I am not like some people who have the utmost confidence that they really are always right. (Marko!) I know I am not always right. I do make mistakes, I overreact, I get emotional about things, I speak without thinking etc. But honestly, sometimes I wonder whether it really is me or could it possibly be, just maybe, that the other person (Marko!) could be in the wrong.
Whenever something happens, I always wish that I could record it and play it back to a jury, an objective jury so that I can get their opinion on the matter. And when they pass their verdict, I will accept it graciously if I am wrong.
It's no use telling my mom, or my friends, because they are going to take my side. I need an objective jury who will say if it is me, or if it is him (Marko!)
You lot are a possibility, but unfortunately I can't always use you because (a) I think you might be slightly biased towards me, and (b) the other person (Marko!) will get upset with me for talking about it in public.
I think I should get an anonymous blog so that I can post (non) hypothetical situations and ask the jury to decide. Life imprisonment or death.
Fetal assessment centre just called, results will only be ready on Monday, blech. Guess those maternity clothes are going to have to stay in the packet for another few days. I feel my zen-like state evaporating as we speak.
Apparently it is Thanksgiving day today. Do you say Thanksgiving day, or just Thanksgiving? We don't celebrate Thanksgiving (must it be with a capital T?) here in Africa, we try to be thankful every day of the year, not just on one day.
hahahahhaaaaaaaa! Oh, I crack myself up.
We also don't have turkeys here, so we couldn't celebrate it anyway. Apparently you have to eat turkey on thanksgiving.
Anyway, I clearly have nothing important to say which is why I am talking shit to you lot who are probably not there anyway as you are all busy eating turkey and being thankful. (Bet the turkey population is not particularly thankful on a day like today!)
Bought maternity clothes today (jinxy) but have left them in the packet with all the labels on (less jinxy). Tried to find heartbeat with doppler, but all I heard was my bowel. V attractive. Hoping to get the results of the CVS tomorrow, keeping my bits crossed.
Anyway, happy thanksgiving to you, I hope you have a super day.
Oh, and a special happy day to Charlie who made his appearance four years ago, a few months early and amid much excitement and apprehension. Happy birthday my boy, sorry you've got an asshole for a mother, but take comfort in the fact that she is the best type of asshole money can buy.
Either
the scars run deep, or old habits die hard, but even now, even with this au
natural who-knew-sex-could-get-you-pregnant pregnancy, it is so hard to let go
of the jinx factor.
When you
are going through infertility, you have so little control over what happens –
very little control over how your body responds and no control over the final
result. You can try as hard as you can, and you still can’t influence the
result. It’s a huge mindfuck, especially for the A types who are used to
controlling their world, and who have always believed that effort = reward.
And so,
in order to try and wrestle some semblance of control, you (a) educate yourself
with as much info as you can and (b) look for ‘signs’ every where. Even if before you merrily walked under ladders and laughed
at black cats in your path, you suddenly become hyper vigilant for signs. A baby sticker on the window of the car in
front of you as you drive to the clinic – IT’S A SIGN!! A song playing on the radio that you danced
to as your first dance – IT’S A SIGN!! If you can’t find a sign, you make one up. Infertiles love signs.
The flip
side of looking for signs, is fearing the jinx factor. The jinx factor reigns large. We live in fear of the jinx factor. After so many IVFs, pregnancies and losses,
you would think that by now I would know that if something is going to go wrong,
it is going to go wrong (because of perfectly logical, explainable MEDICAL
factors), but no, I am still so fearful of the jinx factor.
Announcing
that you are pregnant is hugely jinxy. But somehow, if you announce it with the right ‘tone’ (not too confident
or boastful, instead full of gratitude edged with a bit of fear), it is less
jinxy. Working out your due date – very,
very jinxy. Acting 100% confident / blasé
/ naïve / boastful about being pregnant – very, very jinxy.
Yesterday
when I want for the CVS, I was comforting myself that it would be good because
it was at a new doctor, not the one that did the CVS for the last pregnancy
that turned out so bad, and that blah blah blah (looking for signs every where)
and when the new doctor walked in, I immediately recognized her (and her me)
from when I did the CVS with the quads – she was there that day assisting. I was completely stuck as to whether it was a
good sing or a jinx. Brain melted.
