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Ben will forever be remembered by every one in cyber space - you have made sure of that. His memory site on the internet is public.
His ashes are yours. Private and unseen to all. Do what you feel is best with them - it is your own private decision to make. Please don't feel you have to please anybody by doing something with them. If you want to keep them in a box and close to your heart forever, then do it!!

I hear you about the morgue. My son was stillborn and I wasn't ready to bring him home that day. The bitch of a midwife who was at his delivery promised me he would rest in the birthing room until we came to bring him home the next day.

We got to the hospital with the Moses basket and he was in the morgue. She promised me that no matter what he would not be put there. If she had been honest, I would have taken him home. She told me off for upsetting the other mothers by crying in the hallway.

Kinda never forgiven her for that.

His ashes were spread in a rose garden about 2 months later because it felt right. If it felt right for him to be with me as ashes, he'd be right here. There's no one right way and we all are finding our way in the dark.

I am a vet. and when I euthanized my cat I planned on burying her as soon as the ground thawed. Six months later she was still in the freezer at work - I couldn't put her in the ground. So, I cremated her and she is now near me at home as she was near me at work.

This fall I miscarried, saved every bit of tissue in the fridge, and then the ground froze and I couldn't bury my baby. Just last week I moved the container to my downstairs freezer because my babysitter said there was something off in the fridge - I couldn't bring myself to move or touch it before that. Every time I opened the fridge up until last week, there was my baby. And I am sure most people think I have already moved on or forgotten. Maybe in the spring I will be able to find a suitable spot under our lilac tree. I think we all grieve differently and do things in our own time and way and there really is no right or wrong. Do what feels right to your heart.

Hello T ~
This post has made me weep & weep & keep coming back for more. It's so moving to me. I feel & can really relate to your pain & grief. I'm tearing up as I write this so I can't see the computer screen.

I have read every comment & feel so emotional about the entry by "Amy" about her twin son & by "T.D." who took her baby home before the creamation. My son's twin also died & every year on my my son's birthday I still grieve that other child ~ I don't think I'll ever get over it ~ I'm crying again for goodnesss sakes!

As so many other's have said ~ do what is right for you ~ you'll know when it feels right.

Empathy & love to you & your family ~ T2

I can't part with my husband's ashes yet. They are sitting in a wooden urn next to my son's swing in the living room. I have taken them places with me- on trips, etc... and even once brought the urn into bed and cuddles with it overnight. I just can't let go of them. I have the same feeling you describe. When I think about scattering them I get all panicky and anxious. But I know he wanted them spread. I know where they are are going to go- to a beautiful place where we hold one of our sacred ceremonies (my husband was Native American). He expressly wrote in one of his journals that when he died he didn't want his ashes horded. He wanted them scattered. But I am still too scarred. I am still holding on so tight that I can't imagine letting go yet. I will someday, but not until I am ready. I took pictures of the place where he will go and I have the pictures up on the wall accross the room from his urn. I look at the picture and I imagine his spirit there. I plan on getting a stone bench carved with his name on it and placing it on the land where he is going so that I can sit and listen and visit him.

I still have both of my parent's ashes in their separate urns in my house. My brothers and I have talked and we all like the idea of scattering the ashes someplace that they loved, in the ocean where they loved to camp or up in the mountains. We just have not gotten around to doing anything about it.

You need to do what feels comfortable to you. If that means keeping Ben's ashes then do so.

Love you sweetie.

You know, I was hesitant to part with my baby's ashes, but I did. We scattered them in a lake at the city park. And you know what? Now he's everywhere. He's not just in that box in my study (I kept him with me until I reached my due date -- we lost him when he was born at 24 weeks, just like Ben). He's in the air I breathe every day. He's in the lake and the trees and the fish and the ducks at the park. I gave him back tot he earth, and the earth, in turn, makes sure he is always with me.


My Dad died this year while I was finally pregnant with our babies. After years TTC it was a blow to discover he had a brain tumour and we only had 11 weeks with him before he passed away. He was so angry never to see his grandkids. We chose burial because we don't believe in cremation (for family reasons). We burried him in the cemetary of the town he chose to live his last five years of life in - facing the morning sun and the hills he loved. It gives us an anchor and someone to celebrate his life. My mother got his headstone done in a way significant to us. You have to do what is right for you - there is nothing wrong with how you choose to celebrate Ben or where you choose to have him. Keep him close and maybe one day you will suddenly have a moment of clarity over what you want to do, or maybe not. But he's always in your heart - that's where he now lives.

This is a very personal decision and one that only families can decide what works best for them.

I think I know why, Tertia. Because that's all you have left of him. When we lost our first son at 17 w, he was cremated and I agreed to their scattering his ashes in the memorial park. I wish I had kept them. Maybe I would be able to scatter them at some time in the future, but I don't have that option.

That's my 2 cents. Do what feels right for you. Always listen to your gut instinct. Be well, Tertia.

Do what feels right. We buried A, but then cremation isn't part of our family or cultural heritage. So this is what was right for us. Now, of course, I am worried about getting a perfect grave marker. And we haven't found one we agree on so far.

My brother, father & uncle were all cremated. (You may recall I lost them one after the other in the mid-90's). Anyway, my brother's ashes were in a box on the book shelf for about a year and a half and then we buried him. When my dad died soon after that, it seemed only natural to bury him in the same cemetary (two plots over). My cousins scattered my uncle's ashes, but I asked if I could put his name on the grave marker on my father's grave (next to my dad's name) so there would be a place to "visit" him. (I know, its a little strange, but I like knowing there is a place where they are all together, even if its mainly symbolic.)

