So Close

The importance of good bedside manner

From what I have read and the little I understand about healthcare in other countries, it would appear that we have a different approach to the kind of service we get from health professionals in this country. And by ‘we’ I mean the privileged few like myself who can afford private medical care and who don’t have to stand in long queues at Government hospitals.

I suppose it is different here because we don’t get told who to see or when we can see them, we decide who we will see and the wait to get an appointment is seldom long at all. Here in South Africa, the level of service you get from the private medical profession is outstanding. The patient is the customer and as paying customers we demand a high level of professionalism and care from our doctors and support staff. And if we don’t like it, we will go to someone else. For those who can afford it, the care is of the highest quality professionally and medically as well.

However, no matter where you are in the world, no matter if are paying for it yourself or you are on some kind of national health service, the one thing that makes all the difference between a positive experience and a negative one is the caregiver’s bedside manner. And this is seldom more important than in the case of infertility care.

By the time you go to see a fertility specialist, you are in a pretty crappy place. You’ve probably been trying for a quite a while, 17,000 people have seen your vagina and your husband has had to ejaculate several times into a tiny bottle and have the results scrutinized by 10 laboratory folk who come back with a big ‘NOT GOOD ENOUGH’ stamp on his report card. You are feeling beaten down, broken, desperate, worthless.

And then you go to your first appointment at the fertility clinic where at the end of the day, the procedures, treatments and prices are pretty similar. There really are only so many ways to do an IVF etc. What makes a difference between a positive experience where you leave feeling full of hope and confidence and a horrible experience where you feel like a worthless piece of shit is how you are treated by all the people you come into contact with. The way they greet you, the way they treat you. The way they answer your questions and allay your fears. The patience they show when they explain the same procedure over and over again. How they remember your name if you’ve been there 75 times before. When they ask you how you are first, before they ask you for your credit card. All those things that can be collectively described as ‘bedside manner’.

So important!!

Which is why I have chosen it as my topic when I speak at the South African Fertility Sisters conference in two weeks time.  Once a year, all the fertility support staff get together to have a conference and chat about all the different aspects of their job. It is a great idea and I am honoured to have been invited to talk. My topic is “The importance of good bedside manner”

This is where you come in – I would love your input into this topic. Help me put together an interesting, useful talk on what the fertility nurses and support staff can do to make our lives easier. How would we like to be treated? Tell me about a positive experience you had and what made it so wonderful. Tell me about a negative experience you had and how it made you feel.  Help me tell them what type of ‘bedside manner’ we need to make this horrible experience of infertility just a little easier to bare.

PS Have a peak at my first new project - Fertilicare. Fertilicare is an outstanding Infertility Support site, with a very active online support forum for South Africans who are going through infertility.  All the hard work was done by my partner Maritza who is probably one of most talented people I've met.

A weekend in the life of someone whose first love is not quality time

Friday day: Work

Friday night: After reading all your comments in response to the Rose situation, I felt so bad that I arranged a date night with my husband. Actually, I arranged it before the post ;-) Went out for supper, had a great time. Must do it more often. 

Friday night much later: Finish up some work on new project (will tell all on Monday! So excited!) Go to bed late

Saturday morning: Up early, check email. Feed kids, put load of washing on, go to bank, shops, parents. 

Saturday lunchtime while the kids nap: Spend quality time with husband doing that thing that married people don’t do

Saturday afternoon: Little sister calls to say that she needs my help with something (she actually joking said “I need to spend some quality time with you” Haha! She had read my blog earlier). She and the kids spend afternoon with us

Saturday night: Catch up on work, go to bed far too late

Sunday morning: Force myself awake at 5am to get in some work before kids wake up. Finish up at 6:30 as kids awake.

Sunday morning 9am: Mother in law comes over to spend quality time with us

Sunday afternoon: Family braai at Sister Mel’s house, get back late on Sunday evening.

Sunday evening: Do some work on new project, try to reply to some emails. Fail. Go to bed.

