Grumpiness causes disequilibrium

What would you do if we were friends / coworkers / lovers / partners etc, and I told you, in a rather matter of fact manner, that I was feeling grumpy today.

 

Would you accept it at face value and carry on with your life, or would it work at you like a stone in a shoe?

 

I tell you what I would do…. I would say “oh, I’m sorry, I also sometimes get like that. Let me know if there is anything I can do, but otherwise I am going to leave you alone until you are feeling better”.

 

Simple. That’s what I want. 

 

But to some people, me being grumpy is like a single, eligible person in one’s social circle. It just doesn’t feel right, and you just can’t help yourself…before long you are trying to ‘fix’ it by playing matchmaker and arranging blind dates.

 

When I am in a bad mood, I want to be left alone. Just for a bit and I almost always snap out of it on my own after a while. I don’t hover around when I am grumpy like a cloud of doom, I don’t snap, I just want to be left alone. 

 

And because I am not good at pretending, I like to tell people around me so that they don’t think I am being rude, or that they have done anything wrong. So I say, “I don’t know why, but I am in a grumpy mood today. It is not anything you’ve done or anything any one else has done*, I am just in a bad mood”

 

Simple, right? Wrong.

 

For some people, no names mentioned (Rose! Marko!), this is like a red flag to a bull. The first thing they say is “I hope it isn’t because of me”. AAARRGGHHHH!!! Not everything has to be about YOU. I am just grumpy.

 

Then they either try to cheer me up (Rose) or scratch around to discover the cause for my bad mood (Marko), or even worse, pick a fight so that I have a real reason to be in a bad mood (again, Marko).

 

What is it that makes people so uncomfortable about the fact that someone could be in a bad mood ‘just because’?

 

I know we’ve spoken about this before, but I need to talk about it again. Explain to me why if I tell you I am in a grumpy mood you can’t just accept that and leave me alone?  Would you prefer it if I didn’t say anything? I hate that. I hate wondering what is wrong with someone if they just keep quiet. Marko does that. He will have off days and say nothing the whole day. Instead of saying “I am feeling grumpy / anxious / tired / sad / sick / whatever”, he says nothing.  I must prefer my way. Call it for what it is, leave it alone and it will all come right after a while.

 

* I add the bit about ITS NOT BECAUSE OF YOU to try prevent the ‘I hope it isn’t me’ thing, but it seldom has any effect.

Comments

[Farmgirl]

Must be the withdrawal symptoms from chardonnay.... Annoying thing is, you can't go and have a glass/bottle coz you're grumpy??!! Vasbyt!

[Casey]

Ugh. I feel your...well...grumpy frustration. I think you're going about it the right way, but perhaps what needs to happen next is that you simply ignore those around you who feel like they have to coax you back to yourself. Or perhaps to say "I'm grumpy and I'm okay with that," might let them feel off the hook.

It is amazing, though, isn't it, how quickly people around us take up the defensive. I have theories and theories about this (Read: "Passionate Marriage" by Dr. Schnarch) (wait, I guess that means Dr. Schnarch has theories and theories about this, with which I agree), but it probably boils down to dependence on each other for our worth. Not yours, per se, but your close friends/family, who take it personally when it really isn't.

I won't wish you any less grumpy because you're fantastic, moody or not. (And I know it wasn't me!)

[Shanna]

My husband does the same thing when I tell him I am in a bad mood. Usually he does something that really sets me off though. ;) Men, can't live with them, can't shoot them.

They always think it is about them though yet they can be in a crap mood for no reason and take it out on everyone else in the house.

I totally understand my dear. Good luck. If I ever figure out how to deal with this I will be sure to let you know.

[Maritza]

Note difference in sentences:

1. I am grumpy, it is nothing you have done.
2. You make me grumpy.
3. You made me grumpy.
4. What you are doing is making me grumpy.
5. You are making me grumpy.

DH always assumes 1 = 2,3,4 & 5

Why they don't realise that we are very aware of the existence of sentence 2-5 beats me!? If applicable, we will make use of every opportunity to use them.

