So Close

Outwit, Outplay, Outpoop?

  Not sure if I've mentioned this before, but I am not a big movie / DVD watcher. The thought of sitting still for two hours is not in the slightest bit appealing. I find movies a complete waste of time, a fact that other people (Marko and my mother) seem to find quite odd.

I also don't like watching TV. There are a million other things I would rather be doing than watching TV (like writing / reading / surfing the net). I do watch sport occasionally (cricket, yay!), as I prefer that to any movie (especially when we beat those bloody Aussies), but then I will usually be doing something at the same time like folding laundry etc.

There are however, two shows that I do watch on TV. Desperate Housewives (that plumber chap is Seriously Fucking Gorgeous. Want to know my ‘type’? Him.) and Survivor. I love Survivor and at the moment we have Survivor Fest - both the local version and the American version on at the same time.

Last night Marko and I were watching the local version and Marko was getting completely worked up about how some of the people were lazing about, doing nothing, and how they had the audacity to complain about the ones who were working and how if he was on the team, he would have blah blah fishpaste. Half the fun of watching Survivor is seeing how pissed off Marko gets with the contestants.

If Marko was on Survivor, he would get voted out at the first tribal council. He would NEVER be able to keep his cool in a game like that. He would be telling half the people to fuck off and punching the other half in the face.

Me, however, I would totally rock at the social aspect of Survivor. I would play the relationships to my advantage and maneuver my way to the final three.

Which is an absolutely moot point because I wouldn't last longer than one week on that island. Firstly, I am not at my best when I am hungry. Which is putting it very politely. Secondly, I don't do that whole 'nature' thing very well. The insects! The dirt! Everywhere! Even under their fingernails! Plus I am not exactly what one would call ‘sporty’. ‘Useless’ might be a more appropriate description of my physical prowess.

But the biggest reason why I would never make it on Survivor is the poop factor. I can barely poop in a public bathroom and now I am expected to poop behind a bush, a few feet away from my fellow tribe mates, using a few leaves as T paper? No, I would spend the entire 37 days too petrified to poop and would eventually explode from pent up poop. Which wouldn’t exactly endear to the members of my strategic alliance, no matter how well I played the game.

I do however, have the fake boobs. Which according to statistics does give one a pretty good chance of at least making it past the first few rounds of elimination. No pun intended.

Now, if we combine Marko’s powerful physical abilities and lack of poop-fear with my fake boobs and brilliant social skills, I think we would have a pretty good shot of winning the million bucks.

Outwit, Outplay, Outpoop. There can only be one Sole Survivor. 

How do you think you would do on Survivor?  Think you'd make it?

 

Don't want it sore boobies

Adam's patience is wearing thin.  He instructed me this morning "want uppy Mama", to which I replied, for the 700th time, "I can't pick you up, Mommy has sore boobies".  He woefully replied, "don't want it sore boobies anymore".

Me neither, my son.

Actually, boobies feeling MUCH better.  As am I.  Day six is definitely a turn around day.  Love my boobs. Love! 

Came into the office today to show off my new boobs.  I kept going up to people and saying "notice any thing different about me", sticking my chest out and making exaggerated gesticulating motions towards my boobs.*  Everyone v excited. Kept having to remember Marko's strict instructions NOT to lift my top up and show everyone my boobs.  Damn tempting.  Obviously had to show one or two of my girlfriends, but no one else, promise!

Am off to the doc for another check up and to change dressing etc.  Have proper post to follow.

*Ha! As I was typing this another one of my girlfriends walked past. Made her feel my boobs. This is so much fun!!

More about the boobs

  Good. Glad you want to hear more about the boobs because I want to talk more about them!

Firstly, the turned out better than expected. I know they are still swollen and they will settle down, but I thought that because they were kind of sad to start off with that I wouldn't get that great results, but OH MY WORD, my new boobs rock.

Actually, they are like bloody rocks.  Rock hard.  That is from the swelling and once that subsides, they will soften up a lot. I know that, but at the moment my chest feels like I have an elephant sitting on it.  I feel tight.  And heavy. But damn gorgeous.  Can't WAIT to take some pics.  I might take some this weekend. Marko is v v impressed. And pleased.  And eager to unwrap his gift.

