not disabled, so life for me carries on just about as normal. But the main reason why this pregnancy is so different to the previous ones, is that this pregnancy is a bonus one, the cherry on top of an already perfect cake. My life is complete, my family feels complete. There is no ache in my heart, no hole in my life. If, God forbid, the worst happens, then well, I still have my husband and two children. There is no hole.

 

And while this thought comforts me, it also worries me. I am sure some people who are pregnant for the second, third etc time might feel this way too, but I worry about how this new little person will fit into my complete family. How can I possibly love another child as much as I love Adam and Kate? I know that is illogical, but perhaps because I feel so, well ‘normal’, so complete that I can’t imagine how our neat family of four will become a family of five. What will this little boy be like? How will he fit in? Will I love him as much as I do the others?

 

My logical brain says of course I will love him as much. According to Sister Mel I might even love him a bit more in the beginning as your new baby is so divine and suddenly the older ones become all big and annoying and not nearly as cute and cuddly as the new one.  

 

It’s just that our family is (finally) so organized, so neat and ordered. Two parents, two children. The boy child loves sitting with dad, the girl child loves sitting with mom. We each have our own couch, the girls and the boys. The twins share a room, they play so nicely together. Neat, ordered. Complete. And then we add this new, faceless little person into the mix. How will it be? What will our family look like then? 

 

Quite crazy, I am sure. And I am sure, once he is here, we won’t be able to imagine a life without him. We will think back and laugh at how incomplete our family was before he arrived.

 

I hope you don’t think I am being ungrateful, I most certainly am not. I am extremely grateful that I have been allowed this wonderful chance to have another child. Perhaps it is the holiday season, or perhaps it is the somberness of my mother’s illness, but these are the thoughts swirling around in my head. I think there is also a small part of me that is trying to protect myself. I don’t want to get too attached, just in case. 

 

As I was typing this note, I got a message from Sister Mel that Sofia might have mumps. They were here yesterday, and my first panicked thought was ‘omg, I hope Max is ok’, so I guess I am more connected than I thought.

 

Max has just given me a hard kick in the belly as if to say “hey mom, I am joining you guys, ready or not, so you might as well get used to the idea”. Ok dear son, I hear (feel) you. But stay inside for another five months please dear, we need you fat and healthy.

Comments

[Gill]

I felt exactly the same when I was pregnant with my 2nd child. I had battled to conceive, so I was totally thrilled to bits to be expecting her, but I worried that my husband, 5yo daughter and I were such a comfortable unit - I couldn't imagine how this child was going to fit in. But she did! Suddenly there was this Paula-sized hole that she slipped right into. Don't worry Tertia, it will work out just fine, promise! Hope the mumps by-passes your family!!

[Katherine]

Just to let you know, I had mumps when I was 10 weeks pregnant with Zoe and it isn't dangerous like measles,etc. Anyway, I also feel the same way, Zoe is at such a lovely age - can tell us what she wants, sleeps brilliantly at night and in the day and not yet at the terrible 2's or awful 3's, so I'm starting to dread the broken sleep and wondering what sort of baby is coming our way, especially as we were so lucky with #1. Not that I"m also not extremely grateful for being able to have another one, but when you've had a baby, you know what lies ahead and it took me a little while to really connect properly with Zoe. Still haven't felt anything (18 weeks)but I felt Zoe very late (22 weeks) so think I'm probably just a bit dof.

[gem]

Do you know what that is? That is completely normal! It's the first time you have had normal feelings around a pregnancy. And you are right, it's because your life is so good otherwise and for the first time you do not have the feeling that your future happiness depends exclusively on the outcome of this pregnancy.
I know for a fact that you will love this child with all your heart because you already do. You just take it a bit for granted because that's what we all do when things are good. I am also prepared to bet that you will enjoy this new baby so much because you are already happy. It's a wonderful feeling!
P.S. Thinking of your mother. My mother had cancer 6 years ago and like your mother it was caught early. She had to have surgery and radiotherapy but is doing very well now. It's tough. You are lucky she seems to have a very strong and positive nature. She's lucky to have such support. Take care.

[tess]

great post. so glad that you are so content with your lovely life* right now, and recognizing there is smiling eyerolling chaos in the restructuring ahead and the joy that will follow.

* not downplaying the uncertainty of your mum's illness and treatment.

[Kelly]

I have four year old boy/girl twins and we are going through another IVF in attempt to have "one" more. I am not even pregnant yet and there is a real chance I never will be again given our history but I have the exact same thoughts as you when I think about adding another. I think they are very normal thoughts. Sending good thoughts for your mom, my Mom went through breast cancer when I was pregnant with my little ones and the feelings are very intense all around - remember to try and take care of yourself with everything on your plate.