As you
know, we have a brilliant local online support site (Fertilicare) for local
infertiles. I hang around the infertile
boards giving people encouragement where I can, answering questions where I can
and occasionally I lurk on the pregnancy boards. So yesterday I thought I would join them
there, announcing my pregnancy and joining in the group. I opened up a new post, was about to start
typing my news and then I shut the window down. I just couldn’t. Far too jinxy.
I know
that my friends and family get, um, irritated is too strong a word, lets say ‘concerned’
that I am like this, that I am not 100% skippy happy, its not that I don’t want
to, its just that I can’t. It is far too
jinxy. I feel as if as long as I hold on
to a little bit of the respectful fear, I am somehow am protecting myself and
the pregnancy from the jinx.
As I
said, the scars run deep and old habits die hard.
PS I have a few good signs that comfort me that
just maybe this will end up ok, but I obviously can’t share them with you as
that would be way too jinxy ;-)
PPS I
really am ok, and even dare I say it, happy! This is just
my way of dealing with the fear. I am fearfully happy. Happily fearful. Actually just happy touched with a tiny, teeny bit of fear of the jinx.
PPPS Another really jinxy thing is to get all
cocky about picking baby names, but I’ve always picked my names early so I
might do the same. Am going to ask you
for help as this baby was practically conceived on this blog anyway. Don’t post your suggestions yet!!! Too jinxy. Only after Friday’s results. Then
we will have the name discussion. Put
your thinking caps on in the mean time.
Scan went
very well. As good as I could ask
for. We did the preliminary risk profile
and as I suspected, my odds were 1 in 50 based on my history and my age. After the scan and the good nuchal
measurement, my odds improved to 1 in 400. Not bad for an old duck with crap eggs.
All the
bits that were supposed to be there, were there – nasal bone, heart chambers,
kidneys, brain, skull bones etc. I did
the CVS, although it was a tough call to do it. I almost decided not to but after chatting to the doctor, I went ahead
and I am so glad I did. It wasn’t a pleasant
experience, it never is, but at least I will know for sure Results back hopefully on Friday, otherwise
Monday.
It was
the best kind of result I could have hoped for and I am incredibly grateful. I
am feeling quite optimistic and hopeful. Long may this feeling last!
Oh, and contrary
to every one’s expectation, including my own, we are having a boy! I am absolutely thrilled. I would have loved a girl, but deep down I
have to admit I am a boy mom. There are
no pink frilly bits in my house, Kate is practically a boy anyway and I am not
sure a girly girl would have made it in our boy house. Another boy! Wow. Marko makes lots of
boys! (This is our sixth boy!)
I am at
my mom’s place for the next 24 hours, taking it easy and resting.
I am very
very happy and very very grateful. Still
got to get through the next few days while we wait for the results, but so far,
so very good.
Oh, and I forgot to add, we have a due date - 30 May 2009.
It was my
40th birthday party last night, and it was a great success. It was just perfect for me, low key, fun and
informal. My father, brother and husband
did a sterling job of arranging everything. I will post some pics when I get hold of some. I exposed my rather large porky belly, so you
might see a bit of that. (by ‘exposed’ I
mean wear a fitted top)
Fun time
not withstanding, I must say it felt very weird to be pregnant and sober on my
40th. It was just not how I
imagined it would be. I thought I would
be fit, tanned, toned, slim, botoxed and rather merry. Not sober, pregnant and feeling very
frumpish. I felt weird. It also felt weird because I’ve been holding
back on celebrating this pregnancy until next week is over and last night I
couldn’t really hold back. Firstly, I
look so obviously pregnant and secondly, everyone knew and was asking me things
like “when is your due date?” (No idea, I’ve
been too scared to work it out in case, heaven forbid, something goes wrong and
then I will always have that date stuck in my mind).
