But while I don’t believe in living in the past, I do think you can learn an enormous amount from the past experiences of other people, good and bad. I absolutely love reading articles and stories written by older, more experienced people where they reminisce about their lives and share some of the life lessons they have learnt. And as you know, I am not afraid to ask for assvice, opinion and experiences from others. I know some people don’t like it, but I really love it. Why not learn from others? Sure, not all of it will be relevant, not all of it will resonate with me. For every 10 pieces of (often conflicting) assvice I get, I will perhaps only internalise one. But some of those ones that do resonate with me are extremely powerful. My mother is especially brilliant at handing out little gems of advice and past experiences. Especially about marriage and raising children. As someone who has been married for 40 years and who has raised four children (and helped to raise 7 grandchildren), I learn a huge amount of her.
In actual fact, I believe you can learn from just about anyone. Even if it is only to say “that it something I would never do”.
So, with that in mind, I am keen to learn from you. Looking back at last week, last month, last year, the last decade, the past lifetime, what is it that you wished you had done or not done that you would pass on as a piece of advice to others who might follow your path. About marriage, parenting, work, life in general. I am not talking about regrets; I am talking about opportunities to learn.
Here is mine, for what it is worth:
- I wish I had established good eating behaviour in my children right from the start. Fed them a variety of different foods. I wish I had realized that if they refused to eat a meal, they wouldn’t starve.
That would be my one piece of assvice I would pass on to any new parents: establish good eating patterns early on – feed them what you eat or else you will create fussy, painful eaters who refuse to try anything new. Feeding my children (balanced meals) is the absolute BANE of my life.
As for the rest of it, I am still learning all the time!
What do you wish you had done or not done, a piece of assvice that you would pass on to others?
My gran's advice to my mom and then to me.
"Don't be too house proud, nobody ever died wishing they had a cleaner house. Get out and enjoy life"
Needless to say we took her advice to heart!
Posted by: Pamela | 21 May 2008 at 11:22 AM
I wish I had installed good sleeping habits into my girls. Bedtime is a nightmare, i have to lie with them, shout, bribe, etc. before they fall asleep - hopefully without a DVD on. My advice to all new moms - If they are warm, winded and fed, put them down in their cribs and walk away - let them put themselves to sleep.
Posted by: Tripsmom | 21 May 2008 at 11:49 AM
The best advice my own mother ever gave me: "Invest as little as possible in depreciating assets". Everytime I'm tempted to get a fancy car or some other pointless item I repeat it to myself like a little mantra, and it works!
Posted by: mamagenerica | 21 May 2008 at 11:56 AM
A rider in response to Tripsmom: I know all too well what you mean! There was a time our bedtimes were a complete nightmare, everything you describe. This was despite having done all the "right" things in the beginning -- what a lot of the books never tell you is that kids grow and CHANGE and so do their sleeping habits, unfortunately. Parents need guidance through those transition times. We were saved by Elizabeth Pantley's No Cry Sleep Solution books, which I can't recommend highly enough, and The Sleep Fairy CD -- see www.sleepfairy.com. Hope this helps you!
Posted by: mamagenerica | 21 May 2008 at 12:01 PM
I wish that when my mom slowly slipped out of my life that I had tried harder to get her to stay involved. She was always very close to my brother but eventually over the course of 10 years just stopped calling. I would visit but she was alway so unwelcoming that eventually I stopped.
I sent cards, presents, phone cards, cash and plane tickets but she never came to visit and finally I had to send all of those things to my brother as she had moved and I no longer knew where she lived. Can you imagine not knowingly where your mom lives? The last time I spoke to her she called to tell me that her beloved brother had just died. He was only 7 years older than me and I was so shocked that we didn't talk much. She said she would call me back with details of the services. I canceled a trip to Argentina in anticipation of seeing my mom again and reconnecting with her. She never called me back as her brother did not have a service. She moved shortly after that and left no forwarding address. I tried finding her, doing all the computer searches, etc. to no avail. A year later I got a call that my mom had been found dead, alone, across the country from me. She died of the same illness that killed her baby brother and it breaks my heart that for 18 months she knew she was ill, and because of our previous relationship, she didn't want me to take care of her. As a nurse I have taken care of people I don't even like and still consider it a privilege. To be robbed of the opportunity to say goodbye and to spend time with my mom because she didn't want to be a burden just breaks my heart.
