Birthdays and Scary Days

It was my 40^th birthday party last night, and it was a great success. It was just perfect for me, low key, fun and informal. My father, brother and husband did a sterling job of arranging everything. I will post some pics when I get hold of some. I exposed my rather large porky belly, so you might see a bit of that. (by ‘exposed’ I mean wear a fitted top)

 

Fun time not withstanding, I must say it felt very weird to be pregnant and sober on my 40^th. It was just not how I imagined it would be. I thought I would be fit, tanned, toned, slim, botoxed and rather merry. Not sober, pregnant and feeling very frumpish. I felt weird. It also felt weird because I’ve been holding back on celebrating this pregnancy until next week is over and last night I couldn’t really hold back. Firstly, I look so obviously pregnant and secondly, everyone knew and was asking me things like “when is your due date?” (No idea, I’ve been too scared to work it out in case, heaven forbid, something goes wrong and then I will always have that date stuck in my mind).

 

Needless to say, Tuesday is on my mind all the time. It’s a big, big thing, as I am sure you can well believe. I feel like I haven’t felt for a long time, not since the big bad scary days of infertility. Scared, anxious and so so tempted to crawl back into the cave. Things will never be as bad as they were then, and I will be ok because no matter what happens because I have my children, but this has reminded of so much of the past pain. 

 

So, I am going to probably be quiet for the next few days. My appointment is at lunchtime on Tuesday. Best case scenario is that the nuchal measurement comes back really great, there are no obvious markers for any abnormalities. I will do the CVS just to make 100% sure. I will go to my mom’s place afterwards to rest for a while and I will get the CVS results back on Friday. Worst case scenario is that Tuesday’s scan shows some pretty serious signs of abnormalities and I leave there in dread, waiting for the CVS results to come back. Either way, next week is a pretty big week.

 

I will update as soon as I can on Tuesday to let you know what the initial NT scan says. Please keep LN7 in your thoughts and hope for good results next week.

 

PS I ask that although you might not agree with the decisions I am taking regarding the CVS and the consequences thereof, you respect that it is my decision to make, and that I am making a choice that is right for ME and for MY family. Thanks.

Comments

[Robin from Israel]

Thinking of you and sending many good thoughts your way. And happy birthday wishes. Lots of 'em.

[serina]

Happy Birthday, Tertia! I'm sending out as many positive vibes as possible.
I hope all goes well, I will be thinking of you. XXX

[Lila]

In Israel, we are up and have a normal work day... so here is another Israeli wishing you all the best for your birthday and every single day in your future. I'll be thinking of you so much on Thursday! Much luck and happiness to you and your beautiful family.

(I'm sure you don't look frumpy.)

[Veronica]

Happy Birthday!

And everything is crossed here for a lovely looking scan and great results.

[Hanlie]

Happy 40th birthday, Tertia! I wish you all the best for the new decade of your life.

As for this week, you will be in my thoughts. I am trusting with you that all will be well and that you and LN7 will sail through this pregnancy.

[antoinette]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU TERTIA xxxxx
I will also be thinking of you this week with extra love for LN7.
Thankyou for sharing such precious times with us YOU ARE JUST AMAZING!!!

love Antoinette (from down under)

[Lindsay]

Happy Birthday, T! All the best for the week that lies ahead- you only deserve the best - you are very special. Sending lots of love and happy thoughts.

[JennaB]

Happy birthday and many more. Glad you enjoyed your party.
good luck for tuesday. Thinking only happy thoughts.
xxx

[Wobs]

You're in my thoughts and prayers - having a glass of chardonnay in the hope that Wedesnday will be a double celebration for you and Marko!

[Terrie from Oz]

I think you're fabulous (and not in the least frumpy). 40 looks very good on you.

Am keeping everything crossed that Tuesday's results reveal nothing abnormal xx

[Melissia]

Happy Birthday girl. Am keeping you in my thoughts and know that you have my support during this time, as you do so many of your readers. We care about you and know that you are a thoughtful person and caring person, it comes through in your writing and in your love of all things colored olive and tan!

[blackbird]

You will be on my mind.

Oh, and, Happy Birthday dear.

[Alexa]

Happy birthday! And of course I will be thinking my fiercest good thoughts for you and LN7.

[melinus]

Just wanted to share some positive numbers-related mojo.

My miracle son was conceived on 07/07/07 (ivf, so yah, we know) after years of trying, treatments, loss, etc. Seven was definitely our lucky number!

I am hoping the best for you and yours.

[Bridgette]

Happy Birthday!

