Objectively speaking

I am not like some people who have the utmost confidence that they really are always right.  (Marko!) I know I am not always right.  I do make mistakes, I overreact, I get emotional about things, I speak without thinking etc.  But honestly, sometimes I wonder whether it really is me or could it possibly be, just maybe, that the other person (Marko!) could be in the wrong.

Whenever something happens, I always wish that I could record it and play it back to a jury, an objective jury so that I can get their opinion on the matter.  And when they pass their verdict, I will accept it graciously if I am wrong.

It's no use telling my mom, or my friends, because they are going to take my side.  I need an objective jury who will say if it is me, or if it is him (Marko!)

You lot are a possibility, but unfortunately I can't always use you because (a) I think you might be slightly biased towards me, and (b) the other person (Marko!) will get upset with me for talking about it in public.

I think I should get an anonymous blog so that I can post (non) hypothetical situations and ask the jury to decide.  Life imprisonment or death. 

Comments

[Maggie]

I am so with you there! I don't think I'm always right, but surely I can't always be wrong, either, lol. I have wished for that self-same unbiased jury on many an occasion. What a good idea for a little internet business ;-) Submit your argument and we will decide who is being a bit of a madam and/or who is being an obnoxious ass ;-)

[Joy]

I think many of these conflicts boil down not to one being right and the other wrong but a clash of preferences or needs. Since there are significant ways in which you and Marko have different personalities and needs, chances are that no one is right. You need A, he needs B, and each of you feels very, very right because our needs are so clear to us (and so odd and opaque to everyone else). If I can understand that my spouse did B because, like the dog who pooped on the rug, he just didn't know any better or could not stop himself, I can get to resolution a lot quicker. We tend to see others' actions (particularly those which hurt us) as deliberate choices, when often (like the dog) they are just responding to their own needs without understanding that we will see things differently. Sorry if I am shoving too much sunshine up your a** but I like how this point of view works for me and my spouse.

[Orange]

No, no—don't have us choose between life imprisonment and death. Make it life imprisonment, shag, or cliff.

[Bethany]

Ooh, sounds like a good one!

I think you should give us more credit on the being slightly biased towards you. Especially if you preface it by saying something like "please give me your honest opinion", I think we could assess the situation in a straightforward, unbiased manner. Also sounds like a good opportunity for a poll. Of course all that is nixxed if Marko vetoes the public forum approach.

P.S. Is it Monday yet?

[Paz]

Guilty! Off with his head!

[Paz]

Kidding, kidding!

[Lisa]

I've often thought Marko reminded me of my fiance. I can only judge by what you've written, but from that I can gather that both Marko and my fiance are both very handy around the house, both anal, both handsome, and both seem to always think they are right.

I always wish I had a tape recorder so I could remind my fiance of things he says. He conveniently forgets certain conversations ALL THE TIME. I might start doing that.

[Roberta]

Sorry, can't help you with this one - since I am ALWAYS RIGHT, it's hard for me to judge these kinds of situations!

[Ellen]

Here's an idea. . . and it's a bit unconventional, but it's certainly been instrumental in my learning how to be a much happier, peaceful person.

When I'm in a similar situation, I look for where I contributed to the problem. What the other person did to contribute to the problem is their business, not mine - even if it pertains to me - because there's not a damn thing I can do to control or run anyone else. . . and when I try I just get more pissed off and miserable. Then I look for ways I can contribute to the solution.

I theorize that life is too fucking short to get completely caught up in who is right or wrong. I'd rather focus on how I can fastest find contentment and serenity .

[ruth]

sometimes (in fact, a lot of the time) both people are right, in that they perceive a situation in their own way, and then respond according to their feelings about it. i.e. you might think it is cold, and put a nice olive green cardigan and socks with your crocs on to cover up, while marko thinks it it warm and walks around happily in his david beckham padded speedos.

who is right?