Maybe we should send them an interpretation note: 1 = For your own health and sanity keep out of my way as far as possible. It is nothing to be fixed. It is like the warm earth that has to cool down in its own good time. Trying to question or forcibly cool me down will result in the applicability of sentence 2-5.

[Brainy girl]

OK, well if someone said that to me (i.e. in a grumpy mood, it's not you), I'd leave them alone. BUT, that doesn't necessarily mean I BELIEVE them. I just can't get my head around the idea that someone can be in a pissy mood for NO REASON (outside of actual clinical depression, etc.). Tired, overworked, endless hassles, hormone swings - all valid reasons for feeling crappy - but to say, No, NOTHING is causing my bad mood - I just don't get it. So, basically, I would think that the person either doesn't want to talk about it - or perhaps doesn't want to talk to ME about it - or they haven't put the pieces together yet to actually KNOW why they are in a bad mood.

I have finally, finally learned just not to ask when my DH is acting all grumpy - because even though there is always a reason, his coping method does not involve talking about it (as mine would), or even mentioning it at all. Instead, he just acts all annoyed about every little thing I do until he somehow gets over it - or causes an argument, which makes everything worse. But at least if he SAID to me, "It's not you" that'd be a little easier to take. I think your way of handling it is very sensible - but people can't help wanting to "help" and I'm not sure there's any more you could do to prevent that.

[Bobbi]

That's why I always leave the apologizing for when my mood lifts. I find that by being a pissy asshole, I get left alone (which is what I WANT!) and then at the end of the day, I can say, "sorry I was such a bitch today - I was feeling grumpy, not sure why..."

[becky]

Once you're out of your bad mood, you should as Marko and Rose what would make it more comfortable for *them*. They might each have a different answer, but if you can accomodate them a bit, it might give you the space you need when you're grumpy!

I totally can relate to both sides of this question. My DH is a bit like you -- he really needs space when he's grumpy. I'm more like Marko: seeing him grumpy makes me want to fix it! It actually makes my stomach hurt. I don't know what Marko's like, but for me any kind of conflict is really anxiety provoking for me. It just makes my heart beat a little faster, and just makes me feel upset.

Early in our marriage, I acted like Marko trying to figure out what was bothering DH. That did NOT work. Finally I clued in that he needed space, and that's what I do now. My DH is so grateful. When I do that, he ALWAYS comes to me after the mood has passed and thanks me for being understanding and giving him space. The gratitude afterwards is what helps me the most -- then I know it definitely wasn't about me, and that giving space WAS helping him. That helps me feel a little less anxious the next time a grumpy mood hits.

In fact, that's another idea: once you have your talk with Marko, reward him the next time you get grumpy for leaving you alone! He'll then understand that in the long run it pays to give you space.

We all have different things that bother us, and for some people (like me!) seeing a person upset just sets you off. Talk to them both when you're in a better mood, and try to strike a compromise. Then, reward them when they stick to the new rule. It's kind of like with kids! And don't be surprised if the first time they still try some of their old methods -- that's just human nature. But, keep practicing and I'm sure you'll find a way to accomodate both of you.

[wyliekat]

I'm a picker. I like to hear about what the problem is, draw it out of you, and talk about it. Similarly, when I'm grumpy, I'll provide you with all the reasons. To me, it's therapeutic.

So yeah - I'd drive you up the wall.

[Roberta]

When I'm cranky, it's always for a reason; someone or something has gotten on my nerves. If the issue gets corrected, then my grumpiness ends.

Therefore it seems logical to me that if SOMEONE ELSE is cranky, it must also be for a reason - and the reason must be found and eliminated! Because one grumpy person in a group can spoil everyone's day.

Which is why, when my daughter is in a bad mood, I probe to find out "what happened" - so it can be corrected. And she almost always says "nothing, I'm just in a bad mood, leave me alone!"

I would automatically do the same if you were grumpy in my presence - try and find out why so that it can be corrected, and especially try to find out if it was something I had done - since that's the most easily corrected problem. That is probably what Rose & Marko are thinking, and it makes sense to me!

