Would we have believed it if they had told us?

I have just read the sweetest thing, I am sitting here with a big smile on my face.  As you might know, I also blog at Parent24.  It is a small but growing blog community and one of the sweet ladies on the list is pregnant with her first child.  She wrote a post yesterday about what she plans to do with her maternity leave:

"Despite what my sisters have told me about having a child and the implications that it will have on my personal time, I envisage my four months of maternity leave as just that - a time to turn over a new leaf.

.....as much as I am looking forward to nurturing my newborn baby, I am also looking forward to the the downtime "in between her naps" where I plan to do the following:

- Complete my degree
- Master the keyboard (I have purchased a self-teach book in preparation)
- Learn how to play guitar
- Start a herb Garden
- Take up art lessons and do some painting
- Tan and start a home gymming program to restore my body to it's former shape
- Paint my toenails and wax biweekly
- Writing ( I will excite my blog fanbase of 2 people, with an exciting new blog daily)
- Start a photography portfolio "

The poor, poor woman.  I am not sure whether to laugh or cry for her. 

I remember when my kids were born, no matter how many books I had read, nothing had prepared me for the total onslaught of newborns.  I turned to all my friends and said "why didn't you tell me it was going to be like this" and they replied, "would you have believed us if we did tell you?"

And I suppose not.  How do you prepare someone for those first few weeks?  How can you adequately describe what it is like?  Four years down the line, and I am only now recovering from it.

I lay in bed last night and allowed myself to think about the possibility that this pregnancy could actually result in a real, live baby and I shuddered to myself as I recalled the first few weeks and months of when Kate and Adam were little. I know it is easier the second time, and certainly one baby has to be easier than two, but still.....shudder. 

How do you even begin to describe what it is like, or do we let the poor dears find out for themselves.  Would they believe us if we told them anyway?

Comments

[Alana]

I honestly don't think it would matter even if you DID tell them. Every woman has a belief that "it was like that for YOU but it will be different for ME..." I thinks it's just one of those things where you just smile and nod and let them get there and see for themselves.

[Lila]

I had a good chuckle about this one. With a program like that, she should have time left to finish off Einstein's relativity theory and date some ancient relics that have puzzled historians ;-)

My best friend had her first baby three months ago and complained bitterly to me: this is a conspiration of silence! Nobody told me it would be like that! Why didn't you tell me?

Well, actually I told her... about half a year ago... but when I did, she just patted her belly and gave me a complacent smile. I won't remind her of that episode, though, she is really nice and if her nerves are a bit frayed around the edges, I know why...

On a serious note. I finished my degree with my fourth baby in a sling. The three older ones still needed me a lot. I worked once a week and studied three days a week. I had my baby with me at all times (I'm lucky that in my profession, it was no problem). It was very hard. I could do it with my fourth because I felt self confident and I had so much routine in all matters baby. But with my first? Forget it, I couldn't tell day from night. The realization that you can't get off this merry-go-round any more is enough to wreck your nerves for the first months.

I found it gets better with each one because you learn to use your time more efficiently. But me-time? No way. My youngest is nine by, my eldest 18, and I have it back. A bit of it. But until two years ago? Forget it.

[tess]

bless her heart.

i get calls from women expecting triplets and i go over to their homes with my old charts, schedules and diaries and i try to explain to them what their life is going to be life. i suggest outings, or ways that they can sustain friendships (have people over), and stay sane (walk for an hour a day while the babies are sleeping, get a friend, sitter, husband to look after them). most of the time, they listen. some times they argue about how it will be different for them. and what can you say? they have to find out themselves.

you are right on both counts - one is easier than two, and you know what to expect now that k&a have paved the way. doesn't mean it's easy. doesn't mean it's not wonderful.
praying.
xo

[Lesley]

My experience was the reverse. Here in Canada, we get a full year of mat leave. With my first, I had everyone asking me what I planned to do with it! Um, take care of a baby? But no, everyone thought I should have plenty of time for other stuff. I guess it's because all the people asking either never had kids or only got 6 months of mat leave, so they figured with a year I would probably get some free time.

I had some friends who did end up having very easy babies and they did have time for hobbies etc. Me? I had a colicky, high-need (in the AP sense) baby who demanded every waking and non-waking moment of my time. Even the second time around, when I had a more average baby, it was no better because I had a blood clot and treatment consumed a lot of the first 6 months after she was born.

[Fi]

I always say it's a good thing I had my easy-going son first. Yes, he did allow me to have some time to do stuff because his idea of Being A Baby was to breastfeed to the point where he'd literally drop off my boob like an overfed tick and then fall asleep.

So I thought having babies was pretty easy to do, until my daughter came along. Oy vey. She forced me into AP and would howl like a banshee if left alone. She became legend at daycare for being the newbie-infant who didn't stop shrieking for two weeks after I started her there, having to go back to work after three months.

If I'd had her first I would never have contemplated another.....

[Geohde]

Egads.

I'm probably going to be virtually punched for this...

But I haven't found it too bad with my twins. Certainly less bad than I expected.