Nothing but positive thoughts and wishes for you and LN7. I know how long this wait is going to be for me, so I don't even want to think about how it feels for you. You will be on my mind all week. Please take care of you.

[Amy]

Welcome to the 40 club and we'll be sending good thoughts across the ocean for you next week.

[Sarah]

Happy Birthday!!! I will be thinking happy thoughts for you and belly babe over the next few days....no let's make that weeks. I really do hope everything goes beautifully and you are given the peace of mind you SO deserve.

[kerry]

Happy Birthday Tertia. You, LN7 and your family are in my prayers....

[L.]

Life begins at forty. Really.

No one under 40 cn be expected to understand this!

(Good luck with it all, thinking of you...)

[anothe karen]

happy birthday!!!

and best of luck next week. i've been where you are (and have had it turn out both ways on different occasions - one good, one bad). no question in my mind: the waiting and the not knowing is the hardest part. wishing you nothing but easy days and wonderful answers in the coming week.

karen

[JuliaKB]

Happy Birthday!
The scary place is where I spent most of the last pg. It is what it is. Keeping things crossed for you and LNS on Tuesday, Friday, and on from there.

[emme bea]

Sending the very best of wishes for your 40th and the healthiest vibes towards LN7.

Keeping you in my thoughts this week, hoping for the best of outcomes.

[Jana]

Happy Birthday, Tertia. Sending postive vibes to you and LN7. And hell yes, it's all about what's best for you and your family.

[Lisa]

Happy Birthday! Keeping everything crossed for Tuesday.
Hang in there you are doing so great Tertia!

[Stefanie]

Happy Birthday, T!!

My birthday is Tuesday. And for my birthday wish, I'm wishing (and praying) that all goes perfectly for you and LB7!

[Lisa]

Sending hopeful thoughts your way -- and HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

It's funny, because I just turned 30 this year, but I have several women in my life who are exactly 10 years older than me and who I really relate to -- you are one of them, if only by proxy of the internet. You're awesome, and I'm crossing every finger and toe that things work out perfectly with LN7!

[Jennifer]

Happy Birthday! I hope all goes well on Tuesday. Whatever happens, I support any decisions you have to make. In the end, you are the only one that knows what's best for you and your family.

[birdie]

Sending good thoughts your way...for ALL of you, LN7 included.

[nicole]

You are so in my thoughts!! I am really looking forward to GREAT news from you on Tuesday!!!!

[Emily in Portland]

Tertia, happy birthday ! I hope you have a fabulous time.

My 11.5 week NT scan this past week revealed dead baby. After d&c the doctor is saying trisomy 18.

you do whatever you need to do to assure yourself that your baby is free of genetic defect. we will all be waiting with bated breath for your good news.

[Jen]

Keeping you in my thoughts and wishing you all the best. Glad you had a nice birthday - despite the lack of alcohol ;)

[Jeanette]

Happy Birthday Tertia, and I hope it goes well.
I would have the CVS if I were in your shoes too.

[Lesley Watt]

Good to hear your birthday went well and I'm rooting for LN7. Hope it all goes okay on Tuesday.

[ruth]

tertia, it does take a hell of a lot of adjustment being an 'old' mum when you hadn't planned it - when you imagined yourself to be a well-groomed svelte professional person with a waist (oy vey, my WAIST!) - and instead you end up pregnant; i spent my 46th birthday 6 months pregnant, my belly sitting on my knees, sipping my one glass of wine at the restaurant and trying to stay awake past 9pm, while people around me (women with WAISTS, BITCHES!!!) looked the way i thought i would look at 46. everyone said i was glowing, and that my skin looked lovely and yaddy yah . . . i just wanted to go home and put on my olive green sweats and plastic shoes (not really, i just wanted my lion print pyjamas and my slippers).

i spent my 47th birthday with my delicious 9 month old daughter and my husband, and some dearly loved friends in belgium . . . . and loved it. still not much of a waist, and breasts the size of melons, so it was all about comfortable clothes, and mummy undies. but oh the joy of being able to smell and kiss and cuddle my girl.

now as i head for 48, and amelia is nearly 15 months, i have a goal as to grooming and weight etc for my 48th birthday. she is part of it, going to the creche at the gym while i work out, and then we go for coffee and babychinos at the cafe across the road with her friend sophie and her mum. it is magic.

the first 3 months of the pregnancy i held my breath, as i bled a lot, and didn't want to allow myself to feel her in case i lost her. but in the end i couldn't suppress my hope and happiness. and she survived; she gave me back hope i thought i had lost.