So that is what I regret. Not finding her and letting her know that regardless of whatever our differences were we were still family and that that is the most important thing there is. I have incorporated that into my daily life and make it a point to tell my kids and my other family members every time I talk to them that I love them and regardless of what may be going on take the time and effort to call, write, email, send silly cards and little gifts and go out of my way to maintain family ties and friendships.
It won't ever bring my mom back and it doesn't help with the unresolved grief that I feel but I hope that my other family members won't ever doubt how much I care about them.
Posted by: Melissia | 21 May 2008 at 12:41 PM
I regret not toughing it out with foods either. But I'm not sure it would have made a difference. One of mine is very stubborn and just refuses to eat more than about 5 foods. Everyone tells me that if I just ignore it, it will pass. He will eventually try new foods. If I make a fuss, he will never try anything as a way to rebel against me. And I think it's true. The other day he actually tried something new! And instead of just licking it, he actually took a bite. And yesterday his brother ate meatballs! I am so proud. You'd think I was talking about 2-year-olds...nope, they are the same age as yours. The finicky brother has been holding back the non-finicky brother. I have made two meals...one for them and one for us. From now on, we serve one meal and then give extras to the finicky boy if necessary. I think it will work.
Posted by: kathleen999 | 21 May 2008 at 01:35 PM
My assvice would be to live in the present. I spend a lot of time reliving the past and wishing things had been different. I spend a lot of time looking to the future and thinking, "When X happens, then we'll be happy..." When the kids are potty trained, when we're out of debt, when we build a new house, when we don't have to work so many hours.... It just never ends. I have to remind myself every day to live in the present, to be grateful for what I have and what's going on in my life right now, because these are the days (when the kids are young and hilarious, and we're still reasonably young) that we'll look back at fondly when we're old. I try to make sure we'll have lots of good memories to relive.
Amy @ http://prettybabies.blogspot.com
Posted by: Amy | 21 May 2008 at 01:38 PM
I think that anything I write is going to pale into insignificance after the heart wrenching post from Melissa above! (Hugs to you Melissa - you sound like an angel!)
But, heres my 2 cents worth anyway:
2 big wishes:
1.) I wish I hadn't wasted my prime years with one boy! From the ages of 17 - 26, I was with the same (horrible) boyfriend. I wish I could have that time back to go out and enjoy myself with my girlfriends and snog lots of boys!! I made up for it a bit when we finally split up, and before I met my husband - but I wish I had done it more!!
2.) I wish I had been given the opportunity to have an adult relationship with my Dad. He died when I was still a student. I have seen how my relationship has changed with my mum as I have grown up and become a mum myself, and I feel so cheated that I did not get the chance to have the same with my Dad!
Posted by: kirstyphysio | 21 May 2008 at 01:46 PM
I also regret the way I behaved during the 'infertile years'. For about two years I was in a very bad mood, which I inflicted on just about everyone with whom I came into contact. The basic attitude I carried around with me was this: I'm unhappy, everyone else should be too. It jars me to think of how I spoke to my mother, my father, my brother, my sister-in-law and others. I'm not proud of any of it. After listening to Dennis Prager's 'Happiness Hour' via podcast, I'm a changed woman! I just stumbled onto his show by accident and (I know he's not everyone's cup of tea. Politically very conservative), I'm so glad I did. One of his mottos is that we have a moral obligation to ourselves and to others to be happy, or if that's going to be difficult, to at least act as happy as we possibly can. That might sound absurd to some, i.e an inauthentic way to express one's emotions, but then body odour is 'authentic' and most of us don't go around inflicting that on other people. Anyway, I don't want this to sound like an advertisement for his show. I do wish I'd come across his show earlier. It might have made my infertility travels a bit easier.