Yes, I was bloody tired and sobbing at 2am feeds in those early weeks, but I slept in, and managed. I'm back to part time work, I started a second blog and am buying a house. Oh, and my babies are now a whole 13 weeks old :)

Mind you, it could all go south once they're mobile, right?

J

[Katherine]

our first month was a bit horrific, due to some feeding problems. Once they were resolved he turned into sweetest best baby of the year, who simply ate like a champion and slept all day long. what joy. Then it all went south at 4 months when he started napping for only half an hour at a time, screaming his head off like a banshee devil when I fed him (because bottles were so much more fun than boobs), and because he wasn't eating during the day, he started waking up more at night. So I reckon month two and three are brilliant - you can do whatever you like while baba naps. Month 4 so far - quite killer!

[Wobs]

I always have a giggle to myself when I see a new first time Mom (after the first couple of weeks) - looking wide eyed and slightly deranged. Luckily I bottle feed so hubby had a good dose of those early morning feed, burp, nappy change....

Naahh! They wouldn't believe you.... Smile and wave gals, just smile and wave (lol).

[Lizelle]

I'm with Alana ... "smile and nod", she probably won't believe you in any case!

[A]

The poor, poor woman. She has no idea what's about to hit her...

[Beret]

No one ever spoke to me about the sleep deprivation (the absolute hardest part of new-motherhood to me) but how do you adequately describe the feeling? You can't. I remember reading about your nights with the twins, it was chilling, but I was already a mother at that point.

It is easier the second time, mostly because you can understand there's a light at the end of the tunnel and that it all goes by so fast. The birth of my firsborn leveled me to the ground. It was awful. The second time around with my son I was able to "chill", enjoy his babyhood, ask for help, and I had a bag of tricks to get through those first months.

Until you have a baby you just can't possibly understand what it does to your life and how hard it can be. There's no point in trying to warn someone.

[Sad]

Tertia, not just to you, but to some of your commenters, just remember you were also a first time expectant Mum once, so be careful of sounding condescending!

[gkk]

I was at a kid's birthday party on the weeked and was listening to a woman I had not met before discussing her "birth plan". Keep in mind she was approx 8 weeks pg! Basically she was looking forward to an empowering experience, planned on finding labour exhilirating and was going to cope with the "pressure" of contractions with music. All I could say was "first child?".

I think a more realistic set of goals for your friend might be:
Shower.

And even then if she meets that goal one day out of three she will be doing well.

As for you, I think you will be pleasantly suprised. Number 3 is waaayyyyy easier than 1 or 2 (or 1+2!).

[Robin from Israel]

Oh, the plans I had before my first child was born...

I'd tell you, but I'm laughing too hard to type.

[Kristin]

Even if you do tell her, she won't believe it. After all, her precious little one will be perfect and she'll bounce right back.

Bwahahahahahahahahahahahaha

[cat]

Poor, poor seriously misguided girl! But I can assure you that one is certainly easier than 2 - I had my singleton first and then my twins and even that way round it was easier.

[Tertia]

'Sad', I dont think any of us feel condescending towards her, instead we feel protective of her and are remembering back with nostalgia how we were when we were like her. We aren't laughing at her, we are laughing at ourselves before we had kids.

[kirstyphysio]

What do you mean?? Of course it's like that...
Baby watches Baby Einstein DVD for 2 solid hours, totally engrossed, whilst mom tones her already back to shape body with the latest ashtanga yoga moves!
In the kitchen, you can hear the gentle whir of the liquidiser whilst it blends your nutritious wheat shoot smoothie - and baby is already feeding himself with a bottle at 6 weeks...
Piece of cake... note that labrador puppies and cute kittens should be added when reading this, and imagine that this is written in prfect handwriting on handmade paper with butterflies...

[Diana (Sweden)]

I listened to my friends and they were right, 5 minutes on my own in the shower was LUXURY the first weeks. After a few months I was surprised that I at least had the time to read lots of books while my daughter was asleep...

[Aurelia]

My first just about killed me, but this baby really is wonderful, so whenever I meet first time moms I do hold out a little hope that it won't be too bad.

I think the problem is that with low birthrates, small families, and TV portrayals, we have forgotten how hard it really is to care for a baby. And those high expectations lead to crushing disappointments. Which then leads to PPD. So maybe we should try to tell moms what it's like.

And Geohde, I think you are have an easier time because you are used to sleep deprivation due to your work training. Nothing like 24 hour round the clock shifts to train you for twins!

[Kimberly]

Has that woman NEVER read a mommy blog?

[Rachel]

Oh dear. I don't have any kids but I know that this is an unrealistic expectation, having been around newborns. I would think showering and eating something once in awhile would be good goals. Painting toenails and waxing biweekly? I don't have time to do that now, and I don't even have kids!

[Rae]

LMAO!!! Lets not waste our time telling her the real truth. But i think we should check in oh about 4 weeks after the baby is born and see how she is coming along on her 'goals'

[Dani]

I snorted reading that. Loudly.

[Summer]

That expectant mom's post has to be a joke. It has to be sarcastic. If I hadn't already thought it was in jest, I would have known it by the time I got to the line about waxing, because even a woman who is deluded about how exhausting a newborn can be surely is aware of how babies come out! Waxing after delivering a baby... the thought is so horrifying, it must be a joke.