Monday: Back to work

(BTW, just in case you think I am complaining, I am not. I love and adore my family and I am so damn lucky to have them around!)

Shelly’s a bit of a screamer

Ok, so you were right. Say it! I know you want to. I’ll wait you here while you get all “I told you so” on me.

………..

Ok, so you warned me, and you were right. Getting two puppies while you have two young kids is HECTIC!!!! Exhausting! But for reasons I didn’t expect.

Firstly Bruno, the ungrateful bastard, is completely unimpressed by his two new companions who we got to keep HIM company. We thought he was lonely. Turns out he is not a quality time person either.

(Bruno hiding away from the puppies outside the front door)

Those two young whippersnappers are cheeky, noisy, have NO respect for his things and follow him around all day trying to play with him. HAVE THEY NO RESPECT!!

To make matters worse, Shelly has found her voice. And she’s a bit of a screamer. Yap yap yap yap yap. The favourite yapping time is that crucial hour between sunrise (05:00am) and when it would be reasonable to assume that I would get up to make their breakfast (06:00am). To pass the time and take their minds off the hunger that is about to kill them if I don’t feed them the very second they open their cute little eyes, they play the game called “let’s irritate Bruno”. The game involves sitting outside Bruno’s favourite kennel and yapping at him non stop until he can’t stand it anymore, and he gets up to leave. Both puppies then dash inside the favourite kennel (there are two big kennels, one of which has always, and always be HIS kennel. GETTIT??) and yap at him from the inside while he growls at them to get back in again. Which is like SO totally fun because now he is actually responding to them instead of his usual flat out ignore and so the morning melody becomes yap yap yap yap yap growl growl growl growl yap yap yap yap ……………

So, Bruno is not loving those puppies at the moment.  The kids however ADORE the puppies. Which is the second problem. I can not leave them alone with the puppies at all. They are way too rough with them. Not in a nasty way, but they hug way too hard, want to lie with (on) the puppies, pick them up etc. I thought I would have to worry about the puppies hurting the kids, but it is the other way around.

I know both situations will get better. Sulky Bruno will get to love those puppies and the kids will learn not to hug so hard etc (plus the puppies will get less fragile), but at the moment things are a little crazy this side.

(Our first family walk)

But even with the yap yap yap yap growl growl growl and the constant SOFTLY! GENTLY! tune that plays non-stop around here, I am still thrilled that we have Shelly and Peter around. I love and adore them already. We French kiss often.

And I am still glad that I got two. If I am going to take the pain of the puppy years, I might as well do it all at once ;-)

(The first casualty)

Reminded me of you

Saw this at the shop yesterday and thought of you

Thanks for all your insight and feedback on the Rose post, I will be back with some thoughts as soon as I get the time.

HERO Youth Ambassador Program

This sounds like a fabulous opportunity for teens to see a bit of the world and make a difference at the same time. 

The UNA-USA HERO campaign, in partnership with beinggirl.com, is looking for 20 students (ages 16-19) from across the US and Canada to be selected as 2008 HERO Youth Ambassadors. Students chosen will travel to Africa in 2008.

During their trip, the Youth Ambassadors will help to build classrooms, construct fences, install kitchens (for in-school feeding programs), paint existing school structures, and engage in classroom and recreational activities funded in-part by Protecting Futures, a program by beinggirl.com founding brands Tampax and Always, dedicated to helping keep girls in Southern Africa in school.

Call to Action: Teens interested in applying can log onto http://beinggirl.com/en_US/heroes/Get_Involved.jsp from December 17^th, 2007– March 1^st, 2008.  The application includes submitting a 300-word essay and two letters of recommendation. If you are awarded the title of HERO Youth Ambassador, you will be required to raise a minimum of $5,000 to cover your trip expenses.

Filling her love tank

You were right, this is about Rose. And just so you know, I am not speaking behind her back. I’ve had this discussion with her at our last coffee date. 

Sigh. Where to start.

