The Pros and Cons of having another child

(Ok, this post is starting to mess with my mind. I can NOT fix the table or the font so it is going up as is. It is starting to make me cross and we can't have that. Please look past the appalling formatting. EEEKK!  The table is too big to leave like that. I am going to have to do a 'read more' thingy. I know you hate it, but until I've fixed that forking enormous table, it is going to have to do)

This has been weighing on my mind very heavily the last few weeks. I feel as if I am at a point in my life where I need to decide whether to have another child or not.

In a bizarre turn of events, it would appear that having sex with my husband could in fact, lead to pregnancy (you should try it, comes highly recommended!)   I’ve suggested that we cease and desist with immediate effect, but to date he has shown a marked lack of enthusiasm for my suggestion, selfish bastard that he is.

Anyway, the bottom line is that I need to decide whether I am going to leave the factory open and entertain the possibility of another child, or whether to draw a line under that chapter in my life and stick with being a family of four.

I need your advice. I need you to step outside your current situation, and tell me what you really think. I am going to give you all my pros and cons, and I need you to tell me what you would do, if you were me.

Now, I want you to pay careful attention to the following two VERY important safety announcements:

1. What I am about to say is NOT a judgement on you, on your choices, your circumstance or your situation. If I say I feel ABC, it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with me and MY situation. Ok? I’d appreciate the same type of tolerance. Ta.

2. I need you to not think about yourself and how many children YOU have or you would want to have. If you have three kids, saying that I should only have two does NOT mean you don’t love your third child or wish that you could swap him or her for a bucket full of cash and a new car. Got it?

The emergency exits are marked clearly and are being pointed out to you now.

Ok, so that out of the way, lets get to my list. Of course this assumes that I am able to get pregnant again, but you know, it is not even so much about that than about living in that headspace of wanting / not wanting any more.

I’ve done a little spreadsheet because I am a closet nerd. Have a look and tell me what you think.  Now remember, some points are weighted heavier than others and one should not look only at the total number of items under each heading. I’ve listed my ‘for’ and ‘against’ arguments under each headings, with counter arguments for each point, plus counter arguments for each counter argument.

 

                                                   

Go on the   pill	Weighting
I am in   such a good place now (I can get there again) But why risk it?	A
My business is going so well (I   can get there again) Having another child WILL affect the business	A
I   am getting older (does it matter?) It does to me	A
Our life   is finally getting into a great rhythm (It can get there again) It will be   harder on our marriage and our lives	B
It is   getting easier and easier with the kids (so, it can get there again) Three   is harder than two	B
Birth   defects (I will terminate) Imagine how traumatic that will be	B
We don’t   have money (We can make a plan) The cost of living is going up and up. I   can afford two kids, I am not sure we can afford more	B
No more   wondering ‘what if’ (but will I feel sad?) Imagine how lovely it will be   to MOVE ON!	B
No more   miscarriages (They are not so bad, I can handle them) But still, they do suck   quite a lot	B
Everything   caters for a family of four (Not important) 3 kids does make things a   little harder	C
I would   need a bigger car (Not important) Yes, stupid point	C
I would   need a bigger house (Not important) Valid point, we don’t have money for a   bigger house	C

 

                                 

Stay off     the pill	Weighting
The   love is so divine, I could have more (But what if it changes the love I   have   for A&K) It wont change the love, but it might change the   dynamics of our family	A
What if I   have regrets one day (Life is about choice, choice implies giving up     something) And what if, God forbid, something happens to either A or K   (HOW CAN YOU EVEN THINK THAT!)	A
My   children give my life meaning (I am starting to find meaning in other   things too) But what if these other things disappear?	A
I want a   chance at normal, one baby (Perhaps it is time to give up on that. Chalk   it up as something I'll never have)	B
Going on   the pill seems so final (Yes it is, but perhaps you need to draw the line)	B
Will I   miss the thrill of ‘trying’? Can I close that chapter? (I was fine till   the MC)	B
I want to   end on a good note, this feels like infertility wins (Infertility has done     what it’s done. There is no undoing) I think I will always have the   scars, perhaps I should just accept that.	B

I don’t want to stay off the pill and just ‘see what happens’. We’ve seen what happens. I have got pregnant twice. And lost it twice. That pregnant-then-miscarriage thing gets really boring after a while. Plus it feels as if my life has been in limbo for TEN years now. I am keen to make a decision either way. I just wish it was an easy decision to make; it isn’t.