Joke or not, she will take a lot of photos. They'll just all be of her baby.

[Jennifer]

I don't care how much work it is, or how blind I might be for thinking I can do other things after my first child is here. I just can't wait to have a baby to hold, change, feed, and love. Nothing else matters.

[chickenpig]

I have to tell you, Tertia, it is absolutely, positively, better with just one. My sweet little girl has been sleeping through the night practically since she came home from the hospital. She eats, she naps, she coos and giggles then she's out for the night. She will be 13 weeks tomorrow and she is growing up too fast. I don't think I was conscious with the twins until after they turned 4 months old. My boys wake HER up in the morning. Right now she is happily playing in her bouncy seat while my twins are shrieking blue murder over a handful of blocks. If I only had her I would be able to do about half of what is on that lady's list. She isn't just a good baby, she is a GREAT baby...and after having two babies at the same time, one who was a colicky, refluxy, pain in the ass I deserve her :)She really makes me wonder what parents of singletons have to complain about.

I wish with all my heart that you not only have a live baby, but a sweetheart like mine. As for getting waxed and all that...perfectly possible if you have a husband who takes all three of your little ones once a week for as long as you like (or can stay away from the sweet pea that is your gorgeous new baby ;) Can't say enough about the wonders of good husbands. Of course with the twins being newborns I couldn't leave...

[Jane]

My approach was to expect to not get ANYTHING done for at least 3 months; dressing, brushing teeth and eating would be optional too, and that way I was pleasantly surprised that I did survive and it wasn't even THAT bad :) But yeah with that list... I think she is bound to 'fail'.

[Bottonz]

BWAHAHAHAHAHAH good luck to her then !

As if that is possible.....

[Netta]

Delurking to say:
No matter how many books you read up on before the birth of your first baby (or babies), you just can't know how it will be for YOU. Same with the actual birth. And a lot does depend on variables like the type of baby you have (temperament, for example), the type of birth you had, your support system, how much maternity leave you get, etc.
I read and re-read books and blogs to prepare for the worst, and in the end my baby (now 8 months) was a good sleeper, a good eater, placid and sweet. I got time to have daily baths or showers (OK, sometimes not till 4pm, but still), and even ate hot meals (thanks to my DH!). I would actually say that the first couple of months were the easiest in a way, as baby slept most of the time and I could just carry her around with me and breastfeed her anywhere. As for the sleep thing, I would hear her eyelids pop open every three hours and before she could make a sound I would plug her in. But the growth spurts were the toughest parts, as she was feeding around the clock, and then I got a taste of what a "difficult" baby might be like.
Anyway, I wouldn't even give my own advice to an expectant mother, as I am aware that MY experience is only that - mine. And I also had grand plans for when I had a baby. I think it's understandable. I know I couldn't imagine what new mothers DO all day, as newborns seem to sleep all the time. It's just so impossible to envisage beforehand.

[Amy]

Oh jeez. Women like that (like me) are the ones who get kids who never, ever sleep (like my oldest daughter).

The second one is SO MUCH EASIER because you KNOW in a way that you didn't before that they're going to grow out of all that newborn garbage. And you know what you're doing. After twins, a single baby will be a piece of cake.

I'm excited that you're starting to think in terms of actually ending up with a baby at the end of all this!!

Amy @ http://prettybabies.blogspot.com

[laurie]

My first adventures into mommyhood were soooo not about control and schedule that I would bound and determined to make the second adventure (with twins) the best experience ever. And, you know what, it was. I accomplished so much that first year home with them. I painted, and sewed endlessly, kept my 5 year old in all his activities and drove a total of two hours a day back and forth to his school, kept the house spotless, had time to shower and apply makeup and dress well, etc. etc. The twins were sleeping through the night at 6 and 8 weeks and totally on a schedule. THey were the easiest babies ever. No help from family, and we were new to the city and state, so no friend help either. I was just that determined to never let the awful, out of contol, needless chaos of the first born experience ever happen again. I said that having the twins was far easier than my first born singleton, because of the totally disillusioned experience of the first. I wish her the best, and who knows--maybe she will accomlish it all...but I too, doubt it. :)

[Lydia]

My 3.5 month old's favorite place to nap, me. His favorite place to sleep at night (when he is not eating, which is now 6 times a night), between my husband and I. Now when he was a newborn some things were easier, he sleep for 4 to 8 hours at a stretch at night, but he did want to be held all the time and would only nap on me. It took 3.5 months but we are now able to cook a dinner with few tears (but only if it is stew or something like that). Although being a new mom is easier than being pregnant. The sickness, especially when you don't look pregnant and people just think you have a nasty hang over. Then the lack of energy, I didn't get any laundry folded for 8 months. And finally the complete and total loss of energy when you have gained 70 lbs and look like you are having triplets (after 18 ultrasounds you are pretty sure it is just one) and are contracting all the time. Yep, new mommyhood is much, much better than that.

[Julie]

The other thing is, when you're already a parent and a baby comes along, you're so busy that you don't have the luxury of wallowing in your own bullshit. Life goes on, you know?

