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So sorry, Tertia. Sux so bad, blows so hard, and nothing anyone can say will make it otherwise. Scream away!

It never really does go away, does it, T? And it hurts all the more when we encounter those who take childbearing for granted, or those who seem to resent their children.

You are such a terrific woman, Tertia, and an awesome mom. Kate and Adam are fortunate, and I - for one - am ever grateful that you didn't allow the IF Monster to consume you before you brought your babies home.

FWIW, you don't sound completely at peace with letting go of the dream of pursuing another child. (please don't smack me!) I know the rollercoaster is exhausting, and you DEFINITELY deserve to get off... but IMO, you should only do so when you're absolutely ready to walk away, otherwise you run the risk of living the rest of your lifetime with regret. And maybe I'm reading too much into your posts, but I'm not sure your heart is truly ready to stop.

I wish I could be there IRL to help you vent/cry/scream and rail against the unfairness of the procreative world. No worries about having a moment (or MANY moments) - I think most (all?) IFs have had the same thoughts. Go for a drive and scream/cry... find something you can punch while you shout at Fate. It's so cathartic!

<<>>> from a stranger.

that was meant to say ** hugs *** from a stranger

You have been through enough. It's not fair. And although I'm really not trying to make you feel any better (that's forbidden, right?) I think that your body deserves some major kudos. Not only was it a vessel to bring two beautiful children in to this world ... it looks quite smashing in black boots.

I hope you find some true peace. Soon.

i hear you

It's not fair...so sorry your heart is heavy. Being grateful, etc. for what you have is totally separate from feeling sad, angry, shit upon over everything else that happened before, during and after. You're allowed!


I could not have said "it" (the rant) better! I so feel the same way as you do, and am CONSTANTLY trying to remind myself what I HAVE got vs what I don't...but it is not easy! I get so upset sometimes about how unfair this infertility is and why we are the chosen few who have to go thru all of this...it actually just sucks!
But hey ... one day all will be revealed we hope! In the meantime, we must scream and rant as much as we need to, to stay sane.
Love you lots my friend and big hugs from your biggest fan!

I'm really sorry, Tertia. I am in a very similar place. Worked really hard for years and years, with many failed cycles and losses, to have two children. We tried everything to have another, only to have many more failed cycles and the devastating loss of twins in the second trimester. I really want another one, and we probably won't. I can't be in treatment much longer because the cost, in every way, is too high. But the pain doesn't go away. I wish I could just have a baby like people normally do.

Tertia, I hear what you are saying, and I hope/pray your "moment" fades away over time...

I gotta tell you though, I love your ending point...that you are looking forward. I admire you more than you can know and I just know that your future is going to be way better than the past. Hold tight to that fact.

love to you and your gorgeous fam..

Yep, it's unfair and it sucks.

You deserve a moment. Or 20.

oh darling.

completely unfair.

I have that rant almost every week, if only in my head. If you only get one, I don't know how you're surviving. Infertility is one of the hardest things bc it goes on and on without resolution, and because so many people don't understand it, and bc it eats away at who we are inside. Let it rip!

It's NOT fair - you have been through far too much.

Hoping for nothing but good things for you from now on.


(((HUGS)))

I was hoping for you. Rant away, you deserve it.

Forget being skippy... this sucks. I know wallowing never does any good, but I think you're entitled to a bit. It still hurts so much that Zoe died... I can only imagine how broken you feel and how rought the last few years have been for you. So forget being skippy. At least for a while. None of us expect that from you, and I suspect some of us would be a bit suspicious if you did just 'move on' that quickly.

Sending all the love and hugs and tissues I can your way.

Yeah, but did you hear the news about wine? They're saying it prevents cavities.

In light of that, I think you should probably have a glass or twelve. You know, for your health. Think of your teeth!

You're right-- it's fucking unfair. And it sucks.

Sorry, sweetie. It totally sucks, but bring on the happy pills, right? There has to be a bright side to all this shit.

Right there with you on all of this. In our case we adopted twice and have 2 beautiful children too....and yet, when I see those swollen bellies at the supermarket or hear of someone trying to get pregnant and they do so on the first try...yeah, it sucks the big one.
So have your moment or as many moments as you want. We all deserve our moments. Big hug to you from accross the ocean.

