The story of the cheerful giver and Harrison

I have been thinking a lot about giving lately. About what it means to give to someone. To help them, to donate your time / money / effort. What does it meant to give. What sparked this chain of thought off, is the Harrison story.

My sister told me that the happy clappers have this thing they all aspire to be: cheerful givers. People who give happily, freely and without the expectation of any reward. I think that is what it means. I don’t like to question these things too deeply or else I might start thinking HC thoughts and the next thing you know I will have to give up swearing and drinking. And we can’t have that. However, I did tell my sister when it comes to putting out, I am clearly not a ‘cheerful giver’.

Then I read that book that just about everyone has read: “How to win friends and influence people” and in the book he speaks about giving. I can’t remember exactly what he said, but the underlying message really hit home to me. He said that every single thing we do, no matter how altruistic it appears to be, we do because there is something in it for us. We get something out of it, or else we wouldn’t do it.

What does it mean to give? Why do we give? How should we give? And what should we expect in return.

At the one end of the scale, there are those people who ‘give’ with the expectation of something in return. I will give you this if you give me that. Perhaps this is less about giving and more about bartering.

Then, we get those who give without expecting anything material in return. I donate this to you. Freely. Look, I am a cheerful giver. Yet, there is still an expectation of some sorts. Gratitude, recognition. Acknowledgement. There is a barter of some sorts. They gave, they get something in return.

Then at the other end of the scale are those who donate totally anonymously. Without any reward, recognition or acknowledgement, and without any expectation thereof. Some would argue that this is true ‘giving’. Although the chap who wrote ‘How to Friends’ would argue that even these people give with the expectation of some sort of intrinsic reward, a sense of fulfilment or whatever.

All this thinking about giving reminded me of a short piece I read on a blog ('This Woman's Work' by Dawn), a few years back. It was a story about giving and about gratitude, about how giving with the expectation of gratitude isn’t really giving at all. It had such a powerful impact on me at the time, it was a real ‘ah ha’ moment. Go read it here, it’s a short piece but very powerfully written.

Taking all of this into account, I try my best to be a cheerful giver. To give because it is my duty as part of the human race to give. To give without the expectation of reward or recognition. To give freely, without the expectation of gratitude. To give because it is my duty to give.

And so we get to Harrison. I know that for many of you, the Harrison story feels like unfinished business. It was such a divine story – all of you who gave so generously, all the excitement. And then there was nothing. No real follow up except to say that I had given him the money.

And I felt bad about that for a while. I felt like I had cheated you somehow. Where was the cheer and the excitement. Where was the gratitude that would have made us feel good about ourselves.

Well, let me assure you, he was very very grateful, and a little embarrassed when I gave him the money. I could see he felt inadequate in terms of expressing how grateful he was. I felt a real pang for him in that moment. He is such a dignified, proud man. I somehow just couldn’t write about it without disrespecting his dignity. It’s difficult to explain.

It was in that moment that I was reminded about the story of the cheerful giver. And about the story of the blogger handing out tampons. And I decided that I would wait a while before I asked him how he was getting on. I would wait until he was ready to speak to me.

And on Saturday he was! He told me that he has started building the ceiling (thank goodness, because it is really cold here now) and that the toilet is next. I told him that the friends in the computer are dying to know how he has been doing, and would he mind doing a little interview for me and he said cool. So my dear friend, here is Harrison in the flesh.

Thanks for being cheerful givers, and for donating so generously.  Even though you didn’t expect anything in return, know that your generosity has made a difference in Harrison and his family’s life. So, thank you. From Harrison and from me.

Comments

[meansomething]

My goodness, Tertia, if you are not a cheerful giver, who is?

Maimonides (holy old Jewish fella) identified 8 levels of charity. Giving something gladly to someone you know is good; even better is giving before you are asked; even better than that is giving anonymously, and so on. You can Google Maimonides and tzedakah if you want specifics. But the highest level of giving is to help someone so that he can strengthen himself to the point where he no longer needs help from people. By Maimonides' lights, you are doing pretty darned well. You are also giving others the opportunity to do kindnesses to their fellow creatures, and that's also a blessing, ya know?