I've found that to be a very great advantage indeed.

[Chicago]

Her list just cracked me up! I could not agree with you more. No woman can adequately explain to another what it feels like to be infertile, be pregnant, feel that first flutter or kick, miscarry, deliver, recover from a c-section, breastfeed, or be a mom. Can't be done. I remember feeling, with every new feeling and sensation, that I was the first person any of it had ever happened to.

I, too, can't so much say I enjoyed the tiny baby phase, with all the scary unknowns and inexperience, all the sleep deprivation and utter dependence. But, rest assured, as I learned with my #2, that the love you will feel for that child as you get to know this new little human being will trump it all. Your heart will grow two sizes bigger to make room for all the love and joy that comes along with all the weariness.

[Katherine]

Please - save her list and gift it back to her on baby's 2nd birthday - by then she will be able to laugh at herself.

[Jen H.]

You know when you are pregnant and you are waddling through the mall/grocery/bank and someone comments on your pregnancy and asks "is this your first?" If you say "YES", people always give you a huge smile. Which at first I interpreted as "oh look, what a special time in this woman's life. I feel genuine happiness for you...". I came to realize *later* that the grin is actually suppressed laughter at the gag which the whole world of mothers and fathers is in on except YOU: this kid is going to drag you through the mud. But would I want that bank teller telling me what to expect upon the arrival of my firstborn child? No thank you. A sister or girlfriend maybe.

[Marie]

I'd be willing to bet that she is JoKiNg!! Sarcastic humor. Surely someone couldn't be THAT naive.

[LisaG]

As a first timer expecting twins after IF/IVF (god help me), I read that and laughed out loud. I wonder which is better - the bliss of ignorance or the realization that you're speeding towards the edge of a cliff you've never gone over before and you hope you survive the fall with some shred of sanity intact?

[catherine illian]

are you SURE she wasn't kidding-- that is ridiculous-- in the first four months I was doing well to get to grocery with clean clothes on me and baby.

[penny]

Agree with Sad - you guys sound so condescending. "Oh the poor woman" - you all sound so self-satisfied! Yawn.

[wyliekat]

I describe it thusly:

The first three months will cause you to doubt your own sanity. You will wonder why you ever did this in the first place. And then, slowly, slowly, slowly, things will start to get better. And then suddenly, you'll have this wonderful being beside you who giggles and smiles and has your heart in it's entirety - which is scary, too - but somehow okay.

Oh, and showering *is* a luxury.

[MJ]

I can't believe how condescending and smug some people are sounding. I really hope this woman does everything she's planning to and more.

[Jb]

with my first, train wreck. second, I may have done one or two things on the list (if I did not have the preschooler)...but, I always tell people, it sucked for me. that way, if (when?) it gets bad for them, they don't feel like they are the Only Ones On The Planet that is horrible for....

[kbreints]

What planet is she living on? Oh my she will be getting a wake up call!! Litterally!

[amy]

I tell everyone that the first two weeks are pure and absolute hell. Don't go anywhere you don't have to, don't let anyone visit if you don't have to, don't walk around if you don't have to, don't change or shower unless you absolutely have to. Then (for me, both times, four years apart), like a light switch, FLIP it's suddenly easier. And then? When you think it's really still very hard, remember those first two weeks, and realize it's a different 'hard' all the time, but there are a gazillion little things that keep getting easier, and easier.

[Jigsaw]

She could pull it off.... with a full time nanny, a housekeeper, no breastfeeding or pumping (and, after the first few weeks, maybe hiring that perfect "escort/massage therapist" to keep her husband happy).
KIDDING! I'M JUST KIDDING!

[Liz]

Really?? Is she delusional already from lack of sleep? :)

[Anne]

Yep, even though I understood intellectually that having an infant would be hard work, and I would be tired and sleep deprived, I had NO IDEA what that actually meant. Before baby, the most time I would spend sleep deprived would be after a night on the town, or at worst, a week's worth of jet lag after flying to Asia or Europe. NO IDEA what weeks and weeks and WEEKS of not-enough-sleep would do to me. (Crying jags and lots of depression-induced eating, for the record).

I am currently 5 weeks pregnant with my second, and I am also dreading the sleep deprivation. But at least this time I know sort of what to expect. Also, this baby is due in June, whereas my first was born in December (winter in the U.S., and our house is FREEZING in the winter), which means that all those middle-of-the-night breastfeeding jaunts will be much easier to handle, temperature-wise. Yay!