I am leaning towards going on the pill for two main reasons: my life is so great now, that I am really keen to move on and away from that bloody awful part of my life. Only now that I am in such a good place in my life do I realize just how fucking awful it has been for so long. I am, for the first time in a long, long time, starting to find happiness within myself. It feels SO so wonderful to be happy.

Secondly, I am not sure I want to be 40+ with a newborn. I feel terrible saying that because most of my egg donor recipients are 40+ but this is how I feel for ME. If I hadn’t had my children, I would still be trying even if I was 50+

But the one big, big thing that is preventing me from making a certain decision is that I am so scared I will regret it one day. My two children give me so much joy, I am scared I am going to get to 60, 70 etc and think that the only thing of any value in life is children, and be very sorry I didn’t have more.

Right, I need to end this post. I am starting to ramble and the wine is making me feel very melancholy.

So dear friends, what do you think? If you were me, would you be happy with two or would you have another?

A poll for the shy types:

Comments

[june]

go on the pill

[Deanna]

Your whole spreadsheet reads like a pregnancy Rorschach. The responses you're getting say a lot more about the responder than you, I imagine. As for me, I want to be pregnant. I want to have a baby. The catch? I don't want to have a child. Right now, the wanting to start a family is not enough to cancel out the trepidation and lifelong commitment of resources and energy involved with raising a child. And my Tertia Rorschach Spreadsheet says to me that you want to be pregnant, you want to have a baby. But you don't necessarily seem to want to have a third child.

[Jen @ amazingtrips]

For the love of all that is holy, you WANT another baby. Sure, you enjoy what you have, but that doesn't stop you from wanting what you don't have. And why should it?? You needn't feel greedy for wanting to have another child. I want another baby and I already have FOUR. I've said it before and I'll say it again. There is a BABY in your HEART waiting to be born to you. You can feel it just as you can feel the sunlight on your face. I know the feeling. I had it for YEARS.

And THAT is why you can't let this go.

You have been 'round and 'round on this topic. Despite what you might tell all of "us" about "moving on" and "living life with what you have", you are NOT "over it" and you're not going to be "over it" until you TRY, regardless of the spreadsheets and tables that you create. That means: until you either get pregnant and are blessed with a third child ... or ... until you reach a point where pregnancy isn't going to happen. As in, at all. But that is when you will have your answer and not a minute before.

So, with that in mind, stay off the pill. Drink wine. Sleep in as little clothing as possible, every night. Love and enjoy yourself and your life, completely. And wow if it happens ... HOT DAMN. And if it doesn't - don't you know you tried. Oh my dear, how you have tried.

Regarding the other stuff? Maybe you'll need a larger car, but you probably won't need a larger house. Trust me on this. We've got a load of kids squeezed in to a tiny space and it is wonderful. And yes. I'm actually trying to figure out where we can put baby #5. If and when that happens. But I'm certainly not ruling it out. Yet.

[Coral]

You know what Tertia? I think you should try for one year, then make a final decision after the year is up (you will either be preggers or not).

There is no reason to change homes, whatever sex comes along will share a room with one of your twins (or the twins together for a few years until you want the same sex in the same room). You would have bought a new car sooner or later anyway. A third is not necessarily more expensive regarding baby equipment etc, you have hand me downs from the twins in all areas (Of course schooling is another thought).

Go for it - don't feel in three years time that you lost an opportunity for a third one.

[MJM]

T, I saw 1st hand how you have suffered and grieved on your journey to the wonderful place you are currently at. I do not wish that on you again and fear that part of you is still in the desperate mode that needs to try for another child just to prove success again (to yourself). Let it go and give the wonderful family you have, the best you can.....cost of living, accommodation and time management all considered.

[Victoria]

I'm going to go for that sitting-on-the-fence third choice. Since you're really not sure what you want, why not wait and see until you're a little bit more sure? That means: Don't go on the Pill, but don't actively try for another. If it happens, it happens, and you deal, same as anybody else would. If it seems like I'm not taking enough into consideration, well, I'm only 18, so what do I know? :P

[Nicky]

I have not read all the other posts so I do not know if this has been said.
I am 37, have also battled with infertility, and have a 6 and 1 year old. And I KNOW, without a doubt that I DO NOT want any more children. The mere fact that you are even considering this, tells me that you should have another child. You seem to be OK with all the trials and tribulations you are going to experience in trying.
It has been said before, it is a decision only you can make, but my 2c is go for it.

