Knock Yourself Up

I’ve just read the most marvelous book entitled “Knock Yourself Up: A Tell-All Guide to Becoming a Single Mom” by Louise Sloan. It is a fabulous book and an absolute Must Read for anyone who is thinking about becoming a single mom.

“Knock Yourself Up features Louise’s own hilarious and heart-warming story, plus the experiences of other women from all over the U.S. who decided they wouldn’t let being single stand in the way of creating a family. This entertaining and informative book is required reading for any single woman over 30 who thinks she might want kids someday.”

Many single moms by choice (SMC) have to do some type of assisted reproductive procedure, so I could relate to some of that. I loved this book so much, and by the end of it I loved Louise too. She is really funny. I’ve been emailing back and forth with her*.  V G&D.  Such a fabulous insight into this world.

A friend of mine has three children, the first one she raised as a single mom for 6 years until she met her current husband. She says that while there are definite pluses to raising children when in a committed relationship, the six years she spent as a single mom to her son were some of the best times of her life. Even though she battled financially, and had some tough times, there were so many golden moments when it was just the two of them. Louise speaks about that too, and in a way, I am a little envious of that. I wouldn’t give up my husband for the world (ok, so maybe I would consider offers between 500k-1m USD), but sometimes I do fantasize about what it would be like. To be on my own with the kids. Sounds terribly disloyal doesn’t it. I only really have these thoughts when he is being an absolute asshole and it is either leave him or kill him. The thought of never having to share or compromise on the parenting thing does sound rather delicious. Plus as Louise and my friend say, if there is no partner, there is no opportunity for that age old resentment about who does more or whose turn it is; it is always your turn. Which is exactly why being a single mom is both wonderful and exhausting at the same time.

I would love to hear some thoughts from my SMC friends out there.  Especially those who have done both, been in a relationship and done the single mother thing. What has your experience been like? What advice would you give to others? What about those who are choosing to wait for “Mr or Ms Right” before having children? Why aren’t you pursuing single motherhood? V interested to hear your thoughts on this. (BTW, I have two SMC friends who have twins! Now THAT is a tough job.)

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*Louise told me that she received a stack of hate mail from some people, so I asked her why:

"Oh, because I'm a selfish, man-hating, fatherhood-bashing monstrosity who didn't give a moment's thought to how my choice might affect my child, I was too busy thinking about me, me, me; in fact I had him as a lifestyle accessory, like an expensive purse or an espresso maker. "

Can you actually believe there are people like that out there!  Stupid assholes. I couldn't believe it.  But she says that 99% of the feedback has been amazingly positive and I can understand why. Really divine book. For SMC or for anyone else.

Read more here. Buy the book here

Comments

[Lindsey]

I got pregnant - by accident - and chose to have her... knowing it would mean I would be doing it alone. Does that make me an SMC? LOL

Doing it alone is fun a lot of the time. i'm her favorite person on the planet 100% of the time, no contest. She's almost three.

There's stress, for sure. Some sadness of wanting to share certain parts of this with someone. But all in all, I think we have a pretty fab life. She's my world and I'm hers and that's all there is to it.

[Shari]

I was a single parent for 10 years with three kids and am now married. It was much, much easier being a single parent. We are now talking about having a baby together and it scares the crap out of me. It seems that it is soooo hard to have young children and a healthy marriage. Will I survive? Can't wait to read all the comments!

[Deb2You2]

I'm an single mom by choice and often can't imagine doing it with a partner or having any energy left over for a healthy relationship at the end of the day. That being said, I knew I would have to work full time going in and my biggest shock has been a strong desire to be a SAHM after having my son. Sure, it can be difficult at times, especially when you both are sick. The logistics can boggle the mind at times. It helps if you don't need a lot of sleep, but...oh my...the joys are indescribable. Last Friday, I woke up to rain (which is a pain in Southern CA) sick and stressed and needing to get in the doctor before having to go out of town during the middle of a very expensive IVF cycle (been trying for #2) and in a general bad mood (which is rare for me). My son (27 months) woke up singing "it's raining, it's pouring, can't get up in the morning". I just fell out laughing and that was the end of my bad mood. Best decision I ever made. I haven't read the book, but the biggest fallacy I had in the whole process was that it should/would be easy to conceive, since my only known fertility issue was lack of a partner. The hardest thing I have done in my life is dealing with fertility issues, miscarriages and difficulty conceiving as a single woman. It isn't for wimps, but it is all worth it if it works.