Worst part of the recovery (besides the pain and nausea)?  Not being able to sleep in any other position than on my back, supported by a million pillows; and not being to poop!  The pain meds give you constipation, which if you know me at all, will know THAT is a big thing in my life*. I hate being constipated.  I tried to go without the pain pills yesterday, but by last night I was really sore.  Bit like Sophie's choice:  no pain vs no poop.  Not an easy decision.

I have to admit that I totally underestimated the physical recovery process.  I have had lots of operations and procedures and pain doesn't worry me, so I thought I would be up and about within a day or so.  Asshole that I am.  It really has knocked me. I feel really tired and weak. But each day gets better and I feel stronger. But the kids! The kids exhaust me even when I am healthy, at the moment they are absolutely finishing me off. And of course, they totally feed off that and have impossible lately. Naughty!  Like you can't believe.  Kate is obstinate and contrary as hell, and Adam is wild, he is bouncing off the walls.  Sigh.

Rose has been an absolute star. A mother hen.  I honestly couldn't have done this without her.  She is doing all of her duties plus the stuff I normally do.  She keeps fussing over me and making me lie down and stuff. She is a way better nurse than I am. I could use some of her sympathy skills, for sure.

I am going to drive for the first time today. I have to. I have to escape for a bit. These children are diving me crazy. I might just park my car at the side of the road and have an hour or two of quiet time.  I don't know how you SAHM's do it.  Really.  I admire you so much.

If you see an extremely tired looking woman with extremely perky breasts slumped over her steering wheel, parked at the side of the road, please don't hoot. I am having a nap and I really need some peace and quiet. Just for a bit.

* Edited to add: Apparently poop stress runs in the family.

All's well

I'm very aware that some of you must be v tired of hearing about my boobs, don't want to bore you to booby death.

Just a quick update - had follow up appointment with PS today and all is on track.  Next appointment on Thurs to change dressing.

Am feeling ok'ish, just tired and a little nauseous. Must be from the meds.  A touch of the 'third day blues' (tired of feeling sore and tired), but still very happy with my boobs.  I think the PS has done a really good job. I asked him today why he had decided to go smaller than we originally discussed (I had given him permission to go up to 350cc) and he said that during surgery the 350cc looked too big and unnatural, so he went smaller (300cc), with a lower profile than expected.  Isn't that great?  He is such a good doctor.

I must say, the kids are being really good about being careful around me and not demanding 'uppy' all the time. They know I have an owie on my boobs and seem to accept that I can't pick them up.  At first Adam wanted to see the dressing all the time and Kate kept wanting to rub my boobs and kiss them better. But the novelty has worn off and now they just have to be reminded to be gentle around my chest.

And regarding the non-existent abs that I appear to have in the photos.... I know none of you will believe me, but I really, really do not have abs. I was sucking my tummy in, that is my ribcage you are seeing. I purposely cropped the pic just before the bulge. Remember, my body shape is 'olive-on-toothpick'.  I cropped the photo just above the olive part. But, thank you for the compliments, even if they aren't truly deserved!

Can't wait for the swelling to go down so that I can post proper 'before' and 'after' pics.

It runs in the family

Us Loebenbergs love a bargain. There is something about a sale that attracts us like moths to a flame. My cupboards are full of BUY ONE / GET ONE FREE specials that I will never use. I have so many clothes hanging in my cupboard that I will never wear, but it doesn’t matter – it was SLASHED TO 50% SALE!! A bargain!!  Like other people dream of sex; I dream of Sales.

When the Woollies sale comes around, excitement nears fever pitch. Sister Mel and I strategize weeks in advance and we have an advanced two-way communications systems set up where by we can attack two stores at once, keeping in constant contact while we uncover FABULOUS FINDS.

“I have two sets of age 3-4 PJ’s in my hand, what have you got”

Woolies, the store we like to call ‘home’, is busy with their sale at the moment. Now, you don’t just go to Woolies and buy willy nilly. No, you need to strategize. Stake things out. Know that on Wednesdays, the next 25% comes off. Buy too soon, and you will pay. Buy too late, and it will be gone. It is a skill that takes years to master, but once perfected, will reward you many times over.

However, as good as Sister Mel and I are, my mother shows that nothing beats experience. This year my mother took the crown. She found a bargain so fabulous, that it will be forever written into the annals as BEST BARGAIN BUY OF THE CENTURY.

Last Wednesday everything was reduced by a further 60%. Things were so disgustingly cheap, it was almost obscene. Of course by this time, most of the good shit is gone and all that is left is size 0’s and size 100’s. But hidden away among the size XXL maroon high-waisted regular fit corduroys and the 32AAA lacy bras in leopard print and lime green trim was Rupert.

