Like a well-oiled machine

Because I am so in tune with my flawlessly functioning body, I can say with a certain degree of confidence that one of the following options is true: 

1. I have a cyst on my ovary (pain in left ovary)
2. I am busy ovulating (pain in left ovary, tender boobs)
3. I am about to get my period (tender boobs, hungry)
4. I am pregnant (tender boobs, hungry)
5. None of the above (am just falling apart at the seams) 

Not that it has any relevance what so ever, I am on CD39. Fun fun fun! 

Anyway, moving on swiftly, to the 8 people who thought I had earned over 2 million dollars from my book – thank you. Now, wouldn’t that be nice. 

To the 73 people who thought I had earned a mere $23 from my book – Seriously? Oh ye of little faith. I might have said I did the book for love, not for money, but still…$23? 

No, the truth of the matter is that I have made a whopping $2300 from my book so far. Excluding expenses. Including expenses (and not accounting for my time), I’ve probably made a profit of about $1000. I clearly won’t be giving up my day job anytime soon. 

In this country, where books are expensive, people are poor and the literacy rates are so low, I was never going to make a fortune. Luckily I really did do it for love and not money. 

Now, the UK deal is a different kettle of fish altogether.  I expect you Europeans to buy my book in numbers, allowing me to retire to a life of luxury. (No advance, only getting commission on sales, so buy copies for ALL your friends). Love wont pay the (manicure and pedicure) bills I am afraid. Remember, my future is in your hands! 

To end, thank goodness I didn’t tell you that Adam recently slept through the night TWICE for the first time in, oh, EVER.  Because then I would have to take it all back and tell you that for the last two nights he has been a complete enema, waking up a million times. 

Sigh. Poor and tired. With tender boobs and an aching ovary. No wonder I look and feel a hundred years old.

Comments

[Egg Donor (ret.)]

Pfffffph. You look fabulous. You may FEEL old, but you know...it's better to look good than to feel good and you look marvelous! ;)

[Orange]

Yay! I guessed right. And, because I'm a huge asshole, I'll tell you that I've made more from my book.

My son is 7, and he likes to wake up during the night and climb into Mom and Dad's bed. Last night, I've been informed by the boy, he woke up at 1 a.m. and found that I had not left him enough room at the side of the bed, nor in the middle between me and my husband. So apparently, the kid shook my shoulder to try to wake me up, and pushed and pushed to try to get enough room for himself, then gave up and accepted a skinny swath of bed beside me. Yup, I slept through all of it. Am world-class champion sleeper. Wasn't even drunk.

[Kermit]

"a complete enema"

~snicker~

I picked 23,000. I hope that figure is true someday!

[Geohde]

CD 39? That's not so bad from one PCO'er to another. :)

Which of option 1-5 were you plumping for BTW, or did I miss something?

J

[zerch]

Considering some of your Vagina Posse members are preggers (Jo, Julia and Karen) ... I'd bet $23 on #4.

[Kim]

Come on - pee on a stick, we are waiting for the result already. Maybe your next book will make the money, possibly unrelated to infertility because that surely has a limited market - you can do it, you have great writing skills, keeping us all out here entertained.

[beth]

Oh, the whole cyst-that-makes-you-think-you-might-be-pregnant.

I love those. They're my favorite.

*sigh*

But I hope that's NOT what's happening to you. Yeah- you need to pee on a stick... like yesterday.

[Tertia]

Can't pee on a stick. Because that would be pretending that there could be a possibility that I could be pregnant and we all know how ridiculous that is.

Never mind actually peeing on a stick, the minute I bought one people would start laughing and pointing and saying "HAHAHAHA! Look at that pathetic wannbe, pretending as if (a) she could actually ovulate and (b) get pregnant naturally." Lets stone her for her stupidity. So you see, as much as I would love to pee on a stick, I just can't.

[SCY]

Darn, I really thought you would have made at least $23 000... Oh well $2 300 is better than nothing and the sales will continue to happen so who knows perhaps that $23 000 is not such a dream after all right? Please say right, I am trying to get a book on paper and need the hope ;)

[SCY]

Oh, forgot to mention CD 39 is pretty good, I am on CD 112 with no end in sight *sigh*

[Kim]

well, you could always get in a bit of couch action tonight just to cover things in case its an ovulation ache.

[Woody's Girl]

I anticipate your book sales to SOAR, once it is readily available around the globe. I'm willing to bet that the UK and US will gobble.it.up. in vast numbers! What's the holdup with getting it across the pond to USA?

Sorry to hear about your annoying "Symptoms of Something." Naturally, I will cross my fingers that (another!) miracle has occurred for your family, but barring that, I hope at leaste the discomfort goes away quickly.

[CandiceofFertilitree]

From 1 serial tester to another - can I just send you a pack of sticks, you can even just keep them in the cupboard......or just let K&A pretend that they are cigars and just play with them?? :)

[Wyliekat]

I actually had to resort to a shot of gin in the middle of the night, last night. To fall asleep. Once I convinced my stomach that the gin should stay where I put it, that is.

Is this a sign of aging as well? No? Just general stupidity on my part. Oh, well.

[Janine]

I'd be at the pharmacy buying the stick before even finishing typing that blog entry.
Good grief, woman, go pee on the stick already!

[sheilah]

Hmmm...you're gonna have to sell a lot of books. A friend of mine is an author (mostly romance novel paperbacks) and she says she gets maybe a dollar per book.

You're going to have to redefine the meaning of 'retire in luxury' to be a Big Mac and fries and a night at a cheap motel every 6 months or so.

[21stCenturyMom]

I guessed $23,000 because you would easily make that and then quite a bit in the US so those agents and publishers should quite pissing around and let you have a deal!

[violet]

...Considering some of your Vagina Posse members are preggers (Jo, Julia and Karen) ... I'd bet $23 on #4.

Ummm----I'm pretty sure Jo's not pregnant. Unless I missed a HUGE post.

[Jan]

Wait ... Jo's pregnant? How did I miss that?

Oh, and, um, yeah, some supportive words for you, too, Tertia. Heh. Gossip trumps kindness, sorry.

[kathleen999]

No, Julie is pregnant, not Jo.

Hope you feel better Tertia! :)

[KarenT]

The best way to induce a period is to buy a stick to pee on. When you get home from the store and go into the bathroom, Voila!

[Chickenpig]

Can it be number four??? Pleease :)I got the 2,500 right, maybe I can be right about this too?

I may not be a member of your posse, but I'm also pregnant. Six and 1/2 weeks with one little bean, little flashlight heart beating away on the screen :)

I'm sorry I haven't replied to your letters, T, they have been put away out of sight in my bulk folder. Now go pee on a stick already! Number 4! Number 4!

[kristylynne]

Excuse me? CD 39 and tender boobs? For the love of god, woman, please pee on a stick.

And sorry for the sleep woes. I have been there too, and it's such a miracle when they finally start sleeping through the night. I hope that Adam is on the right track at last and will go back to sleeping soundly tonight!

[Christine]

Hi. Just found your blog and wanted to say hi. I'm pregnant...... paper pregnant that is.... to adopt a little boy from Ukraine.

God Bless.

[Mands]

Oh sh1T! I am sick with anticipation! Pleeeeeez pee on a stick. No, don't. They're evil. Okay, do. Wait no. SH1T!!!!!
Aaaaaaaaarghhhh! Okay, just do it. And report back IMMEDIATELY!

[Bianca W]

You know what? You drive us all NUTS when you say shit like that! Now, you have left us hanging, and all we want for you for Christmas is a bfp! Just POST again - dammit!

:-)