Are we responsible for the emotional wellbeing of others?

Ok, enough of that sex talk. For now. Will be back shortly with conversations about libido, frequency, orgasms and the G spot. 

On to more serious matters. I have a question (another!) to ask you, one that I need you to give serious thought to.

“Are we (you, me) responsible for the emotional wellbeing of others?”

Before you answer a yes or not, let me refine the question a little more.

“If someone (partner, parent, child, boss, friend, employee, spouse, stranger, sibling) had an emotional need that you could meet, should you? Do we have an ethical, social or moral obligation to do what we can to ensure the emotional wellbeing of others?”

I don’t think this is a strictly black or white issue, I think that like many other life questions, there are various shades of grey.

If I asked you whether you were responsible for the emotional wellbeing of your children, I suppose you would lean towards yes.

If I asked you whether you were responsible for the emotional wellbeing of your spouse, perhaps you would say a conditional yes.

What about your friends? Your employees?

If your child is sad, is it your duty to comfort them?  If your partner is feeling down, is it your responsibility to try and make them feel better? If your friend is lonely, should you make sure you spend time with them? If you are going through a difficult time at home, should your boss be understanding and make allowances (up to a point of course) at work to accommodate you?

How much responsibility do we have towards the emotional wellbeing of others?

I have a very specific situation that I want to discuss with you, but I first want to get your unbiased, uninfluenced view on the subject before I give you the details. 

(Hope you don’t mind me asking your opinion on all these things. It is not that I don’t have opinions of my own; it is just that I am sometimes not sure how fair my opinions and expectations are. Sometimes I am right (the puppies) and other times you’ve pointed out how wrong I was (my kids being bratty towards their cousin). As I said, you are my sounding board. Hope you don’t mind. It is your job, you know.)

Comments

[A]

Besides children and spouses and the obvious grey areas, etc.. I don't think it's our moral obligation to ENSURE someone else's emotional wellbeing. I think it's our moral obligation to be supportive and understanding, but to ensure someone else's wellbeing? I don't know if that's even possible.

[Shandra]

I agree with the first commenter. I think it's up to us to be compassionate human beings. If a spouse or employee comes to us with a request, I think there is an obligation to listen and to consider it and not just dismiss it out of hand.

I also think that where possible we should be supportive and caring and loving, especially with kids.

BUT I do not believe in trying to "fix" many things. I mostly believe in supporting people while they struggle to find their OWN fixes.

With kids it does depend on the situation and because they are both learning and in many cases don't have the capacity to fix their own things, sometimes we step in. Like organizing a playdate so that our kids make friends at school. At the same time I don't think a life without struggle is always good for people; I think kids learn a lot by getting the message (as Barbara Coloroso says) "you are loved, you are important to me, you can handle it."

[Normal]

This is kind of a tricky one, and as you say is definately not black or white. Firstly, I think it would depend on who was needing the support and then, how? If this person is a stranger or friend I think that if you were in a position to help this person, without it affecting your well being that it should be your decision, but I don't think it should be an obligation, and something that you should loose sleep over if you chose to do nothing. No matter how shitty some days are, we do have to fight through our own battles..you know the whole "what doesn't kill you makes your stronger thing". I guess the question there is will you loose sleep over it if you don't, only you can answer that one!
Family is a different matter, while I don't believe that we are solely responsible for their complete well being, there are days where as their moms and wives we could show a little moral support some days more than others just to show them that we care and they can always count on us.

[Em]

I think it depends on what kind of person/friend/boss you are or want to be. Obligation? I guess not. If you are an asshole, you can dismiss everyone's feelings that don't suit you. You could also choose to be compassionate and supportive which, in my opinion, is the more human and beneficial to relationships, self worth and society. Also to a point though. Everyone falls on hard times and hard situations. Some people ALWAYS fall on some hard time or situation.

I like what Shandra said about supporting people while they find their own way. I think that is the smart thing to do.