[calliope]

As a potential SMC (2 years trying...grumble) I am glad to hear of another book by a fellow single gal. Having the diagnosis of unexplained infertility and still trying to get knocked up is especially hard for single gals. We seldom have anyone in the waiting room holding our hands. We don't have someone to come home to to rub our feet or cry with us, no one to give us injections or hold our purses as we go back for follicle checking ultrasounds.

it can suck ass.

But, man is it good to hear about other women blazing the trail.

[Lauraszoo]

well, I just became a single mom to 5 kids. But it wasn't by choice. I am hoping it's going to work out swell. I'll be reading all the comments, looking for the good parts. Thanks.

[Cricket]

I would never do DI unless I had great support. I cannot be a good mother if I am on 24/7. I must have time off the parenting clock. I never thought there would be a benefit of having an ex husband, but at least he gives me free time every Wednesday and every other weekend. In fact, I get much more free time now than when we were married. I don't think DI places do the visitation thing. heh

[margalit]

I've been a single mom since my kids were born, after 8 years of infertility treatment. I've been doing it for 15 years now, and although I know and have said all of the good things about being single, the fact is, when there are problems with your kids, you really do need a second person to vent to. And when your kids are teens and doing really stupid things (just you wait), it would be SO MUCH easier with a second parent. I don't miss having a partner at all, but I very much miss having the help, the second income, the support, and a person to deal with the kids while I go to a spa (never ever been to one...haven't had a vacation in 15 years.) I'm exhausted. Physically, mentally, emotionally exhausted. I have 3 more years until college and I'm ticking off the days already.

[Erin]

Thank you so much for posting this. Though I'm not ready for children yet, the idea of becoming a SMC becomes more and more appealing each time I have a disastrous date (or no date at all). I'll definitely be ordering this book.

[Bump Fairy]

The book sounds neat and I intend to read it... but I'm curious. Would your readers have such a positive reaction to this if it were about being a single DAD by choice?

[Tertia]

Bumpfairy - I don't see why the reaction would be as positive, if not more so? I think dads who choose to raise their kids alone are pretty awesome too. Any single parent is worth some serious admiration, cos it is a damn tough job, even with someone at your side.

[liz]

What a great topic!

I think Tertia nailed it with "being a single mom is both wonderful and exhausting at the same time". I became a single mom about a year ago to two boys, who are now 3 1/2 and almost two.

And I have to say that without a doubt, doing it alone is worlds better than being a parent with someone you fight with/resent/doesn't respect you/etc etc.

It is absolutely exhausting. But at the end of the day, if I want to put the kids in bed and then promptly crash myself, there is no one there to whine about dirty dishes still sitting on the table, laundry not yet put away, and the general chaos that my house is often in.

I think if my marriage had been wonderful and THEN I'd found out he cheated on me and wanted a divorce, it would be a lot harder. But in many ways I was already doing it on my own. And on the off chance he pitched in and did something with/for the kids, we had to treat him like the world's greatest father...instead of someone who finally did what a father should. So now I have my darling boys to myself (except for every other holiday...) and I know that their successes and failures rest upon my shoulders alone.

All that said, it can be very very lonely. I don't have anyone to share things with at the end of the day -- to laugh with, to share with, to cry with, to share a bottle of wine with. But I am getting better at the drinking on my own thing...

[Suzie-Q.]

I am one of the SMC's with twins... I have been divorced for many years and always thought my 2nd "Mr. Right" would come along, but, he never did. I found it very difficult to give up on the fantasy of falling in love again and finding the man of my dreams with whom i would start my lifelong dream of having a family with. That is what took me so long. That is what takes many women a long time...

