The mental connection

For the handful of nasty troll-like comments and emails I occasionally get, I get many, many more wonderful comments and notes from people from all walks of life. It is so affirming, and it makes me feel so connected to the people who read my blog. I love them all, but there are some people with whom I feel a very strong connection.

I got one of those emails recently from a woman who said that she had been through a really tough time lately, having been through in her words “what is loosely and incorrectly called a 'breakdown'. She writes (so beautifully) “Your trials and travails, joys and disappointments, have been a solace, a source of empathy and have offered a 'connection', no matter how remote. Thank you for walking (unknowingly) beside me.”

What a gorgeous email! Aren’t those just the most wonderful words?

And you know, I totally get what she was saying. I emailed her back to say that isn’t it strange how we feel such a strong connection to others who seem to have walked a similar road to ours, who seem to have the same type of ‘mental issues’ we have.

Like with my stalker / impostor. So many people berated her, calling her ‘mentally disturbed’, which perhaps she is/was, but I couldn’t help but feel sorry for her. As I only half-jokingly said to my sister, as a “mentally disturbed” person myself, I can’t help feel sorry for her. I don’t agree with what she did and I certainly don’t ever want to hear from her again, but I don’t hate her, I just feel sorry for her.

Not that I am ‘mentally disturbed’ of course! Look how sane I am! *evil grin*

I think that unless you have been close to that place, whether it be depression, anxiety, having a breakdown, being ‘mentally disturbed’ or whatever, it might be difficult to understand what it feels like. No one chooses to be ‘mentally disturbed’, or depressed etc. It is a horrible place to be. It doesn’t excuse your actions or exonerate you from your wrong-doings, but I understand.

And like it was with infertility, there seems to be a kinship with those who have or are suffering from mental maladies. There seems to be a special place of understanding, a connection. Oh look, there is someone who also doesn’t always have their shit together either. Perhaps being ‘abnormal’ in a ‘normal’ world (what is ‘normal’ anyway) creates a bond, a sense of shared understanding.

And isn’t it funny how, like with my infertility, I have chosen to be totally public about my (depression / anxiety / anal tendencies / paranoia / therapy / antidepressants / SID / general craziness) when so many chose to be private about it. I wonder why I am like that. I suppose, like with infertility, I am not ashamed or embarrassed of who I am, how I am made up. You either like me as I am, or you don’t. No apologies, no shame. This is me, warts and all. I quite like me, useless ovaries and crazy mind aside ;-)

To all the manic depressives, bipolars, OCD’s and anal, control-freak mentally disturbed infertiles out there, I love you!

Comments

[Jeanne]

I read thisin March issue of Natural Living (what a great mag - I just "discovered" it!)

"Blessed are the broken, for they allow the light to shine through" ANON

[Jeanne]

I'm on a roll with this, hope that's ok:

Everyday Word Gems http://wisdomgems.tumblr.com/

March 2, 2008

“ Young men, nevah, nevah, nevah give up.
Wiston Churchill

(“When Mr. Churchchill was a student, the headmaster had told him how hopelessly dumb and trifling he was, and then, years later, when he was prime minister and had written the history of the English-speaking people, they invited him back to address a graduating class. They anticipated one of his brilliant and lengthy speeches, and that’s the entire text of what he told them,” as told by a character, Cynthia, in Jan Karon, A Light in the Window (Penguin Book, 1995, p. 77) 6 days ago
March 1, 2008

[Jelly]

We are a household of whackos. My kids have anxiety issues, sensory issues and OCD. I have been through depression, anxiety and a few other things. Some days our place is like a mental insitution but goddamit we are a hilarious bunch and life is never boring. My kids both pace the floor as a release and one day they were both doing it at the same time but kept bumping into each other. Now that made me laugh! And my son taking crayons to be and explaining to me that sometimes they are naughty and try to run away at night, but he keeps an eye on them.

[redsaid]

Right back at ya, sister! :-)

[Enna]

I guess we are all broken beings, it's how we choose to be whole is how we live our lives.

[Amy]

There is no such thing as normal. Normal people would be so boring. Everyone is weird. Everyone. The sooner you learn this truth, the easier it becomes to accept your own weirdness.

Some of us hide our weirdness better than others, but we're all weird.

Amy @ http://prettybabies.blogspot.com

[Amanda]

My husband and I are a bit more private in our "real" life. It's easy to be open on the internet, with a group of friends like this - you get to know them first, you see their openness and their light, and you become pretty sure you won't be attacked for your choices. But my husband has generalized anxiety and panic disorders with a side of depression thrown in for flavor. Outside the computer, people have been rude about it. "Friends" at work couldn't respect it ("Why do you LET these things get to you?" "It's nothing to worry about." "Just stop thinking about it."), nor could they respect his triggers. One friend in particular, whom we dearly loved, would inevitably bring up a trigger every single time we had dinner with him and his wife. But inside the computer, he is embraced for all his flaws and his disorders get the respect they deserve. And with our new obstructive azoospermia diagnosis... Only my family and a couple very close friends know about it. I'm not ready for the whole town to know I'll be cycling in July. I'm not ready for the rude questions and the "Why don't you just adopt?" bullshit. But again, inside the computer, everyone knows.

And for the record, I quite like you too. Rock on, Tertia.