Needless
to say, Tuesday is on my mind all the time. It’s a big, big thing, as I am sure you can well believe. I feel like I haven’t felt for a long time,
not since the big bad scary days of infertility. Scared, anxious and so so tempted to crawl
back into the cave. Things will never be
as bad as they were then, and I will be ok because no matter what happens
because I have my children, but this has reminded of so much of the past
pain.
So, I am
going to probably be quiet for the next few days. My appointment is at lunchtime on Tuesday. Best case scenario is that the nuchal
measurement comes back really great, there are no obvious markers for any
abnormalities. I will do the CVS just to
make 100% sure. I will go to my mom’s
place afterwards to rest for a while and I will get the CVS results back on
Friday. Worst case scenario is that
Tuesday’s scan shows some pretty serious signs of abnormalities and I leave
there in dread, waiting for the CVS results to come back. Either way, next week is a pretty big week.
I will update
as soon as I can on Tuesday to let you know what the initial NT scan says. Please keep LN7 in your thoughts and hope for
good results next week.
PS I ask
that although you might not agree with the decisions I am taking regarding the
CVS and the consequences thereof, you respect that it is my decision to make,
and that I am making a choice that is right for ME and for MY family. Thanks.
After a
particularly painful and humiliating experience last week involving a pair of
olive green cheap plastic shoes (what is with me and the olive green??) and
much pointing and derisive laughter by my so called ‘sister’* (“Oh.My.Word! Tertia, you have
outdone yourself, those are THE most revolting shoes I have ever seen in my life. Paul, come look here, aren't these THE most revolting shoes you've ever seen?!”), I have decided that
perhaps something does need to be done. I will grudgingly admit that perhaps the olive green cheap plastic shoes weren't the most attractive shoes ever. But is that a reason to to mock someone??
Apparently,
according to my so called ‘sister’, comfort and value for money doesn’t make
the best style guidelines and in fact, opens one up for soul destroying mockery
and derision.
So, I
will wait another FORTY years until I am PRACTICALLY DEAD before I can wear
cheap plastic shoes if I so wish. I will endeavour to find clothes that aren’t (a) olive, (b) plastic and (c) on sale. I will make a concerted effort to wear
clothes that match, that aren’t so “comfy” and are at least from the last
decade. I can’t promise to wear make up,
but I will think about doing something with my hair and perhaps even wear
earrings. Maybe. I will also do my best not to wear my pajamas
to the shops.
Unfortunately,
I am unable to do any of this now as I am larger than a double story house and
right now, comfort triumphs over form any day. But I will make an effort next year.
I have to
say that I do not do this with much enthusiasm or excitement, but rather as a
way to appease my fickle and shallow sister and to prevent further scathing
attacks on my physical appearance.
Anyway,
thanks to my so called ‘sister’, that is my early New Year’s resolution. I am sure I will stick to it as well as I did
last year’s resolution which was to exercise more, which if I can recall, lasted
at least until mid Jan.
*I am sure there is something in the Bible that says "Thou shalt not mock your sister" or something like that. Genesis 3.2, clause 2, sub section (iv). You see! These Lordy folk just bend the rules when it suits them.
Because I
am an anal little nerd, and because I’ve been around the block a few times, I
decided to type up a little info sheet for the technician in preparation for
next week’s (eek!) big NT scan and CVS:
PG History
Dx PCOS, Endo, 10 IVFs, 3 IUIs, 7 pregnancies, two known
trisomies, two suspected trisomies, two lives births (including one set of
twins), one neonatal death, one set surviving twins
2002 – ectopic pregnancy
2002 – Early vanishing twin, remaining embryo MC 8w3d – Trisomy 21
2003 – quad pregnancy. 12w
scan showed following risk factors:
Baby A – 1 in 2 –
S/R
Baby B – 1 in 15
– CVS – normal male – still born @ 21w
Baby C – 1 in 25
– CVS – normal male –born prem @ 26w, died 10 days later
Baby D – 1 in 200
– suspected heart defect, S/R
2004 – twin pregnancy – low risk on nuchal scan, so no CVS. 16w scan showed potential marker (hole in heart),
did amnio – normal b / g twins, live birth
2005 – 2006 – contraception - Mirena
2007 – spontaneous conception – MC 6/7w – Trisomy 13
2008 – spontaneous conception – MC <6W ??
