So Close

Water wise

I know this might upset some of you, especially the tree-huggers, but I am not a big recycler. In fact, I don’t recycle. Terrible, I know. Recycling is not a big thing here in South Africa, but that is no excuse. However, one thing I am all tree-huggy about is water. I have this weird thing about water, I hate wasting water. It makes me all agitated.

One of the best things Marko ever bought for me was a grey water system. I love that thing. Marko hates it. He hates it because he has to clean the filter every weekend, and because I am forever telling him to turn it up, change it, fix it etc. He often catches me staring dreamily out the window and he knows not to ask what I am doing; I am busy staring at the grey water system come on. All that lovely recycled water going back into the garden.

It’s the same when it rains. I love the rain. I can sit for hours looking at the rain, imagining how happy the plants must be to get some moisture. It’s strange really, because I am not a big gardener and I am definitely not a tree hugger, but the thought of a thirsty plant is like a stone in my shoe. 

Of course, that puts me in a terrible predicament during summer. We have a winter rainfall pattern here, which means a hot, dry summer. Thirsty plants. But putting the (normal water) irrigation on means wasting litres of water. What to do, what to do. The grey water is not nearly enough to keep my (really not very big) garden alive. What I should do is install a borehole (‘drilled well point’ I think you call it) and then I can use the water that comes from the ground and it will flow back into the ground again. So expensive though. My dad had one put in and it ended up costing him almost $10,000. That’s a lot of money. Or I could just put buckets in the shower and collect water that way.

Yesterday was yet another scorcher and I found the perfect activity for the kids – playing with their caterpillar sprinkler. They get to play with water, their favourite activity AND my lawn gets watered at the same time. I am such a clever sausage.

I think I am going to ask for a borehole for Christmas next year. That will make me really happy.

I am going to come back later and tell you about my relaxing day at the beach. Not!

You need big balls to blog

And even though I have pretty big balls myself, it sometimes gets a bit much, even for me. And so I shut the comments down yesterday after my chat with my sister.  As I said, it is never easy hearing that you are in the wrong, but I am man enough to hear what you were saying and accept that I was wrong. Although I was hopping from one foot to the other going “ouch! Ouch! OUCH” after every comment. After several ouches all directed at the same spot I thought it was enough. I got the message, LOUD and CLEAR, there would be no point in hearing it another 50 times.

My darling friend Tess sent me a note this morning:  "hi bebe, how was talk with nina? you made it sound v. breezy and amicable...was really okay?"

It really was ok. Fine actually. Nina came around and I said that I was feeling really bad. She asked why and I told her about what I had written on my blog. I asked her to read the post and your comments and we had a cool chat about it afterwards. She said she felt a bit embarrassed because it really wasn’t a big thing (I obviously make it sound worse on my blog than it is in order to bring my point across). But even if it she says it isn’t a big thing, you made me realize that the kids were coming across as bratty and that isn’t a good thing. Which was mentioned a few times by your kind selves.

The behaviour was really easy to stop. Nina and Lily arrived and they said “No Lily, that is my xxxx” and I said “No Adam and Kate, you are being rude. You must share with your cousin” and so they did. Simple. All sorted. We can all go back to being friends again. Good.

Now stop kicking me in the balls!

PS have I mentioned that it is summer here and I AM ON HOLIDAY!!!!  Wooo hooo!

Odd man out

When we were growing up, Sister Mel and I were best friends. We did everything together and then four years later my little sister Nina was born. Poor Nina, she was always tagging along, trying to do cool stuff with us, but she was a baby and we were too big to play with babies. She wanted to skip with us but we told her she was too small to skip and the only thing she was allowed to do was to turn the rope while we skipped. I think it must have been really tough for her, being the odd man out. Fast forward to 30 years later and she must be feeling some kind of déjà vu.

Of course by now, Nina is way cooler than Sister Mel and I. Nina is by far the better cook / interior decorator / hostess / party thrower etc.  Her children wear the coolest clothes and because her husband works on assignment, they live in exotic places all over the world.