My opinion, is based on an adult/adult relationship. I do think it is different for children but I won't repeat Shandra, she said it better than I would have anyway ;-)

[Megan]

To add something more - part of the issue is whether you know HOW to provide emotional support. I know a woman who constantly expresses the need for emotional cuddling (excuse the phrase). Everything is a disaster. Nothing is middle-line good or bad, it's all one end of the spectrum or another. Providing her emotional support (as I did in a friendly, general sort of way) actually adds fuel to the whole thing. Fact is, she's an emotional junkie. She feeds off the high of being emotional, and she feeds off the feedback she gets from others. Giving her that emotional support is actually not terribly good for her, and can be utterly emotionally draining for others.

In other words, I suppose I'm pretty cautious when it comes to emotions. It's too easy to cause more damage and I suppose I'm afraid of that. I do try to be empathetic and listen but I am careful about leaping in with all my supply of mental braces and bandaids.

[Nancy]

Shandra said what I was thinking, only better.

[tess]

are we responsible for the well being of others? not as much as we are responsible for our own wellbeing, and that of our family and loved ones. think of it as a bullseye with a series of circles.

everyone deserves to be treated by the golden rule. giving everyone everything more, can be draining, or detrimental to other, more important relationships. ie: kids remember that "mummy was always on the phone helping out people who were having crises, but she never made time for us, it seemed."

why has this person made you feel like you are the solution to their problem? does it directly involve you?
are you able to support them without carrying their burden? can you set healthy boundaries to their need? because helping is a great thing to do, if you can protect yourself & your loved ones in the process.

if a child is crying, of course i will comfort it .... but i help it find its mum. or a teacher. what capacity is being asked of you? is it realistic? in your heart of hearts do you think you are the best person to be asked to do this, or are you just the one they want?

xo tess

[Jul]

There are as many answers to this as there are people in this world, because this is perhaps the foremost question in defining one's own personal morality. It's a variant on the Big Question - "what kind of person do I want to be?"

For me, that means almost always erring on the side of compassion. There are some who would view some of my actions in this regard as enabling... I personally do not. Kindness trumps almost everything else.

[Wyliekat]

Here's what I've come down to, in the last year of my life - any happiness given to you by others is artificial. It's the same as any edicts or boundaries or "rules" given to you by others. None of it really sticks unless you manufacture it/them yourself.

That said - if you're somehow, by action or inaction *impeding* the happiness of someone else, I think you do have an obligation to their emotional well-being. I mean, there are shades of this in every direction, such is if removing the impediment causes you hardship, or if the impediment is justified in the first place . . . but generally speaking, with your loved ones in particular, the best and most loving thing you can do is get out of their way in their quest to make themselves happy, encourage them towards that goal and validate their right to be happy.

That's a lot to take on, especially when most of the time, people don't return the favour.

But then, that comes full circle back to your responsibility to make yourself happy.

On a fundamental level, I do believe we are our sisters' keepers, but only in a limited sense. They have to be their own keepers. You just have to hold their hand along the way and do what you can before you call it a good days' work.

[blackbird]

Responsible is a very strong word.
I'd say we can only really be responsible for our own emotional health and wellbeing.

Do we have an ethical, social or moral obligation to do what we can to ensure the emotional wellbeing of others?

I think yes, to an extent.

[Rachel]

I am probably going to be shot down at the knees, think I will try explain as best as I can though...

My family background is one of alot of illness. I have 2 sisters who have an incurable disease combined with other ailments (one is epileptic,has cystic fibrosis in the pancrease & lungs and has to take insulin every now and then to prevent full blown diabetis. the other has cystic fibrosis of the pancrease & diabetis). So with this said, I have seen too much in hospitals and have worked in a NGO for the elderly and an alcohol rehab for males. So that is the background for what I'm about to say...