Posted by: Simone | 21 May 2008 at 02:18 PM
Longtime reader here delurking to tell of my major regret in life. I regret taking $50,000 in private student loans. Now that I am done with school, I have a total of $90,000 in student loans. The other $30,000 being federal student loans. I must pay $900 per month for 20 years for a liberal studies degree. I must pay this money. It is not dischargeable in a bankruptcy, and they will get their money even if they have to take your social security when you get old. I will be spending my late twenties and thirties trying to pay these off early. FUN TIMES!
Posted by: Miranda | 21 May 2008 at 02:21 PM
I wish I had saved a little more for retirement before having kids. And I wish I had gone to journalism school, although it's worked out fine without.
Posted by: Shandra | 21 May 2008 at 02:45 PM
Just as a sidenote on your assvice, the best piece of advice I ever got on the subject of eating was to balance the day, not the meal. It's such a relief to be able to let the girls eat what they want at dinner, but to be able to dictate some rounding in their snacks. Juniper will eat all her potatoes, but none of her veg. Rosebud will eat all of her chicken, none of her potatoes and some of her veg.
Their snacks vary accordingly. In the end, it works out.
As for me? Hmmm. Distilling what I wish I knew then into one sentence now would be hard. How about a handful?
The first three months of your child's life will cause you to doubt your sanity when you chose to procreate.
Marriage is hard. Parenting makes marriage infinitely harder.
Yes, it is your job to have sex with your partner. It really is. Hopefully, it's not a painful task.
You deserve to be happy (yes, you!). You need to have things that are yours in order to be able to give back to the people you love.
You rarely get closure, or evidence/confirmation that you were right when it comes to love and adult relationships. Standing up for yourself is a lot like the leap of faith you take when you believe in a higher power. Faced with no solid proof, and the disbelief of those around you, choosing to believe (in yourself, in this case) anyway is a powerful act.
Everything is a leap of faith. And when your leap doesn't work out, it doesn't mean you get to stop. It means you have to reaffirm your commitment to taking the leap again.
Posted by: Wyliekat | 21 May 2008 at 03:19 PM
I wish that I had a proper opportunity to say goodbye to my Mum before the Alzheimers got too bad. By the time the diagnosis was confirmed, she wasn't able to register. I wish I could have told her that I'm sorry for being a stupid teenager, and that I valued her input, which has helped me become a better adult. I do tell her that I love her now, but the person she was is no longer home.
That said: Assvice: Don't put off telling people you love them, resolve old issues. Life is too short to drift around as if we are immortal and alone.
Posted by: Scott | 21 May 2008 at 03:25 PM
What a great, soul-cleansing set of comments. Melissia's story is such a sad one - we should all take her advice to heart. Thank you for sharing, Melissia.
My biggest regret (and for me it is a regret - I wish I had done things differently) is similar to kristyphysio's #1 above - wasting too many years on men that weren't worth that much of my time. I spent 3 1/2 years with one and 3 years with another - encompassing nearly 7 years of my life, all my early and mid-20's - with men that I should have *known* it eventually would not work out with, because they were not in good places in their own lives, and treated me in a way that no woman deserves to be treated. I regret that I did not think more highly of myself, and have more confidence that I would be OK without them. I regret that I spent those years clinging to damaging relationships rather than doing something fun and positive. I feared that if I broke up, I would never have a man love me again - so I hung on to something pathetic until it eventually did collapse, both times. Such a waste of my time and energy.
Posted by: Andrea | 21 May 2008 at 03:32 PM
The thing I learned from my one and only (but huge) regret is to have faith. When the future seems terrifying and I am grasping at uncontrollable things in the hopes of controlling them, stop. Just have faith that things will be ok eventually.
Without getting too lordy, I put (or should, I'm still working on it) that faith in God (mostly so I have someone to cry to) but if God isn't your thing, it still works. It may feel a little like freefalling but you just have to believe you'll eventually land in a soft place.