Nina and her family (Lily-Rose who is exactly a year younger than A&K and baby Zack, who is 4 months old) are visiting South Africa in between assignments and I love having her around. She is a much better drinking partner than Sister Mel and she stays just up the road. (Sister Mel stays quite far away plus she is a pretty pathetic drinker).

As sisters, one of the things we have looked forward to is having our kids play together. We are a very close family, so seeing all the kids together is really special to us. But of course, real children don’t behave like Barney kids (except Mel’s middle child Rebeka, who is the sweete t, most polite kid in the world) and so instead of the three sisters looking proudly at the idyllic picture of the offspring playing beautifully together, we have shouts of “MINE”, pushing, crying and the occasional hair pulling.

It is actually not that bad, they do play quite nicely together, but of course there is the occasional argument. And this is where the ‘odd man out’ thing comes into play.

Adam and Kate tend to gang up against Lily-Rose.  When Nina comes to visit with Lily-Rose, Adam and Kate immediately start gathering up their things and saying “No Lily-Rose you can’t have this, this is mine” or “that is my sister’s thing, don’t touch it” Or they stand in front of the TV and say “No Lily-Rose, this is our TV” etc etc. They do it for a while and then everyone chills out and starts playing. I don’t think it is a big thing, in my mind they are just posturing, acting like the tough guy. It is not that they don’t like her, they do like her, they often ask after her; it is just that they almost need to stamp their authority when she first comes to visit. Lily-Rose is completely oblivious, she is one tough cookie. She either gives back as good as she gets, or she just ignores them. But I think it bugs my sister. Well, I know it does because she makes little remarks like “don’t worry Lily-Rose, they are just being nasty”, or “Don’t worry Lily-Rose, they are being ugly for not sharing”. Not in a mean way towards the kids, but in a pointed way. She is quite a sensitive person and perhaps she is projecting some of what she felt as a child on to Lily.

I will chat to her about it but I wanted to know your opinion. Should I make the kids include their cousin in their games? Should I reprimand them when they stand in front of the TV and say “no Lily-Rose, this is our TV”? I could be wrong, I am more than prepared to accept that, but I really don’t see it as being mean or nasty. They are only three and two years old respectively. Yes, I suppose I could say “No Adam and Kate, that is not kind. Share your TV with your cousin”, except that is their TV and they are just reminding their youngest cousin what her position in the pecking order is. To which she takes absolutely no notice of by the way, as I said, she is one tough cookie. Tougher than them actually. It is just that there are two of them, and only one of her. Just like when Nina was little.

What do you think?

PS This is never problem with their other cousin Fifi because (a) Fifi is older than them, and I think they know it and (b) they are used to her as she is often around.  Lily-Rose they only see once or twice a year.

PPS  Please don't think my children were actually eating those carrots and apples in the car.  We were on the way to feed the horsies.

PPPS  Can you see why Sister Mel has previously graced the cover of Cosmopolitan magazine and modeled all over the world?  Even at that age, even in those bloody awful clothes my mother used to make us wear, she was damn photogenic even then. That cute baby on Sister Mel's lap?  That is our handsome little brother Paul, who lives in London and who we all miss v v much.

Officially Offended

You’ll be pleased to know that I can now officially say that I am Offended.

I’ve never really thought about being offended before. About whether I should or shouldn’t be, but the one thing that this blog has taught me is that there are plenty people out there who get offended VERY EASILY and VERY OFTEN. Often by something I’ve just written on this here very blog. Boy oh boy, but there are some easily offended people out there.

It got me thinking; am I missing something here? Why do I not get offended by things? I get cross, sure. I take things personally far too often. But offended? Not really. Swearing doesn’t offend me. Clearly. Risqué humour doesn’t offend me either. Obviously. I abhor sexist / racist / prejudiced behaviour, but that doesn’t offend me, it pisses me off. 

It’s really been bugging me. I’ve been wondering whether I am missing something. Perhaps like one's pain threshold, some people have a lower or higher tolerance towards being offended? Perhaps I’ve been offended all along and not known? Perhaps I am too thick-skinned to be offended? OMG, WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME!! WHY AREN’T I OFFENDED MORE OFTEN??

And then! Just when I was beginning to worry whether there was something dire wrong with me, I’ve been offended TWICE in one week!! I couldn’t wait to tell you.