[Denise]

THANK YOU for being an infertile mental-case ... just like me! Just like a lot of other confused, hurting women out there. We'll all someday learn that we don't have to hide, eh?

XoXoXoXoXo

[Wenchy]

You make 100% sense in what you wrote.

[HappyGrl]

We feel a connection to you not only because of our shared struggles - but because you are talented in describing and expressing them. You have often put my thoughts and feelings into words for me when I have been unable to unravel them myself. THANK YOU!

I come from a family where we never talk about anything and everyone pretends everything is alright. The quickest way to find yourself alone is to show you're not alright. If I wrote a blog like yours my family would pretend it doesn't exist and would avoid me. The classic laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and you cry alone. Perhaps it is easier to be totally open when you know that your family loves you warts and all?

[Beth]

And we love you too!

[JenC]

Right back at ya!

[Kez]

This bipolar chicky loves you right back Tertia.

[Kez]

Also Jeanne, I love that quote so much I might just get it tattooed on me somewhere!!

[Sandi]

You are so real and that is what keeps people walking along side of you. :)

What a beautiful comment and a wonderful way with words!!!

[Aurelia]

I get it completely. I feel very sorry for some people too, and hate that they get the label---and yet here I am, dealing with loads of mental issues. I understand when they fall apart, because I've been there. I am very glad you can be open about it, you must have a very understanding employer!

I try to be open about it, but it sort of depends on the audience. Some family and close friends yes, the internet, sure, but in my own name, dealing with jobs or professional stuff, a lot of them just don't get it. Kind of sad actually. So I have to quiet about it there.

[A]

I never consciously thought about it before, but I suppose one of the reasons I love your blog so much is that I the "depression / anxiety / anal tendencies / paranoia / therapy / antidepressants / SID / general craziness" because that's me too! And it's good to hear someone else's stories.. It makes me feel more "sane" than anything else does.

[Maritza]

O! rrriigght...you mean like...it's not just me?

Getting that very fuzzy...'I'm not the only crazy one' feeling...

Lovely....

[kirstyphysio]

Actually - I have not much in common with you, i.t.o infertility or depression. I am more fertile than you care to know about, and I have, so far, never suffered from depression. Yet, I somehow feel such a connection with you!I think it's from the openness and wisdom of your writing! Your writing has helped me, help 2 dear friends and my sister -in-law cope with infertility. I am one of those fertiles, who "get's it"
The only common ground I can find with you, Tertia, is that we are both south african chicks!! And I miss SA!! So - I'm doing something about it! I arrive back in SA (for good) in July - with my very english hubby, and 3 british born children in tow!! Every one else seems to be "packing for Perth", and I'm coming home!
Pleas wish us all well with our new adventure, and please - let my pommy man settle in SA!

[JJ]

We love ya back=) Thanks for all you do!

[June]

From the one complete neurotic let-it-all-hang-out- on-the-web to another, thanks for blogging and the shout out to all your fellow crazies. Tertia, you are an inspiration (or at least a guilty pleasure).

[Just Me]

Hmmm, I just was every single one of those things at the end. Most by proven diagnosis. Maybe we're twins?:) (not so much)

Your blog was the first one I ever read. I started purely by chance the same week as your transfer with Kate and Adam. I'm so glad, because as I've written my own blog it's gone from my original plan of more of an essay format to discussions of my current kidney problems that resulted in a 24 hour urine collection showing I pee 5 times more than usual. And I'm glad I can write that way now.

[Cat]

This infertile mental case adores you! I'm so glad I found your blog.

[Corlea]

Hi Tertia,

Your blog has been such an inspiration for a long time. Started reading when I had trouble to fall pregnant after my first baby girl. My long awaited second baby ( a daughter called Marsanne) died in a car crash in December. Our family was on our way to do christmas shopping. Slid on a wet road. Daugter (3years) strapped in and didn`t get hurt. Husband had to have shoulder replacement, broke both arms, nose, sinusses and more. I was 35 weeks pregnant. Marsanne made it to the hospital but not to the delivery room. So close...but very far. Keep on encouraging and being you. You put a smile on my face a lot!! Love and huggs.

[Krissy Poopyhands]

I have two personalities and we both like you. :-)

[Heather]

Reading your posts and all these comments makes me feel like there are a lot of us mentally imbalanced infertiles. I've loved reading your blog for years because of how honest you are. Don't ever stop! (Not that you ever would)

[Jennifer (Et Tu?)]

"Like with my stalker / impostor. So many people berated her, calling her ‘mentally disturbed’, which perhaps she is/was, but I couldn’t help but feel sorry for her."

What a beautiful, kind response, Tertia.

A while back I had a somewhat similar situation on my blog, a person who seemed to have made it her mission in life to say as many terrible things as possible about me and my blog. Her use of scathing criticism coupled with hair-curling profanity was downright creative. For a long time I was angry about it, and one time I was tempted to write some response like, "Hey! You need to remember that there's a REAL PERSON behind this blog!" ...But then I realized, there's a real person behind her comments too. She's not a "troll" or just some faceless commenter, she's a real person, a real person who's obviously in a whole lot of pain, and probably has a lot of things about her that I could relate to.

Anyway, I wish I'd had your level of kindness and insight when it first started happening. Thanks for a lovely post!

[Online pharmacy]

What a gorgeous email! Aren’t those just the most wonderful words?