Doing what we can

My mom had her second round of chemo last week.  It went a little rougher than the first round.  Thank goodness many of you warned us, so we were prepared. (BTW, my mother and father both read my blog now and have been blown away by your messages of support for them)

The actual chemo was tough, my mom got an allergic reaction half way through (severe back pain apparently worse than labour, which my mom has done four times with no drugs – ouch!), so they had to stop one of the meds, then reinstate it slowly.  Which means it took the whole day to get through the chemo.

Then, as it did last time, the side effects kicked in with a vengeance two days later.  This time my mom had such bad joint and limb pain, she couldn’t lift her head to drink soup through a straw.

And that’s the hard part.

We are a VERY close family, sometimes too close.  I know that the closeness can seem overwhelming, especially to the poor buggers who marry into this family, but the good part of this is if any of us is need, we rally around immediately.  

I am fortunate in that I live closest to my parents. I am the eldest, but the biggest baby in the family, by far.  I tell people I live close to my parents in case they need me.  The truth is, I need them. 

So, I live close by. I can help where ever I can. Shop (not cook, couldn't subject the poor old folks to that), tidy up, sit with my mom while she has her chemo etc.  My poor siblings, sister Nina who lives in Seoul and brother Paul who lives in London, have been ready to jump on that plane from the minute my mom got the diagnosis, but there is only so much any of us can do. 

Sister Mel lives close enough, but even she can only do so much. My dad has been absolutely amazing.  Honestly, that man is my hero.  He looks after her like gold.  I keep phoning and saying “can I help? Can I fold laundry? Wash dishes? Shop for you?” and he keeps telling me “don’t worry, we’ve got it under control”.

But even him, even all of us, can only help so far. There are some things she has to go through alone, one of which is the chemo side effects. That is the part I find hardest to bear.  To see her in pain and not be able to make it (physically) better for her. We all struggle with that. My mom is the strong one in the family, the rock.  To see her suffer is damn hard.  But she is a trooper and very strong. She has already turned the corner, and is feeling better each day. And the amazing thing is, I went to visit her on Saturday, in the midst of her worst time and there she was, greeting me at the door with lipstick on.  My mother believes lipstick cures all ills.  She might be bald, she might be suffering, but she has lipstick on and looks great.  Go mom!

As I said, it is hardest for Nina and Paul who are so far away, and who can’t be physically here for my mom, but they do what they can from afar, to show their love and support.  And I know each little word, each little gesture means the world to my mom.

I am so blessed to have such an amazing family, I love you all!

 

My brother Paul from London, with a message to my mom. He shaved his head in support.

Comments

[Suzi in Las Vegas]

Oh, Tertia - would that any of us could take part or all of this burden from you and your mom.

Your mother is an inspiration.

As are you - to watch your own parents go through this, when you depend on them - all I can say to you is, don't wait for them to ask - pretend its mum's day or dad's day every do often - my parents would never ask us for help, thinking of us as children still - silly, isn't it? So - don't wait, just do. Not often, but enough. You'll know.

A little vegas assvice for you...
you and yours are in my thoughts and prayers....

[jeannie]

Sorry your mom is going through this. But it will be over soon, and she will be as good as new.

Your brother is a hunk, with or without hair!!

[Melissa in TN]

Hi Mimi, I am thinking about you and hoping the next treatment is easier.

M.

[Coral]

It is touching to see how close you are.

Mimi, stay strong, we all want you well, and soon!

Please tell Paul I love the washing in the background! A lovely touch! ;-))

[Bianca W]

Ah man - those photos of your brother sent huge, emotional tear to my eyes. I cannot even imagine what they did for your mom!!!!

She is one lucky lady to have such beautiful children. But, by the sounds of it, you are 4 lucky children to have her for your mom too.

[serina]

Oh, that photo made me cry!
Mimi, you have beautiful kids. We're all thinking of you.