The first thing is kind of half not too bad. I mean, it is not offensive in itself; it’s just well, offensive. I’m not going to get into it now, but you know how you are always telling me that the religious nuts offend you and I am always saying ‘let them be’? Well, I kind of get what you mean.

However, the second one officially offended me. So much so, that I wrote a letter to someone about it.  That classifies as being offended, right? If you write a letter (comment) about it, then you must be really Offended.

As you might or might not know, I am a big Facebooker. Never mind that I am about 700 years older than the average person on Facebook, I love it. I’ve made contact with people that I haven’t seen in decades. Which just goes to show how old I really am. I talk in decades, not years.

Anyway, once you’ve registered your profile on Facebook, you can add applications. Fun things, useful things – mostly silly things. I’ve added lots and deleted most of them but one of the applications I’ve kept is an application by a company called RockYou. The application allows you to answer a series of fun quizzes and then compares your results to your Facebook friends to see who is like you or not. The application is called Likeness. What type of drink you like, what is your favourite way of relaxing etc. It’s all very lighthearted and silly. They then added another application called Likeness Unrated which is the risqué version. Still very silly, but fairly fun. Harmless. Until I opened the latest quiz. 

“Choose the most likely thing you will do first”.

Now, I can take a joke with the best of them, I am far from uptight. I can laugh at all sorts of shit, and if I don’t find it particularly funny, I understand that someone else might. But I don’t see how “kicking an infant” can ever be funny, no matter how fucked up your sense of humour is. Child abuse is never, ever funny and I fail to see how anyone can think it is ok to include this as an option on a quiz, no matter how ‘silly’ it was meant to be.

I actually couldn’t believe that any company could put their name against something like that, and so I chose to believe that RockYou doesn’t know that quiz exists. It is possible, I think. People can add their own quizzes so perhaps some asshole added that quiz without their knowledge. I am choosing to believe that is the truth and I am looking forward to their response to my email request to have that quiz removed immediately.

Because I don’t care what age, culture, background or sense of humour you have; child abuse is never, every funny.

So there you have it, I am officially offended.

Last on my list of 'Things To Do Before My Holiday Starts'

Katie E E aka The Doggy

Kate is going through a pretend phase.  She is always pretending to be some animal. “I am a doggie, Mama. Call the doggie”. “Doggy! Doggy, come eat your food, Doggie”. It helps with the feeding thing. Last night she was a crocodile and I told her that crocodiles love eating ham. So she ate her ham. I’m thinking of telling her that doggies love vegetables and see if that works.

One day last week I was lying on bed while Adam was using me as an entertainment centre / play gym / ladder etc and Kate was pretending to be a dog again. While I lay there trying to protect my bits from being trampled on, Kate was “licking the Mama-doggy”. “This doggy is licking your foot.” Hello doggy. “This doggy is licking your leg.”  Lovely. (She always talks about her animal personas in the third person). I wasn’t really paying too much attention except to say hmmm and wow at the appropriate moment, because as unpleasant as it is to be licked by your almost three year old, the more pressing concern is making sure your boy child is not about to land on your new fake boobs when he jumps from 4 foot above you. Besides the fear that they might just burst, it is bloody sore.

Anyway, the one is jumping on me and the other one is licking me. “This doggy is licking your leg”  Hmmm.  “This doggy is licking your tummy”  Hmmm. “This doggy is licking your fanny (the word we use for vagina)” No, no! Don’t lick my fanny. Suddenly paying attention. Here, lick mama’s arm”

The other day I told Kate (who is still going by the name of Katie E E by the way) that she and her brother must stop pooping in the garden. I told her that it was disgusting and the two of them were like dogs. As the words left my mouth I realized it was an extremely bad choice of words. Her eyes lit up and she dropped to her knees, “I am a doggy Mama, woof woof”.

It is quite a sweet phase (besides the licking business) and she really does have a great imagination. Adam is totally different; he has no interest in pretending. He wants to build blocks, play with his cars or use his mother as a trampoline. Bit like his father actually, now that I think about it.

Funny children. I really am enjoying this age very much.