[Anna]

Mmhhh, that's really sweet. Ignorances IS bliss. A friend of mine told me she was taking a break from a stressful job and decided to just stay at home and have babies so that she could rest..isn't that funny? She had her baby last week, and she told me she has barely been able to go out for a 15 minute walk since: realization is setting in!
I remember when I was like that, eons ago. I told my boss I would be able to work from home during maternity leave. Ha!Ha! I remember this phone call with him while two-week-old Julia was having a colic, it still gets a good laugh out of me.
Don't tell her anything, Tertia, let her enjoy this time before the storm!
: )

[Erin M]

I bet she's going to be sorry she wrote that for the world to see. Poor thing, I look forward to reading her retraction;)

[Ruth]

dear lord. here i am at 47 with a 14 month old tornado child. until two months ago i did well to get dressed of a day and feed myself and her. my dddddh cooks cleans and props me up with everything else. he is my saviour.
i started back at the gym two months ago - free creche, what BLISS, and even managed to wax most of my lower leg area yesterday - i just have a vertical moustache down one calf from where i had to stop and run to the evil little troll baby. whereas before baby i would stress about people seeing that strip - i know feel smugly capable because i got MOST of that area done. my standards are so much lower, and so much more reachable!!!

she sleeps a few hours a day, and (after some serious baby whispering) the entire night, which is the only thing that saves my sanity. the rest of the time i need to watch her every move because she loves living on the edge, and we cannot entirely child-proof (or in this case evil little troll proof) the world we live in.

that mum to be's list was sure impressive, but i do admit to laughing loud and long when reading it, and then nearly crying as my knowledge of how hard this year has been re-surfaced. i hope she has plenty of support around her if the baby is colicky or unsettled. she will need it.

btw, i saw a recent study that said ivf mothers were more likely to seek professional help with baby care issues breastfeeding, sleep, crying etc after a few months - didn't give reasons - just the statistics.

[Ruth]

maybe you should get her to write another list once the baby is born. i reckon it would read something like this:

1. wash face at least once a week
2. speak in words using more than one syllable
3. look up dictionary to find meaning of word syllable
4. brush hair bi-monthly
5. purchase ten x ten trip tickets at local takeaway shop
6. purchase entire disposable wardrobe for self and baby
7. find my marbles
8. sleep at least 3 hours straight every second day
9. save used tea bags to put on eyelids swollen and disfigured from crying and lack of sleep

9. find front door

[kathleen999]

I actually remembering people telling me when I was pregnant with my twins, "Oh my god, you will never have time for anything ever again!" And the next comment was, "Oh my god, just wait until they are teenagers! It'll be awful!"

I felt like people who tried to tell me how hard it would be were taking all the joy out of being pregnant and also accomplishing nothing but frightening me. I knew it would be hard. I read sites about having twins and what it was like. I knew it would be a challenge. But when every announcement of having twins was met with negativity, that was really hard to take.

However, I had absolutely no self-improvement list in mind. And I took a 6-month maternity leave, knowing that it would be a huge adjustment. I figured it would be hard. But even expecting it to be hard...it was much much harder than I imagined.

I say, don't try to enlighten her. Just wish her well. She'll find out how challenging it is soon enough, and pregnancy has it's own challenges.

[Beth]

My friend refers to the first seix weeks as boot camp. Aptly put I think.

[stay@homemom]

Shame, the poor woman. I had such great plans. I was going to pop Dylan into the pram, take both Scotties on the lead and walk up the hill to fetch the Cape Times, come back and read while I breastfed. Ha, fucking,ha. I could hardly drive up the hill as it took 3 hours to get myself together while the milk squirted out my cabbage covered breasts. Showering with one wet arm out the door popping the dummy in everytime it fell out his mouth. Leaving the hairdryer on while I left the room so that he could have white noise and not notice that I had run to the kitchen to eat dry Oatees out the box cos I was starving. Ugh, you feel like those days will never end and you will never again open a book or watch a TV show. I still get cold shivers when I hear the music to 7de Laan as it brings back ghastly memories of being stuck to the leather couch in the middle of summer with my body temperature at 70 degrees and one boob in the mouth and the other hanging out. Poor husband coming home to that sight every night. Thank goodness they grow older.

[Garnigal]

I'm fascinated by what she plans to do with the baby while she takes the art lessons. I have this amusing picture in my head of her sweetly tucking her child into the crib, tiptoeing out, then jumping in the car to head down to her art lesson. Hee!

[Barb Desmarais]

I read down the list and thought "You've got to be kidding". I agree though that despite what everyone tells you, we all have our own ideas of what life is going to be like with baby. There is nothing that can fully prepare you. I was in my 30's when my first child was born and had years of babysitting and teaching preschoolers behind me. I knew it all. I was prepared, or so I thought. Boy, was I wrong. The biggest shock was that I could no longer just run out the door to run an errand or sit back and read a magazine without interruption.

Wonderful to discover your blog!

[Simonne]

No! No no no no no no!! I want to be left dreaming of blissful days reading books and keeping my washing up to date while my newborn son snoozes peacefully in his baby-hammock. PLEASE don't destroy my dream! The next thing you'll be telling me that one morning I'm NOT just going to wake up in bed and find my enormous stomach gone (and toned, and actually skinny legs to go with as well so I look fabulous for reclining on the couch with my summer newborn in my pre-pregnancy clothes which I'm going to fit back into straight away) and the baby tucked up in his hammock, again peacefully asleep, no mess, no fuss, none of this 'labour' business which will actually turn out to be a bit like the whole Santa Claus myth ...

Mwa haha!

It's a bit like saying before they retrieved 18 eggs that it might be 'a bit uncomfortable'. Freaking 'uncomfortable' my ass. Hell!

