And the moral of the story is…

I was chatting to Sister Mel the other day and we were talking about how we are teaching our children about values and our approach to life. My sister says that she looks for opportunities to teach her children about compassion, about tenacity and not giving up. She said that her motto is “if you start something, you finish it”. I told her that I tell my children that they don’t have to do anything they don’t want to do. “If it feels horrible inside, you don’t have to do it”. Which just goes to show that you can raise your children the same, but there is no telling how they might turn out.

Seriously though, I am trying to teach my children about caring and compassion towards their fellow humans and also reaching out and helping those less fortunate than ourselves. Not just in our words but in our actions as well. This morning we gave loads and loads of our toys and stuff to a safe house for abandoned children. If there is one thing my siblings and I have all learnt from my parents, it is that we have a duty to give to those less fortunate than ourselves. My parents have always had great compassion for others. Sister Mel runs her charity and my other two siblings are also always helping others.

My children are so enormously privileged, and not only because they have an incredibly good looking and extremely witty mother, but because they have so much in comparison to so many. Using the opportunity of the daily drive to and from school, I have been trying to teach them that there are people who are less fortunate than they are. I am introducing them to the concept of poor and unprivileged. They are getting it, slowly.

Me: “See, that poor man is walking in the rain, he has no car”.

Adam: “And he doesn’t even have an umbrella”

Me: “yes”

Adam: “Why doesn’t he have an umbrella?”

Me: “Because he has no money to buy an umbrella”

Adam: “Why doesn’t he have any money?”

Me: “Because he doesn’t have a job”

Adam: “Why doesn’t he have any job?”

Me: “Because of an evil system called apartheid that subjected many people to terrible conditions of forced separation and poverty, the results of which can be seen by the massive amounts of poverty and unemployment that are keeping the poor downtrodden even today”

Ok, not the last part.

But I think I’ve been trying too hard at the Life Lessons, because they are taking this poor thing a bit too far.

Adam: “Look at that poor man, he doesn’t have an umbrella”

Kate: “Yes, and some people don’t even have legs or arms”

Adam: “Or a nose”

Kate: “Or a face”

Another thing we’ve been discussing is family, and how different families are made up. Some people have a mommy, a daddy, a boy and a girl. Some people have two mommies, some have no mommies etc etc.

Now, I live in a predominantly wealthy, white area. In South Africa, those two things – white and wealthy – go together more often than not. The hangover of apartheid. There are black people who live in the predominantly white and wealthy areas, but they are wealthy. There aren’t too many wealthy black areas. It is changing, but it would be dishonest to say that it isn’t so.

We are at a coffee shop / park the other day and there were a whole lot of (>90% white) families there. Kids playing, parents drinking coffee etc and there was one black guy standing there, watching while his daughter played on the climbing frame.

Adam in his booming voice pipes up: “OH DEAR, SEE – LOOK AT THAT POOR GIRL OVER THERE”

(Now, remember the “Black Work” post from last week? Remember I told you that we are a little sensitive to the race thing?)

Well, I nearly shat in my pants. I have obviously been over-zealous in my Life’s Lessons and now he thinks all black people are poor. Instant sweaty armpits.

I laugh with false cheer and whisper “no Adam, she is not poor, she is fine” Haha, nervous laugh. Grabbing his arm and trying to steer him away from the situation

He booms back “BUT SHE HAS GOT NO BROTHER”

Gawds truth, this child is going to be the death of me. I had to explain that yes, some people have no brother, but that is ok. They don’t even mind and it doesn’t make them poor. (Some sisters would even argue they are LUCKY to have no brother to irritate them!)

Phew. This parenting thing is damn hard work. I am thinking “You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to” is a damn site easier than this other life lesson stuff.

(Now, don't get your granny knickers in a knot! I know this sounds like I am too sensitive to race issues and that blah blah I am going to teach my children to be over sensitive to race etc etc, but it just so happened that the two incidents happened a few days apart. Relax! I am actually very chilled about race issues.  Some of my best friends are white.)

Comments

[cooler*doula]

LMAO

Oh, Adam. That is freakin' priceless.

And as a fellow white South African of similar vintage, I would be right there with you with the sweaty pits. You'd have to have grown up with it to understand...

[Gia]

I have a 5 and 2 year old and have spent much time attempting to help them understand that not every human being is as fortunate as they are. Not an easy task because realizing that not everyone has (all that they do) sort of shakes the foundation of their sense of security a bit but we seem to work through that okay.

Anyway, we do a lot of support/charity work in our local community but I have recently been working with them to understand issues on a more global level as well. This site has helped tremendously. http://www.markmakers.org/default.aspx I think my kids are starting to get it. They always get a gift card for their birthday and at Christmas which they use to buy for other people from the site.

[SheBee]

Oh my lawd. I would have DIED! Adam. He's priceless, honestly.

[Becky]

I've really been enjoying your posts the last couple of days- I think that race is a topic that we should all talk about.

I just got back from a family vacation - it was a bunch of friends and my in-laws. One of our friends is black, and I never really think about it. But on the trip, he was the ONLY black person there - the whole town was white people. Made it seem a little more obvious and I wonder how he felt.

I have to laugh at Adam's innocent comments - think of how much can be changed just through one generation!
:) Becky

[Dayna]

Haha. Some of my best friends are South African so I get, to a small extent, what's going on in your head at these times. Adam, btw, is hilarious and wonderful.

[Rachel]

Oh Adam, you funny, funny, funny child.
I near about spit my gum out when I read that.

[tracey]

Oh, how sweet! I love the innocence of kids.