Wishful thinking

No, no darlings, don't even let the thought enter your gorgeous heads. Am DEFINITELY not pregnant. As if. It was just a case of wishful thinking.

I am however, v v busy.  It is all very childish really, expecting me to actually W O R K in December in Cape Town. No one works in December in Cape Town.  And this two days before my leave!!  Can't bear it.

Have done post on adult SID/SPD that I just need to polish up, will post later or tomorrow.

Can't believe it is not good enough to just pitch up and look good. Now they want me to W O R K as well?  Slave drivers.

Like a well-oiled machine

Because I am so in tune with my flawlessly functioning body, I can say with a certain degree of confidence that one of the following options is true: 

1. I have a cyst on my ovary (pain in left ovary)
2. I am busy ovulating (pain in left ovary, tender boobs)
3. I am about to get my period (tender boobs, hungry)
4. I am pregnant (tender boobs, hungry)
5. None of the above (am just falling apart at the seams) 

Not that it has any relevance what so ever, I am on CD39. Fun fun fun! 

Anyway, moving on swiftly, to the 8 people who thought I had earned over 2 million dollars from my book – thank you. Now, wouldn’t that be nice. 

To the 73 people who thought I had earned a mere $23 from my book – Seriously? Oh ye of little faith. I might have said I did the book for love, not for money, but still…$23? 

No, the truth of the matter is that I have made a whopping $2300 from my book so far. Excluding expenses. Including expenses (and not accounting for my time), I’ve probably made a profit of about $1000. I clearly won’t be giving up my day job anytime soon. 

In this country, where books are expensive, people are poor and the literacy rates are so low, I was never going to make a fortune. Luckily I really did do it for love and not money. 

Now, the UK deal is a different kettle of fish altogether.  I expect you Europeans to buy my book in numbers, allowing me to retire to a life of luxury. (No advance, only getting commission on sales, so buy copies for ALL your friends). Love wont pay the (manicure and pedicure) bills I am afraid. Remember, my future is in your hands! 

To end, thank goodness I didn’t tell you that Adam recently slept through the night TWICE for the first time in, oh, EVER.  Because then I would have to take it all back and tell you that for the last two nights he has been a complete enema, waking up a million times. 

Sigh. Poor and tired. With tender boobs and an aching ovary. No wonder I look and feel a hundred years old.

I think I just peed in my pants

I don't like sending or receiving jokes on email. I hardly ever open the jokey emails and over the years I've managed to drop off most people's 'list of people to send unfunny shit to'.  If people persist on sending me 'funny' stuff, I usually ask them to stop.

However, there are a handful of people who have the same sense of humour as I do, and when they send me the occasional funny email, I read it because I know I will enjoy the humour. My brother in law is one such person, and my half-American / half South African friend Sue is another one whose emails I always read.  She sent me this link yesterday. I've already watched it 3 times. Hilarious!

Best First Dance At A Wedding Ever

I love those Aussies plus my book on Amazon

I love the Aussies. Well, actually, I HATE it when we play sport against them, because those bloody Aussies always beat us.  Annoys the shit out of me.  South Africa and Australia are very competitive on the sports field.  Bloody Warne. And Lee.  That Lee bloke is far too cocky.

Anyway, I love Australians.  They have the best sense of humour.  Australians can take a joke and they love taking the piss at themselves.  So considering my fondness for those Aussies, imagine how delighted I was when one of their top bloggers Karen Cheng asked whether she could interview me on her blog!!!  Really, really cool. Check out the interview here.

And even cooler, you will notice that my book is available for pre-order on Amazon - EVENTUALLY!! Unfortunately my US agent wont give up the US rights for the book, so the book is only available on Amazon UK, but I am sure you Americans can get it from there to?  At least it is one step closer. V v exciting!!! (Don' t you just love the new cover??  Love it)

My book is also available from Tesco, Play.com, Waterstones, Blackwell and WHSmith

To end off, I thought I would do a little quiz. A competition of sorts. The winner will get a weekend away with Marko and the kids.  I'll be at home reading books and drinking wine.

How much money do you think you think I've earned from my book to date.  Total amount including any advances, royalties, commission etc, excluding any expenses.  Answer revealed tomorrow.