no, my later 40's didn't go to plan, but i would not go back to the original plans - ever. amelia changed my life forever, as have each of my babies, the ones who survived, and the ones whom i miss every day. but i would not want a life without the hope each one of those children brought with them. i live in fear of what might be, but refuse to let it shape my life, or theirs.

i don't know what this week will bring for you, but i do know that you will make any decision needed with your usual grace, and humour, and humanity. i hope it is not a tough decision, you have had enough of those already. but if you do decide to terminate the pregnancy, i trust you implicitly that is it the right thing for you, your kids, and of course marko. i offer you my honour and support whatever the outcome. you know what you are capable of, and you know your own limits.

whatever eventuates, i am so glad you are celebrating this pregnancy, and allowing yourself to feel the hope and promise it brings. we can't control our kids future, either before or after they are born, but we can permit ourselves to love them with every fibre of our being regardless. if all they know in their short existence is that they were loved and wanted, and cherished, then they have known something that many people never experience in a whole long lifetime.

this baby brings so much hope with her (i have only had girls so don't really believe it is possible to have boys - even tho they do exist), like a star guiding a lost traveller home. she offers us something upon which to hang our dreams, and we are willing her to make it through, even if she miraculously changes sex at birth and comes out a boy.

i will, along with others, be checking your blog every day, more than once (sometimes more than that but there is no way i am admitting to an actual number!), and willing that things turn out ok.

happy birthday wonderful momma lady, your kids - all of them (and you are racking that number up pretty impressively let me tell you) - are lucky to have you; as are we.

xxx

[Chickenpig]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!!!!

I'll have everything crossed for you. I can't believe you don't know your due date. I always know, no matter how stupid and painful it is. I guess that turning 40 makes you wise AND wonderful :)

[Paz]

Happy BIrthday! I am glad that you 'celebrated' it sober and pregnant – sounds perfect to me! Good luck this week...hopin' for the best for you.

[Jb]

I've had CVS three times. Its no fun no matter what.

Good news at the ancient age of 42 and 39. Not as good at 37. Perhaps some of us are more like wine and our ovaries actually age well?

hang in there!

[Peggyp]

Happy Birthday!! Fingers crossed for Tuesday. Sending good thoughts for all of you for Tuesday

[Tine]

Only good wishes from me to you. XOXOXO

Happy birthday! And BTW, how dare you be younger than me?! All these years, until a couple of months ago, I thought you were older by a little bit. Damn.

Not only are you younger, you're far less frumpy. :)

[Diane]

Oh Tertia,

Happy 40th! It really does get better from here on in!

I will be thinking of you often on Tuesday and sending you my very best thoughts and wishes.

Whatever happens, there are many of us who will give you our unqualified love and support.

[tess]

should we be suspicious that you didn't tell us what COLOUR the fitted top was?

promise us it wasn't olive green.

[snick]

Happy birthday!

Keeping you very close in my thoughts this week. You're a rock star.

[L.]

I will be wishing you stellar results!

[Lisa S.]

Happy birthday and good luck, Tertia!!! I am right behind you in testing - I have amnio sched for next Mon. So will be eagerly following along and hoping to hear back your good results while I am preparing for mine.

Go LN7 - may you be healthy and perfect.

[Amy]

Happy Belated B-Day Tertia! You've hit the big 40. Welcome to the 'other side' ;) It is a great side.

All the best this coming week and know whatever happens we will always love and support you. Myself I am hoping for news of a healthy bouncing baby in the future!

[Billie]

Happy 40th Tertia! Thinking of you...
Billie

[Sarah]

Happy Birthday! I will be holding you, Marko and LN7 in my thoughts.

[MarkGL]

/me в задумчивости

[Julia]

Happy Birthday! I'm thinking about you.

[Purple_Kangaroo]

Happy birthday; congratulations!

[Ellen]

Think happy thought, Tertia! The power of positive thinking has amazing results. Know that you have my support and regard, unconditionally.

[Annalien]

Congratulations on your 40th birthday. Wishing you all the best for the tests this week. I believe that all will be well with LN7. I hope that the week passes quickly for you.

[Deblet]

Happy Birthday welcome to FABULOUS 40s.Had my last one at 40 7 what a treasure she is.All Best for Tuesday positive all will be absolutely perfect, this is after all LB7!!Hope it is a great and joyful week of surprises

[Bianca W]

Exactly what Ruth said.

[Coral]

Happy birthday! 40 is really cool! And it just gets better from there on!