Finally, at age 43 I did one cycle of IVF and got PG with anonymous donor sperm. I had only two embryos to transfer when all was said and done and, although, I was only given a 10% chance of success with IVF by the top clinic in the US for women over 40, I got PG and delivered healthy, perfect boy/girl twins at 34 weeks just a few weeks shy of my turning 44 years old.
I never wanted 2 (by myself). I never expected to even get one, so, when I delivered the twins it was quite a shock to all. (The statistics against getting PG with my own eggs is ridiculously low at my age, the stats for having a miscarriage and children with extreme genetic defects is ridiculously high at my age and overall, the chances of delivering very prematurely creating a whole set of other problems were quite high also).
I was extremely torn while pregnant about the prospect of having two alone. And i mean really alone. I have no mother or family anywhere near where i live except for my 79 year old father and not much in the way of financial resources. My dad helps out financially (thank god!), but, the real help you need as a SMC (especially with twins) is that extra pair of hands. It is physically, mentally and emotionally exhausting to take care of twin preemies alone when in your 40's. I was not at all prepared for the reality of what my life looks like.
If i could have been guaranteed just having one healthy baby at the end of my pregnancy, knowing what i know now, i would have had a selective reduction. I absolutely adore my children, but, one would have been more than enough for me, given my situation, thank you very much.
Oh, i am ecstatic they have each other, but, it has really been too much for me, personally.
There is so much to be said for not having to share child-raising decisions, yet, having another parent in the equation (married or divorced) would take a huge burden off of my shoulders. It was my choice to do it this way, yet, I can't help but wish I had an "asshole ex-husband" to help share in this huge responsibility and to give me some time off.
As it is i never, ever, ever, ever, ever get a break. That's dangerous for anybody in any situation. When the kids are sick, or (god forbid) I am sick my finely tuned machinery (must stay organized to survive!) just crumbles and chaos ensues. The isolation and lonliness are always just under the surface. Not having someone to share the good parts of parenting also sucks. So many times I have wanted to share the tiniest joy of motherhood with someone who REALLY cares, but, there is no one who wants to hear about my child's first poopy in the potty, or, how brilliantly my child taught herself the alphabet, etc.
I was plagued with severe sleep deprivation and PPD for a year after their birth. Both my children had reflux which was difficult to handle for two at once, both had to wear helmets because they developed flat spots on their heads from me not being able to hold each one enough. Now, they are almost three and besides the "terrible two's", the tantrums, the limit=testing, etc. I can finally see a tiny speck of light at the end of the tunnel.
My children have filled my life in immeasurable ways and I am not sorry I had them, but, when things get bad in my world, i don't just have a glass of wine... i think of ways i can put my children up for adoption that would be "guilt-free" for me. LOL!
I know that the bond I (FINALLY) have with my children is rare and intense because I am the only parent they have ever known, and,that is quite a special thing to experience. But, it took me almost 18 months to bond with them because for so long it felt like I was on a treadmill just trying to keep us all alive for one more day...
Do I recommend becoming a SMC? Yes, unequivocally, if you have the resources (financial, family support, great nanny, devoted friends, stable job, etc.). But, i never will recommend having two alone under any circumstances. One, sure. One is a piece of cake to me. On the rare days i am alone with one twin I feel like I can conquer the world! I can't understand how anyone could whine about having only one to take care of!! ;)

I am a pretty well educated (graduate level degree), capable, sophisticated person who was completely humbled for the first time in my life by having twins alone. Oh, i went through about 8 nannies until i found one that was the US version of Tertia's Rose... but, now had to give her up to be able to afford to send my children to preschool. While they are there I am either working or studying full-time and the rest of the time I am on my own with them. I have virtually no life of my own. This has been the hardest part. Losing myself to the endless routine of motherhood. And for me it is doubly hard because of having twins. Multiply that again by two because of being an only parent.

I realize my children are miracles, literally. And, I am so very grateful to have them, yet, the honest truth is I feel i was blessed with "too much motherhood".
If i had it do over again, i would just have one, but, definitely say "YES, YES, YES" to single motherhood.
xoxo
Suz
P.S. now, don't anybody flame me for speaking the truth and don't ask me which one i would choose not to have. This is my real life, not "Sophie's Choice".