[Kirsty]

You will feel completely normal as a family of 5 once he arrives! Trust me! In fact - after only a few days you will find it hard to imagine just how life was without him!
I too had a surprise 3rd baby - with a very small gap between no2 and no3!
I love our surprise so much - and so will you!
Read this:
http://theweaversnest.typepad.com/the_weavers_nest/2008/06/i-need-to-talk-about-luke.html

It explains it all!
x

[jeannie]

I don't think there is a woman in the history of the world who has not had those thoughts when pregnant with a second, third, fifth or even nineteenth child. Even when the pregnancy was longed for, and fought for.

For me, I always knew that I wanted more than one child, and after having my son after our third IVF, we tried on our own for a while, unsuccessfully. I was torn between doing infertility treatments again, or doing international adoption. I was definitely leaning toward adoption, but felt that as I was getting older, it was now or never for another pregnancy, so I did IVF again, very ambivalently. I thought that if it succeeded, we could always adopt a third if I couldn't get over my desire to adopt, although that was up in the air. I'd always only wanted two children.

Well, first IVF failed. Did one more, last try, Hail Mary pass, and then we would move on to adoption. I already had started the paperwork. It seemed unlikely that it would work. Well, the IVF worked, big time. I started out with triplets -- a pair of identical twins and a singleton. One of the identical twins didn't make it past 9 weeks, and I ended up with twins.

I was incredibly ambivalent my entire pregnancy with them. I knew now I would never adopt. I also was very unsure about having three children. We lived in NYC, and it was impossible for me to imagine having 3 in the city, in our small apartment, etc. Had I ruined our nice little lives? Shouldn't we have been happy with our perfect little son? I was terrified that I wouldn't love them, that I would resent them.

Now, of course, I cannot imagine life without them. A family of four would seem so dull compared to a family of five. I love the dynamic among the three of them, their very unique relationships, shifting alliances.

I will confess that, although I adore all my children, I will always have a special soft spot for my oldest. The day he was born was the day all my dreams came true. He made me a mother, and he will always be my little miracle. He has me completely wrapped around his little finger.

[Anna]

Best wishes for your mum.
And Max WILL fit into your family. You won't have a choice really, you WILL love him, and you WILL find routines. (And hey, if you don't love him on sight or in the first few days or weeks, don't think you won't. You will. Some of us are slow -me- and it takes us -me- months to feel for baby #2 the same as we do for baby #1. Dun't make a difference, by the time he's old enough to notice he'll be melting your heart with the best of them.)

Anna

[Irene]

I had similar worries when I was pregnant with my third child, also a bonus cherry baby made through the traditional way after b/g twins through IVF. In fact, I even felt a bit jealous of the baby, for the time the baby would take me away from the twins. But you know what, it all works out in the end, and a mother's heart will always have more love to give each of her children. So, don't worry about that.

Plus, with luck, the baby should be sleeping most of the first few months, giving precious time for you and your family to adjust with life with the new addition. The baby was so quiet, compared with the noisy twins that sometimes we *almost* forgot to bring her along with us when we went out! Good luck.

[Amber]

Life was never meant to be lived inside the comfort zone. What fun would that be??? Exciting times ahead for you and your family!!!

[Melissa]

I had a similar bonus baby after IVF twin girls. I actually enjoyed having a pregnancy where I wasn't insanely worried throughout. But I also thought I would care less about him. I felt like our family was already complete. And I didn't want to miscarry but I thought I wouldn't be devastated if I did (NOT the way I felt with the twin pregnancy). He is now almost 2 and I am so so happy we have him. I love him as much as the twins and have actually enjoyed him as a baby more than the twins - one baby at a time is FAR LESS overwhelming in my opinion. I could go on and on about him and how amazing he is, but you're right - now I can't imagine life without him and can't believe I thought our family was already complete :-)

[Amy]

I think you're completely normal and un-crazy. I remember feeling guilty during my second pregnancy, too. I didn't have time, with my 1 year old running around, to gaze lovingly at my naval 24 hours a day. I remember wondering how I could ever love her as much as I love my oldest. It didn't happen right away - after all, I'd known my oldest a lot longer - but I do love her just as much.

Your heart grows and expands and finds new love for each child. I promise.

It's natural, with your mom's illness, to be distracted right now. You've known her longer, too.