I am VERY compasionate towards people, even at work I tend to be the "office shrink" because people will come in for a chat and I absorb everything like a sponge, never repeating anything. I give advice, I help where I can, I let them have their emotional outbursts and when they leave my office, we have a happy person. If it is work related, we have a solution. I don't however, do their job for them. I've always been one to believe you get further with a smile than a frown. When I'm backstabbed I take it VERY personally.

So in summary, if you are going to be responsible for others well being, know that if it is not in your make up you WILL crack. It is alot to bear. Your responsibility if first and foremost to yourself, then your husband & children, then your family, your close friends and then work. If it is a problem with someone like Rose for example, yes, you have a certain amount of responsibility, if it is some random person, think carefully and put it in a different "box" in your mind.

Waffle over and out.

[Rachel]

One more thing, I look forward to your post as to where this is heading - I get the feeling Harrison and family may be in this?? Could be wrong ;o) Have a fab evening.

[Maritza]

Love this topic.

Googling "Emotional Boundaries" will open a whole can of worms on this subject.

The motivation behind your concern for the wellbeing of the individual is the crisp issue here. Are you doing out of compassion, over-identification, a sense of duty, or even guilt?

Search yourself, if you can be painstakingly hounest that the intent behind your support is healthy, then by all means be responsible for that person's wellbeing. If however there is some tainted issue that is fuelling your sense of responsibility...you might be doing the wrong thing for the wrong person at the wrong time.

In considering the wellbeing of others, you need to make sure that the boundaries between the supported person and you be kept in tact. The better you know yourself, the better your judgement will be on where the boundaries are.

Nobody owes anybody anything, but the more emotionally healthy we become, the more we seek to support others and the better we know why, when, how and how much....

[Tamsen]

I almost dismissed reading comments, I was so anxious to spew what I was feeling towards your questions... However I am glad I did. There were some great points brought up, and it is so interesting to see all the perspectives, no wonder you enjoy having a sounding board, Tertia! :)

I agree with Shandra and Em - Shandra as far as the whole, you can't ensure their emotional wellbeing... you can only support them on their journey, and Em with the whole adult/adult vs adult/child relationship.

With children, I believe as adults we do have a responsibility to their wellbeing - physical and mental (including emotional). Not just our own, but for those of us who work in caregiving/teaching/etc type situations.

With adults - even this must be further broken down. And still, it depends on your personality. For people like Rachel, who is an extremely compassionate person, these people are more willing/needed to react to those in emotional need. For people with more selfish or maybe less attentive to others (trying to put this in a good way?), they may be more emotionally dismissive.

For me, I lean more on the compassionate side... I am an extremely sensitive person to other people's needs, which always isn't a good thing. I am also a person who needs emotional support, and hope that my friends see that I am not a burden to take care of my emotional needs, but that they want to support me instead on my journey.

I guess in answer to your question, yes, we are completely responsible for any child's emotional wellbeing. Yes, we are to be a main support being/responsible to an extent of our spouse's wellbeing. Our friends, I think we are support beings and responsible to an extent. Employees?? Employers?? That's when we step the line. We can offer our support in their emotional journeys, but are not to be responsible. If it is a dire situation (perhaps a rape, abuse, abuse of drugs/alcohol etc), we are to step in and help in a more direct way. I think there are always exceptions to the rule.

Whew, that was rather long winded. Look forward to the post where we apply our answers. :)

[Tamsen]

That is supposed to be *support BEAMS, not beings. Ugh.

[Miss W]

While it isn't 100% our responsibility to ensure it (as many above have said, that isn't even possible), I do feel it is our moral obligation to do all that we can. Consider the IF years that many of your readers have been through and how horrid we felt (and still do, at times) when others made comments we viewed as insensitive. We wanted them to stop -- and yet they were clueless. When I am sad, I know that I want my husband and my friends' support. When they are going through rough times, they need me. If your cashier at the grocery store is clearly having a bad day, I think that we are called to, at the very least, be pleasant customers (eg not being rude, saying please and thank yous, etc.).