I don't know if it makes any sense without knowing the regret or my penchant for freaking out plus my fear of change of any kind. I just know if I had followed this advice, I could have stopped myself from making a life changing mistake.
Posted by: Em | 21 May 2008 at 03:49 PM
Mine is for single parents....
Don't over compensate, enjoy every second of being a parent that doesn't have to take care of a significant other and never has someone second guess her decisions. Don't keep on thinking what you don't have because you won't see what you do have.
Don't feel lucky someone is "willing" to be in your life and deal with your baggage, see it as such an honour for them that you are willing to allow them into your precious family and share in the life of your child. (Carina told me that and it changed my dating life)
Be a parent 1st and a friend second.
Posted by: Sister Mel | 21 May 2008 at 04:31 PM
If something needs to be done your way (with the kids, around the house, etc.), do it yourself; otherwise be thankful that your partner did it at all!
Posted by: mel | 21 May 2008 at 04:51 PM
If something needs to be done your way (with the kids, around the house, etc.), do it yourself; otherwise be thankful that your partner did it at all!
Posted by: mel | 21 May 2008 at 04:51 PM
I'm with the live in the moment bunch. I think more than a regret, my biggest fear is wishing my life away. Same as someone above said, you can so easily wait to be happy, wait to be content. Don't always assume that life will be easier/better when you reach a certain milestone: kids walking/talking/potty trained, better home/car/things, out of debt, having more savings, working less, etc.
If you live in the now, make the most of every day no matter how little time you have, you will find contentment now.
I have always thought that once I got through whereever I was at (one hard time or another) things would get easier, I'd be happier.
So not true! There is always something in life that is not perfect, right? So why now enjoy right where I'm at.
Posted by: Kelli | 21 May 2008 at 04:53 PM
Pick the few most important things to you - such as NO DRUGS, NO DRINKING, NO TALKING BACK, NO HURTING OTHER PEOPLE, NO HURTING YOURSELF - and focus on those when correcting your children. Let the other stuff go.
Posted by: Charlise | 21 May 2008 at 04:54 PM
Here are two little gems from my own life. I hope you have some readers young enough (or at least single enough) to benefit from them.
By all means, move cross country for a guy you barely know and leave behind all your family and friends and the only home you've ever known. Do it. If you don't, you'll always wonder "what if". But, whatever you do, learn from my experience and don't bring all your stuff with you. You can always go back for it later.
And if the relationship doesn't work out, do not say "I'll never again date a guy who [insert trait here]." In my case, it was, "I'll never date a guy who is 7+ years younger than I ever again." My DH is very close in age to my cross-country boy and almost 12 years later we are quite happy, thank you very much.
Posted by: Chicago | 21 May 2008 at 04:59 PM
I love your advice. I'm learning this, also thanks to Jon & Kate + 8 (reality show in the States). I tell my 2-year-old son (when he eats 2 bits of chicken, a bite of broccoli and announces he's finished), "Okay, you can eat breakfast tomorrow!" If he wants a cookie or a cracker I tell him he can have it - WHEN he finishes his dinner first.
The best advice I received before I married (and give to everyone who's getting married) came from my Aunt:
"Many people go into a marriage thinking everything is 50/50. If you and your husband give all you do 100%, then you'll never feel short changed."
It's worked for our marriage, I hope it works for everyone else. Great post, Tertia. Hope you're feeling well.
Posted by: Anna | 21 May 2008 at 05:24 PM
I also am not a 'regretting' kind of person. I try to live in the now and move towards the future rather than away from the past. I once wrote for a high school yearbook that sometimes I wonder where I might be if I had done things differently but I would not give up where I am now to go back and try over again.
So I am not going to talk about 'regrets'. I am going to talk about 'what ifs.'
These are the things I wonder about:
1) What if I had finished college in 4 years (or 6 or whatever), instead of the nearly 20 years it took me.