Somehow the planets aligned in such a way that this life-sized, one of a kind Teddy Bear that was R1500 (a ridiculous price to pay for anything, never mind a teddy bear) was reduced to THREE HUNDRED AND SEVENTY FIVE RONT!!!

My mother said that she started running, in slow motion towards the bear while Chariots of Fire started playing in the background; launching herself in the air to cover the last few meters as she grabbed on Rupert; snarling at the other shoppers to BACK OFF, HE’S MINE. Bystanders were pea green with envy when they realized they had slipped up. My mother wrestled Rupert into her shopping cart, held her head up high and strode out of there; exhausted but victorious.

There are few things as rewarding in life as being the one to claim the coveted prize of BEST BARGAIN BUY OF THE CENTURY and it is without doubt that my mother wins this prize. I am not sure anything will ever compare to the find that is Rupert.

Rupert, we love you.

Even Pops loves Rupert

Home again, home again, jiggidity jugs

I guess I will have to go home today. Poor old Marko must be in a state of semi shock – TWO whole nights and TWO whole days of alone time with the kids. He will probably need a week’s leave after this. Not that Rose hasn’t been there, of course ;-)

But home I must. I miss the little buggers anyway. And Marko. Pity, because I have had a fabulous time here. My mom is seriously, THE best mother in the world. In fact my aunt (she of the vacuuming fame – cow) said yesterday that if she dies, she wants to come back as one of my mom’s daughters. We really are spoilt.

I am feeling ok. Still sore and fragile, but ok. A little stronger. The biggest bitch is trying to sleep. I am NOT a back sleeper and so I struggle to find a comfortable enough spot to sleep, even with a sleeping pill. And I still need someone to help me put the bra on and off and help me with lifting my arms.

 My mom helped me take the surgical bra off yesterday to have a bath – woot woot! Sexy mama!!! I know they are going to drop and settle etc, but I am so impressed with the results already. I can’t actually believe how well it came out. Yay! Took these pics with my phone this morning, looking good!  Well, beside that whole Marge Simpson hairdo, but you can't have everything now.  Actually, my mommy tied up my hair for me because I couldn't. Sweet.

(That is the surgical bra that you have to wear all the time for at least three weeks)

I have a follow up appointment with the PS tomorrow, so that he can check all is ok. Yay boobies!!!

Seriously guys, if any of you are looking for a plastic surgery safari experience in South Africa, this guy is the guy to go to.  Check out his website here for lots more info.

 

Quite at home

Thanks to Sister Mel for updating you all and being so restrained about posting all sorts of embarrassing things. She said it was v v tempting to put up nerdy old photos of myself and say all sorts of teasing things.

I must say, I totally underestimated the recovery thing. I am not sure what I was expecting, but not this much pain and debilitation. It is not over the top sore, but my damn aunt was vacuuming the next day after her BA and my SIL was doing star jumps or whatever it was she was doing. So I thought I would too. Not.

I woke up from surgery with a splitting headache, which gave me a huge fright. I was secretly paranoid I would die on the operating table. Just because there was so much fuss about me doing this and I could just imagine the martyred expressions of those who would say afterwards, ‘see, we told her not to and now look at what has happened’. But luckily I didn’t die. Am rather pleased about that. 

The pain is kind of bearable, just more than I expected. I know my sister had huge pain. That woman has given birth three times naturally, once with no pain relief, so she knows pain and she said BA was worse. But she went under the muscle. It is all my aunt’s fault though. Who the fuck vacuums the day after surgery? My aunts pain was obviously a 2 out of 10, my sisters was a 10 out of 10, and I am hovering somewhere around 6. I felt very nauseous the morning, but after a good puke, I feel better. Sorry if TMI. 

Ok, now on to the real exciting stuff – my boobs. They look FABULOUS!!! Even all swollen and sore, they look fabulous.  Way better than I thought. I know they will drop and settle, but right now, they look pretty damn good. 

I was surprised my doctor only put in 300cc. I had given him permission to go up to 350cc if he felt like it, but he said that 300cc looked perfect on me. 

Can’t wait to show you pics, but at the moment I am snuggly encased in a post surgery bra and there isn’t much to see. I have been trying to take pictures of my cleavage (I HAVE A CLEAVAGE!!!) but it comes out all dark and blurry. Soon my friends, soon I will share with you the wonder that is my rack. 

