The Infertile and the Jinx Factor

Either the scars run deep, or old habits die hard, but even now, even with this au natural who-knew-sex-could-get-you-pregnant pregnancy, it is so hard to let go of the jinx factor.

 

When you are going through infertility, you have so little control over what happens – very little control over how your body responds and no control over the final result. You can try as hard as you can, and you still can’t influence the result. It’s a huge mindfuck, especially for the A types who are used to controlling their world, and who have always believed that effort = reward. 

 

And so, in order to try and wrestle some semblance of control, you (a) educate yourself with as much info as you can and (b) look for ‘signs’ every where. Even if before you merrily walked under ladders and laughed at black cats in your path, you suddenly become hyper vigilant for signs. A baby sticker on the window of the car in front of you as you drive to the clinic – IT’S A SIGN!! A song playing on the radio that you danced to as your first dance – IT’S A SIGN!! If you can’t find a sign, you make one up. Infertiles love signs.

 

The flip side of looking for signs, is fearing the jinx factor. The jinx factor reigns large. We live in fear of the jinx factor. After so many IVFs, pregnancies and losses, you would think that by now I would know that if something is going to go wrong, it is going to go wrong (because of perfectly logical, explainable MEDICAL factors), but no, I am still so fearful of the jinx factor.

 

Announcing that you are pregnant is hugely jinxy. But somehow, if you announce it with the right ‘tone’ (not too confident or boastful, instead full of gratitude edged with a bit of fear), it is less jinxy.  Working out your due date – very, very jinxy. Acting 100% confident / blasé / naïve / boastful about being pregnant – very, very jinxy.

 

Yesterday when I want for the CVS, I was comforting myself that it would be good because it was at a new doctor, not the one that did the CVS for the last pregnancy that turned out so bad, and that blah blah blah (looking for signs every where) and when the new doctor walked in, I immediately recognized her (and her me) from when I did the CVS with the quads – she was there that day assisting. I was completely stuck as to whether it was a good sing or a jinx. Brain melted.

 

As you know, we have a brilliant local online support site (Fertilicare) for local infertiles. I hang around the infertile boards giving people encouragement where I can, answering questions where I can and occasionally I lurk on the pregnancy boards. So yesterday I thought I would join them there, announcing my pregnancy and joining in the group. I opened up a new post, was about to start typing my news and then I shut the window down. I just couldn’t. Far too jinxy.

 

I know that my friends and family get, um, irritated is too strong a word, lets say ‘concerned’ that I am like this, that I am not 100% skippy happy, its not that I don’t want to, its just that I can’t. It is far too jinxy. I feel as if as long as I hold on to a little bit of the respectful fear, I am somehow am protecting myself and the pregnancy from the jinx.

 

As I said, the scars run deep and old habits die hard.

 

PS I have a few good signs that comfort me that just maybe this will end up ok, but I obviously can’t share them with you as that would be way too jinxy ;-)

 

PPS I really am ok, and even dare I say it, happy! This is just my way of dealing with the fear.  I am fearfully happy.  Happily fearful.  Actually just happy touched with a tiny, teeny bit of fear of the jinx.

 

PPPS Another really jinxy thing is to get all cocky about picking baby names, but I’ve always picked my names early so I might do the same.  Am going to ask you for help as this baby was practically conceived on this blog anyway. Don’t post your suggestions yet!!! Too jinxy. Only after Friday’s results. Then we will have the name discussion. Put your thinking caps on in the mean time.

Comments

[Ann]

Love and blessing darling Tertia
xxxxxxx

[ruth]

its hard to let the anxiety go isn't it? you think that if you dare to be happy it will cause a disaster.

enjoy this time as much as you can, celebrate hard and spit in the face of fear. we will be here to catch you whenever you need us.

grow well little wise baby - what a family you have chosen for yourself . . . you are going to love it!

[Elaine]

Fellow infertiler wishing you no jinx's, just the good stuff.

[Charlene Heath - East London]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TERTIA! Glad all is going well so far!
(Know exactly what you mean about THOSE SIGNS!!!!!)
My husband(birthday today too) keeps telling me that "superstition is the religion of a feeble mind". But caution and FEAR just bring it on BIG TIME!

[Lesley Watt]

Having just seen your latest 2 entries... Happy Birthday and I'm really pleased to hear everything looks good with LN7.

I was so sure it was a girl this time having followed your blog for the last 2 or 3 years... I have a habit of getting these things wrong though it seems.

Fingers crossed all continues to go well with the wee fella.