For those who have read “The Five Love Languages” by Gary Chapman, the easiest way to explain it is to say that Rose’s ‘love tank’ is empty, and I am not sure I can, and should be filling it.

Rose is a pretty intense person. Not in a bad way, it is just who she is. She reminds me a lot of Marko actually, and my sister and best friend. I guess I am attracted to people who have strong, ‘strict’ views on life. Rose has very high standards, for friendship, or fairness, for life. She lives life with intensity, with passion and with 100% commitment, and she expects the same in return.  Which means that she is often disappointed by people. And lonely.

She has been through a really tough time recently, and just about everyone in her life has fallen short of her expectations. Not only have her friends disappointed her, but so has some of her extended family, most of who live really far away. Even her religion has let her down. Which makes her feel quite alone.

Rose’s love language is ‘quality time’. She loves to spend time with people, bonding, talking, sharing, laughing. She lives with me, she has no transport and so she gets very little opportunity to talk, share and bond with anyone other than me during the week.

Out of all the love languages, ‘quality time’ scores second lowest on my list (‘gifts’ comes last). Not only do I really, really not have the time to spend quality time with anyone other than my children, the ‘quality time’ thing just doesn’t do it for me.

But of course, I do understand that it is important to other people. My husband, for example, has ‘quality time’ as his love language.  He wants nothing more than to spend time with me. I want nothing more than to spend time on my own!!

I am a people pleaser of note. I want people to be happy, and if they aren’t, it makes me feel terrible. And yet…..

My day is so full. When I get home from work, all I want to do is spend time with the children. Then, once I have put them to bed, I have a few hours in which to do the million other things I have to do. Work on work stuff, work on my new project, write for my blog, write for my weekly column. Try and squeeze some time for my poor husband who gets hardly anything of me. Any spare time I might have left over, I want to be alone. I need to be alone. Quiet. I need to have the time and space to unwind, to settle my crazy insides, to slowly and quietly recharge my bits so that I can start all again the next day.

But I know Rose’s love tank is empty. I know she is lonely. I know she needs to spend time with someone. To talk. About important stuff; about everything and nothing at all. Talk. And it makes me feel so guilty because no one else is filling her love tank, and so perhaps it should be me. And then I get resentful because I can’t be there for her emotionally as well. I take care of her in every other way. I pay her three times what other people get. I take and fetch her from the shops, I drive her around. I sort out her financial mess. I buy her gifts. I do things for her. I tell her how much I appreciate her. I do all the other love languages, but I just can’t do the quality time thing. I can’t. And to be honest, I don’t want to..

Because quality time is her love language, all these other things have not been meaningless, but they have not filled her love tank. She feels let down by me. And so she too has been resentful. Things have not been great.

Eventually it came to a head and we spoke about it. I agreed that we would go on a once a week coffee date and that would be her time to talk. She would have my undivided attention for that time.

It was our first ‘quality time’ date on Wednesday and we spoke about the love language thing. (She has read the book too, which helps us chat about what is going one). We spoke about why we were both feeling so resentful towards each other. It really helped.

There is a part of me that says that I can’t, and shouldn’t be responsible for filling her love tank. That as her employer, I am not responsible for happiness (in that way). But then there is the other part of me that says for whatever reason, whether she is right or wrong, she has no one else. And so it has to be me.

I don’t know. I really don’t. As you can see, I am trying. I have agreed to the once a week coffee date, even though I am so, so SO busy. And even though I can’t even manage a once a week date with my husband!!! (Something that I am going to do something about, promise). But because I care about her, I want her to be happy. I just wish it didn’t depend on me.

What do you think? I haven't had time to check this through for holes, opportunities for misunderstanding, possible offense taking or other land mines so please be gentle.   