It really does suck beyond all measure. Total bullshit, and completely unfair.

I had these same exact thoughts,sweetie, while I was holding my 18 year old neighbor's 1 year old daughter. The little girl is an angel but is the product of teenage hormones gone awry and total irresponsibility about birth control. She should have been adopted by another infertile couple in another state. Luckily her grandparents are good to her and will end up raising her.
I don't think the jealousy ever goes away. During Tommy's first week at preschool camp I was inundated with these annoying fertile myrtles, shoving their oversize baby strollers in my face!! Hugs, Peggy

Well yes, do remember that it's not over until it's truly over. But I know what you mean about "knowing". I've known myself. But I've also been shocked as hell too. Anyhow, have as many moments as you need to. This is hard and it sucks and it is completely unfair and to ignore that would be impossible, if not unhealthy. We're here stamping our feet with you, my dear!

It sure does suck. Like no matter how hard you try and work to earn it, life decides you're not allowed to have what you want. I hate that crap. Sorry you're dealing with it now. Many hugs.

You're right Tertia, it is unfair.

Sorry Puss. It does suck and you are entitled to stamp your big feet. In fact it would be unhealthy if you didn't. At the same time the fat lady hasn't sung yet so I still have a small bit of hope it might have worked. Remember how you felt with Kate & Adam? Like it hadn't worked at all. I know your thirties have been a long hard journey so I am trusting your forties will be a peaceful time raising your loud and wonderful children. You will run after them but your new firm breasts will not wobble. You will smile at them with your sparkly whitened teeth and although you might be frowning, nobody will suspect a thing with that smooth forehead.
Sorry your heart hurts, wish I could make it better.
Love u!

You are entitled to that moment. I hate people who can to choose to have their children when they want too even though it's not their fault.

We all hate the universe sometimes. Have your rant, because sometimes the universe blows...royally.

Yes, it is damn unfair and I am really sorry you are going through this.
Truly.

Ha! Isn't that what blogging is for??? Mine certainly is. Rant on, my dear.

I'm so sorry Tertia. It's totally rottenly not fair at all. =(

Hi, my first time to comment, have been reading for a while. We've been trying to get pregnant for 9 months now, no luck. I get very emotional when I see negnected or abused children. All around me ladies are getting pregnant by just wham-bam-thank-you-mam, but not us . . .

I totally understand how you feel, have your moment as long and as often as you like . . .

Krista

{{{HUGS}}} Thinking of you.

Punch me in the face, T. C'mon do it! I can take it. Visualize IF as the worst looking alien you've ever seen and punch me in the fucking face. ;-)

It sounds so sore. I'm sorry. And I can hear that even if you had the two lines, you know that the trial would still be far from over. And that must really be a bitch.

I am so sorry and it does bloody sucks. Nobody should have to go through what you have. Sending a big hug and a martini around the world for you.

Oh, man. I am sorry, Tertia, that sucks. Your forties have GOT to be better than your thirties.

Was having the same thoughts this morning at church when every corner I turned, I was running into yet another friend who was pregnant (with her third child, of course). Even though I know I am so very blessed to have one beautiful boy, I can't help but be jealous of those to whom it comes so easily.

("My thirties were spent in anguish and frustration. No more. From now I am going to live, laugh and love. This is going to be my decade to be fabulous, just you wait and see!")

BEST ATTITUDE EVER!!! Good for You!!

I understand and share your feelings from A to Z. It sucks to be infertile even within the infertile. A stupid fertility flunkie.

I just put all my baby stuff for sale. Gotta give Murphy's law a chance.

The 40s will rock! I am sure you will take it by the balls! Lurve the boots.

Sorry to hear the news Tertia, was holding thumbs for you. Go for the blood test anyway - you never know! (I spent enough time peeing on sticks, so I rather grind my teeth and wait for the test...)

After that, go home and hug your twins, you might end up finding solace in holding their little bodies.

Then go and have that boob job - you certainly deserve it! Do you think they'll allow you in theatre with those boots?

FUCK it my friend. NOT-FUCKING-FAIR. Sorry Tersh. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

I'm so sorry, Tertia. Secondary infertility sucks almost as much as it did the first time, which a lot of people seem to fail to understand. I know you have been through so much more pain than most of us who struggle with infertility, so I know it sucks a LOT for you. I'm so, so, so, sorry. Life is not stinkin' fair, and I hate that.