2) What if I had not wasted so much time on men that eventually ended (no ring/committment after 3 years then I'm walkin')
3) What if I had had children at a younger age (see #2)
Again, I would not give up what I have now to go back and do things again, but sometimes I wonder...(*cue music and fade away*)
Posted by: sheilah | 21 May 2008 at 05:35 PM
As a parent, I wish I had approached bedtime differently. But that said, my daughter is harder to put to bed than my son and I used the same methods on both.
I wish I had made myself join, follow-through and stick with a mom's group when I was a first time mom. And now pregnant with #3, I should learn from my own regrets.
Posted by: Sarah | 21 May 2008 at 06:17 PM
I've learnt that forgiveness (giving it and asking for it) is a sign of strength not weakness. It's also sometimes necessary so that you can "let go" - but then both sides have to be willing... I've also learnt that being a Mom is the hardest job of all - there are no preparations and no instruction manual and you just have to do your best, with what you have at that specific time. I've also learnt that CHANGE is hard, so is rejection and that I shouldn't take it personally.
Posted by: Wobs | 21 May 2008 at 06:27 PM
Life is full of surprises, enjoy every second of your health and that of those around you. Really, in the end nothing matters more--recently my husbands grandparents passed away, living a combined 180 years. It was such a realization to me to see 50% of their belongings tossed into garbage bags, the other 50% given to people who they had never met. It was their life, not their material objects that held meaning. The "things" all meant nothing in the end.
Love living, be good to those you love, do some things outside the box...and smile!
Posted by: Rachel | 21 May 2008 at 06:47 PM
I wish that I had started trying for a baby before everything in my life was where I thought it should be. When you are young you think conceiving a baby will be the easiest thing in the world but, obviously, that isn't the case for all of us.
Posted by: Rebecca | 21 May 2008 at 06:49 PM
If it makes you feel any better, I do feed my twins what we eat and if they don't eat it, they don't get anything else. Everything you wished you did.
I have one that will eat anything I put in front of him, try new things, etc....and one who won't, will only eat fruit and bread and eggs, and refuses to try anything new and often skips dinner because of it.
So don't regret it, you may have ended up with the same outcome either way :)
Posted by: Jenn | 21 May 2008 at 07:16 PM
1. Tell your children what you WANT them to do as opposed to what NOT to do. One of my goals as a parent is to convey more positive messages (including discipline, direction and guidance), than negative.
2. Love my kitchen timer, often IT (not me) is the bad guy in our house for determining bedtime or turning off the TV time, etc...
3. Give specific praise as opposed to global--'you're so smart, cute, etc'. This one is not entirely natural, but i try to incorporate it along with simply noticing behaviors as opposed to always congratulating them. The idea here is that the kid learns to draw the conclusion of how clever he is, rather than becoming a praise whore.
4. Give lots of choices to those independance seeking toddlers. Gives them some control of their little world. Obviously the parent has to be satisfied with either choice the kid makes. I firmly believe it has cut the tantrum factor in our home.
5. Routine, routine, routine
6. Acknowledge their feelings, help them articulate
Thanks, this turned into a bit of an exercise to quantify my own values and priorities as a parent.
As far as looking back on my own life's history, there are many things that I might choose differently, but the fact remains that I was doing the best I could at learning whatever I needed to learn at that particular point in time, no matter how pathetic it may seem now. My hope, as a parent, is that I instill a few things that might make my son's journey a little easier--sooner rather than later.
Posted by: Steph | 21 May 2008 at 07:33 PM
Great post!
I wish I had had more self confidence ... and I do not mean to say that I am a shrinking violet by any means. But when I look back on my life so far and various challenges I've had with work or with men, I see now that they often stemmed from me not having a clear enough conviction of how worthy I was. Interesting how so many of us here have talked about regretting spending time with certain men. I think we are all capable of so much and often the reason we don't attain it is because we get in our own ways.
I also wish I had learned earlier the value of living in the moment. That is just so true! Does anyone learn this at a young age?
