Code Red

I must say that the Cipramil seems to be doing an excellent job on my anxiety levels. I didn’t like the pill in the beginning, it took me ages to adjust to the medication and for a long while I thought nothing would ever work. And the weight gain thing does not fill me with joy, but that being said, I have to admit the pill seems to be working. I have been feeling FAR more laid back and even-keeled the last few months. It’s really nice. I don’t feel spaced out, but I also don’t feel jumpy and hyper. One could even go so far as to say I feel ‘normal’. Whatever that is.

So when I started to feel really anxious these past few days my first reaction was ‘what the fuck is going on? Stupid *(^ing pills are not working’, but then I remembered that ‘normal’ people do have anxious moments and I have a BIG week ahead of me and so it is fine to feel anxious.

And I am feeling really anxious at the moment. It is a combination of things. I have my annual work review tomorrow, my first one with IBM and I am not quite sure what to expect. I am sure it will all be fine but I hate that type of thing. Then, I got told on Friday that I have to travel for work for two days, leaving on Tuesday. Which means a night away from the kids (which always stresses me out) and which means the kids miss the first day at school. So now I wonder whether I should send them on Friday, or leave it till Monday? What do you think?

And I know I am being an over protective, paranoid, neurotic mother, but I am really, really bloody nervous about the school thing. I have no doubt that the teacher is fantastic and the school is wonderful, but I am shitting myself about leaving them in a new place, on their own. But OF COURSE I can’t let them sense my fear or else they will be fearful themselves, I know that. I know billions of parents do it all the time, I know they will be fine, I know they will even love it.  I know all of that, but I still can’t help feeling EXTREMELY anxious about it. 

I wish I could live on an island somewhere. Where Marko could go fish for supper and the kids and I could spend all day together, gathering nuts or something. I am sure they don’t have annual performance reviews on an island.  

Comments

[Orange]

Of course, on the island, you'd have anxiety over the incessant search for food, the weather, wild animals, etc. Plus: No wine.

Send the kids to school! You're the one who's anxious about it, not them! They'll be fine. If they're nervous, they'll only be as nervous as the other kids (or less--they'll have each other, and they've met the teacher already), and teachers have years of experience dealing with first-day jitters. I know you don't want to foment your own anxieties in your kids!

[Lila]

Dear Tertia, I understand you very well. The most difficult part in parenting is to see that they take their steps in the outside world. You can't stop it. You educate them, you raise them not for yourself but for the outside world. I have teenagers and I know how hard it is to have them move somewhere, anywhere!, without the watchful eye and ready comfort of mother hen...

But just as they left your womb and discovered the world outside, they will draw wider and wider circles. It's our job as mothers to make sure they have the best equipment to do so, they have a secure base to fall back to and the feeling that it's okay to try their wings. They have to form relationships outside the family, learn social skills, get used to be in a peer group and they will enjoy school. Believe me, it's harder for you than for them.

I will be thinking of you tomorrow!!!! You are a fabulous mother and your children will enjoy climbing their own Mt. Everests, one at a time, in the secure knowledge that after school - home waits. Everything will be just fine after the days of adjustment. The water is not that cold once you get used to it... ;-)

[Melanie at Beanpaste]

A caution: there's no chilled chardonnay on desert islands.

[Kermit]

Send the kids to school. Take them yourself on Monday; it will still feel like a first day for you and you can tell your therapist that you can't help it when work travel interferes.

[Wenchy]

Hey..... that is a big one for me also.... remembering that 'normal' people have moments of anxiety also... I have the same reaction as you... the stupid pills are not working!!!

I think you should take the kids on Monday, when you can take them yourself. I think your feelings are quite normal.... my eldest son went to high school last year and I was beside myself with fear, anxiety and just wanting to protect him. It IS scary letting our kids make their way in the world.

I hate reviews at work also. We have them every six months and although I have never had an unpleasant one, I dislike them ALLOT.

Wishing you a good week.

[jb]

Send the kids on friday. I would want to go with them their first day as well. totally get that.
STOP beating yourself up about being anxious -- I honsetly think some of the after effects of infertility and Ben's death are HUGE. people who have not spent years in mourning for a child -- either one they held for hours/days/weeks OR one that has yet to come to them -- they don't get the anexity you are dealing with. I do. Its hard. Its really, really hard. Its a huge step. But, it is time and you will get through it. But remember, you are letting them go to preschool, not letting them go. SOmetimes I need that sort of reality check.

[Em]

First, with any good company (and I am sure IBM is a good company), nothing at your preformance review should be a shock. If they are having problems with you, you ought to know about it prior to going in for a review. If anything, I think you should expect to be surprised by how highly you are valued.
When you say "I know billions of parents do it all the time, I know they will be fine, I know they will even love it. I know all of that, but I still can’t help feeling EXTREMELY anxious about it. " I think you aren't being kind enough to yourself. Billions of people lose loved ones to cancer everyday, it doesn't make it less sad for each person. Certainly, I don't mean to draw that specific paralell, my point is only that just because LOTS of other people experience something doesn't make it less emotional for you when you do. So, in my opinion, go on and be anxious about sending the kids to school. I know I was. Then, when they do great, it will be a success all around.

I may want to move onto that island for you for making that cancer/preschool paralell but my swimmy brain can't find a replacement right now. My apologies.

[DebbieS]

As long as there are guavas on that deserted island, right? Just don't forget to pack some wine, first!

You're doing great. You're a mommy, you're supposed to freak out about your kids going to school, it's your job! We'd just all have to hate you if you were super-blase' about the whole thing ;)

Feel better yet? (We really do love you!)

P.S. Did you get my email?

[Melanie at Beanpaste]

A caution: there's no chilled chardonnay on desert islands.