[Kirsty]

May only positive signs cross your path until next May... did you spot what I did there?? I am genius itself!

[ruth]

p.s the 'jinx' thing is just another face of the control thing - we kid ourselves into believing that we have some real influence over the way things will turn out; by managing to avoid jinxes, we feel that we are controlling the pregnancy; anything to avoid admitting that it is pretty much out of our hands, and that if our precious kids make it it is by some sheer, invisible grace, and that we are triply blessed to have them in any form at all.

so delicious that you are happy and positive, long may you be so!

xxx

[Lindsay]

Jinx and signs- totally identify! think it's the best way we infertiles know how to cope- just in case!

[Melanie Novitzkas]

Even the sister of the infertile (a naturally preg infertile???) feels the jinx factor and the sister is a Lordy Lass. Its not from my side but it is knowing you and how you see things. When I bought the maternity clothes for your birthday (did they fit by the way? Like them?)I thought about if you would see it a as a good sign or a jinx? Would you blame me if you lost the baby because I bought the clothes? Blech, its horrible for you and me having to 2nd guess everything. You need Jesus, it makes life so much easier and takes off the pressure of self alot and gives amazing peace. And grace. In fact I am singing Amazing grace as we speak, la la laaaaaaah!

[Kimberly]

Happy birthday!

[Andrea]

Tertia, of all your posts I have read over the years, this one gets first place for being most "in my head". OH how I understand what you are saying! The loss of control, the jinxing, and oh, the signs, the signs everywhere! Your brain knows that is rubbish but your heart can't help it. I think just a little bit, we want a great story: "I saw someone with the same shoes as me carrying a baby, and I just KNEW I was pregnant! And sure enough I was!" It's so silly from afar, but I saw so many signs. I remember the one that I just knew for sure was the absolute certain sign that cycle would work. I was going through some of my then-older toddler's dresser drawers, and pulled a drawer out, and found, behind the drawer where it had gotten stuck, a baby outfit that he had never warn. Brand new, still with tags. Well, come on, that was a SIGN that I would need that very baby outfit very soon, right? HOW could it not be? Of course, that cycle didn't work. They never did.

And I too had the late surprise pregnancy that finally DID work (6+ years after I started trying to get pregnant with #2). I was never boastful, confident, or super-excited until after my perfect, beautiful son made his entrance this last summer. But then - oh, how I have let the joyful emotions flow since he was placed in my arms. All that pregnancy excitement that other women get to have, I have lavished it on my son, because he is here and he is precious. Just you wait, Tertia. The surprise, post-IF baby makes your heart do some incredible flips.

Happy Birthday!

[Lisa Dana G]

I am "crossing my fingers" that your results come back with a lovely result.

[Jennifer Rindfleisch]

I could not have written this better myself. I've said it before, I've been on a very, very similar journey as you, so I feel like every post you write is coming directly from my mind and going into your blog. Thank you for allowing me and the rest of your world to join in on this new journey with LN7. I will do my best to limit any jinxy thoughts.

[KarenD]

I so understand what you are saying about the jinx factor. I was so afraid of the jinx factor during my one successful pregnancy (twins) that my husband and I didn't tell anyone (including close family and friends) that I was pregnant until I was 17 weeks along and forced to tell because so many people were asking if I was pregnant... or worse (tumour, huge fibroids were some of the diagnoses being contemplated!). My baby doppel was my lifesaver from 12 weeks until I could feel the babies' movements at 20 weeks.

Fingers crossed and wishing you all the best...and Happy Birthday!

[me]

Praying for you often.

[Rachel]

*Crossing all bits for you*

[Kristin]

Its so hard to get past the fear that grabs hold of us. Thinking of you and praying for you and this little one.

[Amy]

I think all infertiles understand the jinx factor...I didn't decorate my daughters room until I was 8 mos along because of the jinx factor. We're keeping you, Marko, the kids and LN7 in our thoughts.

[Dana]

OMG...this post totally speaks my mind. For the 6th time, I'm preggers and almost 23 weeks along but I can't make myself be like a normal preg woman. I'm constantly scared that something is going to happen. I've only spoken of baby names a few times and then only for a minute. I've bought NOTHING at all because I know as soon as I do something is going to happen. My friends and family are the same way...expecting me to be so happy but I can't be anything but reserved. I know better...

[sarah]

plus the jinxes are way more pleasant to worry about than the REAL things we have to fear.

happy birthday and may you see good signs everywhere!