[tiah]

Your brother is so sweet. In fact, your entire family does. Sounds like your mum is being a champ.
Lipstick cures all ills...so that's where I've been going wrong. Need lipstick :-)

[cat]

Tertia, lots of live to you all! I love what Paul did - my cousin (a 37 year old woman) did the same when her mom lost her hair. I am not suggesting you touch your lovely locks, but I love the idea of support. And my mom truly believes in lipstick curing all too!

[caragh]

Your mum, is kicking cancer and chemo's ass.
xx

[Lena]

The pictures of your brother made me cry. How sweet. I firmly believe in the "healing power" of lipstick, and some blush. Look good, feel good... xoxoxo

[Jane]

Man you guys have an awesome family, headed by what sounds like incredible parents/grandparents. The support, love and caring is wonderful to feel and see. You guys are an inspiration. ALL OF YOU!

*thinking of your mum and everyone else too*

[charne]

O tertia you have one amazing, close family!! seeing that photo of your brother made the tears start flowing! it really must be so hard for Nina and Paul to be so far away...

Thinking of you and your family, especially your mom!

I know its hard for you to see her in pain, sending you hugs and ur whole family

[Antoinette]

Oh Tertia,I dont think there will be a dry eye on the internet tonight!I too have tears rolling down!Your Mum is truly a wonderful lady -your whole family is just a credit too her.
Take care of mimi-what a precious mum she is.I do hope the pain goes soon and this will all be over with.
Paul is terrific also!!!
Lots of love to you all
Antoinette

[Wobs]

The gesture from Paul is awesome and his "love" note just blew me away! I think your Mom gets her strength from her unbelievable support structure in your Dad and her children. Go Mimi! You're all in our thoughts and prayers!

[Tamara Landman]

Mimi you warrior woman, we are all here for you ! You are such an inspiration and your family is such an example to all of us. Get well soon ! xxx Hugs

[Melanie Novitzkas]

I wanna cry too and this is my family. We are lucky.
Paul you are OK, I am sorry shaving your head still hasn't made you the favourite but remember you will always be Mom's fave son.
From your fave sister.
Mel
xxx

[Sara]

I'm so sorry that you're all going through this, but I'm also so glad that you have each other.

A little chemo assvice--when my mother was in chemo, I found that she did the tiniest better if I fed her something immediately after chemo. She was exhausted, and didn't want to eat, but there was a small window of opportunity before the nausea set in, and if I could get her to eat then, the food had a chance to stay down, whereas a few hours later, eating was out of the question. That little bit of extra nutrition seemed to help her weather the next two days a little better.

Sorry, I know every cancer warrior is different, and that what worked for my mom might not be what works for yours, but since it took me a while to figure out when to push food and when not to do so (she was VERY out of it for the first bit after chemo, so she couldn't really speak or think for herself then).

My thoughts are with the marvelous Mimi.

[Boulder]

Your family is so wonderful, and your parents have to be so very proud of the caring, loving, funny and sweet children they have raised to be such great friends.

I don't know who made me cry today - your mom for being so fiesty when she has had such a rough round, your dad for being her true partner, you for being the eldest but yet the baby, Mel for teasing Paul just as I do my siblings because humor always helps, Nina for being so far away but wanting to help so much, or Paul for showing his support so outwardly to the world. I can only imagine how much each of the spouses want to help you all too.

Much love & strength to you all.

xoxo

[deblet]

How awesome of your brother to shave his head.Mom is a real trooper and is so strong,love the lipstick comment my Mom also is a firm believer in the lipstick

[Tess Lyons]

what a great family. you put the fab in fabulous.
my family just puts the dis in dysfunctional...but we have ALOT of fun doing it!!
smooches to you and air smooches to mimi so i don't muss up her lipstick

[Tripsmom]

On totally another topic: go to Sky News website and see headline article "Hopes Soar After IVF Breakthrough"

[Jennifer]

*sniff* The pictures of your brother made me cry.

My mother in law fought cancer for 5 years and my husband and I were the only ones close enough to help. Your mom is very lucky to have your dad, my mother in law was single.

Sending good thoughts for you and your family.

[Lala]

Can we send your mom some lipstick care packages from around the world? To boost her spirits? It may take a while to get there but what fun that would be.