[Kimberly]

Okay...here comes a voice of dissension.

Do they really *have* to go to school? It's playschool. They're barely three years old. They have Rose at home with them during the day and they have cousins to play with. I don't think the world will come crashing to an end if kids don't get involved in a peer group at the age of three. From the outside (non-parent here)it looks like playschool / nursery school / preschool is just another way to suck money out of families' pockets and make parents anxious about making sure their kids are on-track. I've seen kids in my family start school at three, four, five, and six years old and they're all okay. The ones who started at six aren't wallflowers and the ones who started at three aren't geniuses.

And your performance evaluation will be fine. :)

[jc]

Speaking from the voice of no experience whatsoever: since you were worried about them picking up on your fears their first day of school, it might be better for them to start while you are away. If you tell them they won't be starting because you aren't there for the first day, it might give them the idea there is something to be afraid of.

[Karyn]

Tertia, speaking with my daycare teacher hat on, let them start on the Monday, better for continuity etc.

YOU ARE A FANTASTIC MOM!!!It is natural to feel fear,acknowledge it, then let it go.Keeping the fear locked inside of you is a waste of precious energy and takes up space for the positive thoughts you need.

HUGS for the week ahead and your review tomorrow.

[Sarah]

A word of advice from a veteraned "playschool" mom: don't let the kids' teachers smell your fear either. No matter how good the school, the teachers are human, and I've heard many of them talk about the over-anxious/controlling/paranoid/yougetthepicture parent. We hate to think that it's possible for it to happen, but when the teachers dislike the parents or get the feeling that the parents don't trust their ability to take care of the children, it COULD (not saying it WOULD) but it could reflect on how they react to your kids. So try to keep your cool with both kids AND school until they give you reason to worry, which hopefully, they won't!

Good luck!

[Anny]

Can Marko take them on the first day? That would seem like a great compromise.

[kristylynne]

Sounds like a lot to handle at one time. V.v. normal for you to feel anxious.

I would send the kids to school as soon as you get back. No point in delaying, they will never even know they missed a day.

And it's v. normal for you to worry about sending them to school. However, you will get through the day, and so will they, and each time they go they will do better and better, and soon you will be looking back on it all and feeling so glad you took that big step.

One step at a time, one day at a time. Hang in there, Tertia.

[Dani]

I just wanted to say that I can totally understand your feelings about your kids and school. I'm a teacher and in my mind I knew that my son would be fine. When we brought him to school he cried when I was trying to leave. I knew in my teacher's side of my mind that as soon as I left my son would stop crying. But as a mother I felt horrible. I wondered if I was damamging him and would this expierence send him to years of thearpy when he was older. My heart just broke. But, I waited outside the door where he couldn't see me and sure enough he went from sobbing to talking within a couple of minutes. When I picked him up after school he was happy as a pea. This was just 2 months ago. We still struggle at times going to school but the teacher always reports that he's fine in school and he's always happy when I pick him up. He's 3. So, my point is, you will probablly feel terrible, but most likely your children will be fine. And if it doesn't work out, just remember its NOT a big deal. You can always re-evaluate and change your plans.

[JuliaKB]

Yes, but who would cook the fish?

Good luck on everything this week.

['wishIknew']

Tertia,

I really think they will LOVE it!
My son started going when he was 2.5 and he really likes school. The first few days he was fine - it was all new and exciting and he went right in. I was the lunatic Mom outside hiding behind trees and bushes trying to get a peek in the windows without him seeing.
My school is a co-op so the parents help in the classroom on a rotating schedule. It wasn't until after I had my turn in the class room that my son started not wanting me to leave when I took him in the morning. There were a few times when we was crying and that was REALLY hard but the next Mom who came out the door told me he had already stopped and one time all it took was for the teacher to hold him and he stopped. Now he gives me a hug goodbye and is on his way - so much to do. It will be OK - I really think they will both love it!
I would vote for the Friday start so they get used to it a bit before the next week.
Remember to take deep breaths in and out, in and out.
You'll be fine. Someday you will look back and tell another worried mom not to worry.
Best,
'wishIknew'

[Sister Mel]

Get Marko to take and Nina to fetch then they get to go, they don't see you being so freaked and you don't have the scary feeling. Maybe some of this paranoia is cos you were such a pain and your 1st expereince was bad with clinging on Mom's leg and the teacher trying to pry you off?

[Jeanne]

On Sarah's thought that the teachers might dislike your kids if they find you're being analtine with your anxities, I doubt it. Don't go adding that to your list of thing to worry about it.

I can't see you being one of those really paranoid types who make a teacher feel you doubt her ability to manage your children well. I'm quite sure the school is very used to mothers going through what you're going through and they'll take it in their stride as part of their job. In fact quite to the contrary, I think they will also pay Adam and Kate that extra little bit of attention as they'll know it's important to you to hear EXACTLY every detail of how they're getting along.

[Lauren]

Hi Tertia

Take the kids to school on Monday. When my toddler started school I remember the pre-school teacher telling me that it's not ideal to start kids at a new school on a Friday - very disruptive and confusing for them.

And try not to worry (!) - they will love the interaction and stimulation. It may take a few days but hang in there :-)

[Lizelle]

Hi Tertia - They will be fine and you will be fine. Going to school for the first time is a big thing - my anxiety levels are up a couple of notches for Wednesday already (and it's my son's third year there!) He can't wait to get back to see the teachers and his friends, I'm nervous... go figure! Good luck!

[Wyliekat]

Normal people do have anxieties. And certain things bring them out worse than others. You mentioned two fairly large whammies.

For what it's worth, I had way more anxiety about my daughter going into daycare before it happened. It was much easier once I'd broken the proverbial seal.

[Edna]

Well written article.