Of course, this is coming from someone you would term a "happy clapper" a la your sister Mel, so I see the world from a different perspective than others do. Christians are called to love as Jesus loved and to live a life modeled after His...and in that regard, yes, we are morally obligated to show love, suport, empathy, etc. to others.

[Jen]

I think we should try to cater to the emotional wellbeing of others as long as it does not have a negative influence on our own emotional wellbeing.

[Jan]

In the end, I believe we are all responsible for our own emotional well-being. (Children, by the way, know this better than anyone -- they are notorious about asking for what they want!)

That said, when we choose to be in a loving relationship, we are making a commitment to support the emotional well-being of another person. This does not mean taking responsibility for their emotions, but it does mean taking their needs into consideration along with our own. It can even mean choosing their immediate happiness over our own sometimes, with deliberate thought.

I don't believe we have a moral obligation to kindness or generosity. It is not for me to say how anyone else 'should' live her life. In my own life, however, I strive toward it. I believe it makes me a better person, and a happier one. And yes, I believe it benefits others, too. (My beliefs are based in part on my religious life, but I tend to think I would have come to the same conclusions about this without God.)

I will say this: If everyone took the time to notice the needs of others, and to meet those needs where they could, the world would be a happier, better place.

[stephanie]

Hmm...I think responsible is a bit of a strong word, because we can't fix everything, nor should we try. I do think I should treat people how I want to be treated,and support them where and when I can.
A lot depends on our relationship to the person involved. I think there are different levels of appropriate support based on their role in my life. The level of emotional supportI give my husband, for example, should be differeent than that I give a co worker at work, or an old acquaintence.
Hardest thing to know is you can't fix everything. I've got a firend going through a really tough time right now, and she could really use some financial help. But I myself am not working, and cannot justify giving her money. It's hard, but all I can do this time is listen.

[anonymousey]

I'm a bit torn on this one. For the past few years I've been struggling with the idea that I *own* my emotions. No one can *make* me feel anything. Allowing a situation to cause an emotional reaction in me... That's on ME. I can change how I feel, or change the situation. Using your example, WHY is your friend lonely? Is it because they don't feel included in your group? Well they have the choice to change their outlook - enjoy the peace and solitude - or change the situation - go out and make new friends, meet people, invite people over, organize dinner parties, etc. They have the power to change their situation, resulting in a change of their emotional state.

BUT...

I think if you care about people, you should help when you can. I subscribe to the theory of letting people (including yourself) do what they want, as long as they're not hurting themselves or others. So if it doesn't hurt you to comfort your spouse, why wouldn't you do it? Help them change the situation, or change their outlook on the situation, and therefore help them get to the point where they can change their emotions.

I've recently been diagnosed with endometriosis. The only way to control it is through birth control or surgery, and my body doesn't react well to either. My boss and my coworkers have been amazingly understanding. One day I was hurting so badly I was nauseated, and the BC was giving me a migraine. My boss made me go nap in the health room for 45 minutes, and when that didn't help, sent me home to rest. I didn't have any sick time left so my coworkers banded together to donate some sick leave to me so I could take the time for my body to adjust to the meds.

That simple kindness helped me reach a point where I could relax and work on healing myself. I had been terrified of losing my job over missed days. Now I'm healthier, not in so much pain, and working overtime to help make up the time I missed - all because they cared enough to give me a chance.

You can't change people's emotions. All you can do is support them until they figure it out for themselves.

Of course (rambling, I know, sorry) there are people who *won't* change their situation or their feelings. It's hurting them, and it's hurting you by wasting your time and energy trying to help them.

Ok I'm done, I promise.

xoxo
katrina

[Jerri Ann]

I think that the only gray area is in reference to my children. I think we can shape so much of who they are that way. Otherwise, I think we have to be responsible for ourselves. No one besides ourselves makes us happy, or sad. We are responsible for ourselves. That said, let me tell you a quick story...