I'm rarely grumpy, and when I am, it's always for a specific reason. I feel uncomfortable when I'm in a bad mood, and I don't like it, and I want to be cheerful again as soon as possible. To me, it seems natural to want to correct the situation - so it seems natural to also want to help others out of their dark moods.

We would probably make bad roommates!

[Becky]

My husband is thrilled when I tell him that I am just in a grumpy / hormonal mood. It lets him off the hook and gives him an explanation for the moody woman that took over his wife's body. :) I wish there was a "mood" thermometer hanging over the garage door handle so when he gets home from work he knows what the 'temperature' is and can adjust accordingly.
:) Becky

p.s. I LOVE your method - I would much prefer that to an apology hours later (which is what my sisters would do).

[Jenna]

I am with you on the being left alone. But it never happens here, either. My DH has this little trick. He is usually the one to be pissy and I try and try to draw him out or make it better or whatever. On the rare occasions I get in a bad mood for some reason not involving him, he cannot stand it and has to get into a bad mood himself to make me focus on him again. Makes me crazy. Whenever I bring this up with him he tells me that our world is not right when I am upset and he is fine. I can relate to the "not everything is about you" feeling.

btw-Congrats on LN7. You and yours are in my prayers.

[pdxem]

“oh, I’m sorry, I also sometimes get like that. Let me know if there is anything I can do, but otherwise I am going to leave you alone until you are feeling better”.

early pregnancy is a fine reason in and of itself to be grumpy.. discomfort, anxiety, and a new cocktail of hormones that can feel like pure rage.

[wendy]

I call it Crabby. And I will say - to coworker, husband, children..."I am Crabby today" - and that's it. Better to announce it, then pretend. And I'm sorry you're Crabby today, I bet a nap would help.

[kristylynne]

I think the worst thing about people pestering me about why I'm grumpy, is that it only makes me more grumpy. I have the same problem with my DH, and when one of us is grumpy it tends to make the other one grumpy, and then we exacerbate each other's grumpiness and pretty soon we're fighting over nothing. Very aggravating.

[Liz]

I want to be left alone. But some people might want attention and comfort by telling others they are grumpy, or just someone to talk to get off their grumpiness.

[Jan]

This is the number one reason I prefer working with mostly men. Because if I'm in a foul mood, I can say, "not a good day to chat -- I'm cranky" and they take it at face value. I worked one place that was all women and I swear to you, I said that once and two months later, there were still women coming up to me with the whole "how are you feeeling today" thing. Ugh.

I think it's codependence at its worst. Either people have seen so much of it (I won't say outright that you've done anything, I'll just be moody and you'll be forced to spend your whole day trying to figure out what's wrong) or they do it themselves (I want to control your behavior and I don't want you to be cranky, so I'll keep hounding you until you act the way I want you to act.) Or a combination of the two.

I think it's about boundaries. You should be able to say, "I don't want to discuss it" and that should be the end of it. On the flip side, you should never EVER say "I don't want to discuss it" if you actually DO want to discuss it. Make sense?

[deana everts]

most of my grumpy days a due to not realy knowing what its all about myself, must be a hormone thing i say, levels or something, my husband is an adult most of the time and he should know that its probably gonna pass, and my children of eight and nine , i have sat down and told that its not for the lack of loving them or not wanting them it hang on me 27/7 but some days i just want to be left alone to figure things out,, TIME , ME MY MIND AND I. they seem to understand, and comment with a "mommys having a dont touch me day. alec who is three well he is always having a me myself and i day and that makes things more difficult he just to young,,, thats the time for husbands to step in and take over but thats a far cry for help!!!!!!!!!!, men just dont get it , omg then to top it off you get the want to fool arround , fuck no , well thats life i surpose and days will come and go and so will our moods but we look back and still have those family members waiting in the wings to take u back with open arms, just to make us regret that grumpy moment hey. well we have just had another of those moments, im on the pc and its my time ,what u typing? who is it? let me see ? we supose to share everything. it drives me mad , no we are not one living in each other shadows , we are indapendant.. or does that not count anymore, why is it that when u tie the knot your partner just automatically thinks we are one body mind and sole. i mean is this mormal or am i the disfunctional one.now i have been rude and asked him to leave me alone , oh now im the shit, but at least i get things done this way. if he just understood, he wouldent bare the brunt . he obviousely doesent so we will hve so many more of these moments. shit happens i say , i realy cannot worry about everyones feelings all the time . T i cannot find the spell check and i dyslexic, so i havent added any comments yet, well today will be the start of a new page in my book , spellings not all that counts its the truth of the matter and how i express myself.... ya hooooo