[Andrea]

I am a single mother by choice who adopted after a horrific fertility experience which has to be one of the most traumatic things of my life. I am a pretty strong person, but must agree with the earlier poster who said doing fertility treatments single is not for the faint of heart. That said, I am overjoyed with the daughter I now have and a little blown away by all the delays and twists of fate that brought us to each other.
A couple of thoughs. She is a mere four months old now and I am already tormented by the idea of number 2. Regardless of whether I feel the need for a second, I feel that she would benefit enormously in life from having a sibling. (I know, I know, only children are perfectly happy. It is just the combo of being a single mom to an adopted child, makes me want to give her something more. I wonder if it is easier if you have two at different ages.
The other things is that, while I totally "get" the idea of only want to take on parenthood as a couple, I sort of don't get the idea of giving up on this lifelong dream just because you are single. Especially in this time of so many alternate lifestyles. Lots of people have come up to me and said, "I want a child too, but I want to fall in love first." Well, that is what I wanted too, but life doesn't always turn out the way we plan it.
I still date, and though I would never look at a baby like a dog, something that helps you get dates, I have to say I feel much more comfortable and secure as a person living my dream and having my baby than I did as a single woman desperately waiting for all the pieces of my life to fall together. I guess what I'm trying to say is that my whole life feels more in harmony now, and that the people I do meet and connect with are more likely to be on the same wavelength.
So, I guess I sort of do not get those single women who have the resources and lament their childlessness. Of course, I don't judge anyone. I undestand that I have chosen a pretty alternative lifestyle. But my experience has put me in a different place. I have connected with many other wonderful single mothers by choice and the experience has underscored for me the importance of going after your dreams in this life.
Yes, I worry about my daughter not having a father. Yes, I understand it is not ideal. Yes, I hope to be part of a nuclear, maybe a blended family some day. I was taken back while reading her a picture book on one of the first pages that had the words Mom and Dad.
So no, it isn't perfect. But I grew up with two parents and that wasn't pefect either. I just try to be the best parent I can day to day.

[Kirsty]

Suzie-Q, thank you so much for being brave enough to tell us your truth. Your love and dedication to your children shines through in your comment but it's great that you acknowledged how incredibly difficult what you're doing is. I think a lot of us go into motherhood with our rose coloured glasses on and it can be quite a shock to the system when we're faced with the reality of parenting. I wish more women would be honest about the dark side of mothering.

[barracuda]

Because I never yearned for a child, I cannot imagine choosing to be a single mother. But, at 36 I got pregnant with my now 15 yo daughter. For me, abortion was not an option. Her father and I were together for a while but he really didn't want the responsibility of a family. So, I have been a single parent for 14 1/2 years with all that entails. I had hoped that because we split up so early, my daughter would not ever miss the two-parent setup but she does. And now, as a teenager, I know how much better it would be for her to have her father more in the picture . . . if not living with us, at least living near us. But, he is a vagabond and thus, in the picture only when he wants to be. BUT, she loves him and needs him. She recognizes his limitations (with no prompting from me) but he still enhances her life.

What I am trying to say is that the more family members involved in your child's life, the better. And that includes fathers.

My daughter has a little brother who was born by a woman who wanted a child and chose my daughter's father because she knew him and his children (he has two adult children from his first marriage). The situation is emotionally difficult because he wants his father sometimes and his father isn't there and never planned to be there!

Being a single parent is, as someone wrote, 24/7 and can, over the long haul, result in a real degredation of your adult life. I would not urge anybody to NOT become a single parent but I would urge everybody thinking about it to really consider the heavy emotional, psychological, social and financial costs to doing so.

[Jodie Buckland]

In the physical sense have been a single mum for most of my kids' life, my husband is in the military and is away for 6, 8 and once 14 months at a time. BUT I don't have the financial burdens other single mums have so I don't ever say I'm doing it as tough as them.

There are some wonderful moments for sure. I am with my kids ALL The time and I never miss a milestone or a funny comment. I don't have to think about giving anything to my relationship, I'm not hassled for sex at the end of an exhausting day. I can think a little less about a tidy house and a gourmet meal and just crash in bed in whatever I'm wearing. The kids and I jump on the bed, dress up, dance to funky music without any self consciousness. We have long discussions about life and the world.