And, in the spirit of living in the moment, I regret any trip I did not take, any adventure I passed on. I've taken plenty of trips, of course, but now I see I was silly to pass on that trip to Italy when I was 26 (and have to wait til I was 36) because I felt a bit strapped at the moment. I say this, of course, as a pretty responsible gainfully employed person. I just don't think money is something to worry about. It is something to be enjoyed.
A friend of mine said that she realized after her brother died (very young) that there were only two things in life in finite supply: time and health. As for money, you can always get some more.
Posted by: Andrea | 21 May 2008 at 07:41 PM
Enjoy what you do have and don't always be striving to get a bigger home, better car, more vacations, etc.
As any mother can attest, kids grow way too fast. Enjoy every second of them because before long they'll be grown and out of the house.
Posted by: Beret | 21 May 2008 at 08:35 PM
I wish I had established better sleeping habits for my children. They are now 9 and 11 and the little one still comes in my bed every night and they need a lot of help to go to sleep. I have many things I wish I had done differently but this by far is biggest! Nine years of sleeping with a large newborn, what was I thinking?
Posted by: Kim | 21 May 2008 at 08:48 PM
... gotten married younger. Then maybe the infertility thing wouldn't have happened, and wouldn't have destroyed me for so long. And maybe I'd have more than one hard-won kid.
Posted by: kristylynne | 21 May 2008 at 09:38 PM
I wish I had buckled down and lost the first 10 unwanted pounds I gained four years ago. Because 10 turned into 20 and I ended up at 50. Now I'm going to end up spending the better part of a year on a diet (If I don't falter!) whereas if I acted earlier, I'd have dieted 2 months tops and had an early-thirties metabolism to work with instead of a mid-thirties metabolism.
Posted by: Kimberly | 21 May 2008 at 09:53 PM
Best advice I was ever given was from a dear friend who works high up The Reserve Bank.... 'always have a ^%#%! You Fund, that way when you get fed up with something (job, partner etc) you have enough money of your own to change your life'. Worked well for me as I always felt like I had options if a contract role just wasn't working out.
Posted by: Macca | 21 May 2008 at 11:19 PM
Regrets and emphases of things I could have done better at:
Don't even touch your pimples.
Insisted, at 16, that there must be some way we could afford to take me to a dermatologist. (Decades ago when insurance did not cover it in U.S.)
Not had sex when I was 16 and waited until at least 22.
Started putting aside money for retirement, even just a little, earlier in life.
Called my mother in the evening, as I had planned but forgot, an hour before she had a fatal stroke.
Exercise every day. A half hour can raise your seratonin levels as much as 20 mg of anti-depressant.
Trust your gut.
Recognize and acknowledge your anger, but never act or speak in anger or extreme emotion in a professional or public situation -- you only lose power.
Let nastiness and unfair criticism from others just roll off your back.
Shyness is a mask for hypercriticism, of onesself and others. Recognize it.
What "goes around" really does "come around," often when you least expect it.
"No one can make you feel inferior without your permission."(Eleanor Roosevelt)
Posted by: Jan | 21 May 2008 at 11:47 PM
I wish I had never spanked my children. I've done enough babysitting to know (now) that you can discipline without hitting.
Posted by: Donna W | 22 May 2008 at 02:06 AM
I wish I had made them all learn to play an instrument and stick with it for a couple of years. Music is a great thing and even if you don't do anything with your lessons it's nice to know you can make music if you want.
Posted by: 21stCenturyMom | 22 May 2008 at 02:25 AM
Well, I think I've lucked into having a pretty easy kid, so this may not be a good rule in general, but my current thinking is, "Don't make into problems, things that you don't find to be problems." That is, don't worry about the parenting advice (beyond the serious safety stuff), if you have a system in place that's working for you and your kid(s).
If I regret that 10 years from now, I'll come back and let everyone know!