One of my employees, 26 with 4 children, ages 11, 9, 7, and 3, needed to leave her abusive husband. She told me upfront, "he will try to kill me and if you don't want me around here, that is fine" by here, she meant my daycare. I told her that it would be ok. I did my best to support her and make it easier for her.

He almost drove her batshit crazy and in the meantime made my life a little bit hellish too. This started in late October. In early December I laid her off. I told her to take her children and go far away for a little while. Luckily she had family that she could go live with briefly. At that same time, I allowed her to draw unemployment. My student numbers was low and I was about to start cutting hours off of the person at the bottom anyway. If I had cut hours off of the bottom person, I would not have been responsible for unemployment. With this employee, I was. My tax rate jumped. it almost doubled.

Was I responsible for her happiness? Of course not. Did I feel obligated to help her? Of course not. Should I have taken the penalty on my tax rate to help her? That's a personal decision that all employers would have to make, but the truth is, even though it is costing me right now, I feel better about myself for doing it. Do I feel I made her happy? Not really. Did her estranged spouse leave her alone? Not until about a week ago. She is back at work now and things are wonderful having her back here. At home, she is still struggling. Trying to get him to sign divorce papers, pay bills for 5 people and raise 4 kids on absolutely no child support.

With that, no I do not feel I was responsible for her happiness or emotional well-being. I do think as a friend, I did what I could do and if it helped, then more power to it!

Did any of that make sense to you?

[Chickenpig]

I don't consider myself responsible for anyone else's wellbeing, except for my children, because I am their parent. I consider it my responsibility to stand by my husband in sickness and in health, for good or for bad, because that is what I signed up for...but I can't ensure his well being, I can only do my best to help him in any way I can. (if he was no longer mentally capable of being responsible for his own well being, then of course I would be). I also feel responsibility to help my mother, because it was her responsibility to help me, and I think I owe her to help her in turn. As for anyone else, being responsible for their well being isn't my duty, nor am I really capable of being responsible for them. I am taking the word RESPONSIBLE here in a very literal sense. I don't think it is my duty, obligation, or responsibility to be helpful and compassionate to my fellow man, I just think that it is the right thing to do, whenever possible, to do the best you can towards others. This is not the same thing as being responsible for someone else...responsibility implies a duty or obligation, which is a whole other kettle of fish. The Golden rule is "Do unto others as you would have done unto you." But it doesn't say that you are responsible for others, if that makes any sense.

[Lisa]

The old me would have said an unconditional "yes." But after years of one particular friend who took and took and took and never gave anything back, I would have to say that you have a responsibility to emotionally support people who are emotionally supportive of you. If someone is always having a crisis and never returns the favor (and I'm not talking about one long streak of bad luck, I'm talking about people who inflate every situation and can't see things from anyone else's perspective) it will only drain you to feel responsible for their emotional well-being. And there are people who need help beyond what a layperson can offer -- sometimes referring a friend/relative to a professional can be the best thing you can do for them.

[Melissa]

I've not read the comments as I want to be unbiased.

I think that if we're in a position to help someone, we should. If it is going to hurt someone else (take too much time away from our families, take too much of our own emotional energy etc), then we have to weigh it up.

But I do think, that where possible, we ought to be as compassionate as we can. We can have a tendancy to become too self absorbed, and we get so busy that it's easy to be unaware of what's going on around us. I think this is to our detriment.

I don't know the situation, and I think my response is probably not what you want to hear, but from where I stand, we should at least strive for compassion.

[Anonymouse]

Colleagues, employees? Phew. I feel I'm not responsible for their emotional wellbeing as such, but I am at least partly responsible for the circumstances that lead to their wellbeing or their distress.