The down side. I never get a break, it's brutal. Sometimes I sneak into my daughter's room (they don't look for me there!!) and lie on her bed for 5 minutes, just to be alone. I don't go out with friends or to the gym or even shopping on my own. Juggling two means that sometimes both kids, or one or the other, don't get enough of what they need. I make all the decisions (schooling, health, diet etc) and with that comes HUGE guilt - there is no-one to share the blame if something goes wrong.

Most days I don't feel I'm doing a good enough job. I miss the extra pair of hands. I'm exhausted beyond exhaustion. But the bond I have with my kids is something else and I cherish that.

Suzie Q, thank you for your honesty. I cope quite well with one child but I struggle with two. My second has special needs which of course I never anticipated. If I went back in time and spoke to myself 4 years ago I would have said "don't have another one!!". I'm not sending him back, I'm not saying I don't love and cherish him. But if I knew now what I knew then...well, things might have been different.

Good topic :)

[Emily]

I figured maybe you need a comment from someone who gets the best of both worlds. I'm not a "SMC", I call myself a single mom with an extra income. My husband is a truck driver and averages about 36 hours at home every weekend. I live the part of a single mom all week long and then get to have a husband for part of the weekend. So I get a little break during those few hours he's at home, but during the week, I'm the one who takes care of them 24/7. I'm the one who always has to take off work when they're sick, and deal with them when I'm sick. I'm also the one who gets all the hugs and kisses, gets to tuck them in at night, and gets to hold them close and breathe in their sweet smell. I can relate to how difficult it is to be a single mom, only I don't have the financial struggles that sometimes come with that. I'm lucky to get the best of both worlds...

[Bump Fairy]

Tertia:
I have found the opposite to be overwhelmingly true.

I am a surrogate for a single, gay man. When I tell people I am a surrogate, I either get a YAY or a NAY. Of all my supporters, when I tell them that my intended parent is a man, I get either a Great or a Horrible. Pretty clear, YES and NO for each "revelation".

But when I tell them he is single. A single, gay father. I have not had ONE person jump on that support wagon. I DO have supporters, but all of them ( except my husband) had to be convinced that it was OK.

Had it been a single woman, the opposite would have been true. I am learning the hard way that men really aren't given ANY credit for loving, nurturing natures. No "real" man could possibly yearn for a child. When people learn that my intended parent is a single man, first thing they say is "he must be gay" and the second thing they say is "why doesn't he "just" adopt" or "gay men have no right to be parents. If "God" wanted them to be parents, then two men would be able to have children together. Since that isn't possible, "God" must not want them to be parents"..( I have heard that more often then you'd think)... with the occasional " aren't you afraid you'll have a boy? He'll teach that baby to be GAY. ( with the occasional homophobic "he'll pervert the child in some way")

It makes me sick.. and it kind of bothers me to read the reviews above knowing if the gender of the single parent were reversed, the response wouldn't be identical.

[Suzie-Q.]

Bump Fairy~
A great big "thank you" to you for the wonderful thing you are doing to help this gentleman become a father. You are truly his angel...
Gay or straight, any man that chooses single fatherhood is an extraordinary person in my eyes.
Good luck to all of you!
Suz

[Jo]

Another SMC to twins here (not sure if Tertia counts me as one of the two!), girls that will be 5 at the end of the month. Mine is a classic SMC story (at least classic for my generation -- there does seem to be a trend of younger, i.e. 20's to early 30's women, who are chosing to become SMCs). My preferred scenario was to get married and have kids, but after several long-term relationships and marathon dating in my late 30's, I kissed the last Mr. Wrong good-bye at age 40 and moved on to try for kids on my own. Two and a half years later, 6 IUIs (5 with meds), 3 IVFs and one m/c later, I finally had my girls through DE/DS IVF. I won't lie -- it hasn't been easy -- but frankly, I'm not sure it's much harder than it would be if I were married. If some of my friends' marriages are any indicator, I think I'm probably better off in the long run. I've always contended that I'd rather KNOW I was on my own, than expect help and relief and not get it from my husband. My mother died 10 years ago, and my dad is sweet but not much help. I have 3 sisters, 1 of which is a mom and has been a help to me, but truly, I've been on my own. But... I have a good job and a good income, and have had live-in nannies since the girls were born. I don't have a life aside from work and kids, but what mom does? While having twins was definitely intense in the early years, I am SO glad I had two, because the girls are so close, are such ready playmates, and will have each other for life. If I hadn't had twins, I would have had an only, and while that would have been okay, it wouldn't have been ideal for me. I wanted my kid(s) to have a sibling.