(Edited to add: re the driving licence thing, that is not going to happen for a long while. She needs lots and lots more practice. So that is a long term solution, not a short term one)

Please nominate me

Apparently today is the last day for nominations for the South African blog awards, so while I am busy carefully wording my update to the emotional well-being post, please pop over and nominate me for many and various awards.  Awards that come with no financial gain but will make me feel all special inside.  Oh, and while you are there, please vote for my sister's blog as well (Best New Blog, Best Social Upliftment etc).  Ta. (Just click on the logo thingy below)

Are we responsible for the emotional wellbeing of others?

Ok, enough of that sex talk. For now. Will be back shortly with conversations about libido, frequency, orgasms and the G spot. 

On to more serious matters. I have a question (another!) to ask you, one that I need you to give serious thought to.

“Are we (you, me) responsible for the emotional wellbeing of others?”

Before you answer a yes or not, let me refine the question a little more.

“If someone (partner, parent, child, boss, friend, employee, spouse, stranger, sibling) had an emotional need that you could meet, should you? Do we have an ethical, social or moral obligation to do what we can to ensure the emotional wellbeing of others?”

I don’t think this is a strictly black or white issue, I think that like many other life questions, there are various shades of grey.

If I asked you whether you were responsible for the emotional wellbeing of your children, I suppose you would lean towards yes.

If I asked you whether you were responsible for the emotional wellbeing of your spouse, perhaps you would say a conditional yes.

What about your friends? Your employees?

If your child is sad, is it your duty to comfort them?  If your partner is feeling down, is it your responsibility to try and make them feel better? If your friend is lonely, should you make sure you spend time with them? If you are going through a difficult time at home, should your boss be understanding and make allowances (up to a point of course) at work to accommodate you?

How much responsibility do we have towards the emotional wellbeing of others?

I have a very specific situation that I want to discuss with you, but I first want to get your unbiased, uninfluenced view on the subject before I give you the details. 

(Hope you don’t mind me asking your opinion on all these things. It is not that I don’t have opinions of my own; it is just that I am sometimes not sure how fair my opinions and expectations are. Sometimes I am right (the puppies) and other times you’ve pointed out how wrong I was (my kids being bratty towards their cousin). As I said, you are my sounding board. Hope you don’t mind. It is your job, you know.)

The mass debate on oral gets deeper

(BTW, your comments on the BJ post have been VERY entertaining. You really are a very entertaining bunch of women.)

Right all you olive lovers and ‘no thank yous’, I need you to go do some field research into this very important topic of blowjob giving.

I need to go ask your man, or any man (if you are a man yourself, pls provide feedback directly) what their view on the matter is. How do they feel about the spitting vs swallowing debate? No big deal or very big deal? Why do they love it (the BJ and the swallowing thing) so much? (One word answers like ‘nice’ or ‘fine’ are not allowed. Dig a bit deeper guys) Are there men out there who have a ‘take it or leave it’ attitude towards BJs? If they could choose between a BJ (with swallowing), a (pleasant, but not blow your socks off) shag or a (smallish yet with reasonably good picture clarity) flat screen TV, which one would they choose?

Then, in the interests of all things fair. We will do a poll on receiving oral. How much do you love it? Lots? Fair to mild? Not for you? Prefer just plain (non oral) sex? Or would you rather choose that lovely flat screen TV?

Spit or swallow or No Thank You, not for me

I know this is a little risqué, but its not as if you are a bunch of blushing virgins, now are you!

A friend of mine (truly!) wants to know the answer to this question, and I said I would ask all of you. Because, besides the one or two assholes that lurk on this blog, I would say you probably represent the ‘average’ (incredibly good looking, witty and charming) woman out there.

My friend’s (seriously, it is not me who wants to know, I really do have a friend who wants to know this stuff) husband is trying to convince her that there are women out there who really, truly love giving copious amounts of oral sex to their husbands and who, according to him, actually love like don’t mind swallowing.

So dear average woman, is my friend’s husband a lying bastard, or does he have a point? (no pun intended)

Edited to add: My friend and her husband were laughing and teasing each other when they asked me to post this question. It was more about teasing each other than him making her do something she didn't want to do, promise. It was a tongue in cheek (penis in mouth?) type of thing.