But seriously, labour is no worse than waxing your legs ... right????

;-)

[Stella]

Omg. That poor woman is right...I remember being under that illusion as well and I nearly lost my mind with the reality of having a newborn. You are so right, there is literally NO way anyone can prepare you for what it is like!

[wyliekat]

I really need to know how many of these people who are calling this condescension are actually parents. Because honestly? The comments here read to me as sympathy. And a bit of laughing at ourselves, too.

[Mika]

My first impression: I am convinced that list was written as a joke by a woman with a good sense of humor.

[Katherine]

oh yes I wanted to add something. Yesterday I shaved my legs. My son is 4 months and week old. Guess when last I shaved them - yup the week before he was born. And it has been summer here so no winter excuses! Those first few weeks I didn't do any dishes, I didn't do any cleaning or laundry - my poor husband did all the dishes, laundry, shopping etc. He was a wreck. I was also a wreck. On a good day, I managed to eat something, have a shower, and not go mad with the constant screaming. aiee! I am glad that is over.

[Emily]

I just have to laugh at this! But I will admit that I was that person who didn't believe my "been there, done that" friends! I thought I would have plenty of time to put together several scrapbooks, clean out the closets, make lavish dinners...oh how silly I was!

[Karla]

As we say in the southern United States "Bless her heart". Are you sure she wasn't joking? Surely someone has clued this poor thing in on what to expect.

[21stCenturyMom]

25 years later (or 20 if you count from the birth of my youngest) I am still aghast at how such a small person could keep me from
- getting dressed
- taking a shower
- eating
- sleeping

Every day. For hours. This tiny person turned me in to someone who was still in her robe at noon - dirty, smelly and hungry. And there was no accounting for where the time went or why in the world I couldn't put the baby in her crib and just take care of myself. I just couldn't.

I think one of the reasons you can't prepare a person for this is because it is absolutely inexplicable - even after the fact.

[ainin]

That IS funny. Complete her degree with a newborn!!??! How much maternity leave does she think she has? Four years?

My little girl is just four months old, and it's my Nov 2005 twins that are driving me nuts. I had panic attacks throughout this last pregnancy, fearing I would not be able to cope with a newborn and the twins.

Like chickenpig says, it is really true that it's so much easier second time round, and with only one baby! After twins, one newborn baby is a piece of cake (and I only had three months of maternity leave). My baby slept through the night in her second week and I had to wake her up to feed her! Now, she just smiles and smiles and coos, plays, drinks and sleeps. It does depend on the personality of the baby, but it's so wonderful to be able to enjoy just one baby, instead of the crazy, harried days as brand new parents of newborn twins.

Would you believe me if I told you this second-time new mom gig is the most beautiful and relaxing time I've had?

All the best my dear, and I wish with all my heart that you will have a beautiful baby.

[margalit]

They won't believe you. I have a friend who was pregnant a year after I was. At a July 4th neighborhood BBQ she announced that she was starting her PhD program in Clinical Psychology the week after her baby was due. Everyone at the party had at least one kid under a year old, and we all tried and tried to tell her, but nope, she knew better. Well, her first son is now a freshman in high school and she STILL hasn't gone back to school. Heh.

[RainbowW]

Lesley wrote about having a year of leave.

isn't that a screech.

here in the states, you're lucky to get a week paid vacation. companies of a certain size (50+ employees!) sometimes have to give you leave ... if you know in advance, given plenty of notice, pray to the right rain god, etc etc etc. i've seen women who had given notice but had medical emergencies (like, say, placenta abrupta or preeclampsia) and had to take off work before their notice became effective ... and were summarily fired for it.

that post has to be a joke, and a not very funny one at that.

[becky]

I have a private theory that pregnancy hormones make you stupid. Why else would we come up with crazy plans like that, despite all the advice handed out by the BTDT moms? I was exactly the same way -- especially after I read all the books about how babies napped for 2 hours at a go. Mine even napped like the books said he should, but did I get anything done? ha! i didn't even get any extra sleep in as I was so mind-numb and dazed that I just kind of wandered around in a fog until he woke up. Stupid me also went back to work when he was 6 weeks old (I work from home), and that was a dumb dumb mistake. I shudder to think of what my reports sounded like during that period. My boss actually read back some of my sentences to me, and we both had a good laugh. Thank God I'd been with the company for more than a decade, or they would have put me in an institution as a crazy lady!

There's no fixing it. Having a child is just so different from anything else you've ever done, you can't imagine it. And the sleep deprivation is so cruel and unlike the all nighters you pulled in college. It's more like being in a prison camp. And yet, we forget enough that we actually have sex again and risk making new torturers! It must be 'cuz they're so cute!

Congrats on the pregnancy, T! Glad you're doing lots of LBCs, because frankly *I* can barely stand the suspense week-to-week! Truly pulling for you.

[Lisa]

Unfortunately, my best friend had an extremely easy baby a couple of years before I had mine. She did have time to do whatever she wanted during her maternity leave. When she wanted that baby to go to sleep, she laid her down. That's it. When she wanted to do something, she placed the baby in the bouncy seat close to her & did whatever she wanted. So I was totally unprepared for my very difficult baby. She was protein intolerant, which is like colic on speed, and can still fight sleep for hours despite all our "training." She's 16 months old & I still consider it a good day in which I get to shower.