BOTH of you of course! you FEEL cold, and he FEELS warm. you are only stating and responding to subjective, limited feelings, based on YOUR INDIVIDUAL PERCEPTIONS, and not creating a rule by which all in the world must live or, if they refuse to, DIE.

but lets face it, you probably wouldn't get upset about him not agreeing with you about that, and he, while shuddering at your choice of clothing, would not try and persuade you it was warm. because it doesn't really matter.

we respond to our own understandings, and our feelings/emotions are fed by our thoughts, colouring our perception a little more. i.e if marko said he wasn't cold, you could think fkn arsehole, how dare he contradict me, and you would feel righteously indignant as a result. or, you could think - wow, we are so different, we hardly ever see things exactly the same way and then just finish buttoning your cardi.

in most conflicts, people respond to what they FEEL, and the problems seem to happen when either one or both parties doesn't know how to let the other person have their own perception without trying to persuade//cajole/batter them into having only one.

tertia, you ALWAYS call it how you see it . . . and you are superb at allowing other people to have their own opinions/feelings/viewpoints, even if you cannot fathom how they came by them (child bride). i don't know what the scenario is that you mention oh so discretely, but i imagine that you would have been responding to and honouring your own perceptions and feelings - and in doing so - EVEN IF MARKO DOES NOT AGREE - you would have been 'right' . . . but then, if he was responding according to his perceptions, SO WOULD HE. and, it DOESN'T MATTER that you don't see it the same way. no biggie . . . unless of course its a deal breaker, and then it might need open discussion with the other 2 million members of this illustrious jury-by-internet!

tell you what, once i figured this stuff out, it has been lovely walking around knowing i am always right - but only for me, and that i don't have to worry about whether anyone agrees with me or not. one less hassle in a too short gorgeous life. then i ended up teaching communication for 7 years in a university and polytech, so i could spread the word . . .

[Liz]

Well, you ARE married, so... I think you are already stuck with "life imprisonment" Lol! (But of course, You are right!

[Jigsaw]

But Ruth, the question in your scenario is, how do they decide what the kids should wear that day? Will the kidlets be caused to freeze in shorts, or sweat it out in baby ugs? (I'm ignoring the fact that they are now old enough to just say whether they are hot or cold, so please join me in this flight of fancy)

[ruth]

jigsaw, you know my mother don't you???? i am nearly 48, and she STILLLLLLL TELLLLS ME I AM COLD WHEN I AM NOT . . . aaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggggghhhhhhhhh . . . i have argued with her over this for years (quite a lot really), and nothing changes. NOW i just say 'thanks mum, i appreciate your concern', then wait until her back is turned and then bite my knuckles to suppress my screams of frustration.

you are right (hee hee, ironic huh?), this is still only a theory, albeit one that my husband and i live by, but it doesnt always work in practice unless BOTH parties know the rules - altho, you CAN do it alone if you are able to control flashes of hormonal rage when someone disagrees with you . . .

damn damn damn ...

[Isabel]

Hi Tertia,

Congrats on Nurture's mention in todays Rapport. I read the online version and was happy to see you guys being featured.

XOXOXOX

[Melanie Novitzkas]

It is his fault. We should post on each others blogs cos I also need to let off some steam, in fact I could set off enough to send a train half way around the frikk'n world!

[Rachel]

If it makes you feel any better, I gave you an award for being so fabulous and RIGHT on my blog!

[ruth]

THIS WAITING IS KILLLLING ME . . . hurry up stupid lab people, there are women all over the world unable to function straight until we know those results about our, i mean (oops) tertia's baby . . .

seriously, thinking about you all so much, and hoping it all turns out very well.

xxx

[Lara]

Long-time reader - occasional poster here with my empathy.

I have the same sitch over at my pad. He is NEVER, EVER wrong. Thusly - he has earned the nickname of "Teflon Man" from me. Nothing ever sticks to him. He will spin and spin and spin things until even I am questioning myself. His mother informs he has been this way most of his life - even as a child. We shake our heads in unison.

This being said - I love the man and since I doubt he will ever change, I begrudgingly accept this part of him. I see no other way around this.

Hang in there!!

Lara

[bec (and Charlotte)]

He's wrong.

They always are.

Waiting not so patiently for those results so wake up and get them.

[Paz]

All the best for tomorrow...thinking of you!

[ruth]

WHAT IS WRONG WITH THAT LAB THAT THEY CAN'T TELL YOU THE RESULTS ALREADY?

[Kim]

Maybe you could do a poll to find out how many people are in a relationship with a partner - who when an argument ensues has the 'utmost confidence that they really are always right'. It could be interesting.