[Peculiar Jane]

This is a big decisions for you. I know people are saying that you will never regret having another child. Once (or if) you have the baby you will be thrilled with whatever life you have. But think about the satndard of living you will be able to maintain if you don't have another.

Jeeze, I don't actually know. Maybe give it a year. Maybe pop the pill. Whatever you do I wish you the best of luck and lots of love.

Oh, and fertility didn't win. You body slamed the bugger the moment you brought two beautiful babies into the world.

[Celeste]

Re your last point: Infertility did not / will not win. Through your blog and your book you have made me a winner. I understand my challenges now. Others now have a better chance of understanding fertility. Infertility did not win – thanks to you it’s just a bump in my journey through life.

[V]

I'm in the same boat. I know you said leave personal circumstances out of it, but that's not possible. I want another baby. DH has recently had the snip. He has a month or so of sperm left in his "system". I'm so tempted to stop contraception and 'see what happens'. DH doesn't want another child. Hell, sometimes I want to run away from the existing two, but the call of a another baby is so damn loud. We can't afford it - financially (or emotionally, for that matter). But darn, if I could figure out a way of making it work, I'd try for another. I can't believe it's just an hormonal thing. It feels like my soul is calling for another child. Is that wrong? Should practicality win over emotion? Or would throwing caution to the wind bring even bigger regrets? Damn, life's decisions can be tricky sometimes! Good luck making yours!

[V]

I think Eggdonor has hit the nail on the head. It is all about your identity and either way you choose will change that in some way. Unfortunately I cannot say much more as it is very difficult to think as if 'in your shoes' as we are all coloured by our experiences. You have always said to me I should have another one and in my heart I would love to but my head tells me not to. For a lot of your reasons. Another guilt thing I feel for not having another one is that I am depriving my son of a living sibling. I know he would love one. It gives me such a pang when I see him with other babies/toddlers. I was fully intending to go off the pill after I turned 40 (my DH was supposed to have gotten fixed by then and I said I would go off whether he did it or not) but I have been enjoying my new shape (lost 7 kgs)and have been thinking of going for a boob job later this year, so I was off the pill for a week, got scared and started again. Still very undecided. Anyway this is all about you, so much for me not saying much. If I was you as far as I can say I think I would go on the pill.

[V]

PS: I am a different V to the one who also just commented that her husband just had the snip!! Two V's commenting at the same time (mine is SA time), coincidence??!!

[Ute]

If I were you... Phew. To me, it definitely sounds like your're not through with this issue by far.

You'll just know when you're really done; you won't need to ask your readers when you really reach that point. But as long as you're doubting and hesitating, the chapter's closed only in your brain (if that), but not in your heart.

[Heike]

Honestly? This is not only YOUR decision to make. From my understanding, Marco does NOT want any more children. He respected YOUR/and HIS wish to have Kate and Adam. Should you not respect HIS wish and say enough now??

My husband definately only wanted two kids. I was on the fence. He won, and he got himself fixed. Do I regret it? No, I respected his wish.

I think this is a decision though that you need to make soon, and then stick to it. And, as I have already said, it is a decision BOTH of you need to be in agreement with.

[vanessa]

Stay off the pill,if it is meant to be it will happen.

[vanessa]

Oops,reading my last statemnt I come across as quite "flippant" and I dont mean to be.A close friend has fallen pregnant after 10 years of trying.I just always believed it would happen if it was meant to.It obviously was.Good luck either way with your decision!!

[Stacey]

Tertia -

Your concerns are all very valid. But, I think you should give it a shot if it's on your mind.

Personal story - I have 4 boys. What a blessing. But #4 was a total surprise after battling IF previously. 2 days before finding out we were expecting him, DH took a massive pay cut. So, we were definitely not in a place where we would have planned #4. But, he's been the sweetest little boy joy ever and I never think of him being a strain on our family at all, even though the circumstances were not the best when he came along. Money, etc, can come with time. But our years to produce children are limited... so if you feel like there's a chance for #3, then go for it :) That's my two cents.