[Terrie from Oz]

If this is the calibre of the posts at Parent24....Remind me again..... WHY do you blog in this community???

[Netta]

I just wanted to add that I too live in Canada and yes, our 1-year maternity leave is AMAZING! And I won't add anything political, but just know that it has made the experience of having my first baby soooo much easier.
I have nothing - NOTHING - else to do for a year but look after my baby, and my job is guaranteed when I go back in January.
And I have a hands-on DH and an easy baby who sleeps well and keeps herself entertained, and I still wouldn't even get one of the items on that list accomplished.
But at least I do have time to post on this blog!

[L.]

Oh, I really think she is joking. What with "in between her naps" and all that.

[Heather]

Jeez, I was waiting for the satire paragraph following that daunting list, which would show a small reality check!!

This coming from a nurse to babies who doesn't even have kids in her OWN home!
~H

[Flicka]

AHAHAHAHAHA! *cough* Sorry, I mean that in the best possible way. We only have the one baby and he's adopted so I was fine physically when he came home from the hospital on Day 3 of his tiny new life. If anyone should have been mastering the keyboard and growing an herb garden it should have been me! And! My husband was home with me full-time for the first two months!

And still, the first three months were more about survival than anything else. I didn't even clean my toilets, that's how tired I was. I think I went for eight weeks with dirty toilets, just sponged off the seat occasionally. The garden that was so lovely in June? Was overtaken by the yard sometime in August. Blogging? Fell by the wayside. SLEEP? FOOD? HAH.

And you know, it's not that I didn't believe people when they told me how tired I'd be, it's that I didn't have a frame of reference for it. I've NEVER been that tired. I didn't know I COULD be that tired and still live. So with a smile, I say "good luck!" to your bloggy friend and think "You have no idea but that's okay. None of us ever do."

[Paz]

She was joking right? That can't possibly, possibly be real!!!

My first 3 months as a mom were heaven. Really! He rarely slept, nursed Constantly...but he was here, finally — a live baby after all the losses. I loved that time and would love to have the chance to be sleep-deprived again!!! (Oh, wait a minute I was in la-la land and forgot that my, now 23-month old, beastie boy still doesn't sleep consistently through the night. Oy!)

You are an experienced mom now, you'll know it is all about schedule-schedule-schedule!

[Amy]

WOW. Does that woman have a warped preconceived notion of the first months. All I could do was laugh!

[Amy]

I know of a couple who had a baby today. I am SO envious... 42 and the twins 11, son 15. Am I insane?!

[cathy]

i disagree. i am totally loving being at home with my almost 5 month old and it HAS felt like a bit of a holiday - i finished my degree, have read heaps of books and now i am baking an awful lot of cupcakes...

she is a chilled baby - today she has come out for a coffee with a friend and also been to a crybaby session at the cinema. my highly strung cat is far more annoying than the baby (resulting in my famous 3am comment to the baby: "Shhhh! You'll wake the cat!").

i achieve this happiness by the fact that as i am ALREADY a disorganised messy person, my house looks the same as ever but now i have a great excuse for it. i also never had the idea that i could somehow control the baby and decide what she did when. we just feed when she's hungry, sleep when she's sleepy and the rest of the time we swan around going to coffee and visiting friends - we're always late to get there but i just blame the baby, hee hee! little do they know i was always late for everything long before i had a baby...

God will surely punish me with reflux triplets next time around, but for now we are both having a ball.

[TheLuckyGal]

OMG. She's serious. I totally thought she was being sarcastic! Well, maybe she'll get lucky and have a good sleeper, easy feeder, happy baby. Even so, nothing can prepare you for the feeling of having another living being COMPLETELY DEPENDANT on you. Nothing. That being said, I do have friends that accomplished something ginormous - like finishing a degree - during maternity leave. Me? I just tried to make sure I bathed regularly and got out of the house a few times / week. I'm not too ambitous.

[Stranger]

Honestly, when my baby was (finally) born, people had told me such horror stories about what to expect, I was surprised about how easy it was. (I'm sure I lucked out with an easy baby.)Although after X years of infertility, I was just grateful to finally have the chance and caring for a baby round the clock was much easier for me emotionally than the carrying the weight of infertility. I think her optimism is endearing.

[Lisa]

I guess it was because I formula-fed, but both my boys were "easy." Do you think it's because they go for longer between feedings? I don't know. I do know that they both napped for an hour in the morning (time for a shower!) and slept through the night at about six weeks.

I mean, I know it's been 15 years, but I just don't remember it being THAT bad. Of course, some days a shower was the only thing keeping me from looking like a homeless person, but on the whole? It was easy.

[Sister Mel]

The same way you cannot explain how tough it is to be a 1st time mome, is the same way you just cannot explain how much easier and more divine it is the 2nd time around.
PS, I am sure this is someone taking the piss and they are just kidding, no one can be this naive???

[Tiah]

I was up from 1 am to 3am today and all I could think about was that dumb list.