[Jill]

You put that so wonderfully. People around me always thought I was kind of a freak b/c I would research everything so much that at times I knew more than my doctors. I always pretended I didn't though - I let them think it was their idea (like I do with my husband.) Anyway, thanks to your description I see now that it was the only thing I could control. The only thing that I could do in the situation.

As always, I'm glad this one looks good.

[ALH]

This post so perfectly states the infertile mind! All the very, very best to LN7. No jinxes!

[a]

I had two miscarriages - the first one happened just 2 days after my husband announced it to all the people we worked with. Talk about thinking he was a jinx! During the third pregnancy, he would not go to any appointments or ultrasounds for fear that his "bad karma" would cause something to happen to the baby. I opted for determination that the pregnancy would succeed, but we still didn't tell anyone until after we had most of the testing done to indicate that the baby would be normal and healthy.

Hope things continue to go well!

[Bridgette]

I actually paused yesterday before writing that our sons would have the same birthday. I sat here thinking "is that a jinx?" Then I thought that day is a wonderful for me and my son so I think its ok.

That shit never goes away....

[Maggie]

Oh Tertia, I am 8 months along now, and can't let it go either. Last weekend I chastised myself for thinking about colors in the baby's room. How do I KNOW I'll have a little girl in a month? How totally arrogant of me!!! This time I was just SURE I'd be able to let the worry go after the first trimester and the tests were normal. Alas, no. I feel for you!

[Wendyd]

Tertia, I'm sending you lots of non-jinxy positive vibes, and I'm sure the results on Friday are going to be perfect! I can understand your fear though, and we all fear the unknown, no matter what it is. Lots of non-hugs to you!

[Anna]

Hi Tertia.
In Italy you would be perfectly within the norm, because we are very superstitious about these things. In fact we do not have baby showers for this reason. They are considered bad luck. We always think of the worst, so usually the baby shower is held after 1 month the baby is home. Now I live in the US, so I had to make a registry for my first pregnancy to avoid receiving 20 identical pairs of newborn outfits from well-meaning friends. When I told my italian friends that I was making a registry (before the baby was born!) they seemed pretty horrified, most ignored it altogether until J was born.

[Anna]

And I will add this. I have a Russian friend...and they are even more extreme than Italians! My friend and his wife would not even tell anyone of the pregnancy at all, even when his wife was over 30 weeks. We just met her at nine months and then she confirmed. She told me in Russia it's 'bad luck' to announce it.

[Susan]

I don't think I got excited with #7 (LB#2) until I was checking in at the hospital to have him.
Here's a definite jinx, showing the 20-week ultrasound pics to people...something is bound to go wrong when you do that, right?
NBHHY and may that continue to be the case!

[Rebecca]

This post was so close to home for me - it was so reassuring to read it. I am on #5 (no LBs as yet) and it seems it might just work, but I don't want to say anything, or feel happy. I don't think I will truly accept it until I see my baby in person. May that day arrive!

[Rebecca]

Forgot to add that I wish you all the best!

[Lisa S.]

Amen, Tertia... you hit the nail on the head. I am only 34 years old and with a precious IVF son.... suddenly pg with #2 - and my friends can't understand why I would want to take the risk of an amnio?? I'm like well - when your body has failed you before - it's just pretty hard to trust that everything is OK when we have experience behind us telling us that it isn't always OK. You speak my heart as always.

Smooch!

[Terri]

I don't think my previous comment posted, forgive me if it did. Firstly, congratulations Tertia! And secondly, I am so excited to be going through this 'with' you! (I'm due late March with my first. Also a boy!) Bring on the name discussion, our list is growing daily!

[Jenn]

Ok so here's my assvice take it or leave it. After friday's results if everything is good then throw all the jinx factors right out the window.

I got PG naturally after 10yrs of IF(6 IUI's, 3 IVF's, donor eggs blah, blah blah) and I let the jinx factor make me miss out on enjoying the PG. I so wish I could go back and do it over again and just truly enjoy it. At the time I was too afraid. Please don't let the fear ruin your joy. Like you said if something's going to happen it's going to happen no matter if you decorate a nursery, pick names or whatever. You said yourself that this is the last time you are ever going to be PG so by God enjoy every second of it. You so deserve to!

[Bryan]

Over the last 7 years we have been through 7 IVFs, 2 miscarriages, countless laps and 2 major reconstructive surgeries for abdominal endometriosis.

My wife and I have read your book, and more recently, this blog, but always with a mixed range of emotions. At first, we thought your response was OTT. Over time, my wife found that she could empathise more, although I have always felt that you have never really understood the male perspective.