Currently, I'm trying to help someone from work. Trying to sort out how to handle the bossing/mobbing he's been submitted to for the past three years or so. I was on parental leave until three weeks ago. This person and I had absolutely no contact with each other since I had left, back in 2005; I had never played a visible part in his life. Therefore, I also had no idea what his boss and the personnel department had done to him in the meantime. He's been on sick leave for almost a year now. Everybody seems to know what happened; they were all happy enough to fill me in on that, feeling sorry & angered and all. But he still seems to have lost contact to most of the colleagues he once considered his friends. One of them - a member of the works council to boot - even betrayed his trust. I've been listening to that person, exchanging emails with him. As soon as I heard what had happened, I wrote to him and told him how sorry I felt. I managed to re-establish one of the lost contacts. I'm going to see him in a few days, just to listen and talk, and to see what can be done. I've done some research on the medical issues and how they might be tackled successfully. So: I'm trying to improve the circumstances, and I'm not asking myself if I'm responsible or if this is my duty. I want to do that, I can't help it. It's the right thing to do.

But it's still his responsibility to make use of whatever I may be able to offer...

He's my former boss, b.t.w.

[Rachel]

Well, I haven;'t read the rest of the comments, and I know I suffer from having too much empathy. That being said, my answer is yes. I believe it is our responsibility as a member of the human race to be empathetic and caring towards our fellow man.

[Nicole]

What gives me pause about your post is the term 'emotional wellbeing'. I think of emotional wellbeing as being happy and content. NO ONE can make another person happy or content, those things come from inside. Just as unhappiness and discontent also come from inside. They are not exterior forces, or so I've been informed by my novice understanding of Buddhist psychology.

However, you should always try to behave compassionately toward others, no matter who they are or what the situation. If you are in a position to offer aid to another, then you should do so. But there is a WARNING - make sure you are actually offering real help (giving money to an addict, allowing someone to shirk their responsibilities, overindulging a child, etc. are often done by well meaning people, but are in fact not very helpful at all.)

And this is where the issue of boundaries comes up. If you are someone that struggles with personal and emotional boundaries, you must be extra cautious. I love the book Boundaries (it does have a decidedly Christian perspective, but is good nevertheless). In that book they talk about how we are responsible TO each other and FOR ourselves. They talk about the differences between 'burdens' and 'loads'. Everyone must be responsible to carry there own load (those daily tasks and duties we are all able to carry on our own). And yet when someone has a burden (something so big that the person cannot nor should not be able to manage), then we are to help them with that.

I'm not sure I'm explaining myself well. I guess it seems to me that we are responsible to each other, to look after each other and help when we can, but the idea that we could ever be responsible for someone else's happiness and contentment seems absurd to me. (Please know I don't mean that with any disrespect.)

[Julia]

I go with the horse to water theory: You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink.

In other words, I feel obligated to offer as much help as I can. But I'm not responsible for what another person does with that help - even someone as close as a child or spouse.

[Katie]

Haven't read any other comments, so I'm just hopping right in...

To me, it's about vows/promises. Part of my vows to my husband included (in my mind) helping to ensure his emotional well being. Inherent in choosing to having children is a promise to care for them.

However, I have never made promises to bosses, coworkers, or even most friends to be responsible for their well being. The compassion in me may spur me to help them out, but I'm not obligated to it from a moral standpoint.

[HappyGrl]

Okay, you tied us in knots with the bicycle analogy, I'm going to do it with gardening :)

We are not responsible for the well being of others but we are responsible for providing an environment where they can achieve it for themselves. A bit like planting a seed in good soil, watering it often and making sure it gets enough sun. You can provide these things but you cannot actually make the seed grow - and you must always be mindful how fragile it is and how easily you can destroy it.

And you are not responsible for nuturing *every* seed in you garden (every person who crosses your path). You don't nurture weeds in the same manner that you nuture roses and you don't grow every seed in the catalogue. Nor do you take over your neighbour's garden and spend your weekends working in it - but you do give them tips, names of good garden centres and cuttings from your garden. Nor do you work in your neigbhour's garden at the expense of your own and end up with a plot full of weeds.