My husband died 6 years ago and his ashes are everywhere and nowhere.

My father built two urns out of furniture my husband had built - some ashes in each, on for me and one for his folks. A handful in the flower garden of the house we purchased months before he got sick and rarely got to live in, a handful at his workplace {our second home}.

The big box remains mainly full, he wanted me to take them to a lovely vacation spot because "If I die you're going to need a vacation". I chose to invite his parents for his final journey and after accepting his father changed his mind and refused {also refusing to let his mom travel with me}. As long as I can I will wait for her to be able to travel with me, but he'll get there some day.

I am in no hurry to let that part of him go. My new Mister is very ok with the whole thing.

After my daughter`s death (in an accident)(35 weeks) and I regained consiousness, they asked me if I wanted to see her. Looking at your photo`s with Ben it reminded me of what I felt in that instant of holding her. I feel you were blessed in having him pass on while being in your arms. I had to hold her after she had passed on. It still helped a lot seeing her... Knowing how perfect she was. Being in hospital and in bad shape it meant that a lot of things had to be sorted out-decisions that we weren`t ready to make. She was cremated and we put her in a memorial wall at our church. Thinking about it now, I would have wanted to hold on to her a bit longer. That day I had a little "halo" made at a florist with pink and white roses with "baby`s breath". I wrote her a long letter in a mother-to daughther birthday card and it was also placed in the wall with her. I might still ask to take her ashes back... Just shows you. Nothing is set in stone where it concerns your loved ones and how you choose to cherish them. Good luck.

Both parents were cremated and we put their ashes in the dirt plot at the cemetary, each of the kids took some in a container, we put them in the church columbarium, scattered some at the beach and the backyard. They are all the places they loved here on earth, but now they are singing in the heavens.

I can relate to you in regards to not wanting to get rid of your childs ashes. I lost my oldest son four years ago on Fathers Day. He was 28. I am taking his ashes on a boat tommorrow with 25 of his family and close friends and we are spreading them out in the ocean, past the Oceanside Harbor Pier. I am still not so sure this is what I want to do. I did find a web site that sells miniature urns, (2 1/2" x 2"). I bought 5 of them, for his father, his 2 brothers, his daughter and for myself. I made wood stands to put them on and had plagues made with his info. This way I will always have a part of my son with me. This has been the hardest time in my life and it doesn't seem to get any easier. God bless to you. I hope maybe my info helps you.

I had my son Jason's ashes spread out in the ocean on the 19th of this month. I had said I would get back to you and let you know how it went. All of my immediate family were there as well as my best friend, Sandy. My 2 other sons and myself took turns spreading them. I am not going to lie, it was still difficult, but I did feel a big weight lifted off my chest. I gave my 2 sons an miniature urn with stand that had been engraved with their older brothers name, etc. They were both happy to receive it. Now I have a small urn on my mantle in the living room of my son. The hardest part about releasing his ashes was that he had died four years ago. So it felt like I was going through it all over again.

As I type this I am waiting for my family to arrive so that we can bury my brother's and father's ashes with a crepe myrtle tree in my yard. My brother died five years ago and my father kept his ashes. When my father died six months ago I inherited both ashes. I can not stand to look at the boxes at the bottom of my closet everyday- they deserve more than that. That comment is not a judgement against people who don't bury the remains, it is my own personal feelings about my father and brother. I miss them everyday. I will see that tree each day now instead of those boxes. It will not make it less painful, I think it will just make it less ugly.

My dear mother passed away in her sleep a week ago. I found her the next day (she looked just like she did whenever I saw her sleeping). She had paid for her own cremation. (I have paid for mine too, so my kids would not have to go through all that.) My oldest son and favorite grandson of hers and I chose an urn with 3D carving of a flower pot, with a little shovel next to it.
"That's her" I told my son. That's MIMI! Always the gardener, she had a green thumb. My sons will live in her house and be room mates now. They plan to keep her garden, orchids and all her fruit trees in the same way she did. I WILL ALWAYS KEEP HER ASHES IN THAT OAK URN WITH THE FLOWER POT AND LITTLE SHOVEL DESIGN. She was my mom, she was both father and mother to me. She became widowed at age 39, raised me and my children, and never re-married.
She died at age 86, in her sleep, as she always wished not to suffer. God granted her wish. She was my mother and my best friend. I will never abandon her ashes. I will keep her near me, in my home until it is my time to go. Then my sons can do whatever is in their hearts, with our remains. Maybe keep them or scatter them together. Whatever makes them happy and at peace. I know this is just a shell we live in and that her spirit is now with the Almighty and all her relatives. I talk to her every day and feel her very near me. Wherever I go she will go with me. I agree with your feelings and think you should keep your son's remains as long as you wish. I dread losing a child, and God forbid it ever happened, I would also keep him with me and of course in my heart and memory forever. YOU ARE DOING THE RIGHT THING.


If it had been me I would have done the same. Refuse to be parted with him.

I would save the box and ask that it be interred with my ashes, and my husbands.

When my brother died at age 20 (I was 23, some 18 years ago) my parents had him cremated and interred at the graveyard in our hometown. I do appreciate having a place to 'visit' him but if it were my child, tend to think I would have kept him close until my demise.. All so very personal.

This is why we started our business REST IN STONE

It is a wonderful way to keep loved ones near you by placing the cremated remains into beautiful stone.

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