But for once, at least, you're not crazy. I promise. Max will elbow his way into your neat little life and make a place for himself, and it won't be long before you won't be able to imagine things any other way. After all, he's a miracle. He's meant to be.

Hugs,
Amy

[Kristin]

What you are feeling is completely normal. OMG...hehehe...Tertia is behaving normally! Seriously though, even when someone manages to plan a pregnancy, there are questions of "How will I do it?", Will I love this baby as much?", and "What was I thinking?"

It will all be good!

[deblet]

Glad you getting a normal pregnancy like all the run of the mill rest of us,yes its not an illness which I have told many of my friends frequently.Hope your two don't get the mumps right before their birthday.Great post by the way very honest ,loved that you still bit paranoid

[Heather]

Don't feel bad about the thoughts you are having. I think they are completely normal. I'm almost 11 weeks pregnant with twins from IVF right now and we have one 8-year-old daughter who was also hard won from IF treatments. And as I get more comfortable that this pregnancy is going to work out, I think of how our life is going to change and come up with the same questions. "How can I love these two babies as much as I love my daughter?" I think she's amazing and her and my DH have been my world for so long, I find it hard to picture how they will fit into this family. And we've really been trying for another child for many years now. I think it's just that you have the idea of a child, but don't think about it as a definite and the thoughts that go with that until you feel comfortable with a pregnancy.

I'm sure everything will be great for both of us. I've been reading your blog for many years and it has helped me watching your twins grow up what I will have to look forward to.

[Kathy B.]

Welcome to normal!

[Jennifer]

I think what you're feeling is completely normal but I also think that if you really think about it although your family feels great right now you really aren't complete without Max. You've been dreaming and thinking about Baby#3 for awhile now. Everytime you thought you were ready to move on and not think about having another baby, you would question yourself. Your family dynamic is going to change but it's going to be awesome. Kate & Adam are going to be a huge help and just love their little baby brother to bits!

[Lesley Watt]

I'd say it's quite normal from what I've seen and heard before. You've done this before and you've got a lot on your mind.

As for how Max will fit in, I wouldn't worry about it. I know quite a few people who joined already 'complete' families and ended up being characters no-one could imagine being without. He'll have his own wee personality and will probably just add to what you've already got.

I hope your mum is doing okay.

[Em]

See, I had almost an opposite reaction when I got pg easily with my second after having a little trouble with my first. I felt like I hadn't worked hard enough for him and I worried about him. Like he was temporary. I hadn't given enough anxiety and craving in dues for deserving him.

Its funny how they fit in though. Its sad to give up the way it is right now and I bet there will be times that you miss it but the new normal ends up being pretty great also

[Stacey]

Tertia - it's so normal to go through this! I have 4 kids and love them all so much. And yes, looking back before each one of them, our lives seemed so incomplete!

Good luck with all you do. Max is going to be a lucky little guy.

[Flicka]

You're going from a man-on-man defense to a zone defense! Look out!

In all seriousness, I think this is normal. When my SIL was pregnant with her second, she wondered all the same things you just wrote. How could she possibly love the second baby (another boy) as much as her first? Would he be as good-looking? As charming? And you know, the second was totally different but equally as loveable and equally as loved. Max will fit in perfectly, seamlessly, once you get there. Your little caboose baby will make you wonder how you ever thought you were complete without him!

PS~ You're doing great with all of this.

[diana]

Oh, he will fit all right. I had my oops, 40-years birthday present, never planned third baby a year and two weeks ago. It's crazy, I was foggy for, well, even now, but when I see them, all three of them, playing together, just being together, it seems that we've always been a family of five. And to see the first two adoring the third, and the baby adoring the first ones, my heart explodes!

[Jean]

The questions you're asking yourself are what a lot of mothers ask when they are pregnant with their second child. You wonder how you can possibly love another child like your first, will the routine be disrupted, how will the child fit in, etc The feelings are normal. Everything does work out just fine though. My youngest is 14 and my oldest is 21. My middle is 19. I can't imagine life without my youngest. He is my joy, my heart. All my children are the lights of my life, but there is just something about the baby of the family that brings such joy to his parents and siblings.

[moo]

Delurking to agree with everyone and tell you that your feelings are completely normal.
I'm currently preg with my second and I feel the same way you do, every freakin' day. "Am I making a mistake?" "Why did I think this would be a good idea?" "How could I love another boy the way I love my son?"

And there is no loving belly rubbing or thoughtful contemplation this time around. I feel horrible, like I'm shortchanging child2 already.

From what I've read and seen ... it's all going to work out. Don't ask me how. It just does.