BTW, am having a great time at Mimi’s house. I thought I would rush home on Saturday, because I do miss my kids, and I worry that they are missing me, but apparently not. And anyway, do you know how long it has been since I’ve had my mother to myself, taking care of me, bathing me, feeding me, tucking me in? Since I was 2 and a half years old and that big-nosed sister of mine appeared on the scene. Since then it has gone downhill with the arrival of Diva Nina and Handsome Paul. And then the 700 grandkids. But last night and this morning it was just Mommy and me. Divine. 

This place is better than a hotel, I don’t think I am ever going home.

She lives!

Great news...... op went well and Tertia is back at home.  Well actually not at home but at my mom's house recovering.  On that note please agree with me here and let's make her stay there the whole weekend and not rush home to her kids.   She is such a stubborn poop sometimes and I know she will try and go home tomorrow. 

She sent me a text so here it is....
Pls tell all blog readers that I made it thru alive.  Was paranoid I would die and then all the naysayers would say "I told you so."   Am more sore than I expected.  Not sure what I expected but is forking sore.  Boobs look huge even though he only put in 300cc.  Am happy though and can't wait to have a good look.  Signed, Pammy.

She does sound rather skippy and not as groggy as I expected.  When she first woke up she had a huge headache so I asked her if he didn't maybe throw in the ear job as a freebie. 
Thanks for all the compliments re my previous post.  She is lucky to have so much support and I am lucky to come along for the ride.    

I was talking to our other sister Nina this morning about nursing her 2 week old son and giving boob advice.  Basically my whole day has been ruled by both my sisters knockers, silly tarts!

One of these days I will do a post on what it was like growing up with Tertia as a big sister.  She is a big dork but we all love her.

Sister Mel xxx

Sister Mel popping in

Hi all. This is Tertia’s darling sister aka the Happy Clappy G & D smaller nosed chick who runs Bosom Buddies. I don’t have any news on Tertia’s op yet as she is still 'under the knife.'   I am only expecting a great report and will do a quick post after the op. What I do know, is she will be having a normal dose of buyers remorse. Buyers remorse affects all of us and can be alleviated by returning those very expensive uncomfy shoes you don’t really need. Buyers remorse with ones new boobies are a little different as the market for 2^nd hand implants is a little scarce. So, in light of these feelings that will emerge tomorrow, here is a letter for her to read:

Dearest Arsehole

You will be feeling frail and sore and you will be looking down at your swollen chest and wondering what on earth you have done.
Here are a few reminders…

You are not really suffering from deep, dark depression. Remember how many people feel depressed after the op. You will perk up again after a few days and your mood will match your breasts…. Perky and bouncy.

They are not going to be this big, they are still swollen.

You have not actually been hit by a truck so hold onto your claim to the Road Accident Fund.

Do not go shopping for bras before you can try them on. Yes I know you are an immediate gratification girl but you will only be wasting your money and we all know how you hate that.

You have not made a big mistake. In a few months summer will be here and you will be wearing your string bikini top and all sorts of spaghetti strapped tops and dresses. You will look and feel sexy and feminine and possibly even younger!

Your nipples will be super sensitive and poor Marko will not be allowed to play with them for a while. This will settle and your rampant sex life will resume. You might actually feel numbness in an area of your nipple. This will also calm down so calm down accordingly and do not panic.

Katie E E and Adam will not be permanently scarred because you are not picking them up for the week. Remember to put a plaster where they can see it and tell them Mama has an owie.

Marko will be fine this weekend. In fact it will be good for them and make them appreciate you even more. Do not rush home too soon and take advantage of the ‘me time’ with Mom. The next time you get a break like this will probably be when you have your big honker reduced to match the size of my little snub nose.

I love you and admire you for being brave enough to do this. Well done arsehole!

Much love,

Your fellow perky breasted sister,

Mel 

Welcome to my new look

Blog redesign by the fabulous Mark Forrester.

Now I know people don't like change, but once you get used to it I am sure you will love it as much as I do.

If you are looking for a blog redesign, get hold of Mark.  He was very patient and didn't get irritated once when I asked him for the 100th time if we could just move this or change that. He is very reasonably priced and we did it all via email and Skype.  He lives in London and I live in Cape Town.  Global village and all that.

Thanks Mark, love my new look blog. Hope my boobs turn out just as nicely.