I myself just peed on a stick this morning, and there was one dumb, stupid line, of course. Not surprising, since I injected about $7,000 worth of stim drugs and got ONE LOUSY EGG. IVF was cancelled, converted to IUI with husband's lousy sperm. We did two IUIs and we had 7 million sperm between them. The DR. said they like to see 10 mil for ONE IUI. So there we are, broke, tired, and no more IF treatment for us.

I got a call from a friend the other day telling me that they are ready to start trying for #2. She said, and I quote, "But we're going to go on our cruise first, since I don't want to be pregnant on vacation. So we'll start trying when we get back. I'm sure I'll be pregnant before the holidays."

I find this juxtaposition of our lives so depressing, I hardly even know what to say.

My therapist called it "abiding", and its far too rare a skill. This does suck, Tertia. Really, really, royally sucks. I'm sorry and I wish I could make it better.

You said it, sister in pain. We have the same statistics. Started at the same age, lost the same number of pregnancies. Had one successful twin pregnancy. Over by the time we turned 40. I'm so there with you. Jealous and angry and pissed as hell that it happens for other people and not for me. ANd furthermore, furious that I am TOO FREAKING OLD to do anything more about it, ever.

You rage on. Rage until you're over it. Rage for us both. Rage for what you can't have.

Yes yes yes!! I love you when you rant, sista. When you tnat, you rant for me...xxx

No one should have to feel this way. You put it perfectly into words. I'm sorry. I know that bitterness - that feeling in your gut that you can almost taste.

In a strong moment, I asked one of my friends who just became pregnant, how many months they had tried. She told me that they hadn't really. It just happened.

I'm so far removed from 'that' world, that I didn't believe her; but then i realized that of course, that's how most of the world does it. How is it possible for people to do it so easily and some of us pour, literally, all of our lives and souls into it, and it still doesn't happen. And we are so empty that nothing will fill that chasm?

Shit. This sucks for you...and evveryone else who's involved.

Please remember that you felt this exact same way with Kate & Adam --- that it hadn't worked.

Please remember you are not a failure.

And please know that we are all hurting for you right along with you. I know we can't take any of your pain away, but we feel it, too.

I hear you loud and clear. I wish I was closer and could take you out for a big glass of wine...or five.

The unfairness of it all is the part that makes me the most bitter, too. There is just no sense to any of it.

Thinking of you.

Oh Tertia.I am so sorry honey.Big hugs.

Rant away girl. Feeling beeter? I hope so. Now go and take life by the balls and live the hell out of it!

((((hugs))))

Fucking unfair.

But....I LOVE your new boots. Smooch.

I'm so sorry, Tersh. You're right, it IS damned unfair.

sending hugs, kisses and general support!

Big, big hugs to you, sweet Tertia. Hang in there.

It's okay to cuss the universe. It can handle it. Your thirties did hold a lot of immeasurable pain. They also gave you beautiful Kate and Adam. Your forties will be magnificent - no matter what!

this hapy clapper just said a boatload of swearwords. its torture.

Yep, youre right, it sucks.

We're here with you in this moment, and all the others. The good moments and the terrible ones. Here's to the good ones to come, because, right now? This one sucks big hairy donkey balls.

Yep, there are buckets of unfairness, dumping shit on you, me, and plenty of other people. It sucks ass. And not the good kind, either.

Some people are inordinately lucky, and the rest of us? We have an average of two buckets of the Shit of Unfairness at all times. We like to keep it around two, because when you have four buckets, it's almost unbearable.

But sometimes, buckets and kitties are cute.

I swear! I'm having the exact same moment right now too. Honestly, it just sucks that the feelings never go away. I am 40 years old, haven't been on birth control since 1988, began my first IF treatments in 1991, finally had my two beautiful twin daughters in 2002 (16 weeks early, I might add) after a miscarriage and 19 week loss, and I STILL get those same feelings. They just creep up on you and I just HATE that I feel this way, and like you said, "It’s not you. I don’t hate you, I don’t want you not to have what you have, I am just so jealous that I don’t have it too."

SIGH...I can totally relate to every word you just wrote.

I'm sorry about the FET. I hope tomorrow brings you a surprise.