[Robin]

Have another one if you want. After having two girls, I wanted a third and it took two years to convince my husband of that fact. I am now 7 months pregnant and of course, second guessing my need for a third. I had that same need you expressed and know that this one was definitely from God. You see, my husband and I were up against a wall with this choice and we decided to pray about it and see what God says (I was astonished to hear those words from my husband and I agreed.) My prayer was that whatever my husband said as his answer would be what we would do... you see I wanted God to let me know if I was just being hormonal and wanted another one selfishly or if He had a plan in mind. As you know, being pregnant, my husband said yes to having another one! Praise God for that! At 38, I do wonder if I have the same energy to tackle a boy's energy levels this time around! ;-)

[Bridgette]

Try for another. YOu'll always wonder. However, if you intend to send your kids to private schools consider their prices. I currently pay R65000 pa for my son in high school. Maybe you could squeeze that out for 2 kids but 3 kids seems quite excessive. Perhaps research the schools you intend to send A and K to, check out their fees and add on at least a 8% increase pa (usually the inflation rate to cover teacher's salaries).

[ELaine]

Ok I haven't read all the comments and I am sure you got some brilliant advice. and this is coming a bit late.

But my question would be, if you did not have fertility issues, would you want another baby?

And thats as far as my wisdom goes. DOn't know if you can answer it, or if it will be helpful at all, but thats what popped up for me. Good Luck with whatever decision you make.

And just to make it harder for you, My mom had my Little brother 8 years after the other 2 of us. She was shattered when she fell pregs unplanned, and was in a bad state for awhile, but today he is her best friend, and she has admitted her favourite ( nasty mom) And she says her life would not have been the same without him

[catherine illian]

You have been through so much. More than anyone else should have to go through when trying to have children. I would say go for it-- you only have a few more years of it even being a possibility-- and if I were you and didn't try, I would always wonder. I have never heard anyone who had a surprise baby say-- boy I wish we hadn't had that one...

[Tess]

When you are done you know it. There is no question and no longing. If you are wondering you are not done. You will never regret having another baby. You may seriously regret not even trying.

[Lisa]

Why don't you try glucophage and see what happens. According to my RE glucophabe is supposed to reduce the risk of miscarriage for us PCOS gals. Even if you don't get pregnant you are still keeping your PCOS in check and regulating your cycle.

[caro]

Hmmm, speaking (as Krissy did) of getting your tubes tied, it's interesting that that isn't the option you mentioned for "closing this chaper." Instead, the pill, which is nowhere near as final. Does this say something about what you really want to do?

[Dee]

I say GO FOR IT!!!!!

[prosaica]

I chose not to have a fourth child, basically for the reasons you list. Plus, my kids already complain I don't spend enough time with each of them. Your "God forbid" argument was what led me to have a second child, who turned out to be two.

[Kirsten]

First of all, thank you for putting your neurotic psychology online so I could see I'm not the only one with neurotic psychology...and I mean that with the utmost respect. I, too, have a glass of wine in hand, and will attempt to not ramble.

I do recall your mentioning that you'd prefer feedback based on YOUR situation and not anyone else's comparative situation. Hmmm, seems we've got a spot of trouble here, since I find it very difficult to operate outside of my own personal Venn diagram. So I'll keep it short and sweet and convey to you that I am 38, American, and keeping it together (some days better than others) as a stay-at-home mom of an almost 4 and almost 2 year old boy and girl.

I love the fact that you literally made a chart of the pros and cons of having a third; it's so what I would do, and it never ends up getting me where I need to go!

I just want to say this: at the end of your life, bringing a third person into the world is a very personal and intimate process, and frankly, who the hell am I to be telling you what I think? On that note, what the hell am I doing probing the Internet trying to see what other people think about having a third??? It's about my life path, not theirs!

So adieu, sweet Intenet. My life awaits...

[Edith]

I'm happy to hear so many women contemplate on having the third child. I feel our family of four is great right now. With that said, I envision our family with one more, but fear the chaos it will bring. I have a lot more patience then my husband who is an only child. That is a factor. He agrees to another, but i think it's only because I've gone through my insistent stages... I come from a family of four and love having my brothers to interact with. I cannot imaging my life with just one brother..Anyways...good luck with your decision..