Well being is the responsiblity of the individual. I have a friend who is dying of cancer whose emotional well being is amazingly strong and robust. I have another who has everything any of us could wish for but is emotionally unwell. Emotional well-being is not something any of us can give anyone else, though we can be responsible for destroying it in others.

A golden rule - never allow your actions or feelings of responsibility to be driven by guilt. That's always the wrong reason to do anything. I believe in being compassionate and kind to others but there is a line beyond which it becomes unhealthy and unhelpful for you AND for them.

[Bree]

I'm a teacher and I have a quote in my desk that helps me to remember my responsibility towards my students and others in general. It goes something like "I create the climate in my classroom. My moods and behaviour influence the weather. I can build a child up or tear them down with a word, a look, a deed..." I think that this is true, certainly as an adult working with children, but also in my interactions with colleagues, friends, family (certainly my own children) and even strangers. I've worked in some crappy jobs and I've had many different bosses with different management styles. My best boss was the one who knew about and was interested in my life, asked questions and did what he could to support all of us through many difficult times as a staff. He has my loyalty for life. It is amazing what a kind word or a smile can do for someone - the pay it forward idea. That being said, I'm certainly not Suzy Sunshine all the time. But we all share our space with other people. Why not try to make their life better by being kind, without being a doormat.

I don't see myself as 'responsible' for anyone's well-being. That's too much pressure and one can never live up to such lofty goals without losing themselves. But, do I have an influence on others' well-being? Absolutely, through my words, actions and deeds.

[Bree]

I'm a teacher and I have a quote in my desk that helps me to remember my responsibility towards my students and others in general. It goes something like "I create the climate in my classroom. My moods and behaviour influence the weather. I can build a child up or tear them down with a word, a look, a deed..." I think that this is true, certainly as an adult working with children, but also in my interactions with colleagues, friends, family (certainly my own children) and even strangers. I've worked in some crappy jobs and I've had many different bosses with different management styles. My best boss was the one who knew about and was interested in my life, asked questions and did what he could to support all of us through many difficult times as a staff. He has my loyalty for life. It is amazing what a kind word or a smile can do for someone - the pay it forward idea. That being said, I'm certainly not Suzy Sunshine all the time. But we all share our space with other people. Why not try to make their life better by being kind, without being a doormat.

I don't see myself as 'responsible' for anyone's well-being. That's too much pressure and one can never live up to such lofty goals without losing themselves. But, do I have an influence on others' well-being? Absolutely, through my words, actions and deeds.

[Dana]

I do not have time to read others and I will talk about adults only. I do not think you are responsible for anyone's emotional wellbeing anymore than you are responsible for their financial or physical wellbeing. Just because you can, it does not mean you have to. Having said that, I think it feels great, on a human sense, to help someone; the closer the person, the better you feel. I do it whenever I can (I normally absorb other people’s problems but I do not mind; I am generaly strong and balanced to be supportive); if I can’t for any reason, I don’t. No guilt involved.
Mmm… I sense that this is coming from Rose…

[Beth]

Have you heard this quote from Hillel? "If I am not for me who will be? If I am not for others who am I?

Sums up my thoughts on this topic. You can't expect others to "take care" of you, but you can choose to take care of others.

[Meg]

Hello Tertia! Depends on the situation. I would not bail out anyone emotionally every single time. People need to cope with things themselves sometimes and not just go cry on someone's shoulder. Also, I know that sometimes when I'm down, what I need and want most is to be left alone to get over it / deal with it by myself.

However. As a human being, if someone's in pain, I do care and I do want to help. If someone's in a lot of pain I definitely help. But the type of help varies depending on the situation, too. Like if a friend complains about how his ex-wife is being horrible to him, I won't ring her and yell at her. I won't be overbearing and tell him exactly what to do because he's an idiot and doesn't know how to deal with her.