[RainbowW]

some women live to kvetch. (http://www.thefreedictionary.com/kvetch)

some men, and some women, try to fix and make life better for themselves and those around them.

when they come into conflict, you get tertia and rose/marko.

it's not personal.

[kbreints]

Oh I have had those days a lot! Seriously... just grumpy about everything days not one single thing.

[wrongshoes]

There's this idea in psychology, I think it's called "differentiation of self," about the degree of separateness people feel from others. Well differentiated people believe other people's experiences to be totally separate from their own. Less differentiated people feel like their experience depends on or affects other people. People who have the same level of differentiation get along well. Those people that worry about your mood more than you'd prefer probably just aren't as differentiated as you are.

[blackbird]

I can't even count how many times I've said "I'm just in a bad mood, so leave me alone," and people just can't leave me be!
For me, I think it's because it's so rare, so people don't know how to deal with it.

[Amy]

I try to tell those that are near and dear of my mood and hope they will understand. Like when Mommy has really bad PMS and she is miserable and retiring to her room for some sleep...

I try to explain it best I can and then go and be selfish and do what I need. Works all round.

Kids are not being ragged on, hubby entertains/feeds and I get the rest I need. While not pregnant myself I do feel totally out of whack when PMS strikes.

Take the time for yourself and explain it in kid terms. If you have back up do NOT feel guilt. Gawd knows those damned husbands never suffer from PMS or pregnancy stuff. They can suck it up and get to batt for us dammit!

[angel]

i know where you're coming from. and i have an agreement with my glugster and damien- if one of us is grumpy, the others get a warning and thats how it stays. no asking and nagging, we just leave each other alone.

[taz]

ha ha - you are SO pregnant!!!
THe moment I realised I was pregnant for the 2nd time was when I found myself in a bad mood.
Not an ordinary bad mood mind you- the kind of bad mood I remember being in only once before- then I knew.
The kind where EVERYTHING you can see/hear/feel irritates you.
You , my dear , are entitled to your grumpiness!!!

[Terrie from Oz]

Yep - I'd leave you the hell alone - has Marko learned NOTHING in the past X years?

[Jane]

AAARGH. I SO relate to this. I am EXACTLY the same and have exactly the same issues. If I am just left alone and not prodded with the proverbial stick I bounce back in no time... but people just don't GET that. WHY!?

I also like to know if someone is just grumpy, so that I too can give them space. Surely this is logical!?

[Amyinbc]

The kids and hubby about my 'please leave me alone' moments that happen with the regularity of my damned period. Once a month I find the need to closet myself in the bedroom with books, water and ok.. maybe a chocolate bar to just be ALONE.

Not asking terribly much is it? We as mothers either work and then add another shift when we get home or are stay at home mom's whose 'shifts' are long and arduous!

We deserve some space Tertia. Do NOT beat yourself up for needing it. Gawd knows I do..

[elzabe]

This is all because you had sex!!! If it wasn't for sex, you wouldn't be pregnant and if you weren't pregnant you wouldn't be grumpy. At least this time... So in effect it IS al Marco's fault!!!! :) Enjoy! You've got the best reason to be grumpy for as long as you want.

[tess]

oh ker-ap. i did something to upset you, didn't i?

[21stCenturyMom]

Oh and about the honesty - whoever said that those Moms could have said 'those pictures don't suit my tastes' was spot on. There is no need for direct rejection or a sweeping indictment.

[Carrie Jo]

I hate when people act insulted when I just want to be left alone while I'm cranky. Seriously. It's not about you! Don't make it about you.

[pfwd juorfn]

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