[Rachel]

Interesting topic, as usual! I have no idea how you come up with the time to write so well, and on so many various things. When I'm racing around trying to keep the basic shit together doing the laundry (realizing there is no bottom to the basket) I always think of you. Wonder woman! :)
Thanks for keeping me entertained and giving me some food for thought everyday.

[goodsandwich]

This is so timely for me. I was actually just thinking about Mr. Harrison yesterday, and this very topic!

I hope that Mr. H. doesn't think he owes us anything. I know for me (and I'm sure for many others), we just feel connected to him now, and want to give a little more, in the form of love and good wishes for his family, by way of cheering him on. Thank you for a thoughtful post - I think about this topic often, if not to rid myself of all thought of gain in giving, at least to bring my own expectations to consciousness.

[margalit]

Meansomething posted just what I was going to say. Dale Carnagie didn't invent those steps towards giving. They are one of the foundations of Judaism!

[Katherine]

the movie doesn't seem to load? and when I go to it directly on youtube its marked as a private video. anyone got any smart ideas?

Tertia I think you underestimate quite how much you do give with your writing - if you want to think about it this way, its a quality product which you give for free to all of us.

[Elizabeth]

Tertia, this is really touching. I really love this post and relate to it personally. I'm not a HC either but I strive to be a "cheerful giver". Unfortunately I am usually more of a "complaining taker", but I am trying REALLY hard to change. You and sister Mel are inspirations.

[Cherith]

Tertia, I love how while in the midst of a sad moment you so frequently seem to think of others. This is a wonderful characteristic you have, do not underestimate yourself when it comes to giving. Even though you have a tendancy to write a lot about your negative personality traits, and it is so admirable that you acknowledge, embrace and deal with those issues, your actions show that you are in fact quite a thoughtful and giving person.

Thank you for sharing Harrison's story.

I am so very sorry about the negative.

Love to you and your family,

Cherith (from way back when)

[Kylie]

I love his smile at the end of the video - such a smile of joy!

[elzabe]

A lot of people start a centence with "Dr Phil said..." These day's I often start by saying "Tertia wrote today..."

Love your blog, love the way you write, love you amazing beautiful, intelligent kids! (Although you have not met mine yet...)

[Lisa]

Adorable, love his smile.

[Ann Johannesburg, South Africa]

You are truly amazing that in spite of your pain you are still thinking of others.

You rock!xxxxxxx

[Martina Loeb]

He has such a gorge smile at the end!!! Love it!

[tess]

it was a pleasure to help make a difference in harrison's life, and to watch the video with his lovely smile and giggle. that was really, really super.

ps - and i am sure you duffed up on the draw thingie and that a prize is coming my way soon? you just didn't want to offend all your other readers and post my name?

[Julie]

Harrison's HUGE grin at the end just speaks for itself, doesn't it?!

[Type(little) a]

Harrison, you have a beautiful smile!

[Lisa]

That boyish giggle and smile in the last 1-2 seconds of the film make it all worthwhile. What a handsome chap this Harrison is!

[anon]

Levels of Tzedakah

Certain kinds of tzedakah are considered more meritorious than others. The Talmud describes these different levels of tzedakah, and Rambam organized them into a list. The levels of charity, from the least meritorious to the most meritorious, are:

1. Giving begrudgingly
2. Giving less that you should, but giving it cheerfully.
3. Giving after being asked
4. Giving before being asked
5. Giving when you do not know the recipient's identity, but the recipient knows your identity
6. Giving when you know the recipient's identity, but the recipient doesn't know your identity
7. Giving when neither party knows the other's identity
8. Enabling the recipient to become self-reliant

[Sister Mel]

Good post Tersh. His smile is beautiful. The best thing about what I do, is seeing how kind people are. You are much more generous than you think you are, I am much less generous than you think I am. I am a hoarder, I don't always give cheerfully.
Your nose is much bigger than mine, mine is much smaller than yours.
I love the levels of Tzedakah. I love giving things sometimes without anyone knowing, I don't even tell Gary and I know it gives God a little smile that this hoarder is learning.