Unfortunately, your blog and the comments from the majority of your readers, no longer applies to our situation. Your story is not a source of hope or admiration but instead a painful reminder of what we have not, and may never have.

It seems you have forgotten what it felt like when you thought you would never have a child and had to listen to friends and family drone on about their 'trivial' pregnancy issues.

We genuinely wish you every happiness with your soon to be expanded family but wanted to let you know that this blog is longer comforting or helpful to us.

[Lisa]

Like Jenn above, I too "missed" my pregnancy. It took us almost 16 years for a pg to take and hold - I was soooo damn scared that SOMETHING would go wrong. Happily, that was not the case, we have a wonderful 6 yo boy.

And Brian- see that red X in the corner? Feel free to click it anytime !! Jerk.

[Amy]

I cannot even fathom how paranoid your history must make you. But keep your chin up darling, you did this before and created TWO gorgeous children remember. Hoping nothing but the best for you and #7 :)

[LEILAH]

Hi Tertia,

I have only now read your two last posts. I am SO happy for you. All the best of luck for Friday - can`t wait for your post!!!

And to Bryan: go spill your ignorance elsewhere. Clearly you are not aware which positive contributions Tertia is making in the IF world still. Idiot.

[Trish]

Yes yes yes T - am 33 weeks pg today and after 9 IVFs and 1 living child I am still fearful and jinxy that this will not work out. No guarantees over here in interfile land but wishing you all the best. I understand completely - no happy skippy pg vibes....

[Bryan]

To Lisa and Leilah:

Thank you for making my point even stronger. Your responses emphasise that this forum is clearly not appropriate for us and probably many people who are still struggling through the immense biological, emotional and financial challenges of infertility. The rudeness of your responses is particularly surprising. Calling me ignorant, a jerk, and an idiot is an immature response to a rational and heartfelt post which I had hoped would give readers pause for thought about the efects of their comments on other readers who are still churning through their daily infertility struggles.

[D]

Are putting up the party pics too jinxy? You know we are all waiting lol...

[RenéeC]

I just wanted to share a little something: Almost two years ago, as my husband and I merged onto the highway that would take us to his first chemo appointment for Hodgkin's lymphoma, we found ourselves trying to navigate around a funeral procession (I've never before or since seen one on the highway and normally we'd pull over for them on a city street) and I couldn't help but wonder, despite not believing in jinxes or superstitions, if this was indeed a sign that he wasn't going to make it. And the little one I was carrying and our two at home wouldn't have their father and I wouldn't have my husband.
Six months later he was in total remission and now it's nothing more than a memory and a reminder.
Best of luck Tertia and LN7 <3

[LisaG]

We're visiting family for the holidays and last night my brother and SIL gave me my birthday/xmas gift. It was a great gift of baby containers and spoons and a book on what to feed your baby when they start solics, etc. But I couldn't help feeling that it was too soon and you just never know and what if it doesn't work out and let's just wait until the baby's here before we get too excited, ok? Last week (12wks) we found out we lost one of the twins sometime after our 8 wk u/s and it really rattled what little sense of security had been developing. Don't want to jinx things all the more by accepting gifts early for crying out loud. So glad to hear everything is looking good for LN7.

[LisaG]

Bryan, my heart goes out to you and your wife. IF in it's many shapes and forms just plain sucks. When someone is lucky enough to "graduate" from the ranks, I think it's ok for the wounds of IF to scab over and begin to heal as much as possible.

I'm not surprised this blog doesn't feel comforting or helpful to you any longer. I think Tertia and those of us lucky enough to "graduate" from IF deserve whatever normalcy of pregnancy/parenthood we can have including droning on about "trivial" pregnancy issues. It doesn't mean we forgot where we came from. It's just that for once we can begin to let ourselves feel little bits of normalcy.

There's survivor's guilt that goes along with it too. Why am I lucky enough to be pregnant when others have worked just as hard or harder and aren't? I don't know. But I do know that denying myself the joy of my pregnancy doesn't do a damn thing to help others still in the trenches.

[Queenie]

I love this post. I so live in this place. I'm currently reading A Year of Magical Thinking by Joan Didion (she constantly has thoughts like "if I don't publicly acknowledge he's dead, maybe he'll come back"), and constantly thinking that she's not "magically thinking" at all--she's thinking just like I always think! "Although the doctor has recommended further intervention, if we don't really try for a while, we're sure to get PG. . ."

I think that thinking that something is jinxy or not is a way of gaining control over the uncontrollable. Even though I intellectually know this, the signs sure do make me feel better!