Kim

No, it's not fair, Tertia. You can vent all the time if you need to. Never hold in any anger or frustration. I wish it would have worked out for you too.

Again, Tertia, for the little it is worth right now, I am sorry. Have as many moments as you damn well feel like having.

I'm not ready to give up on you, yet. I have a weird memory. I remember your "He was right. She was wrong." post, like it was yesterday. You were drinking and smoking because you were sure that you weren't pregnant. And ooops, you were pregnant with twins. I'm still hoping for a singleton. It just would make me really happy. Not that I should be happy or anything.

You deserve a good cry and your crazy moments filled with jealous rage will help you in the long run.

Hugs

Thank you for ranting so eloquently. You put it so, so well. I hate the unfairness of infertility. It just sucks ass, plain and simple.

Feeling v. sad for you right now. Oddly, i have always felt exactly the opposite of you re; IVF. I feel like i was a HUGE success by having it work no matter how much it sucked that i had to do it. I look at the end result (twins), not the process.. I'm like, "WOO HOO! I DID IVF!!!".
Glad to hear you will be feeling skippy again soon. Meanwhile, sending you the largest of hugs and a virtual glass of impeccable Chardonnay.
xoxo

As my panties langs my man s'n hang op die wasgoeddraad is ek swanger, maar ek het twee vriendinne wat sukkel met inferteliteit - een se negende IVF het verlede week gefaal... Ek probeer my indink in julle pyn en is SO dankbaar vir my eie kinders. Ek neem jou geensins kwalik vir jou 'moment' nie, inteendeel, jy is fabulous in elke sin van die woord. Ek bewonder die manier wat jy elke keer krag kry en terug spring.

Ek drink saam met jou n goeie bottel rooiwyn vannaand..

Jy is waarlik n insperasie vir baie. Ek het so gehoop jy tref dit die keer gelukkig, so jammer as dit toe nie bestem was nie.

Iknow it probably is over but when you said you knew it was over I just had this flashbavck of you drinking and smoking and then getting this phonecall that you were indeed pregnant. wasn't that in thethe beginning of Kate and Adam so I 'll wait for the bloodtest with a teeny bit of hope (I am so sorry I am such an optimist Plus I myself never tested a positive before 22 days post ovulation

Tertia--That totally sucks! But, in being willing to share your total shit luck with the world, you've given the rest of us strength and hope. So, thanks.

I love the way you are looking at your 40's. Yes, your 30's were full of some nasty garbage, but at least you are now finding yourself able to look ahead. I'm only two years into the infertility battle, and I just hope that one day I can begin to move forward with the same kind of strength you have. Strength isn't being able to avoid tears; it's feeling able to shed them.

Tertia, well I'm in the 40's and it still sucks and I'm still bitter! I have nothing and here in the states by me I couldn't afford IVF so I had no choice but to give up. Insurance didn't cover it and we both worked 7 days a week to do what we were doing, 23 IUI's with injectables. TODAY I am still heartbroken but life does go on and the world doesn't stop because I hurt or don't have a child. No one really cares that I didn't get what almost everyone else has but you T you went on to help others!! That is HUGE! You have at least done something with your experiences. So many have benefited from you, not that that is a reason why you went thru what you did or to be happy for you going thru it but at least you actually turned it into a positve to help others. You are such a treasure! Your 40's will be awesome, aren't you getting that boob job? hahaha......Now that I'm jealous of! love you T!

CORRECTION!! did not mean that IS a reason why you went thru what you did, meant that is NOT a reason why you went thru what you did nor am I happy for you going thru it (sometimes my brain thinks faster than my fingers type) I don't want anyone thinking I meant you went thru this for THAT reason, oh gosh! no way!!!! SORRY!!!

It's supposed to happen to someone else, not us. Never us. And yes it does, and it has. I am so sorry that you are suffering so much T. So very, very sorry. I know my own pain, at the beginning of this journey, and I can't begin to imagine yours, so far along.

It's not fair, and there is nothing we can do.

**hugs**

Believe me, I get it.

I am so very sorry Tertia. I do understand, and sympathize. The pain of longing and loss is huge at such a difficult time.
Here's to better days to come...

I'm so sorry, and harbor the same regret/anger regarding my two miscarriages, despite having two beautiful healthy children.

Wishing you the absolute best 40s ever!

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