What I will do, is listen, and be supportive/sympathetic, and offer ideas for him to consider (especially if he actually asks for advice). Because he's an adult. Partly because that's the sort of treatment *I* generally want when I need to lean on someone. I want to be treated as an adult, but treated sympathetically.

If my husband is grumpy and I don't know why, I will ask him once or twice gently, but if he's obviously just grumpy and needs some space, I give that to him. Again, that's the treatment I want from him if I'm grumpy and don't want to talk about it and just want to get over it by myself.

If my kids are grumpy, I'll push more to find out what they're grumpy about. Then I'll talk to them about it, if it's something where talking helps. Or I might just sympathise with them if it's one of those "sometimes life genuinely sucks" things. Or I might try to distract them with something fun.

[Marcia Smith]

I am commenting without reading the other comments so i hope im not stepping on any toes but in the work place i know that although its not a moral obligation or anything but i now when i have worked under a manager who allowed people within reason to sort there lives out they were grateful and very supportive when overtime or extra work was dished out. I especially apreciated her (my mangers) understanding that i really wasnt going to be able to work while worrying about other things we were a very supportive group of sales people and it was a good atmosphere to work in. I have however worked in the same company under antoher boss who made us stay at work and work after whatching one of our colleuges die... yes i did say actually die!!! And recently when a very close friend of ours (more like a brother to my brother) died they wouldnt give my brother time off becouse they were busy.
so in these instances i think the manager should pay more attention its only decent!

[kimberly]

You can surround someone with as much positive energy, emotional support and happy things as you can muster, but releasing unhappiness or negativity is up to the individual. Sometimes due to depression or other medical issues, they physically can't be happy. Other times, people will forever be the "Eeyore" of the Pooh Universe. Gloomy and unhappy. I've played Tigger/Pooh/Roo to the Eeyores in my life for a long time. The more effort you put into trying to offer happiness to someone who won't accept it, the more it hurts you as an individual. So all I can offer is the stark (and cruel-sounding) answer of No.

I have neither an ethical, social nor moral obligation to do what I can to ensure the emotional wellbeing of others. Of course that doesn't mean I don't try, or that I actively try to deny someone's emotional wellbeing. But if I believed I was *obligated* to *ensure* that, there would be nothing left of me.

[HappyGrl]

Okay, you tied us in knots with the bicycle analogy, I'm going to do it with gardening :)

We are not responsible for the well being of others but we are responsible for providing an environment where they can achieve it for themselves. A bit like planting a seed in good soil, watering it often and making sure it gets enough sun. You can provide these things but you cannot actually make the seed grow - and you must always be mindful how fragile it is and how easily you can destroy it.

And you are not responsible for nuturing *every* seed in you garden (every person who crosses your path). You don't nurture weeds in the same manner that you nuture roses and you don't grow every seed in the catalogue. Nor do you take over your neighbour's garden and spend your weekends working in it - but you do give them tips, names of good garden centres and cuttings from your garden. Nor do you work in your neigbhour's garden at the expense of your own and end up with a plot full of weeds.

Well being is the responsiblity of the individual. I have a friend who is dying of cancer whose emotional well being is amazingly strong and robust. I have another who has everything any of us could wish for but is emotionally unwell. Emotional well-being is not something any of us can give anyone else, though we can be responsible for destroying it in others.

A golden rule - never allow your actions or feelings of responsibility to be driven by guilt. That's always the wrong reason to do anything. I believe in being compassionate and kind to others but there is a line beyond which it becomes unhealthy and unhelpful for you AND for them.

[Rebekah]

I know this is an "old" post ... doing some catch-up here ... but if I may add my thoughts on this without going into it too much. What came to my mind when I read your questions, was to strip it all down. For me, that meant thinking about what I think God would want. Thankfully, He gave a few short answers in the good 'ol book: "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you" and "Love your neighbor as yourself". That clears a lot of things up for me!