[Angie]

OMG he's just the cutest EVER!!!

[Angie]

and rofl at Sister Mel

I have a huge honkin nose, too. I should come be in your family. Except I'm fat, and I don't want to be the fat one, so nevermind.

Damn it, I just can't win! Fat AND big nose. Sigh.

[Joy]

We ALWAYS get something back when we give - ideally it's just a good feeling. The HC point of view is that every transaction has three persons: giver, receiver and God. We give to remember what God gave to us, which is everything, and to please Him. Which generally results in a really good feeling and love for the receiver. We DO get something back, just not from the receiver. That's if all goes well, which sometimes it doesn't; my giving often gets tainted by my own selfishness and ends up being about me, like that blog post said.
By the way I am HC but I swear and drink just as much as I need to. Best of all worlds, really.

[Heather]

Glad to hear Harrison is doing well. I had been wondering how he's doing. It is true that we get back what we give, which is why giving can be so rewarding. Some say what you give can come back to you threefold.

[Teenuh]

How cute is he?? What a lovely smile he has, it is nice to see him look so happy. :)

[silene]

What a beautiful smile he has!! And what a joy to see it - thank you!

[kbreints]

He has an amazing smile! It lit up my room! Thank you for sharing!

[Melissa]

His smile just made my day.. he is just too cute for words.

[Incognito]

Absolutely precious. Pinch his cheeks for me, would ya?

[Judy]

That is the best thank you ever. Harrison's smile from ear to ear just warmed me from head to toe.

[Amy]

I am a selfish 'giver' I suppose. I get so much out of making others happy or comfortable it seems it is they who are doing ME the favor. A stroking of the self esteem, I suppose, to know I did something good and to be so appreciated :)

(Currently helping out an 86 year old woman who is determined to stay in her home until the end. Her stories of growing up, surviving a war, being widowed, raising three kids alone, moving to a new country and through accident involving her husband, supporting herself, her kids, and the husband. The woman inspires dammit. If helping her means I can soak up more of her strong willed spirit and wisdom then by gawd call me selfish. :)

[artemisia]

Goodsandwich spoke for me when she posted "we just feel connected to him".

That's often my reward for giving. When you are too poor/needy to give to others (and I've been there), you feel very cut off and isolated. Now that I am in a different position, I love to give. It makes me feel like part of humanity. It's best when I know it benefits a specific person. I don't want gratitude, per se, but I do love to know that my contribution made a difference to that person. I don't know where that fits in Maimonides' levels of giving!

[Mel]

Tertia - that is SO divine. I am going to show Monica on Thursday. He looks so much younger without the beard. Brought a lump to my throat. xxx

[Bud Noel]

pelletlike swishing bulbomembranous basset unparsimonious complanation seasonless microzoan
Man convicted in 1970s kidnapping pleads innocent to charges
http://www.pasefikainn.ws/

[Rodger Simpson]

pelletlike swishing bulbomembranous basset unparsimonious complanation seasonless microzoan
Andy Brostrom - Red Pine Realty
http://www.leatherbees.com

[Yaehoo]

Hi, It's the second time i'm posting you without a reply. I found your site using Yaehoo, does your site support firefox?

[Yaehoo]

Hi, It's the second time i'm posting you without a reply. I found your site using Yaehoo, does your site support firefox?

[Lycoas]

Hi There, I found your website on Lycoas, does it support Firefox?

[Lycoas]

Hi There, I found your website on Lycoas, does it support Firefox?

[Lycoas]

Hi There, I found your website on http://www.lycoas.com Lycoas, does it support Firefox?

[yoqbh jxcwnz]

Hi There, I found your website on Altsviatsa, does it support Firefox?

[yoqbh jxcwnz]

Hi There, I found your website on Altsviatsa, does it support Firefox?