[jenn]

Your mother is so lucky to have such a loving support system. That picture of your brother is the sweetest thing I've ever seen!

[Jennifer]

I've been thinking of your Mom over the last few weeks. Family is so important during times like this. She is truly blessed to have such wonderful kids. I will continue to think of positive thoughts for you all. Stay strong!

[Rachel]

I so admire your mother's attitude about everything, especially the lipstick! I think she is right, I think lipstick might have superpowers. I love how you and your family are supporting her, even from long distances. The pictures of your brother and his sign are too sweet. Best wishes to everyone and you are all in my thoughts.

[sezhoo]

T, I'm so sorry you and your family are going through all of this. I lost my mother to cancer (after a 4 year struggle) when I was 15. This was back in 1978 though and the medicines and the way they treat cancer have changed dramatically. I'm not a happy clapper either (and think everyone should see Bill Maher's Religulous for perspective) but in a weird twist of fate or coincidence, I married a man who patented a piece of the process used to make Retuxan (a cancer drug). He frequently tells me of some new process or improvement in the treatment of cancer. You caught it early and that makes all the difference in the world. Stay strong! Thinking of you...

[Maija]

Tertia,
I've been your fan from the very beginning of your blogging days, although I must confess that it's been like a year since I last checked in! I was so sorry to hear about your mom. Your blog still cracks me up, though. Wonderful tourism post there with a photo and all :o)
All the best, M.

[wyliekat]

Love is it's own power, with it's own healing properties. I know this firsthand, though not in the same context.

I can actually feel the net you've created for her, and it's beautiful.

[Tine]

Smooches all around (no hugs)! What an awesome family.

Assvice alert....(read or ignore as you please)....

I'm unlucky enough to have experienced cancer in my circle of family and friends a number of times. I have just two words of assvice: medical marijuana.

That's the *only* thing I've seen provide measurable relief from pain and nausea.

[Chicago]

Your mom is blessed and is obviously a blessing to her family as well. It has been my privilege to follow her story here on your blog and, as one of your happy clappers, pray for her every day.

You might want to warn a sister before posting shirtless pics of your brother on the blog, though! Something like **HOTTIE ALERT** up near the top of the post to give us time to prepare. And as if he wasn't hot enough in the first pic, how much hotter is he that he shaved his head in solidarity with your mom?!? He's my hero. And, did I mention, HOT!

[Wenchy]

The picture of your boet made me cry.

[Dayna]

Tertia, I know I don't know you other than on here and on Facebook but I do think of your mom often. Wishing her, and your family, the very best.

Now I know where you get your bravery and your toughness from.

[Slim]

If your mother doesn't want an airlift of lipstick, does SA have a version of "Look Good Feel Better" that we could donate to in her honor?

[Heather]

So sorry to hear the treatments are tough. I'm praying for your mom. And it's great that you have such a close family. I think it's a blessing. My DH has 8 brothers and sisters and they don't always get along, but they are still very very close.

[Caroline]

Sending prayers and love from half a world away. My stepmother went through breast cancer a few years ago... I agree that you can't wait for them to ask for help, you just have to DO. I'm sure they are feeling blessed for your presence and strength.

Tell brother Paul that the houseladies appreciate the shirtlessness.

Hugs.

[Luann]

ummm..Paul is HOT with no hair!

[silene]

I love Lala's idea - I want to send Mimi a warrior woman lipstick! Can we create the Warrior Woman Lipstick Brigade and each send her a fabulous color to fight in? Thinking of you, Mimi, and rest assured I will make sure never to leave the house without lipstick on, just like my Grandma taught me!

[Debbie]

Your mom used to belong to the Pioneer Quilting group in Durbanville and we were friends for many years. I found your website by chance on the very day you blogged that your mom had received her diagnosis. Needless to say I was shocked and saddened but I also know what a strong woman she is. Please tell her that Debbie, Denise, Heather, Rykje and the girls who are now in the group, send their love and very best wishes.