Posted by: Alex | 22 May 2008 at 04:14 AM
I live in a perpetual state of self-evaluation, it’s in my nature and rather painful, I wish I can do less of that…anyhow, the benefit of this is that I am rather self aware and full of sagely advice which I would really benefit from if I could actually LIVE my own assvice. I unfortunately have not walked the road of parenthood, but I have lived THROUGH it. My assvice re parenthood is that that memories are BIG, there is no replacement for fond memory, and what today may seem like a lot of hard work and effort (baking a birthday cake, organising a road trip etc.) tomorrow becomes the gems of memory that cannot be bought with any amount of money. Utilise the critical window of opportunity to bond with your child/children, once it’s gone it cannot be brought back with any amount of money or effort. When it’s gone, it’s gone. Invest in the present, reap in the future. Goes hand in hand with everybody else’s live in the moment assvice. Creation only takes place in the present, when you live in the past or future you stagnate and become like a foul pool of stinky water. (ala Dr. Demartini)
Posted by: Bugged | 22 May 2008 at 05:28 AM
I wish I hadn't allowed my family to fall apart like it did. My siblings don't speak to each other, my father died and his obituary didn't mention his daughters, my mother lives all alone in Arizona someplace, like Melissa I don't know where. It's been 38 years since my family fractured, my kids now have no cousins or grandparents or any relations whatsoever because it just all crashed and burned. I always think I could have done something, but the truth is, I don't think anything could have changed the insanity that is my family. But I feel like I've deprived my kids from having any family because of it.
Posted by: margalit | 22 May 2008 at 06:59 AM
I wish I relied on my own parenting skills and instincts from the second that my son was born. I tried breastfeeding but it just never really worked. With my second child I decided long before I will do what I feel is best, and to hell with other so called "caring advisers".
My son is almost three, he eats a complete traditional meal at daycare everyday, but refuses to eat anything but Purity at home. It made me almost go crazy, then I decided, WHAT THE HELL AM I ON ABOUT???
He eats, he sleeos, everybody's happy!
Posted by: Me | 22 May 2008 at 11:23 AM
choose your battles.
be willing to admit to your kids when you've made a mistake.
when choosing a discipline, don't choose one that is going to make you more upset with them than you already are.
Posted by: tess | 22 May 2008 at 01:21 PM
I agree that live in the present is the best assvice - too soon you look back and the time has slipped away never to come back.
I wish I had had more fun in my 20s and not worked so hard. My managers did not know I was working all those hours. What was I trying to prove. I wish I travelled more with DH before having kids when we were both working. I wish we had saved more and bought less "things".
But most important I wish I had stuck with my 'gut" on health issues and insisted that the doctors check my cervix, check my son's head and not waited as long as I did.
Posted by: Lauren | 22 May 2008 at 07:16 PM
I have learnt that a fantastic toddler eater can become a pain in the arse teenager eater, anyway. Maybe there's a 'pride comes before a fall' message in there somewhere, because I confess I would have *thought* many times how damned fantastic a parent I was because my kid ate so well compared to others. Haha... it's all falling apart the older she gets... So take some comfort there!!
Posted by: Tracey | 23 May 2008 at 01:55 AM
Several of my friends have told me to make my marriage a priority even after the kids come along. Hard to do, but really, really important.
I feel like I did the eating and sleeping thing well with our girls (3 yo twins) but I waited WAY to long to start potty-training and it is a bit of a disaster thus far. I'm going to take my own advice and start sooner with child #3 . . .
Posted by: Elizabeth | 23 May 2008 at 04:50 AM
I wish I would have made the decision to adopt before we ever knew we were infertile. It's been the most amazing experience of my life! I'm so thankful/blessed/lucky that infertility led us to our daughter. I cringe at the thought that IVF might have worked and we would have never met Ava. (Not that our biological child wouldn't be as amazing, but I'm not sure we would have adopted if we had a biological child first.)
Posted by: Diana | 23 May 2008 at 05:52 AM
I learned to never think you have any idea how your life will go.
I spent a lot of (very worthwhile) time in therapy trying to undo a nasty childhood. I graduated assuming I could have a "normal" life. You know, marriage, 2.6 kids, dog, house, etc. I earned a master's degree in something I truly love so obviously that would be part of my life for 30 years. I would attend church, volunteer, etc.