Anyhow, I've heard all the rhetoric about SMCs -- that we're all man-hating women who think fathers are irrelevant, and truly, that's not the case. Sure, it might describe one or two people I've come across, but the vast majority of us would have done it with a partner had that been a viable option, but I was personally not willing to settle for any old man because I wanted to have a child. That wouldn't be fair to me or to my kids. I've seen what that results in: divorce. Would I like my girls to have a father? Sure! But do I think they are going to be irreparably harmed without one? No. I see much more harm being done by fathers who can't be bothered to FATHER their children (my nephews being cases in point).

While waiting until 40 to start trying definitely had some consequences for me, I'm glad I did. I spent my 20's and 30's getting an education, getting established in a career, traveling, having adventures of all kinds, looking for a mate. Now,in my late 40's, my life is all about my girls, and that's just fine. The rest of the stuff? BTDT.

Anyhow, having my girls has been the best thing and the hardest thing I've ever done. But you know what? Secretly (or not so secretly, I suppose!), I'm actually glad to be an SMC. I'm glad I can spend this time really just focusing on my girls. Sure, it would be great to have a relationship if it were a really GOOD relationship, but I just haven't seen too many of them, to be honest. I'm glad not to have the stress of that one more thing to deal with. Sure, I'd like it if my girls had a father, and sure, I'd love the second income, but I can't say I feel seriously deprived not having to deal with the rest that goes along with a marriage right now. And it would take a pretty special man to distract me from my kids at this point in my life.

[Care]

I am a single Mom, first by circumstance, then by choice, and I have three sons. I've been a single Mom from day one with my oldest, and chose DI to conceive my two youngest sons. Two of my three children have special needs, and one keeps me running from appt to appt with his medical and sensory/developmental issues. There are days that are overwhelmingly hard. Days when the kids are sick and so am I. The scary diagnosis days, and the days the phych reports came in. The days in the hospitals, and the days wondering if we should be at the hospital. Those days are hard, harder than I can describe sometimes, to know that you and you alone must be the advocate, the strong one, the one who makes everything better. But I'm fortunate that I have enough support that when things get really overwhelming, I can pick up the phone and find someone who understands. They can't make the tough decisions for me, but they can hold my hand.

On the flip side, there are so many wonderful things about being a Mom, single or not, that there is no way I could ever regret my choices. Since I don't know what it is like to parent with a partner, I have nothing to compare it to. I would like to think that with a loving partner, the parenting experience would only be that much better (and I would get more sleep!) but I've watched enough of my friends and families to know that not every relationship works out that way. I still even find time to date from time to time, and haven't lost hope that Mr Right is out there somewhere, even if I'm 75 when I meet him.

What it came down to for me, was this question....when someday long in the future, I look back at these years, will I regret it more if I don't try, or if I do? And the choice was clear. I think I had a harder time deciding between adoption and ttc, than I did making the choice to become a SMC.

[Sister Mel]

It is tough but it also AMAZING. My 1st 5 years with Daniel are so precious to both of us and has forged this bond that is super tight. I love it that he remembers it as the most amazing time in his life and how happy we were. He doesn't remember moving house 10 times in 6 years, having no money or coming to work with me when he was sick. He doesn't mind we had spaghetti or toast EVERY night. He doesn't remember no Daddy at school concerts or Christmas dinner.
That all been said, the extreme highs and lows of parenting were hard and those were the time I would have loved a partner. Sharing his birthday, milestones, being sick etc would have been great. I still say no Daddy is way better that a really shit Daddy though.
Good luck to all the single parents out there, try not to over compensate and don't get too stuck on what you don't have so you can't see what you DO have.

[Bev]

Tertia, I'm reading, "Confessions of a Bad Mother: in the Aisle by the Chill Cabinet no one can hear you scream" by Stephanie Calman. It is hilarious and has me squealing with laughter.