[Tertia]

You guys are sweet, not sure how the lipstick thing would work, but if you really want to send a lipstick mail me and I will give you the address xxx

[D]

You have an amazing family! You are so lucky. Many people don't have that connection with their family and I feel so bad for them. We wish your family well. Your mom is going to pull through this.

[Lisa]

Your mom is a warrior. You are a wonderful daughter. And your brother is hot.

[amber]

your brother paul made me cry. I was hanging on right up until that 2nd photo. When my 15 yr old niece was diagnosed with cancer, me extra close family (I get that!) did everything we could. We would have done anything to take away some pain. that helpless feeling can break your heart. oh how I know.

Many prayers for your mom. and all of you. Because its not just that your mom has cancer, your family has cancer. at least thats how it was for us.

[Lisa]

Those pictures of your brother made me cry a little!

[renee frouws]

every time i see you i mean to ask how mom's doing..she's a tough cookie alright!!!! you guys have such a wonderful tight bond, its very special!
might i also add that you're looking incredibly "girlie" lately..and no its not the pregnant belly..its something else..looking really gorgeous! pregnancy and
you are awfully good mates :-)

[Emily]

I know how hard this is for your whole family, and I'm sorry you have to go through it! My Mom went through chemo about a year ago (breast cancer), and for me the feeling not being able to help was really hard. I live far away, and felt so useless only being able to send care packages. I was able to visit once, but Mom (being a Mom!) insisted that I come during an off-week when she could enjoy my visit, instead of coming during a chemo-week when I might be of more help. I remember that what killed my Dad the most... one of Mom's bad side effects was skin sensitivity, so when she was feeling the worst Dad couldn't even hold her without causing more discomfort.

Like your parents (I'm sure), it really did make a world of difference for my Mom and Dad to know that their family was out there loving and supporting them, even if we couldn't always be in the room.

Hang in there, Teria's Mom, because I'm SURE that a year from now you will be just as full of health and energy as my mum is!

[Geertje]

I live in the same street as my parents do. I had to smile when I read about your explainations... :-)

Still you are proving the fact it is no one-way street...

Having 2 sons Paul's act of love is touching me. There are so many ways to show love - even when you are far away. My mom is often reading a letter that I brought her to the hospital when she had one of her surgeries. She also took it to her rehab. One evening she called me to tell me she was reading it again... Simple things...

It is true. You can not take the pain from her mom. But it is good to be sorrounded by loving people. And to know that everything is going well there. That nothing will go wrong while you take your extra breaks... You are a great team. I guess there can be no better team than a strong family.

I will keep thinking of you all. Hoping for a quick recovery.

[Jeanette]

Your mom sounds incredible!! And those photos just gave me a lump in my throat.

[Kathy]

What a superstar, your brother. Your whole post made me tear up. What a gift it is to your entire family that you are so talented at writing and that you can express what they mean to you. You have such a beautiful way with words. I hope, with the deepest fiber in me, that your mom feels better soon and that this wreched chemo does what it's supposed to do: kill the cancer.

[Jannene]

Tertia, your Mum must be an amazing woman. I only am getting to know her through your blog, but based on how great her children are and the amazing kind things you all do, she must be an inspiration. I love the photos of your brother Paul - so simple, but so profoundly full of love. I am sending your mum my best wishes and hope that the journey back to full health is a swift one.

[victoria]

I didn't tear up at the sight of Paul. I just thought, "Wow, what a hot dude. Tertia's whole family is gorgeous."

[savannah TX]

Oh my goodness Tertia, your post today made me cry. Your mom is awesome.
I wish you and your family all the best and will keep you in my prayers.
Please don't forget to take care of yourself.

[amy]

Best wishes and prayers coming at you Mimi from BC Canada! It would seem you have some pretty great kids supporting you and a wonderful husband. You are so very fortunate to have them :) Hoping you are feeling better very soon and take it one day at a time. Soon this will all be a distant memory, something you CONQUERED!

[blackbird]

Please know that I am holding you and yours in my heart as you weather this.