Instead during my last 6 months of grad school I began to have symptoms of bipolar disorder. Two years later, after it got quite severe, I finally was diagnosed. I was so sure I couldn't have THAT, after all I am a mental health professional. Plus I had done my time in the hard life school.
Not only did I have it but it was severe and didn't respond to treatment for almost 6 years.
On a recent job interview I was asked where I see myself in 5 years. I told them a few career goals, but I also refused to answer, because I don't predict what life will be like so far in the distance.
Everyone has an equal shot at having tragedy happen to them.
Posted by: Just Me | 23 May 2008 at 05:58 AM
I wish I had been more diligent about using sunblock. Growing up, I was more diligent than anyone else I knew. I was the only kid, and then the only teen, who NEVER lay out in the sun, who always used sunblock before a day at the beach. But I still sustained a lot of sun damage. When I was in my twenties and early thirties, I used to get tons of compliments on my perfect skin. No more. I'm in the process of having some painful photofacials done, but of course there's nothing like prevention.
Posted by: victoria | 23 May 2008 at 07:16 PM
Live each day to it's fullest as tomorrow might never ever be yours! Love with all that have! Tell people today how much u love them and care for them! Don't wait till they die; they can't read their own obituraries! Life is a journey, not a destination!!!!
Posted by: Karyn | 24 May 2008 at 01:13 PM
I wish:
1. I had ignored my family's "expert opinion" the time my son was sick. I waited 24 hrs before taking him to the doctor. I should have trusted my gut. He had pneumonia and spent 4 days in the hospital. To this day, I don't think I've forgiven myself for that.
2. That I had never gone back to work after maternity leave. At the time, I thought we couldn't manage on one income. Looking back, we could have.
3. I had also tried harder to get my son to eat a wider variety of foods. At age 5, he won't eat anything you can't dip in ketchup.
4. I had more will-power at bedtime. He won't go to sleep without me next to him. I wake up at 3am with a horrible neck-ache and kick myself for not teaching better bedtime habits.
Great post!
Posted by: Super B's Mom | 25 May 2008 at 04:12 PM
I regret working my ass off in University to get a first class degree and not going out with the other students and living it up. Since leaving Uni and being in employed, not ONE employer has ever asked me the level of my degree. I had a degree and that was enough. So annoying!!
Posted by: Debbie in the UK | 25 May 2008 at 06:34 PM
Sister Mel, please write more on your experience as single parent and as a single mom who raised a son.
Posted by: azlin | 26 May 2008 at 12:36 PM
squizzing through some of the comments, it would seem my assvice/buttwipe is similar to many other readers. somehow this question has stayed with me for days - long enough to make me come back and add my tp, i mean 2p.
i've spent so much time living "as if"... as if this is not my "real life", as if i'm just marking time till i'll be happy, lose those 20 lbs, win the oscar, whatever.
i've seriously contemplated tattooing an x on my ankle,(like those x's on mall-maps) to remind myself that x marks the spot. you are here. i've lost so many loved ones recently that my advice, mainly to myself (and i need constant reminding)is to live each moment as if it could be the last, because it could be.
Posted by: sass | 26 May 2008 at 03:19 PM
i regret thinking that if i was truly commited and loyal to the company i work for that i would be rewarded. If i stoped thinking about the "childish" things that would get me "no were" like painting, poetry writting etc to the degree that i dont know how to do any of these things anymore! I will be successful! I instead have started to quickly move - BACKWARDS!!
i now wish that i had made an efffort to study my chosen career or at least leave the bank no thinking that i would get "no were" if i left. Im nowere and i stayed!
Posted by: Mizasiwa | 27 May 2008 at 11:32 AM
If you try on a pair of shoes you like, and think you might be able to afford them, BUY THEM! Don't think about it then go back only to find they are gone. "Carpe Shoem" has been my motto for many years now.
Posted by: Dreamer Mom | 28 May 2008 at 03:50 AM