[Jodie Buckland]

Bump fairy, I think you are doing a wonderful thing and I have no dramas with ANYONE wanting to become a single parent. I don't see why people would say you have to have a partner when so many marriages end in divorce and kids end up in single families... I'm sure the father of this child is utterly committed and will love his son or daughter unconditionally.

I had to share a horror story about being on your own... My daughter was about 18 months old and we both got the flu. The real flu - temperatures so bad we were delirious and I was seeing a white haze. I had no help at all. I strapped my daughter to my front and dribbled some juice in when she lifted her head and said "drink". We crawled to the cupboard and ate whatever we could reach. Perhaps should have called an ambulance but was to out of it to know better. Those are the days I curse being on my own. But there are many, many more wonderful days where I wouldn't have it any other way.

[ls]

I got pregnant by accident, and the father and I split 15 months after she was born. I personally love being a single parent, having ALL the decisions to be mine alone, no talking it over, no compromising, no having to take care of any one else's needs or wants, it feels, most of the time, intensely peaceful and wasy. The hardest part: no money and no sex. Other than that, we're golden! And a quick disclaimer: her father is very much a part of her life, lives in our neighborhood and sees her for anhour every night before bed. But she doesn't spend long week-ends or any length of time with him.

[Julia]

Another SMC here and I can report that 7 years in, life is good! Some common characteristics that most SMC's that I have met share are an independent spirit, resourcefullness and a overwhelmingly strong desire to parent, so it does not surprise me that most of us are sucessfully raising children on our own. Just because we don't have partners doesn't mean that we don't have support. The difference is that we have to build it from among the people who love us and our communities. The more people who love our children the better!

Julia

[monica]

I'm an SMC. Two boy ages 8 and 5. I love my life! The prior posters have said a lot of things that ring true with me. I'd add that I find it harder to be alone for the joyous moments that my boys give me than it is to be alone for all of the drudgery (unpacking the car in the cold and dark night after retuning late from a ski trip, for instance). I get a lot of practical and emotional support from friends, neighbors and family, but I long for someone who will care about the wonders of my children as much as I do

I decided to go it alone because I was 39 and had never had a relationship that lead to children. I like a phrase that my local SMC group uses sometimes - we are really Single Mothers by SECOND Choice. Most of us would have chosen to parent with a partner, but fount that that just was not gonna happen. Many of the much older never married women I meet tell me that they so wish that being an SMC had been acceptable when they were in their 30's and 40's. I feel lucky to live now, and to have had the choice to have children on my own.

I am currently in a serious relationship with a divorced dad (his kids are older- 13 and 17). As happy as I am in the relationship I am finding it a bit of a challenge to deal with the presence he has in my kids lives. On the one hand, I would very much like my boys to have a man be part of their every day world (and this is where we are heading). But, oddly I find it hard to give up the total control I have had over my the way my children are being raised.

A final point - I have real pet peeve involving the use of the term "single parent". I am a single parent. A divorced parent is a divorced parent, not a single parent. In the majority of divorces, parents share custody at some level, which means that both parents get alone time at some point. Often it is scheduled time - so that they can count on it from week to week or month to month. Even if it is for just a few hours. Single parents do not ever, ever ever get to have time off the way the majority of divorced parents do. . .

[Shylah]

Does the fact that I didn't terminate when my daughter's father kicked me out at around 10wks pregnant make me an SMC? I don't know, because I never WANTED to be a single mother; it's just how the proverbial cookie crumbled.

Yes, as a single parent, I do have the freedom of making decisions on my child's behalf without consulting anyone else. It's nice, but it's a benefit I do not want with any future children. Not having anyone with whom to share the decision-making also means not having anyone with whom to share the stress. You don't get time off without paying for it (well, unless you have family nearby who'll babysit - I don't.)

I know all of this sounds like I don't like being a parent, and that's absolutely not true.. but I think it's important to recognise that every family dynamic has its pros AND cons.

[Kynthia]

Good morning. You have to have funny faces and words, you can't just have words. It is a powerful thing, and I think that's why it's hard for people to imagine that women can do that, be that powerful.
I am from Burundi and also now am reading in English, tell me right I wrote the following sentence: ""

With respect :(, Kynthia.