2008 – spontaneous conception – current pregnancy
As you
will see by my list, my record is not exactly stellar when it comes to
chromosomally ‘normal’ pregnancies. And those were all pregnancies in my mid
thirties. Seeing as I am Very Old now, I
am pretty sure I am going to hit the 1 in under a hundred odds even before I
lie on that exam bed.
I am very
nervous for the CVS, the last one I had was not nice. I found it very painful
and quite traumatic. And I know how
agonizing the wait is going to be afterwards. In fact, I am absolutely dreading
next week. And yes, I know the risks of
CVS, having done both CVS and amnio in the past. But it is a risk I am prepared to take
because unfortunately, unlike so many of you have indicated you are, I don’t
think I am special enough for a special needs child.
I need my
LBC today (1pm). As the nausea abates,
the paranoia increases. And of course it
doesn’t help that I got the Doppler this weekend and couldn’t find the
heartbeat. Didn’t know where to look, so
tried for five minutes, got too anxious and gave up. Lovely. Fun fun fun.
I just
want next week over with. I feel as if I have been holding my breath since I
found out I am pregnant, and I can’t wait to exhale.
Update: LBC = all well. Phew. My lovely gynae who I love, helped me find the hb with the doppler, you were right, I was WAY off course - I was buggering around close to my belly button when I should have been poking around near my pubic bone. No wonder it took us so long to conceive, we've clearly been poking around in the wrong area all this time.
You know,
for all my husband's many and varied bad points, he does have a few good points.
One which I may not mention on this blog, and the other is that he is very very
good at DIY. He has tool skills which
will make other men green with envy. (which,
if I was being rude, I might say may or may not be related to the first point,
heh heh)
Not sure
if I told you, but last weekend I decided the kids needed to have bunnies, so I
told Kate to ask her father for a bunny. Now, Marko is a soft touch when it comes to his precocious
precious daughter so before you could say 'but who will feed and take care of
the bunnies', he had whipped out his drawing kit, designed an entire first
class bunny hutch, bought the material and created a masterpiece.
Two days
and 200 hundred blisters later, just as he had finished the masterpiece; his
darling wife decided that the bunnies needed a place to play in the garden. Unfortunately for all involved, we have a
rather large dog who is rather fond of bunnies, which meant that Scary (yes,
Kate called her bunny Scary, why are we not surprised) and Snowy would have to
have their own special cordoned off section of the garden.
Next
weekend, its back to the hardware store Marko goes (by now our R60 bunnies have
cost us R2500 for the hutch and the enclosure) and slaves all weekend mixing
concrete, building a fence, enclosing the area, installing special mesh so that the
drooling Bruno can't have bunny for lunch.
This
evening, as he gets home from work, he strides past the pristine, hardly used
kitchen and into the study. He thrusts
his hands in front of me and says 'can you see anything different about my
hands'? I see a few blisters and I
mention so, making the right sympathetic noises, but no, he says, not the
blisters, my hands are YELLOW! Can't you
see they are yellow? Hmm, they do look a
little on the yellow / orange side....
It's all
my fault! he says. Apparently after
working his fingers to the bone on Saturday, he went into my cupboard (mistake!)
and grabbed some of my 'hand cream' to help with the pain. And did so again on
Sunday. It was only after jaundice and / or gangrene of the hand threatened that he read the label on my
'hand cream' carefully - FAKE TAN! Hahahahaha! He had put fake tan all over his hands, no
wonder they are yellow. Funny chap. That will teach Ole Yellow Hand about scratching
around in my cupboards!
PS I
wanted to post pics of Scary and Snowy, but they came out really fuzzy. It
could be due to the fact that greasy fingers have been poking around with my
camera, but I dont have conclusive proof. What I really should have done is take pics of Ole Yellow Hand, hahahaha! Oh, I am enjoying that story.
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