[One of Two Mommies]

I totally felt the same way while waiting for my twins to arrive, "Surely I won't love these two as much as my precious daughter". And you know what - I didn't at first. I know that sounds horrible, but they were sooooooooooo much bloody work for the first 3 months I was so exhausted I felt like I didn't have time to bond with them or enjoy them much. They are just over 3 months now and their extreme fussiness has died down and they are smiling and now my heart is starting to melt. Now all 3 kids have me wrapped around their little fingers. Just wanted you to know that for some of us the instant love is a bit different for the additional children simply because you're so busy, but it does get there (don't want you to have something else to feel guilty about :-)

[Em]

After reading some more comments, it made me remember when my 3rd was born and deciding (please forgive me for how horrible this will sound) that I was going to spend my whole life pretending to love him as much as the others. I remember thinking it all through, hoping I could fool him and worried that he would somehow know that I didn't love him as much as my first two. It was ridiculous. It didn't occur to me that the love would come. And truly, the love was probably always there, why else would I worry so much that he might feel less loved? Why would I have come up with a life long plan of deception and "fake" love? It was only the familiarity that wasn't there and duh, why would it be? Of course it would come. My 3rd will be two in 12 days. I haven't faked it in about 23 months ;-) He is every bit as familiar as my own hands and every tiny bit as known and as loved as his brother and sister.

I'm still a little ashamed at having those feelings when he was first born but the more I read your comments, the less alien I feel for ever having them. It does make sense, even if it doesn't paint a pretty picture all the time.

[Tinker]

We ended up going to a family of six to get that balance back. Fortunately our gender split is even (unless you count the dog tipping it in favour of the girls, though she prefers to hang with my husband).

[Brenda]

You'll probably find that you're much more relaxed this time around. It's all familiar territory now and you're an experienced mom. If you're at all like I was, you'll be able to enjoy every stage he goes through, knowing from experience how very fast they grow up. Knowing he's your last will make everything more poignant.

[julie]

i don't have any kids, but someone once said to me a family of four is a square and a family of five is a circle! totally different dynamics.

[Fii]

>> How can I possibly love another child as much as I love Adam and Kate? <<

I thought the same thing when I got PG to have my second child. The gap would be 6.5 years by the time the noob was born...surely I wouldn't be able to divide my heart up to share love with another baby?

And then I found out that hearts don't get split into smaller shares of love... instead they expand to accommodate all the extra love!

May your heart expand happily!

[Roberta]

We went from a family of 3 to a family of 5 in September - had exactly the same worries as you when I was pregnant. Plus the guilt! My poor son - going from the apple of everyone's eye (only grandchild on both sides, etc) to the big brother of two brand-new centers of attention. Of course, as everyone says, it all falls into place as it ought.

And just one additional comment: you've done it the right way around, starting with the twins and then doing a singleton. Because Holy Fucking Shit! twins are tougher than one baby. Seriously. The difference in sleep deprivation alone is amazing.

[liesl]

I agree with all the above. Just know that your third just fits in!! My third is 12 weeks and we are all loving her!! It takes time to adjust to it and to find a new routine and family dynamic but it is so worth it!!! So so glad we had a third, she is a real blessing. Now that I know how quickly they grow ip, I'm enjoying every moment. Fx

[Sue]

I get it. Totally. We had our son first, and I fell head over heels in love. I mean seriously. All I every wanted was a baby boy and when I got one I wondered what I did to deserve the Best Kid Ever. So when we got pregnant with baby number two, I could not wrap my head around loving someone else like I loved my boy. We also learned we were having a girl, and let me just say that I never liked little girls even when I was a little girl. So I spent my pregnancy just not really believing that this all was going to have a happy ending.

But it did. She is the most amazing little girl, and is doted on by mommy, daddy and big brother. It all fit, and I can't imagine it any other way.

You may find now that instead of the boy couch and the girl couch it is the kid couch and the grown up couch. You will soon be outnumbered by the little people!

[Barbara]

I think that many women wonder how they can possibly love a new baby as much as the child/children they already have. I know I felt that way when I was expecting my second child, whom I have loved from the moment of his birth. My daughter, who is now grown with children of her own, said to me when she was holding her newborn second child, "It's like I grew a whole new heart, I love him so much".

[laura]

You are far, far from ungrateful. I am so glad I clicked back and found this post. I feel much like you do - I have 2 1/2 year old twins - boy and girl, and am so satisfied with our neat and orderly life as it is. I realize I need to make a decision about more children fairly soon, and am so conflicted. I'm looking forward to reading more about your future as it pans out!!