Are you thinking of names? Ellen Seven is a lovely name! ;-p

You are due late May 2009.

[LEILAH]

Happy birthday, Tertia!!

And may this week be a good one for you. I hope all will be well with LN7 and with you.

[V]

Happy birthday! Welcome to the forties...

Good luck for tomorrow. Will be thinking of you.

[Slim]

Fingers crossed for you, and no judgment on anything, even your fashion choices.

[Rachel]

happy birthday and best of luck! i am having a test done tomorrow (tuesday) morning for some GI problems i have been having and am a nervous wreck. so i will be thinking of you and please think of me, too!

[jfoo]

You are fabulous.

I am sending a hug (not that I would ever touch you...hee) and some really powerful positive thoughts for this week.

[Rachel]

Happy Birthday Tertia! Good luck LN7!

[Sharon]

Wishing you all the best with your tests Tertia! I have faith that things will be great!

[stacey]

Hi Tertia,

I wanted to wish you well on Tuesday with your CVS. I've had 2 CVS procedures and dreaded having the procedure the second time around, but it was much easier physically (and mentally) than I expected. You are an incredibly brave person to share this experience with the internet. Thank you.

Stacey

[Laura]

Happy 40th, my darling girl!

Praying for peace for you this week, and praying that all will be well.

Love, Laura

[Cassey]

happy birthday and all good vibes and thoughts
:)

[Val]

Happy 40th Birthday! Hopefully, you will be too tired to celebrate the big 41 next year - you know - taking care of a itty bitty babe. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers for tomorrow and the rest of the week.

[Carrie Jo]

Lots of luck, prayers, and good vibes sent your way for tomorrow's scan.

[Adel]

HAPPY B- DAY AND GOOD LUCK FOR TUESDAY!

[Renee]

will be thinking of you tomorrow ;-) xxx and i promise i will not forget the kids suckers :-))
love ren xxxxx

[renee]

...i also promise to not forget to pick up all 3 kids ;-)

[jeannie]

Happy Birthday! The waiting will be over soon, and then you can try and enjoy this pregnancy. It is hard, I know.

I was also pregnant on my 40th birthday, with my twins, after my 5th IVF. I had had my CVS the day before and didn't yet know the results, but we had lost one identical twin at 9 weeks (I was originally pregnant with triplets, a pair of identical twins and a singleton) so had cause for concern. Before I got pregnant, we had planned to be in Italy on my 40th, staying at a very posh 5 star hotel. Instead, we were driving a few states away to Newport, Rhode Island for a long weekend, with our 2-year old son. We planned to have dinner at our rather nice hotel when we arrived, but my morning sickness was so terrible that we had to stop on the road for dinner or I'd be sick. The only choice was a Denny's. I doubt you have Denny's in South Africa, but I'll tell you, Denny's is not 5 star. It is a cheap, grungy chain restaurant with plastic booths and big menus, and greasy salty food. The lowest of the low. My husband got me a piece of cake in our hotel that night that I couldn't eat because I was so sick. I spent the entire long weekend in the hotel bed moaning with nausea and mind-numbing worry. I was not happy then that I was having twins, and felt guilty for how miserable I felt.

But it all turned out perfectly. My beautiful daughters turn 5 next month, and I really have been able to put all the pain of infertility, and their very difficult pregnancy behind me. And you know what? I love telling people I ate my 40th birthday dinner at a Denny's located on a highway. It was so much more memorable than going to some fancy restaurant or having a big party.

I feel really good about how this is going to go for you. I'll keep my fingers crossed, and wait anxiously for good news.

[Anna]

Very best wishes!

[Jill]

Thinking of you, and raising a glass of wine in the hopes that you will feel its effects all the way around the world. Have a good day tomorrow. -Jill

[ruth]

just checkin' is all . . . thinking of you often, and wishing soooooo hard . . .

xxx

[Bianca W]

Me too. Just checking in......hoping that you are okay.......

[Queenie]

Happy Belated Birthday!

Thank you for posting about CVS and your desire for testing. I hope it's going okay for you, and am crossing my fingers that the news is good. I really, really appreciate your honesty, and your willingness to talk about this. I think the testing is important, I totally want to have it, and I wish others didn't judge. You gotta do what's right for you.

[Heather]

Happy birthday, Tertia!!!

[Janet]

Happy B-Day, Tertia! And, to echo the sentiment, take it from a fifty-something: Life truly does begin at 40. Best wishes to you, you remain in my thoughts. Here's hoping for the best of all possible outcomes.