[Orange]

I would never say you were too sensitive about racial issues. On the contrary—too many people give too little thought to such things.

Sounds like you will be asking your kids (heart pounding, pits sweating) "What do you mean by that?" a lot over the next few years!

Adam and Kate may well have classmates who would say the things they say, but with a different intent. Not all kids are lucky enough to grow up in a home where they're not taught to view others (people of other colors, gays and lesbians, etc.) as inferior or bad.

[Cheryl]

I was at the Children's Hospital with my two sons last week and I realised that it's taken until they are 9 and nearly 8 before they stopped saying stuff like that at the top of their voices. This time I was nudged gently and my oldest whispered in my ear "So what's wrong with that boy? Why is he in a wheelchair and dribbling like that?" Proudest moment of my life to date I think.

I know what you mean about the racial issues, I'm living in Darwin (north Australia) now.

[ame i.]

Darn you, woman! Weeks ago, I deleted around 20 blogs from my favorites and was feeling a bit self-satisfied. Then, when I was reading and minding my own business, I found you. Now you spring Mel on me? I have dusting to do. Later sometime.

[Coral]

Funny, funny, funny!

[Heike]

You know what I find very difficult to understand, is that yes, most white South Africans are appalled by the apartheit system. It sucked, no argument. However, why is it that you "wealthy white people" (your own words) only send your children to the elite private schools where 90% of all children are white, and 100% of all children come from very rich homes? Before the children are even born, their names are put down to ensure that they do not have to go to some "plebby government school".

Surely the best way to show your children that there is no difference between black and white is to send them to a normal government school, where there are kids of all races and all social classes.

The argument that the level of education at government schools is not up to standard is rubbish. The government school that I went to is still on the same level that it was some 20 years ago - probably even better. I have researched some schools, in case we need to return to SA.

Not to attack you, but I think maybe your teachings to your kids about race and social standing are a bit paradox (if you are intending on sending them to an elite private school). Otherwise, just ignore my contribution. By not having your children mix with "normal run of the mill" kids, they will alway be very aware of the difference between black and white and social class.

Both my boys go to a school where 90% of the children are "non-white" (blacks, indians, chinese etc). For them colour has never been an issue. We do not even talk about it because I don't want it to become one. There are more "white" schools here in Zambia, but I chose this school particular for this reason. I want my boys to get a realistic view of the world from the word go.

[Wobs]

The Innocence of Children.... Adam is a gem!

[Kristin]

OMG...Adam is hysterical!

[Tripsmom]

I am a classist - yep - admit it, I don't want my kids to mix with rubbish people AND I DONT CARE IF THEY ARE WHITE, BLACK, PINK PURPLE ETC. Note: I say rubbish NOT poor as money has nothing to do with manners and behaving properly. I am putting my girls into private schooling because I want my girls to mix with a certain calibre of people and hopefully not be stabbed or decapitated at school (and by the way Heike from Zambia the latest violence at a "government" school here in South Africa was white-on-white violence.) Before you bite my head off Heike - I am not saying that all children who go to government schools can't behave normally, I went to a government school. Unfortunately today life is too complicated to take risks, especially where children are concered and if a parent can afford private schooling (and we will be making huge sacrafices to afford this) then why should'nt they. We all have choices, you have yours.

A friend of mine's son goes to a "good government school". She has to buy him new school shoes every 3/4 months as they are stolen. He cannot leave his gym bag unattended - the contents have been stolen twice before. This is building up resentment in her son, not teaching him any lessons of equality or tolerance.

[Tripsmom]

And to add to my last comment above Heike from Zambia. Most people put their children into private schooling because they would prefer 20 children to one teacher and not 33-40.

[Heike]

Dear Tripsmom

Since you felt you had to address my comments, I though I might just respond.

Your post illustrates exactly why the terms "rainbow nation" "reconcilliation" and "everyone is equal" are just an illusion.

I take cognisance of all your points about goverment schools, but then I do ask myself, how do we "get together" as a nation, if the rift between rich and poor becomes greater and greater? It's almost a catch 22 situation, isn't it? How do we teach our children that we are all equal if they do not experience this equality first hand, and on a day to day basis?

[Lisame]

I love you dear! Remember me? The mexican/white gal from Texas, USA that dumped her South African fiancee' because I discovered he was a pigass racist! I must tell you that I think it is wonderful of you to discuss/defend and break away from the apartheid hangover (loverly phrasing btw) that still haunts your beautiful country.

GOOD FOR YOU!

[Yvonne]

Oh I'm LMAO here, hilarious.
And I soooo feel your pain. My 3year old daughter keeps shouting in the middle of VERY busy areas "Mom, why is that black man so dirty?" or "Mom, why is that white girl crying?" Every SINGLE time I just go stiff with shock, and ask very carefully, 'Which man?' (or girl, or whatever), and EVERY TImE it's "The man with the black t-shirt' or the 'girl with the white dress'.

Race sensitive? Never!

[sunshin3girl]

Heh, the witty mum has passed her genes on to her kids too. Much cuteness.

[morgan faulkner]

Bwa-hah-hah-hah-hah!!
Can I have him??!!

Oh, and for the record....what an outstanding example of addressing the race conciousness/children/healing from apartheid/parenting debate, without it being a call to adversarial confrontation from commenters...ahem.
Just an entirely honest, humane and funny example of how so many of us try to get along in our world, doing our level best.
And did you happen to see our next (US) president's ass-kickiing acceptance speech last night?
An Obama Mama

[jade]

You often make me chuckle but this one really made me laugh out loud. Thankyou :)