Posts like that tick me off. It is attitudes like that which lead people to thinking being a SAHM is some sort of holiday.

I've just moved from England to South Africa. I can't speak a word of Afrikaans and am in an area where Afrikaans is the dominate language spoken. I have a son who is 3 1/2 and a daughter who is 13 months and thinks sleep is for wusses. During the chaos of moving, settling into a new country, and all the crazy-a$$ quirks that come with it (Telkom and FNB are on my sh-t list) I can not tell you how many people have asked me, "So, are you getting much writing done?"

Gee...I'm such an incompetent. Can't work from home AND take care of two children while trying a master a new country. Must be lazy or something since ALL I do is take care of children, try to find place to live...find nursery for older child...get bank accounts....cars....unpacking...try to get a phone line...not doing so good with the phone line....

Being a South African, she might have full time domestic help. So perhaps she has a shot at her list, where in England, she'd be faced with it all on her own. So lucky her, I guess.

[Lindsay]

Aren't woman who have such an idea in their minds of it being perfect and planning all these things at risk of post natal depression? She might not listen but someone should tell her!

[Alex]

I have to chuckle at this! I had similar ambitions, I thought 5 months of no work? I'me going to get PLENTY done! Get myself back in shape, get my horse back in exercise, do some home decor, write a novel ...

My little boy is just 4 weeks old now, and it's pretty much all I can manage to pack and unpack the dishwasher and load up my google reader every second day. Every time Aidan wakes up for a feed I think to myslef "Didn't I just do this?" and then I think "Yeah, I did, and I'll be doing it again in another 3 hours, and three hours after that, and three hours after that" And where did I think I was going to put the baby when I went off to gym?? And shopping for home decor with an infant?

Yeah, but I wouldn't have believed you either...

[margaret]

I find it difficult to take this woman seriously. If she hasn't "completed her degree etc" at this point in her life, she is obviously just making a wish list. Like the really ambitious student who spends 2 hours sharpening his pencils in lieu of "studying" for his exams.
She's just sharpening her pencils. If she were truly ambitious, she would have completed her degree etc long ago.

[Pascale]

HAHAHAHAHAHA

[Katy]

Oh bless her! What a lovely thought. I have tried explaining to my friend who is due to have a baby how hard it is to begin with. Something comes into your life and shakes everything upside down. I remember with my daugher how it would take us until dinner time to get downstairs and my friend said she couldn't imagine that.

On another point - with just one child it was relatively easy. Tertia, obviously you don't have much experience of this with your gorgeous twins, but I wish I could go back to have a word with myself when I was a parent of one. I could sleep when she slept and chuck her in the car and go wherever I wanted. After having my son and a 17 month age gap everything was so much different, as in horribly difficult! Two people to manage, two lots of questions to answer, two bodies to wrestle into the car, two hands to grip onto to make sure no-one runs into the road, two lots of shit to lug everywhere. One is very, very much easier!

[Felicity]

Oh, Bless her! LOL! :)

I have to quote you here.. "I know it is easier the second time, and certainly one baby has to be easier than two.."
Tertia, this is not always true. Oscar, 2.5 now, has always been a much, much more demanding, headstrong and intense child than our Twins, Edward and Cecilia. I was so taken aback, because everyone told me Id have such an easy time, and I had such a hard, hard time. He never slept and had to be in my arms 24/7. He vomited with distress when I left him crying even for 1 minute! I think it was great with our Twins because they were interested in each other from such an early age, but Oscar just wanted me and me alone!

Thinking of you every day. :)

[Jessi]

I'm expecting my first and I want to know! Please, someone tell me how bad it'll really be!

[bj]

All I can do is giggle. I had plans like that. But, she'll find out soon enough.

[Maggie]

I am laughing AND crying for her. Literally.

But she does need to put "shower" at the top of her list.

[Foster]

I have the worlds easiest best-sleeping baby ever, and that list is still too much for me. I probably could have done half of that when dd was a newborn, though. Seriously. I am that woman for whom it was different *shrug*

[brenna]

What she will never understand before her baby is born: she won't WANT to do those things. She'll be exhausted and strung out, but also in love! She will miss sleep so she can watch the baby breathe and won't trust anyone to hold him while she gets that biweekly wax. Love is even more of a handicap than exhaustion!

[midlife mommy]

I think that probably the best thing to do is nothing. And then kindly offer support during that first six weeks. By keeping your mouth shut, you lose the opportunity to say "I told you so."

[angel]

holy crap... is she delusional or what!!?! my knucklehead's turning 18 next year and i'm only now getting around to some of the things on her list!!!

[Super B's Mom]

I heard other moms talk about how hard it was going to be but I really had NO idea. In my mind, after struggling through IVF - I thought everything was going to be roses. But nothing could have prepared me for the absolute exhaustion of caring for a newborn, much less a preemie. I seriously felt like I was going to collapse at any moment. It was a miracle to get a shower every other day - brushing my teeth was out of the question!!

I feel bad for the woman who is about to experience a challenge that will test every ounce of her body, mind, and soul!! Her expectations are WAY TOO HIGH!!

[Stef]

Very interesting read :-)