[Camille]

So sweet of brother Paul. I'm sure that meant a lot to your mom. I'm so sorry that she is going through this - that you're all going through this. All my best....

[alison]

She's been on my mind. You've all been. Sending love and light.

[Anon]

I had tears in my eyes when I read this one. As I said before, my 58 yr old father-in-law was diagnosed just after your Mum, and unfortunately we don't live in the same country. We constantly get the kids to draw pics to cheer up grampy/ send photos/food ideas/silly magazine clips. Whatever we can so he knows we're rooting for him. But one day last week he was so violently sick he couldn't even speak to the children on the phone. It is just so excruciatingly hard to hear and not be able to even hold his hand - there's only so often we can fly back.

Everyone has told us treatment is like a long dark tunnel, so dig your heels in for the long haul, and promise yourself you will come out the other side. The other thing we've done is offer my f-in-law carrots & sticks, like paying for him to visit us at the end of the summer if he's well enough, a visit to Monet's Garden (where he's always wanted to go)etc etc. It's trying to give him something positive to head towards during the bleaker moments.
This is probably no help at all, but I am thinking of your Mum, and all those others battling like this and praying for positive outcomes.

[Hanlie]

Still thinking of your mom! Hang in there, it will be over soon!

[Jill]

Tell Paul if he was really supporting your mom he would wear lipstick. Sorry, can't help it, I have a brother I like to tease too.

Sending healing thoughts and prayers for your mom.

[Maritza]

So sweet.

[kbreints]

Your mom is amazing- I lvoe the lipstick story! And the pictures of your brother shaving his head is awesome!

[furiousBall]

Although these times are difficult for anyone touched by your mother, this is also the time that the brightest stars of your friends and family really shine. I know that when we lost my father last year (to a fall down a set of stairs), the outpouring of love and support was overwhelming at times. Good thoughts and prayers to your mother and family.

Thanks for the add on fb too!

[Gabrielle]

And I bet your mom was thinking... "God dangit,Paul!! Fold that laundry!!! Don't you know you could end up on your sister's endlessly successful blog and one bajillion people will see you??! " :)

['wishIknew']

Hang in there Tertia's mom - even though it's hard - remember it's doing what it's supposed to to rid your body of any stray cancer cells.

You're winning the battle - stay strong warrior woman.

3 Cheers for Paul and the rest of your loving and supportive family.

'wishIknew'

['wishIknew']

P.S.

Make sure you tell the Dr./nurses about the joint pain - they should be able to give you pain medicine to help with that - don't be shy to speak up! They are very good at managing pain but they need to know about it.

[Jean]

Your mother sounds like my mother when it comes to lipstick. I am still praying for your mother.

[juliette]

Your dear dear Mum. I am so sorry she has to go through this. I am so sorry you ALL have to go through this. I am just so glad that you do have such wonderful family support. I think of your Mum everyday and say a prayer for her.

love and hugs

[Jo]

Your mum is strong and even stronger with her tight family unit. I love the fact that your brother shaved his hair in support. My hubby started balding when I started chemo many years ago, and he got the raw end of the deal, cos my hair grew back - his didn't! I rib him about it to this day. Love to you all from Australia xxxx

[Lindsay]

WOW! What a special family!!! Please tell your mom that my mom Margaret Sanders (Gorrie) sends lots of love. xxx

[pops]

i can see where Paul get his good looks from. Just like his dad

[serina]

Lala, that's a great idea, lipsticks from all over the world!
So, Mimi, would you like "Monkey-arse Red" or "Nipple Pink?"

[Dana B]

My mum died from ovarian cancer back in the 1980s when treatment was not as good as it is today. So I know how hard it is for you, her, and all of the family. You are all in my thoughts and prayers.

A friend of mine has been battling leukemia for a year, and our mantra has been "FTC!" Instead of meaning "first to comment," it means "F*ck The Cancer!" Hope your mum can at least get a laugh out of it, or maybe even adopt it as her own war slogan.

I know brother Paul is married. But I am swooning. He looks like a divine mix of Clive Owen and Jake Gylenhall.